TNA iMPACT Results (4/28): Karen Goes Mistress Hunting

Source: TNAStars.com

Opening Segment

A recap of last week’s “coronation” of Karen Jarrett played and the events surrounding the Sacrice main event.

Karen Angle has called all the TNA Knockouts to the ring. She says that her crazy ex-husband has hired some slut to take her out, so before anything can happen, she called them out here to try and nip this in the bud. She starts by picking on the catering woman, who Karen has noticed fawning over Kurt for years now. Karen knows that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but the lady says she cooks for Kurt and a bunch of other wrestlers here, and she asks if she can go since she has to cook her pot roast. Karen tells her that Taco Tuesday sucks and lets her go, so she moves on to Jolene the Seamstress, who she’s seen running her fingers up and down Kurt’s body for the last six years. Jolene says she’s doing her job and it’s what they pay her to do, so Karen tells her to take her dancing fingers and dance them out of the ring. Karen moves on to Miss Tessmacher, and it’s a coincidence that they arrived at the same building at the same time, isn’t it? Tessmacher says they both work for TNA and both showed up to earn their paychecks, so Karen points out that they were at the same gym at the same time this morning. Tessmacher points out the other 25 wrestlers working out there and then drops her glasses so she can bend over and get a good pop from the crowd. Karen sends Tessmacher on her way, so Karen moves over to Rice & Beans (aka Sarita & Rosita), and she says Kurt likes them hot and spicy. She makes a weak connection between Kurt being an American hero and Sarita & Rosita doing the American thing, but Sarita tells her to get her head out of her ***** and watch Impact because they’re MEXICAN Americans and want nothing to do with her husband. They leave, so Karen points out that Madison Rayne & Tara are former TNA World Champions like Kurt and that must make them think they’re special like Kurt. Madison says that Tara probably did lay down for Kurt because she’s a dirty, filthy slut. Tara spits her gum out at Madison and walks off, and then Madison tells Karen to watch out in case Tara tries to screw Jeff too. Karen brings us to Velvet Sky and says she’s every man’s dream and every woman’s nightmare; she’s lost her best friend and has gone as far as she’s ever going to go in TNA, but if she lands herself on the arm of Kurt Angle, that would catapult her to the top. She’s at the end of her velvet rope, so she’s decided to swing on someone else’s, and she’s heard that Velvet is real good at lying down. Velvet goes to slap Karen, but Jeff catches her hand and reads her the riot act. Velvet slaps Jeff instead, so Karen shoves her and Velvet catfights Karen. Jeff tries to separate them, but Angelina comes marching out and thrusts Velvet to the mat with a devastating hair yank while Winter threatens So Cal Val to ring the bell. A referee runs down to the ring, so I guess it is official now.

Angelina Love vs Velvet Sky

Angelina beats Velvet up a bunch, and Velvet tries to fight back, but Angelina no-sells all of Velvet’s offense and lays her out again, repeatedly choking her and trying to tear her hair out. Angelina goes after the eyes, but Velvet finally comes back with a jawbreaker and a clothesline. Velvet tries to go after Winter, but Winter gouges her eyes and snaps Velvet on the second rope, allowing Angelina to lock in a rear naked choke. Velvet tries to hang on but finally passes out and the referee calls for the bell.

Winner by knockout: Angelina Love

In the parking lot, Ken Anderson is arriving at the arena. The cameraman compliments his truck, and Anderson says it’s old and beat up but has sentimental value. He also says he wants his freakin’ title shot. ((Jarrett’s Jab – Wrestling 101 says that that truck is going to lose monetary value by the time the night is up.))

-Commercial Break-

Matt Morgan is marauding around backstage, yelling for Scott Steiner to show his face. Morgan says he has his eyes on winning the TNA World Title and nobody is going to stand in his way. Steiner’s a problem and he’s going to eliminate him now.

Mexican America comes out and drops the giant Mexican flag. Willie Urbina and Hector Guerrero salute the flag as Anarquia tells us that next week is Cinco De Mayo and the fans will salute their flag. This land was their land, but now it belongs to Mexican America.

Anarquia vs Chris Sabin

Anarquia jumps Sabin before the bell and works him over in the corner, then hits a snapmare and scrapes the boot over Sabin’s forehead. Sabin ducks a clothesline and hits a series of flying forearms and a leaping elbow in the corner. Sabin dodges attempted interference from Hernandez and hits a springboard clothesline for two. Sabin appears to have hurt his leg on that move, and we pause for a replay that clearly shows Sabin come down bad on his right foot, and Anarquia quickly rolls him up for the win.

Winner: Anarquia

Mexican America beats Sabin down 4-on-1, but Alex Shelley suddenly runs out to make the save. ((Jarrett’s Jab – VERY nice to see Shelly recovered from his injury. A great pop from the crowd and hopefully the Guns can carry Hernandez in the ring.))

We go backstage where Scott Steiner is playing golf , and he says he beat up Matt Morgan because he is there and he wanted to jump him. He doesn’t need a reason, and talks about how Matt Morgan shot his DNA into space and now aliens are going to find his piece of ****. The Cameraman tells Steiner that Matt Morgan is looking for him, and Steiner says that he’s not a hard man to find and if Morgan wants him, he knows where to find him.

-Commercial Break-

Matt Morgan finally finds Scott Steiner, and Steiner tells Morgan to come on after him and ducks behind a curtain. Morgan goes after him, so Steiner hides and nails him from behind, then rams him into a wall and beats him down, smashing a table into his head and saying all kinds of things that get bleeped out. Steiner takes a chair and the table and literally throws them at Morgan before choking him out with a broom and tells Morgan that he’ll never be like him, and **** the **** with his ****. Steiner continues just brutally beating Morgan down until Morgan turns it around and throws Steiner into a table and then launches him into a pile of chairs and starts choking him out while saying that nobody’s goingg to get in his way, not Steiner or anybody. Morgan chokes Steiner out with a chair as Steiner yells that he’s sorry, but Morgan tells him to shut up, and picks him up and rams him into a refrigerator backstage. Morgan stands over Steiner and says that nobody’s getting in his way and he will be the World Champion.

We head out to the parking lot where Sting, calmly walks out to Ken Anderson’s truck, takes off his robe, and begins beating in the windows and headlights with his baseball bat. He then calmly picks his robe back up, takes a sip from his bottle of water, and starts to walk away before stopping, climbing on the hood, and smashing in the windshield as well. He leaves the bat buried in the hole in the windshield and walks off.

TV Title Match: Gunner vs Christopher Daniels

Gunner powers Daniels to the corner and unloads on him with heavy forearms and right hands to the ribs before running Daniels over with a hard back elbow. Daniels responds by kicking Gunner’s leg out from under him and hitting a Northern Lariat. Daniels leapfrogs Gunner out of the corner and chops the back of the head, but Gunner quickly regains control with a knee to the midsection and chokes Daniels on the ropes. Daniels gets a crucifix out of nowhere for 2 and then nails Gunner with a palmstrike, but another big kneestrike to the midsection and a rear bearhug grounds Daniels. Daniels slips out of that so Gunner hits a gourdbuster for two then stalks Daniels in the corner before nailing him with more right hands. Daniels gets a boot to the face and hits the second rope curb stomp, then goes after Gunner with right hands and an STO. Daniels rams Gunner to the corner and sits him up top, hitting an Iconoclasm for only two. Daniels goes for the Angel’s Wings but Gunner rams him ot the corner and repeatedly lays in shoulderblocks to the midsection. Gunner whips Daniels hard to the corner but Daniels ducks a clothesline and hits a uranage and goes for the BME, Gunner moves and Daniels lands on his feet, but Gunner rams Daniels hard into the corner and hits an F5 for the win.

Winner: Gunner

((Jarrett’s Jab – A good showing by Gunner, more matches like that will actually make me buy him as TV Champion))

-Commercial Break-

Sting comes out to the ring and says he’s not sure who the truck in the parking lot belongs to, but they left their windows down. He’s trying to get rid of Hogan and Bischoff, but every time he turns around, Anderson’s standing in his way. He tells Anderson to come out to the ring now so they can hash this out. Anderson comes out with bat in on hand and a microphone in other hand. Anderson asks Sting if he smashed out the windows in his truck, and Sting says no so Anderson asks if the video he just saw of Sting smashing out his windows was a figment of his imagination, and Sting says yes. Anderson asks Sting again if he smashed out the windows on his truck, and Sting pauses before saying yeah, it was him. Anderson says that’s fine because he’ll get it replaced and Sting can do whatever he wants because he’s rich, BIATCH! Anderson says Sting can play all the games he wants because Anderson’s going to one up him every time, and Sting has the authority to pick his opponents because he’s got a friend at the network, but he wants to do it right now and right here on Impact.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and he comes out to the ring to join the party. He says that Sting finally gave him a fair shot at the title at Sacrifice and he appreciates that he’s a stand up guy and thanks him. As much as the TNA Title means to him and as much of a dirty player they know this asshole is, he knows that the Network wants him around to help the ratings and they need to show Anderson that he’s not needed. Anderson quotes Meatloaf and asks him what’s it gonna be boy, yes or no? Sting says let’s do it tonight, Sting vs Anderson for the TNA World Title, but Hogan’s music hits and he comes out to tell Sting that he loves the way he’s using the power the Network gave him and the way he’s handing out title shots, and he’s the best fighting champion TNA has ever had. But if it’s a fight he wants, he’ll get a fight because the title match he booked is now a three way because he has the power to make matches too. He says Anderson and Sting aren’t walking out with the TNA World Title because the new champion is going to be Bully Ray, brother. Ray comes out to look menacing as Hogan says it’s showtime, brother. ((Jarrett’s Jab – Loved Anderson’s mic work, he fits his gimmick well and I’m glad he’s been a major player. Unlike Matt Hardy last week, I can actually see Ray as a threat to the title because he’s the total package as a heel and he’s done impressive things.))

-Commercial Break-

The Mystery Cameraman asks Joe what he thinks of Crimson, and Joe says that he’s great and has a lot of potential. People might think what he did to Abyss was harsh, but he thought it was a thing of beauty. Joe says that Crimson’s streak isn’t close to what Joe did, and he’s never been in the ring with him before, but he is tonight and when you get in the ring with Samoa Joe, you always lose.

Crimson vs Samoa Joe

Crimson goes right after Joe and they trade blows, but Crimson wipes Joe out with a big boot and then locks him in a three quarter nelson and fires knees into the head. Joe fights his way out and hits a leaping kneestrike off the ropes, then whips Crimson to the corner, follows him in with a clothesline and a leaping enziguiri for two. Joe comes off the ropes but Crimson catches him and hits a T-Bone suplex, then gets the three quarter nelson with the kneestrikes and turns it into a neckbreaker for two. Crimson goes for a slam but Joe blocks and hits a kick to the chest, he tries a leaping enziguiri but Crimson ducks and hits a low vertical suplex for two. Crimson with hard right hands and whips Joe to the corner, but runs right into the STJoe. Crimson rolls to the floor and Joe comes after him, ramming him into the barricade and goes for the Ole Kick, but Crimson catches him with a back elbow. Suddenly, Abyss comes running out from the back and attacks Crimson.

No Contest

Abyss stands staring a challenge at Joe, who says screw it and walks off, leaving Crimson to suffer the wrath of Abyss, who rams him hard into the barricade and then the stairs. Abyss rolls Crimson into the ring and hits the Black Hole Slam.

We go backstage where the Mystery Cameraman tells Ken Anderson to explain what the top spot means to him, and Anderson says he wants to gold medal, but instead of a straight title match he’s getting a three way. He won’t sit around complaining, he’s going to make lemonade out of lemons and he’ll make chicken salad out of chicken ****.

-Commercial Break-

We go to Kurt Angle, who says Karen is making an ass out of herself by accusing all the Knockouts because she has no idea who the mistress is. Karen’s gone from being covered in **** to stepping in it, and she might just run into the mistress next week. She has no idea who it is, and when she meets Ms Angle, she’s going to **** her pants.

Mickie James come out to the ring and says that when she got into the business 12 years ago, the only thing she wanted was to become the greatest women’s wrestler of all time. But what she wants most of all right now is to dedicate the Knockouts Title she now holds to all the fans who stood by her and believed in her through everything, and it’s because of them that she stands here right now with the title and gets to live her dreams because of them. She thanks the fans as her music plays her out.

Bully Ray is backstage talking to Abyss, and saying that him as the TNA World Champion would be great because it would piss the entire wrestling world off. He would trade in all 23 World Tag Team Titles for one TNA World Title, mostly because he teamed with that slacker for 15 years. But now he gets to beat up Anderson and Sting and be the guy who represents the company as World Champion.

-Commercial Break-

TNA World Title Match: Sting vs Ken Anderson vs Bully Ray

Sting goes straight for Anderson and beats him down while Bully Ray sits back and watches. Ray nailed Sting from behind and unloaded with hard forearms, then rammed Sting back and forth from corner to corner. He went back and forth beating both Sting and Anderson down before hitting a side suplex for two. Anderson nailed Ray and hit a short clothesline on Sting for two, then starts trading blows with Ray. Sting wipes them both out with a double clothesline and then takes turns nailing each of them with right hands. Sting dumps Anderson to the floor and gets a clothesline on Ray for two, but Ray boots Sting in the face and then nails Anderson, and we’re at commercial.

-Commercial Break-

We’re back and Ray hits a vertical suplex on Anderson for two and then a diving headbutt for another two. Anderson fires back with right hands and rocks Bully Ray, but Ray with a hard elbow to the top of the head and a punt to the ribs of Sting. Anderson nails Ray with a series of clotheslines and a neckbreaker for two, both Sting lays Anderson out with a series of clotheslines and hits the Stinger Splash. Ray follows that up with a charge on Anderson and Sting tries a Stinger Splash on Ray, but Ray pulls the referee in the way and then lays Sting out with a clothesline. Ray grabs the pipe and stalks Sting with it, and nails a shot to the midsection. He tells the crowd that that one was for Hogan, but AJ Styles suddenly runs in and goes after Ray, hitting a Pelle Kick and then heading to the outside. Sting grabs the pipe and nails Ray with it, and a second referee slides into the ring and makes the three count.

Winner: Sting

Anderson grabs the pipe from ringside and slowly peers over the ring apron with “the crazy eyes” ((Jarrett’s Jab – I’m just curious if anyone knows where that came from.))

-Commercial Break-

We go backstage where Bully Ray says that he should be the TNA World Champion and wants to know what business AJ Styles had out there because it was a three way match, not a four way. He thinks that if we thought he took it out on AJ before, AJ cost him the World Title and now he’s really going to take it out on him. The Mystery Cameraman says that he tried to end AJ’s career, but Ray says he got his comeuppance at Lockdown, but he got involved tonight and next time there won’t be a table, it’ll be concrete, and he says to tell AJ that it’s not in his family’s best interests for him not to show up. He’s been in the business for a long time and he’s been in the ring with bigger, tougher, stronger men than AJ, and Ray is a 300 pound warrior and there’s nothing AJ can do to hurt him and he’s picking a fight with the wrong grizzly.

We flip over to AJ, who says that Ray tried to end his career and he has to get in here to provide for his family. Scott Steiner tells Matt Morgan that he’s a Division III basketball player and Steiner was a Division I wrestler and nobody’s scared of basketball players. Next week, Morgan’s ass is his and Morgan’s a dead man next week. The Jarretts are backstage and Karen says she went through all the TNA hos, and now she’s freaking out over the war still going on. Velvet Sky says that Karen called her a slut, but she’s hot and doesn’t need Angle, and she has enough problems with Angelina Love. We go back to the Jarretts and Karen has no idea who the mistress is, and Jeff says he’s going to find out who the mistress is because this is a bunch of crap. ((Jarrett’s Jab – No, your wife was covered in crap last week. Seriously, how many times are they going to say **** or crap in one show?))