TNA iMPACT! Results (7/15): "They're Here?"

Source: TNAstars.com

Opening Segment
We open iMPACT tonight with a highlight package from Victory Road ((Jarrett’s Jab – That in my opinion made the PPV seem better than what I thought it was. MCMG vs. Beer Money was easily the best match of the night.)) Three matches were announced for tonight: The first match in the best of five series between the new TNA Tag Champs the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money which is a Ladder Match. Also Jay Lethal vs. Jeff Hardy and Sarita vs. Taylor Wilde in a Street Fight is tonight
The new Updated Top 10 Contenders are the following:
10. TNA Global Champion “The Freak” Rob Terry
9. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero
8. Kurt Angle
7. “Super Mex” Hernandez
6. “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles
5.  Jay Lethal
4. “Samoan Submission Machine” Samoa Joe
3. Mr. Anderson……ANNNNDDDEEEERRSSSOOOONNNNNNNN!!!
2. “The Charismatic Enigma” Jeff Hardy
1. “The Monster” Abyss
Abyss comes out with ‘his girl’ and a big slab of meat over his shoulder. ((Jarrett’s Jab – Oooh, does that mean that we’re getting leg o’ cow for dinner?)) He tells RVD that “they” have a plan for him, and it involves him and his girl (the nail bat/paddle), and it’s beyond extreme and beyond anything he’s done in this business, EVER. He’s going to share the plan with RVD a little later, but first, he’s awaiting some final instructions from “them”, but for now, he wants to introduce us to his girl “Janice”, who he finds tall and beautiful, sophisticated, sexy, and sharp. ((Jarrett’s Jab – Just what I look for in a woman, plus I like them to have a heartbeat)) But there’s also a dark side to Janice that likes pain and suffering and…well, Abyss starts to repeatedly hits the beef with Janice until she breaks, and then he takes a big bite of the beef from the slab. Oh, and did he mention that she’s also one hell of a cook? He did now. But don’t worry, RVD, because before it’s all over and done with, he’s going to find out what a bitch his girl is.
Sarita and Taylor Wilde are brawling in the back. Sarita tells Taylor that she’s finally rid of the dead weight as she repeatedly rams her into the wall, but Taylor fights back and now Sarita goes to a wall, then a big crate, but then Sarita comes back and says that everyone has always known that she’s better than Taylor. Taylor swings a pipe at Sarita and misses, and Sarita knocks her down and puts her in a nasty armbar

-Commercial Break-

Streetfight: Sarita vs Taylor Wilde
Taylor and Sarita have made their way out from the back and into the crowd. Somewhere in that brawl when they got to the ramp the bell sounds. Taylor launches Sarita out to ringside, grabs a chair, and hits Sarita with it. ((Jarrett’s Jab – Sarita is better than Taylor, Sarita had her hands up to block the shot and Sarita had to sell it anyways)) Sarita grabs a water bottle and tosses the contents at Taylor, which somehow blinds her long enough for Sarita to crawl under the ring, sneak around behind Taylor, and suckerpunch her from behind.  Sarita rams Taylor into the steps and then pulls back the mats at ringside. Sarita picks Taylor up and start brawling it out again, with Sarita again getting the advantage. She tries to slam Taylor, but Taylor blocks and gives Sarita a facebuster on the padded floor. Taylor with a series of kicks to Sarita and then rams her into the ring apron. Sarita tries to escape into the ring, but Taylor keeps pulling her back to the floor. Sarita finally gets away long enough to try a running dive off the apron, but Taylor grabbed a chair and tossed it right in Sarita’s stomach ((Jarrett’s Jab – Weak Almost Chair Shot)), then rams Sarita to the ringpost, and then to the guardrail. Taylor with a running dropkick that sends Sarita over the guardrail into the crowd, but Sarita steals somebody’s belt and uses it to choke Taylor unconscious, and the ref calls for the bell. Winner by Knockout: Sarita. Sarita continues to choke her and the ref counts, but she releases at three ((Jarrett’s Jab – Unless you watch TNA Xplosion, you had no clue why this happened, so a little clip package would have helped you monkeys in the truck!))
Backstage, Rob Van Dam says Abyss has a hell of a weapon, but RVD isn’t intimidated easily, so Abyss had better try his threats somewhere else. He’ll also see if Abyss is ready to use that thing tonight.

-Commercial Break-

Backstage, Miss Tessmacher is shouting at someone on her cell phone, saying that when she’s in charge, they’ll be the first to go. ((Jarrett’s Jab – She’s in Hogan and Biscoff’s office and no one’s seen Dixie, so who in the heck is in charge, Elvis?)) Kevin Nash comes strolling in because he has an appointment with Eric Bischoff, but absent. Miss Tessmacher asks if there’s something she can help him with, Nash says no and starts to walk away, but then comes back and says there is something she can do for him after all, and tells her that he’ll see her at 10pm tonight. She doesn’t know him very well just now, but he promises to be her last meeting of the night. ((Jarrett’s Jab – Big Sexy is officially back then. Wonder how many more references to that we’ll hear tonight?))
I Quit Match: X Division Champion Douglas Williams vs Brian Kendrick
Kendrick goes nuts, furiously attacking Williams and quickly trying for the choke, but Williams reverses a whip into the corner, ties Kendrick’s leg in the ropes, gives his leg a stiff kick, then rips his head off with a short clothesline. Williams locks in a rear chinlock, but Kendrick won’t quit. Kendrick escapes and gets Williams in the corner where he attacks him again, but Williams with a takedown and a crossface, but again Kendrick won’t quit. Kendrick escapes a slam and goes for a sleeper, but Williams rams him into the corner. Williams misses a charge and Kendrick chokes him in the corner with his boot, but Williams won’t quit. Williams escapes and gets a double leg takedown into a slingshot, then turns that into a Boston Crab, but Kendrick makes it to the ropes. Williams rams Kendrick to the corner and follows in with a running knee, then a vertical suplex/gutwrench suplex/exploder suplex combo, pausing between each suplex to give Kendrick a chance to quit and then suplexing him when he doesn’t. Nice touch. Williams takes out his Michael Jackson glove and gets a nice European Uppercut, but Kendrick starts firing back and gets an enziguiri. Now Kendrick with a series of dropkicks, Williams goes for the Chaos Theory but Kendrick escapes and Kendrick gets the Cobra Clutch and Williams quits. Winner: Brian Kendrick ((Jarrett’s Jab – When does an I Quit match mean so little that his title isn’t on the line?))


Kevin Nash/Jeff Jarrett Segment
Kendrick celebrates his win but here comes Kevin Nash. Kendrick starts trash talking Nash, and gets laid out for his trouble. Nash casually takes the mic and turns his back to Kendrick to address the crowd. He’s tired of Hogan and Bischoff dodging him and not getting any TV time. He’ll tell us something: when Kevin Nash dies, he’ll never be replaced because there’s only one like him: 7 feet tall and built like a god…as Miss Tessmacher is about to find out.  ((Jarrett’s Jab – I can see it now: Ric Flair vs. Kevin Nash in the Battle of the Bedroom)) He’s a living legend, and when he starts taking his frustrations out on all the young boys, everyone will pay attention. He goes to Jackknife Kendrick, but now Jeff Jarrett comes out and tells Nash to relax because they don’t need this. Sting’s already suspended, and he asks Nash if he wants to be next. Nash asks what this is about, and Jarrett says it’s because Nash has a personal issue with Hogan and Bischoff…just like Sting did. Jarrett says to look around and see who Hogan and Bischoff are getting behind, like Jay Lethal. Nash says he doesn’t care about Lethal and he’s just out here to get Hulk and Bischoff’s attention. Jarrett says its business as usual, just like it’s always been: Kevin wants everyone’s attention, and he calls Nash a glory hound and an egotistical son of a bitch. Big OOOOOOOH from the crowd for that one. Nash says that there’s a lot of people who say he’s the greatest worker in the business because he always gets his way and always gets the money, but he looks into Jarrett’s eyes and he’s not sure they fool him, and he’s not sure why Jarrett would be taking up for Hogan and Bischoff, but if he wants trouble with Nash, he’s got it. As far as who the best worker is and who gets his way, just keep watching and we’ll find out. ((Jarrett’s Jab – So Jeff is Hogan and Biscoff’s trouble maker? What has this world come to?))
Backstage, Nash is asked about Jeff Jarrett, and he says he’s one of the smartest guys around, and sometime around 10 tonight we’ll get all the answers we need.
Global Champion Rob Terry vs Desmond Wolfe vs Samoa Joe
Taz says he doesn’t like Wolfe’s chances because he has a big target on him. ((Jarrett’s Jab – He’s been made into a jobber, how his chances could possibly get worse, I dunno!)) As Terry and Joe take turns beating Wolfe up, Brutus Magnus comes out to join the broadcast booth. Joe hits a nice enziguiri that sends Wolfe to the floor, leaving him alone with Terry. They go toe to toe and Terry takes Joe down with a shoulderblock, but Joe reverses to a rolling heel hook. Wolfe comes in and breaks it up, but Joe lays into him with chops. Wolfe yanks Joe down to the mat by the arm and kicks him to the floor, then goes after Terry, tying his leg in the ropes and kicking away at it. Joe tries to get back in the ring but Wolfe kicks him back to the floor, then turns his attention back to Terry’s knee. Wolfe hits the running European Uppercut in the corner and then he stops to yell at Chelsea. ((Jarrett’s Jab – I wonder if they ever go out in public if someone starts yelling at Desmond for yelling at Chelsea)) Joe rushes back in and goes after Wolfe, but Wolfe dumps him back to the floor and then goes after Terry’s knee again. Wolfe goes for a spinning toehold, but Terry kicks him off into Joe and knocks him back to the floor. Terry picks Wolfe up and tosses him across the ring, then hits a pair of clotheslines and a spinkick that misses by a mile, but Joe comes off the second rope with a boot to Terry, and then locks in the Kokina Clutch on Wolfe and he taps out quickly. Winner by Submission: Samoa Joe ((Jarrett’s Jab – I don’t like how Wolfe’s Talent is being wasted, but he got more offense in this match then he has in the past))
Terry climbs back in the ring after the match and goes nose to nose with Joe, as they exchange a look of respect.

-Commercial Break-

Ric Flair is backstage, and if you’re watching TNA Impact tonight, he’s going to make an announcement later on that will have huge implications that will change TNA forever, and he’ll do that because he’s Ric Flair and he can. ((Jarrett’s Jab – Wow, Change forever? Really? Add that to the list of times I’ve heard a million times))
Best Of Five Series, Match One – Ladder Match: World Tag Team Champions Motor City Machine Guns vs Beer Money
Beer Money jump the Guns before the bell. The object at the top of the ladder is a contract to determine the stipulation in match #2. ((Jarrett’s Jab – I like that there really making the first match important)) Beer Money go for a double suplex on Shelley, but Sabin catches him coming down and they hit a double dropkick to send Beer Money to the floor, then follow them out with a double dive. Sabin grabs a ladder from ringside as Shelley blocks Beer Money from getting the ring and he starts to climb, but Storm yanks him off the ladder. Storm sets the ladder up in the corner, but gets nailed and the MCMG get a double wishbone and double dropkick on Roode. Then they whip him into the ladder and follow in with a running forearm/leaping elbow combo, but on the third try Roode moves and Shelley hits the ladder, and Beer Money double team Sabin, picking him up and ramming him spread eagle into the ladder. ((Jarrett’s Jab – That looked pretty nasty)) Storm climbs the ladder but Shelley catches him and pulls him off, but then Roode dropkicks the ladder into Shelley’s face. Roode climbs the ladder, but Shelley pulls him off, and then takes a ladder in the ribs from Storm. Roode puts the ladder on top of Shelley, then Storm brings in a second ladder and Beer Money uses it to repeatedly hammer the first ladder into Shelley. Beer Money go for a double team move but Sabin dropkicks the ladder into both Storm and Roode and then Shelley with a double stomp. Sabin sets up the ladder as a ramp and runs up it, loses his footing, regains it, and gives Storm a really stiff kick to the face that appeared to really shake the cobwebs out of Storm. Sabin then turns around and gets run over with a clothesline from Roode, but Shelley nails him from behind and they do another double team move I don’t have time to try and describe. Shelley goes to climb the ladder but Storm pushes him off onto the top rope, and then hits a lungblower that sends Shelley to the floor. Storm puts Sabin up top and goes for a superplex, but Sabin nails him and hangs in the Tree of Woe, then Shelley puts a ladder in from of Storm’s face and Sabin baseball slides the ladder into Storm’s face. Roode nails Sabin from behind, but Shelley (who had just set of a ladder as a platform between the apron and the guardrail) comes in and backdrops Roode onto the ladder, and the MCMG both hit dives onto Roode on the ladder, but then Storm comes running up and rams the ladder into Shelley’s face. Sabin and Storm wind up back in the ring and on top of the ladder, but Shelley and Storm bump referee Brian Hebner to the floor. Roode goes off the ladder and over the top rope and Sabin grabs the contract, but the ref is out, so Storm nails Sabin with the beer bottle and grabs the contract just as Earl Hebner comes out and, seeing Storm with the contract, calls for the bell and awards the win to Beer Money. Winners: Beer Money ((Jarrett’s Jab – With matches like this, why didn’t TNA have Beer Money and the MCMG to feud earlier? Record this match, it’s worth seeing again and again. And do I sense that the decision will be overturned due to a father/son disagreement between the Hebners))
Backstage, Abyss seems to have repaired Janice and is using her to smash a watermelon, which he then eats off of Janice. ((Jarrett’s Jab – Ok…Akwardddd…….))

-Commercial Break-

Matt Morgan vs D’Angelo Dinero
Pope dodges around Morgan to start, trying to avoid Morgan’s power, and goes to the legs with kicks to try and chop Morgan down, but Morgan gets him by the throat and tosses him into the corner and comes in with the rapid fire elbows. Pope tries a crossbody, Morgan catches him, but Pope slips out the back and dropkicks Morgan onto the second rope. Pope ducks a clothesline and hits a lungblower for the win Winner by Pinfall: D’Angelo Dinero ((Jarrett’s Jab – If you blinked, you missed half of this match))
Morgan nails Pope from behind after the match and gives him a fallaway slam, then runs him over with the Carbon Footprint. Pope rolls to the floor, but Morgan follows him out and places his head next to the ringpost, but before he can go for the Carbon Footprint, Mr Anderson comes out with a chair to stop Morgan. Then he suddenly tosses Pope into the ring and heads in after him. Morgan follows Anderson into the ring with a big smile on his face, but suddenly Anderson turns around and goes after Morgan, sending him out to the floor. Morgan yells that Anderson made a big mistake as he heads to the back, and now Anderson picks his chair back up…then drops it and extends the hand to the Pope. Pope just stares back at Anderson like he’s nuts and they have a long staredown, but all Pope will give him is a nod of the head. Anderson nods back and he heads to the back as Pope continues to stare at him in confusion.
Backstage, Lacey is trying to calm down Velvet Sky, but Velvet Sky is pissed at Madison Rayne for acting like they don’t even exist and then, on top of that, bringing in somebody from outside the group. Lacey thinks they should hear Madison’s side of the story, and Velvet says she’ll listen to it and then plant her foot up Madison’s ass.

-Commercial Break-

Beautiful People Segment
We go back to the ring where Madison Rayne is in the ring, and formally protesting the outcome of the Knockouts Title match at Victory Road. The rules said that if Velvet or Lacey interfered, then she could lose the title on a DQ, but since neither of them were involved, she is demanding that within seven days, either the decision is reversed and she has the title returned to her, or she will sue TNA for every penny it’s worth. ((Jarrett’s Jab – If she’s suing for pennies, it’s going to be a lot of them)) Velvet Sky and Lacey Von Erich come out, and Velvet is pissed. Velvet asks Madison what makes her think she can bring in someone new, not only without their approval, but without even asking them first. Madison tells Velvet to relax and that she’s obviously been taking her dumb blond pills again. Velvet said Madison must have overdosed on hers. ((Jarrett’s Jab – Reminds me of the contests I’ve seen in High School of who can make the funniest jokes about someone’s mom, this is nothing compared to that.)) Madison did what she had to do and took matters into her own hands. Velvet says it’s not just about Madison making a decision without either of them, it’s about Madison saying that she didn’t need them anymore, and asks Madison to explain herself. Madison says fine, she doesn’t need them. Velvet says that how about she kicks Madison’s ass all over the ring right now. Lacey gets between them to break them up, and now Angelina Love comes out and asks Velvet if she honestly thinks Angelina believes anything she’s saying, because she recognized her big fake boobs in the motorcycle outfit. Velvet says if she thinks that was Velvet on the motorcycle, she was mistaken, because she obviously didn’t see the dumpy ass on that person, because clearly (indicating her ass), it wasn’t her. Velvet says that if she doesn’t believe that, then believe this: that bitch (indicating Madison) is all hers, and tells her to have at it. Velvet walks out, and Madison stands in the ring yelling at Angelina to come down and give Madison her belt back. Angelina enters the ring and asks if she wants her belt back, then tells her to come get it. Madison nails Angelina with a forearm, but Angelina drops the belt and goes after Madison. Suddenly the Bike Girl comes out on the bike and goes after Angelina ramming her to the corner and then choking her out with her boot. Madison brings a chair into the ring and picks Angelina up and DDTs her on the chair as Lacey stands helplessly on the rampway looking heartbroken. Madison and Bike Girl get on the bike and ride away.

-Commercial Break-

Backstage, Jeff Hardy says that he really enjoyed watching Jay Lethal beat Ric Flair, but now he’s up against Jeff Hardy and we’ll see if Lethal can beat the Charismatic Enigma.
Jay Lethal vs Jeff Hardy
Hardy starts off with a  shoulderblock, they do a fast paced little sequence and Hardy gets a rollup for 2. Hardy whips Lethal into the corner but gets backdropped to the apron and dropkicked to the floor. Lethal gets a big dive through the ropes onto Hardy, and…wait a minute, here comes Tommy Dreamer, Rhino, Raven and Stevie Richards. Crowd chants ECW as Lethal rolls Hardy back in the ring and covers for 2. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate but Lethal counters with a hiptoss and the cartwheel dropkick for 2. Lethal tries a whip into the corner, Hardy reverses, Lethal leapfrogs, Hardy back kicks him, and hits the Whisper In The Wind. Hardy and Lethal exchange blows, but Hardy takes the advantage with a short clothesline, inverted atomic drop, and dropkick to the face for 2. Hardy goes for the springboard dropkick in the corner, but Lethal gets the feet up and catches Hardy coming down, then hits Hardy with a springboard dropkick for 2. Hardy with the Twist Of Fate out of nowhere, then goes up top and hits the Swanton for 3. Winner: Jeff Hardy ((Jarrett’s Jab – I guess Hogan’s new little buddy gained nothing from this huh?))
Abyss is walking backstage, nothing more

-Commercial Break-

ECW’s Invasion
We go to commercial, and when we come back, Ric Flair is in the ring and says that Jay Lethal is first in his sights, but right now he wants to introduce the first two members of Fortune: AJ Styles and Frankie Kazarian. Desmond Wolfe comes out and says he knows Americans don’t like giving anyone else credit, but if anyone deserves to be in Fortune, it’s him. Flair blows him off, but Wolfe grabs him and repeats that he should be in Fortune. Flair tells Wolfe to keep his hands off of him, but before he can continue, Abyss’ music hits and out comes Abyss with Janice. Fortune heads for the hills, so Abyss calls out Rob Van Dam instead. Abyss tells RVD that it’s time for him to share the plans that “they” have for him: he’s said it for the past few weeks, and he’ll say it again, “they” are coming to TNA, and when “they” get here, “they” are taking TNA over, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Abyss says that “they” have asked him to continue to pave the way for them, and in that process, “they” instructed him to take the TNA World Title off of RVD, and “they” laid out a blueprint, so he has a question for RVD. They’re going to take Janice and hang her above the ring, and then the two of them are going to have the most extreme match in the history of professional wrestling. They’re going to use whatever weapons RVD wants, but Janice told Abyss that she wants a piece of RVD’s ass. So, the only thing left is the when and the where, but how about the two of them get…EXTREME? RVD grabs the mic and says he knows what the title means to himself and everyone else, and he doesn’t want Abyss to take this personally, but the title is his, and then he attacks Abyss and lays him out with several spinkicks. RVD goes for a monkey flip but Abyss shoves RVD off and boots him in the face, then chokeslams him. Suddenly, Mick Foley comes out from the back and Abyss looks quite surprised to see him. Even more suddenly, the ECW guys come out of the crowd and attack Abyss. ((Jarrett’s Jab – The way it looked to me,  Mick Foley was the distraction)) Security comes out to try and stop them, but Stevie and Rhino easily lay them out. Now some of the TNA wrestlers come out to try and stop them, but no dice. The two fat security guys, Desmond Wolfe, Brian Kendrick, Doug Williams, Terry Taylor, D-Lo Brown, they all come out to try and stop it to no avail. Pat Kenney and Al Snow also come out, ostensibly to try and stop the attack, but then they join up with the ECW guys. Now a whole bunch more TNA guys come running out and it is basically a big bar fight, sans bar, that is hard to keep tabs on. Brother Devon comes out and joins the ECW side. Jeff Jarrett comes running out and starts yelling at Tommy Dreamer to get the ECW guys under control as Dixie Carter stands at ringside looking concerned. Now finally the cops come out to break it up, and Dixie Carter grabs a mic and tells everyone to stop it. She says that she invited the ECW guys and everyone stops and looks shocked as we end the show.
((Jarrett’s Jab – By the way I was browsing the web the other day and I came across a poorly written article on some low-end website that stated that TNA was at an all time low because it was “copying WWE’s Nexus invasion with the ECW invasion angle.” Let me explain why this is probably one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard: The Nexus invasion of 2010 is a rip-off of the Alliance invasion of 2001, which is a rip off of the invasion of the original ECW of Monday Night Raw in the Manhattan Center in New York back in 1997. So if anything there copying what they did over 10 years ago.))