Greetings conversationalists across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow…the one and only Phantom Lord and this is your ever important The Rant Of The Week. As always I am coming to you from my above ground command center in the water logged capital of the world Brooklyn, New York. I like rain as much as the next person. In fact one can say I’m only happy when it rains, but good God was there a lot of rain last week. I’m amazed our sewer system which was I’m sure a model of perfect in the 1870’s was able to handle all the run off water. Of course area’s in New Jersey, upstate New York, and all points east were not as fortunate.
Wrestlemania has come and gone and for the most part I enjoyed the show. It wasn’t the greatest Wrestlemania of all time, but it certainly wasn’t the worst either. The one match I was looking forward to seeing was Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon and aside from The Hart Family as lumberjacks it went exactly how I figured it would. Some people are complaining about the match being horrible. Well to a point it was, but I was never expecting anything huge. I knew going into the match it was going to be Bret beating the living fuck out of Vince McMahon and that’s exactly what he did. Bret gave Vince a beating like he owed him money and it was awesome. Sure it might have gone on a few minutes longer then it should have, but in the end I saw what I wanted to see.
Even though the WWE hates the word wrestling and goes out of their way to never use the word; that right there is what Wrestling is all about. The good guy gets his revenge on the bad guy. Vince was a great chicken shit bad guy for so long and all the years of Vince being Mr. McMahon came to a head and Bret got him back for everything he has ever done. You can’t write a better story then that. It’s the simplest of wrestling stories and it has never failed. Okay granted this story could have been better, but you have to realize Vince was phoning this one in. He had no real reason to go all out and be Mr. McMahon and I know Bret said in any interview the only reason he came back was because he was getting bored with retirement.
Could the lead up to the match been better? Absolutely it could have been. But was the pay off worth all of it? Yes it was.
The character was spawned back in 1997 following the infamous Montreal Screwjob. McMahon’s on-air character turned heel for the first time and it became the antagonist to the company’s top star “Stone Cold” Steve Austin in arguably the best run in the history of the company.
With Bret Hart’s return to WWE after 13 years, McMahon felt WrestleMania would be the perfect chance for Bret Hart to get his ultimate revenge and wipe out Mr. McMahon once and for all. The over-the-top beatdown he sustained at the hands (and feet) of the Hart family signified the end of the character.
McMahon is a firm believer in pushing younger acts and is not blind to the fact that he’s in his 60’s and the character more than ran its course.
Credit to the Wrestling Observer/www.f4wonline.com
If it was the end of Mr. McMahon it was a great way to go out. It’s like I said it was the perfect good guy gets revenge on the bad guy story.
The rest of Wrestlemania was good for the most part. Undertaker/Michaels was a damn good match and it was great that they got the main event of the show. I honestly thought Shawn Michaels was going to some how win only for The Undertaker to do some sort of insane mystical stunt where there was a huge flash of light and they both disappeared. The send of Michaels got on RAW was pretty good, but we all know he’ll be back in six months or so when someone lures him back to fight.
Jericho and Edge had a pretty damn good match as well and I was shocked and delighted when Chris Jericho won. I have always liked Edge, but Edge being a good guy just doesn’t work. Edge is supposed to be this sleazy scumbag who stole his best friends girl and does what it takes to win. But I guess you can’t be Rated R in a PG world. I’m glad Edge is back in top form, but the whole SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR thing might be the most annoying WWE catchphrase since WWE Universe. If Edge did a halfway decent spear it wouldn’t be so bad. Edge’s spear is a running hug. Personally I wish he would bring back the Edgeocution submission. That inverted sharpshooter he used to do was a pretty sick finisher and it fit him so well. The running hug not so much.
The best match of the night surprisingly was Batista vs. John Cena. Batista was in all of his Kanye West-esq glory (who ever had the Batista likes Fishsticks sign was a genius). I was amazed at how well this match came off. Batista really had his working shoes on and he probably had his best match yet since becoming a huge asshole heel. Cena was Cena. He over came the odds so what else can be said. I was really pulling for Batista to win and I thought he did after he caught Cena in mid air with the spine buster and then did the Batista Bomb. But as I said, Cena over came the odds and did his Superman recovery and put on the worlds worst STF for the win.
One thing I noticed was when Batista and Mr. McMahon tapped out, they did it in weakest of ways. For Batista it worked because he was like “I can’t believe I got caught in this and can’t get out”. But over all I’ve noticed when guys are tapping out now they lightly tap the mat. Call me old fashion, but if you are in so much pain to the point where you have no choice but to submit you should be frantically tapping while screaming YES YES YES I QUIT I SUBMITT. It would do so much more to build a submission a devastating finisher then lightly tapping on the mat and looking like your inconvenienced at that moment.
Overall I enjoyed Wrestlemania. I just wish it didn’t cost an arm and a leg to order. I feel sorry for anyone who ordered in HD. With cable bills being high as it is, $64.95 must be a real shocker.
Moving along to the flip side of wrestling, with the good comes the bad and TNA got absolutely TROUNCED last week against RAW. I don’t know who thought a taped episode would do well the night after Wrestlemania, but add them to a long list of people who should be fired in TNA. The funny thing is, the show it self isn’t too bad. Compared to RAW, Impact is actually pretty good. Yeah they are ripping off shit from late 90’s WCW. But compared to how boring and predictable RAW can be it’s a lot more interesting and entertaining.
The only problem is and the ratings reflect this is no one knows who the hell TNA is and when it is on. Yes there are plenty of problems with the booking. But considering all the problems TNA has, guys in power booking their friends and cronies over others more deserving is the least of their problems. TNA has no name brand or exposure what so ever to work with. Sure it’s funny to see a commercial for Impact during Smackdown, but local commercials only get you so far. I’ve said for the longest time TNA thinks they are way bigger then they actually are. It’s basically a massive inferiority complex. TNA doesn’t try to put on the best show possible or become a viable alternative. Their whole reason for being is simply to hope Vince McMahon acknowledges them in some way. Vince as we know could give two shits about TNA or any other company.
“We’re in different businesses,” says McMahon. “We’re in the entertainment business and they’re in the ‘pro wrasslin’ business. It’s different markets. When they moved to Monday nights they threw the kitchen sink at us and only did a fraction of our audience. It doesn’t speak well for the type of product they’re trying to present with the tawdry, blood-soaked action. I don’t think that’s what the culture wants these days.”
Credit to Acorn Online
Well aside from Vince being delusional about the importance of the WWE being part of the American fabric, he did bring up a good point. They tried everything and didn’t even make a dent. But it has nothing to do with the product that TNA is offering. On the contrary there is a huge market for tawdry blood soaked action. The problem is TNA is doing nothing to get it. They are just pissing money away hoping that magically people will watch Impact over RAW. Judging by the 0.6 from last week that isn’t happening. TNA and the people at Spike TV do have some sense are Impact is starting at 8PM this Monday. Of course it only took them a little thing called the NCAA Men’s Basketball Finals for them to do this. Oddly enough if Shawn Michaels farewell was responsible for the rating last week in their diluted minds, then I can’t wait for the excuse this week with Impact going up against the game. Boy I can’t wait for Football season to start and to see if the Impact experiment even lasts that long.
I think we can all agree TNA should have kept the damn show on Thursday’s. Go live every Thursday and hope for the best. Ratings actually were slowly but steadily going up on Thursday’s. But alas they got cocky and greedy and we are where we are.
TNA’s booking is a thing of madness sometimes and evidence of that is the fact that they just let one of the most talented wrestlers in the world walk in Christopher Daniels. Daniels was a guy who helped build TNA and what did he get for his troubles? He got released because some people in the company didn’t see him as a star. These are the same people who think Orlando Gaga will be a ratings draw (and I’ll get to that in a little bit). But as I used to say, WWE’s loss is TNA’s gain…well now it’s TNA’s loss is ROH’s gain. Christopher Daniels went back to his other old stomping grounds in Ring Of Honor this past Saturday and all ready he’s positioned himself into a big feud with Davey Richards. Now truthfully I don’t follow Ring Of Honor as much as I should. Mainly it’s because I don’t have an HD television so I can’t get HD Channels and HD Net. But it’s pretty damn clear that after one surprise return in ROH was pulled off better then anything TNA has done in ages.
ROH really is the last bastion of hope for Wrestling in this country. I really wish they had a deal like the old ECW show’s where they would be on at night on MSG and other regional sports channels. It would be so easier for those us stuck in the 20th century to catch up on stuff. I think TNA should have followed ROH’s model for the longest time but TNA as we know thinks they are something big. I will hand it to ROH though. At least when they experiment with something and it goes wrong, instead of being stubborn and continuing to do it they see the problem and fix it. Such a novel concept that I really wish TNA would follow once in a while.
TNA was a bit smart this week though when they started the show at 8 PM and it paid off somewhat as the rating eked it’s way back up to 0.9. Of course this weeks Impact might have been one of the most maddening in recent memory. They had this Lock Box Challenge and if you were a fan of Women’s wrestling it probably would have made you want to pull an Elvis and shoot the television or at least throw something at it.
I can’t even begin to explain the rules to this clusterfuck of a match, but basically TNA spit in the face of the entire Knockouts division that has proven time and time again they can out draw everyone else on the roster ratings wise. So this Lock Box gimmick more then proves my theory that some people in TNA have women issues. The Lock Boxes were even more stupid then the match it self. Each winner got a key for a box. The boxes had “An open contract for a match of her choice”, “Must perform a striptease”, Poison the spider, and THE KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP.
Yes this meant that Tara could in theory lose the TNA Knockouts championship not in a match but by turn of the key. TNA has done some pretty retarded things in their seven years, but this one has to be in the top five if not top three of stupidity. How they continue to piss all over the Women’s division is beyond me. How they also let go of some of the top Women’s wrestlers in the world in the last few months is mind numbing. Awesome Kong gets to walk because TNA decides to stick with Bubba The Love Sponge.
Seriously fuck Bubba and he little army. It’s the same five people in the front row ever week with the Hogan and Bubba signs. That’s not an Army…it’s barely a platoon.
Now if TNA wanted a REAL Army on their side they should enlist the O&A Army: The Pests.
These guys know how to do viral marketing and that is something TNA needs some lessons in. I mean it was pretty funny during the show the other night to hear Mike Tenay tell everyone “TEXT AND PHONE YOUR FRIENDS, IMPACT IS ON NOW”. Considering they sent out e-mail last Thursday night saying Impact was on TONIGHT at 8PM and then inside the E-mail it said Monday it’s pretty clear that TNA can’t quite grasp this Internet thing. It’s ironic since TNA’s fan base is Internet fans. We are the only ones willing to stick through all this bullshit.
The plus side apparently Spike and TNA have decided to move Impact to 8PM permanently and also have the replays on Thursday at 9 PM. At least I can reset my DVR and tape the final episodes of 24 in peace now.
On a sad note this week, Chris Kanyon passed away at the age of 40 from an apparent suicide last week. Last night I made the trek into Sunnyside in Queens and went to the wake of Chris Kanyon at the Lynch Funeral Home on Queens Blvd. It was jam packed with family and friends and I would assume fans but I didn’t talk to anyone while I was there.
Normally I wouldn’t go to a wake for someone I didn’t even know, but on Saturday morning I got an IM from someone I don’t know asking if I had heard the rumor about Kanyon. I said I didn’t and he told me that there was this rumor online posted by someone who lived in Kanyon’s apartment building that Chris had OD’ed. I was hoping it wasn’t true. The guy who IM’ed me asked if I knew anyone who could find out. I don’t have sources so I couldn’t but I checked an online FDNY scanner to see if there was anything about Paramedics in Queens for an OD but I didn’t hear anything. Eventually I e-mailed the guy from DOI and Raven’s office e-mail telling asking if they knew anyone who could check on his well being.
Sadly as we know it was all true. I decided to go tonight to just pay my respects. As I said there was a huge turn out so Kanyon had a lot of family and friends. There were a lot of pictures of him in better times. He looked as good as one can hope when they are laid out. I didn’t know him but I said the best prayer I could and I asked God to take care him now that he’s with him.
I didn’t stick around to long. It was very crowded and I’m slightly claustrophobic so cramped spaces and me don’t get along to well. I can only hope someday wrestlers get some sort of help so that in their darkest moment and hour they don’t do something like this. I really hope that Kanyon’s death will serve as a wake up call for some but lets be honest, it won’t. It’s honestly sad to say that but it’s the truth. All we can hope for is anyone dealing with psychological problems like Kanyon was (he was diagnosed as being Bi-Polar) can get the help they need before it’s too late.
On a closing thought, a lot of people on the Internet found it funny that Lance Storm is retiring from reviewing Impact because of the top of the head wicked chair shot Homicide gave to Rob Terry so TNA could show what a monster he is. A chair shot like that a couple of days after Kanyon’s death was a bit too much for him. I don’t know if TNA intentionally did it just because the WWE and ROH are now banning chair shots to the head or if they think Rob Terry actually will be something more then a juiced up meathead. But there are a lot of things to cause one to stop watching TNA. Orlando Jordan would be one of them. I am all for a bi-sexual gimmick in wrestling, but Jordan does not have the presence or charisma to even pull off something like this. Plus lets not forget the fact that he is absolute crap in the ring. But of course Bischoff and Russo figure pissing off the Internet is better then nothing so of course we’ll see more of Orlando Gaga doing some simulated Bukkake for no apparent reason.
There’s probably a lot more I could say on this subject, but there’s only so much one can say with out coming off like a homophobe.
On that note I am done for this week. I am just truly sorry that the rumor about Kanyon was true. It’s one of those times I wish it was just a cruel Internet hoax. So until next time take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it DAMN well has got to be me.
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