Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow the one and only Phantom Lord and this is the often imitated but not quite duplicated Rant Of The Week. As always I am coming to you from my bunker in the urban slum that is Brooklyn, New York and I have to say I am going back and forth on this decision to retire from column writing. Writing these rants has provided a nice outlet for me to unleash years of built up anger that I’ve suppressed deep down within me. I just don’t know if I am ready to give that up yet. As a budding screen writer it also helps to just keep writing to keep the gears turning so to speak. I guess ultimately it will come down to my mood and energy levels. If college takes too much of a toll on me I will call it quits, but for now the light at the end of the tunnel is a far way’s off.
As I sit here and type this on a damp and stormy night I think about the news of the death of Larry Sweeney at the age of 29 a week ago. As someone who battles depression I know the feeling of the lows where you feel life is not worth living. Larry Sweeney by all accounts was probably the one guy on the Indy’s who could have been the next big thing if he got the chance. In a career that was only half a decade long, Sweeney became a hot young star that was a throw back to the good old days of wrestling. As an old school heel in the ring and as a swarmy asshole manager outside, Sweeney was tipped for stardom if he got the chance. Sadly this was not to be and Larry will be remembered for the wealth of material he left behind in his short career. Larry will have a legacy where he influences a whole new crop of managers on the Indy scene.
I can only hope whatever pain and suffering he was going through is now over and he is in a better place.
If you are looking for a great tribute to Larry, check out the tribute done by KAF Productions (www.kafproductions.org) by clicking on the link below
I honestly don’t know how to move onto another topic in a proper way so…. yeah.
As you’ve probably heard by now the WWE is no longer a “wrestling” company. They have rebranded themselves as a Global Media Conglomerate. You see there are Universal, News Corp, Disney, and now WWE. The word wrestling is now gone from the title much like chicken is gone from KFC. Yeah wrestling is still part of the company, but it’s only a small portion of the overall brand.
I know I know this is all quite amusing. But Vince is dead serious about making himself the new Rupert Murdoch. You know I can see the similarities between the two. Vince is trying to start the WWE network. Rupert started Fox in the mid 80’s. Both are generally hated by everyone but still respected. Vince has quite the way to go if he wants to become Rupert Murdoch. Perhaps he sees himself more as a Michael Eisner then Rupert Murdoch. Either way I don’t think this rebranding is going to work for one small reason.
See that? It’s called a wrestling ring. Inside the ring they have grapping contests that are traditionally referred to as “wrestling”. Now I know wrestling is a dirty word in McMahon land, but no amount of rebranding will change the fact that the WWE is a WRESTLING company.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for the WWE trying to reach new limits and bounds for their product. It’s just you can’t proclaim to be the top promotion in the land and be embarrassed by being just a lowly wrestling company. The problem is no matter what the WWE does they will always be a wrestling company. Hell most non-wrestling fans still call all wrestling “WWF”. You have to work within your limits. I think the XFL could have actually succeeded had it not been seen as just an extension of the WWF. If McMahon were a silent partner then maybe it would have worked. But as we saw it was all about Vince and you damn well know if this network ever gets off the ground the first thing we’ll see is Vince in all his glory talking about how he’s created the next great evolution in entertainment.
Speaking of entertainment, apparently this memo to the WWE’s foreign broadcasters was leaked earlier this weak and published by www.f4wonline.com
If you listen to WWE broadcasts then you know how there are buzzwords that all the announcers have to use while calling matches. If you live in France or Germany and here the following over and over, now you know why.
BANNED: Catch, Wrestling
APPROVED: WWE
BANNED: Catchers, Wrestlers
APPROVED: WWE Superstars
BANNED: Sports
APPROVED: Entertainment or Action Soap Opera
BANNED: Athletes, Sportsmen
APPROVED: “Entertainers with tremendous athletic prowess”
BANNED: Fight
APPROVED: Match, Bout
BANNED: Fighting
APPROVED: Action
Also, the memo has three “key soundbites” for voiceovers to communicate:
1) WWE is pure entertainment.
2) WWE is an action soap opera.
3) WWE Superstars are entertainers with tremendous athletic prowess
With the last three I can just see Vince yelling and screaming at some meeting for everyone to emphasize all of that.
ITS ENTERTAINMENT DAMN IT.
If the WWE is a soap opera then they have a hell of a lot of work to do. This week as you know, the schmuck who runs ABC Daytime made the decision to cancel All My Children and One Life To Live. Now I will admit I am an avid viewer of One Life To Live. I have it set on my DVR.
The WWE has had plenty of soap opera stories over the years, but none of them really matched up to a real soap opera storyline. Most of the good angles they have done usually get cut short because either it didn’t get over how they wanted or someone in a position of power sabotaged it for their own personal reasons. Vince apparently said that the WWE is looking to acquire other brands of entertainment. Well I have a freebie for you guys. If you want to get the WWE network up and running, buy One Life To Live and All My Children. If you have $70 million that you are willing to spend, why not spend it on something that will bring guaranteed viewers to the network.
It’s just a thought.
I brought up the soap opera thing because the WWE have hired an actual writer who is actually successful.
Emmy winning TV writer Tom Cassielo confirmed on his Twitter that he has been hired WWE to work on their creative team. Cassielo has worked on various soap operas in the past including Days of Our Lives and The Young & The Restless.
I’m not sure what he exactly wrote on Days Of Our Lives, but if you have an Emmy that brings instant credibility to your body of work. Now I don’t expect there to be pregnancy angles with multiple fathers. But the WWE could stand to have a super villain in the realm of Stefano Dimera. Hell Mr. McMahon was the WWE’s version of Victor Newman.
Of course how long Mr. Cassielo lasts in the WWE is a whole other issue. If you’ve heard the horror stories of what it’s like to work for Vince McMahon then you’ll understand why.
The WWE just isn’t a place where creativity is embraced. I mean if it were I would have a lot less to write about. Sure creative things do happen, but for the most part the far more interesting things always get stifled before they can even begin. Basically the way it’s been described by former WWE writers like Paul Heyman, Dave Lagana, Court Bauer, and others is writing for the WWE is like negotiating a mine field. You never know what’s going to happen next thanks to Vince’s mood swings.
While writers for sitcoms, drama’s, soap’s, ect might last on a successful show for years…a WWE writer is considered lucky if they last weeks or months. They are probably considered blessed if they make it to years. The WWE is a machine that grinds people down and spits them out. You have to tip toe around the minefields to make sure not to upset the wrong people.
Matthew Randazzo V in the July 2008 issue of Powerslam Magazine wrote the following.
New writers learn that a creative team survivor is a writer who understands that the McMahon family’s faith in their employees is fickle, and impossible to restore when lost. The key to survival is simple: caution, caution, caution. Always agree with the McMahon’s and their favorites, relentlessly curry their approval, never draw attention to yourself, never complain and never take a bold or risky step because a single stumble can be fatal.
Say a prayer for Tom Cassielo. He’s going to need it.
Earlier I was listening to The Honky Tonk Man’s Internet radio show and he was scoffing at the notion of a soap writer being hired. He said, “If he’s a soap writer he should go write soaps”. Normally I am inclined to agree with Honky, but the guy has an Emmy so automatically that makes him better then a lot of the “Hollywood” types the WWE has hired in the past. Besides we all know that in the end you could have a dream team of wrestling writers in the WWE but the buck stops with Vince McMahon. He decides the direction so if Vince wants to make the WWE an “Action Soap Opera” then you might as well have an actual soap writer who was successful as part of the machine.
Honky’s show on HTMRadio.com is pretty good to listen to and Honky is great with all the pot shots he was taking at Hulk Hogan and TNA. Honky claims to have a “high ranking TNA official” feeding him some scoops that have been pretty great to listen to so far. TNA really is the gift that keeps on giving and as long as Panda Energy keeps on funding them, there will be a wealth of material for the IWC.
Of course the only downside to TNA continuing to be in business is that watching TNA tends to suck the life right out of you. I should know. I mean why else is it taking me a month now to do a follow up to an f’n column.
TNA continues to suck the life out of me as I watch it. I see glimmers of hope every now and then but they almost always find a way to make me want to throw my remote at the television.
Apparently Janice Carter is now in control of TNA since Dixie couldn’t handle things and everything is on the table to try and salvage the sinking ship. They might be changing the name of TNA at some point because of a rebranding to emphasize that they are a wrestling company. Janice also doesn’t like all these old guys and has specifically ordered Ric Flair to not take his shirt off on television because “its disgusting”. So of course at the ppv the other night Flair was stripped out of his shirt and pants and looked like a bloody and battered leathery corpse.
Oddly enough Flair was way more over then anyone else on the card. God bless him but people just love Nat’ch and we can never hate him. We can feel sorry for him as he continues to destroy his legacy (but three alimony’s at 62 will do that to you). After seeing him in the Lockdown match, there is money to be made off a Ric Flair/James Storm feud. Now I know making money is a foreign concept to TNA. But the little interaction they had with Flair begging not to be hit with the bottle was one of the funniest things I’ve seen Flair do in ages. Crazy Ric Flair and Drunken James Storm would write it self. There’s so much wacky sports entertainment one could do with them just by putting them in a bar.
As much as people love Robert Roode, for me personally I’ve always thought Storm could easily be a main eventer. If there is a TNA original that deserves a singles run it’s Storm. Now whether he wants it or not is a whole other issue. I believe I read somewhere that Storm is happy as a tag wrestler. Of course this is TNA so it’s not like they would even use him right anyway.
TNA has had so many good things just land in their laps and they always screw it up. Remember Jay Lethal? Remember when he beat Ric Flair and finally looked like he would be moving up in the world? Yeah that didn’t last too long did it. Still pisses me off how they completely dropped the ball with Jay Lethal.
TNA’s biggest problem to combat with any potential rebranding is they have to work on the fact no one outside the loyal fan base knows they exist. If TNA is going to somehow pull off a major miracle and rebrand itself as a “wrestling company” they need to seriously get some people know how to market before they do anything else.
While I’m on the subject of TNA I feel I must speak as a fan after seeing Kurt Angle almost kill himself on a PPV that almost no one saw.
For those of you who didn’t see the ULTRA MALE RULES (what ever the fuck that is) match with Jeff Jarrett, in the third fall they decided to go all out and at one point Kurt was on the top rope with Jeff and he decided why not go for a Super Frankensteiner. A move that under of the best of circumstances is difficult to pull off. Somewhere in mid flight it was either supposed to be countered into a Superbomb or Kurt just didn’t get the right rotation. Either way he practically landed on his head. Of course TNA’s crack production team had a horrible shot to begin with so I thought I saw Kurt Angle die upon impact. Replays showed it was not as horrifying as I thought I saw, but never the less it was highly insane. Then no more then a minute or two later Kurt is up on the top of the cage trying to escape and since his escape is being thwarted by Gunner, Kurt decides to say a prayer and then go for his Hail Mar Moonsalt and he completely misses Jarrett on the bottom.
Basically he did a giant belly flop into the proverbial empty pool.
Kurt I’ve been a fan of yours since you debuted in the WWF in 1999. I know your neck is held together by bubble gum and chicken wire. Why in God’s name do you continue to wrestle such a high-risk style for a company that is not deserving of it? Look at Rob Van Dam. He’s capable of putting on show stealing matches every single night. Does he? Hell no. He does the bare minimum and phones it in. Look at Sting. Sting despite what people say can still wrestle at a very high level. But he realizes he’s at a point in his career where he doesn’t have to bust his ass.
Kurt I think I speak for most fans when I say please slow down. We want to see Kurt Angle in twenty years being able to walk. Just phone it in like everyone else does. Until TNA starts acting like a real wrestling company it is not worth killing yourself in the hopes of a couple hundred extra buys on PPV or DVD.
Edge just had to retire because of his neck being all FUBAR. I can only imagine what your neck must be like. I do not want to see you end up like Mitsuharu Misawa where that wrong suplex ends up killing you. Yes what happened to him was by all accounts a fluke accident, but it’s a risk we as fans would rather not see you take.
You are an Olympic Gold medal winner. As a wrestling fan I’d rather see you stick to the ground and submission game then doing the insane shit. So please Kurt no more super frankensteiners and moonsalts into the empty pool.
On that note I am done for this week. I believe I have come to a decision about the future of this column. Due to the fact I don’t do this on a weekly or even bi-weekly basis I am going to retire the name The Rant Of The Week. I’m not going to go anywhere, but in its place will be The Phantom Rant.
What can I say other then I suck at titles. But I’m still using the pen name Phantom Lord and I rant better then everyone else so The Phantom Rant seems like a nice fit. Plus I signed up for a Blip.tv account and if I ever get around to doing it I’m going to have a vlog of sorts on there called The Phantom Rant so I’m covering my basis across the Interwebs.
So until next time take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it DAMN well has got to be me.
You can click here to send me any and all feedback at phantomlordnyc@yahoo.com or leave me some feedback on my Facebook page under my given name http://www.facebook.com/josephrd
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