Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow the one and only Phantom Lord and this is my Rant Of The Week. As always I am coming to you from the gloomy rotten Apple that is New York City and despite being in a somewhat amount of pain thanks to aggravating my sciatic nerve, I am here with my game face on ready to dish it out as only I can with this column. I really am trying to keep this column going on a more updated basis, but sometimes I take a look at what’s going on in the wrestling world and just say I’ll pass. I know many of you feel the same way. Between the WWE and TNA sometimes there just isn’t anything worth writing about. But Wrestlemania is only ten days away so I figured I’ll give my thoughts on the current card and as an added bonus there’s tons of news about Vince going insane (well more so then he all ready was).
Before I get to all of that, I have to thank TNA for the continued source of laughter that they bring me. I’ve come to conclusion that you can’t watch TNA as a serious promotion so watching it as a parody of one is the best strategy and good God are they really doing the parody thing quite well. Last week they had a twenty man steel cage gauntlet match to determine who would be the captains of the lockdown teams. As if that wasn’t stupid enough, having read this weeks spoilers lets just say they wasted an hour last week for nothing. But with ratings actually going up a little bit this formula of Russo WCW 2000 booking is actually working for them. Smarks be damned as TNA is gaining viewers somehow. Apparently we don’t want to see wrestling. All we want to see is stuff that makes no sense what so ever. Ah well I gave up taking TNA seriously a while ago. The Sting/Foley match does have me interested because despite what everyone says about Sting and Foley, they still can cut a damn good promo and draw you into a match.
Mick might be in bad shape, but hell Terry Funk was in bad shape the last decade or so of his career and he was able to milk out some really productive years out of it. If Mick can do the same thing for TNA that Terry did for ECW then it will all work out. I really can’t hate anything Mick Foley does. He’s been one of my favorite wrestlers for years and if Sting and him can channel even a bit of the match they had in 1992 at the Bash At The Beach then it might be one of the best matches TNA will have put on in ages. Of course we all said the same thing about how great Angle/Joe last year at Lockdown was and that TNA finally turned a corner and then they fucked up Joe more then anyone could ever imagine.
I’m sure I’ll have more on TNA in the coming weeks, but right now it’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year in the world of Wrestling. Wrestlemania is a few days away and the card could not look any more horrible then it all ready is right now. I mean this is the best card they could come up with for Wrestlemania 25? Do not get me wrong because Triple H/Orton and Undertaker/Michaels will be amazing matches. But the rest of this show looks like it should be the card for a lesser PPV maybe like Backlash or something. With the economy in the tank and ordering PPV’s a luxury for most people, the fact they are charging $54.95 for this ($64.95 if you’re a poor soul ordering it in HD) for this is mind numbing. Yes Wrestlemania is the WWE’s biggest show of the year and I understand the production costs for it are probably astronomical. My point is the card does not match up to the price. It’s sort of like an over priced boxing PPV to be honest. Your only really paying for the two or three good matches on the card and the rest will be filler.
That might seem harsh, but it is the truth. It’s a well-known fact that Vince does not give a shit about anything other then RAW and more importantly it’s main event scene. The rest of the show can be filled with anything really. All that matters is the main event and it’s players. The Triple H/Orton match has been set up better then anyone can have expected. Sure it’s a match that’s been done before numerous times, but with all the heat going into it we can look past that because it will be fun to see Orton and Triple H try to kill each other.
But aside from that match you can clearly see where Vince focused his attention. The rest of the card as I said looks horrible (minus the Taker/HBK match). There were plenty of reports about how Vince was making the life of WWE Creative a living hell as his crazy nature finally was starting to make people reach their breaking points. The best one was Vince being held up at his Boca Raton condo and telling everyone that the meetings for Wrestlemania would be held there. So everyone makes plans and then Vince is like “WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING HERE…GO BACK TO STAMFORD”. See this is the crazy Vince we are clamoring for on television. Some have suggested in his old age, Vince is becoming like Howard Hughes. If Vince were to show up on television being all paranoid about the germs around him, I would never say another bad thing about him.
I CAN SEE IT NOW, AIR WWE WITH JOHN CENA AS THE PILOT. YOU KNOW I CREATED HIM.
HE’S BIGGER THEN HOGAN, HART, AND SAMARTINO COMBINED.
It was fun to see Vince come back on Monday though. As I mentioned above, if Wrestlemania wasn’t next week they just set up for a hell of a Backlash main event. Shane, Vince, Triple H vs. Legacy in a street fight would just be awesome especially with Vince going all Greenwich mean street. But for the main event of Wrestlemania it makes no sense. Ah well Orton/Triple H should be good no matter what. Since it was deemed if Triple H is disqualified or counted out he would lose the title, I’m guessing Orton and Legacy will get away with murder before Triple H hulks up and beats them all.
The only other match I would be interested in seeing is The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels. Shawn Michaels has been on fire with his promos for this one and the match by all accounts will be outstanding. I really don’t have anything to add about it as this is one of the few things the WWE is doing right now that they haven’t screwed up.
One thing they have screwed up and screwed up royally is the Chris Jericho/Legends feud. Originally it was supposed to be Jericho vs. Mickey Rourke but Mickey’s people (yes he has people now) told him he would ruin his chances at the Oscar if he lowered himself to doing actual wrestling. Well he didn’t win the Oscar and I guess the money wasn’t right so Randy The Ram coming to life was out the window. Then there rumors about Jericho vs. Austin which would have made perfect sense with the HOF ceremony the night before, but for what ever reason that didn’t happen either. It’s not like Austin had to wrestle a match like he did in 2001. A 10 minute brawl would have been perfect and made everyone happy. There was also the rumor of Jericho vs. Jerry Lawler. Now if Lawler was allowed off his leash and let to cut some vintage Memphis promos on Jericho then it would have been a match worth seeing. But Vince changed his mind and said fuck it and they just had a throw away match on RAW this week.
What we are left with is Chris Jericho vs. three of the men he mocked and humiliated over the last month in the form of Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat. That by itself should be a good reason for a match, but the WWE really dropped the ball on this one. On the one hand Jericho facing a couple of over hill guys proves the point he was making, but on the other it’s fun to see them have one more moment in the sun. But what I can’t understand is WHY Vince went with this match. I mean we all know Vince hates legends who shall we say are immobile. God bless Roddy Piper, but he’s hardly in the shape he was ten years ago much less twenty. Jimmy Snuka can barely walk and from what I understand he doesn’t even do the Superfly splash anymore (unless there’s a good payday like this in it for him). Ricky Steamboat is clearly in the best shape of all three, but he hasn’t wrestled an actual match in over 15 years due to his back. He did have a mini feud with CM Punk in Ring Of Honor that saw him fight back and hit some of his trademark moves, but it wasn’t an actual match.
This match could either be very good or very bad. It’s going to be elimination style as Jericho has to beat all three in a row in order to win. One would imagine with Mickey Rourke at ringside, he’ll get a shot in, Flair will get a shot in, and odds are some other hall of famers will and Jericho will leave with his tail tucked between his legs to the delight of the crowd. Sure it will be a good moment, but the match could have been so more and it’s such a prime example of how Vince drops the ball on stuff.
As for the rest of the card, aside from the booked on the fly JBL/Rey Mysterio match for the IC Title there is nothing on this card that screams out to me Wrestlemania. The Money In The Bank match really is a joke compared to previous years. Despite Vince being clueless and not seeing him as a star, I really can’t see anyone but Christian winning. There’s an outside chance MVP, Shelton Benjamin, or Finlay might but in the end Christian has to be the odds on favorite to win. I would imagine even with Vince being clueless, someone else in “the office” would have a clue and realize that Christian is a star and can be one for them. God knows they can’t keep doing Edge vs. Cena.
Speaking of which, I really like Edge. I really do but I cannot stand how he’s been booked over the last few months. First off it really made no sense to take the belt off him in February to begin with. Yes we know Triple H needed another title run, but they could of oh I don’t know LEFT THAT FOR WRESTLEMANIA. Triple H vs. Edge would have been good enough of a match. I mean they had all ready started building for it with Triple H constantly making fun of Vickie. Ah well if anyone but Cena wins this match I’ll be really shocked. I would like The Big Show to win since he deserves a title run since he’s be awesome in this angle so far, but we all know Cena has to over come the odds.
To bad his movie couldn’t over come the odds of sucking and bombing at the box office…AMIRIGHTORAMIRIGHT.
Seriously though, I was talking to my Lethal Radio associate Judge Gonz last night and he was telling me how he went to see the movie and basically how the producers of Die Hard 3 should sue the WWE for infringement. I personally found it funny when the WWE put up a survey on wwe.com asking if we saw the movie and why we didn’t. The question about if the 12 rounds segment’s on WWE television was the best. The more I saw them the more I didn’t want to see the movie (well not that I would want to anyway). John Cena would probably do better as an actor outside the WWE. The WWE when it comes to movies is pretty much the same when it comes to their programs. It’s mostly hit and miss for them. I honestly believe if the WWE was just a silent investor in these films they would do marginally better. I had the same theory about the XFL and why it failed. It just gets annoying when the shows end up being a partial infomercial for a movie that at best will be a late night showing on an HBO or Showtime channel.
Sorry I got distracted there but you know me, I can’t pass up a chance to bash John Cena.
Another match the WWE dropped the ball on is Jeff vs. Matt Hardy. This generation’s Bret vs. Owen and by all accounts it will probably be done and over with at Wrestlemania and it’s a real shame that is the case. Originally it was supposed to be Christian vs. Jeff because EVERYTHING pointed to Christian being the one attacking Jeff. But Vince for some reason decided to make it Matt Hardy just because details leaked on to the Internet. It’s funny if the Internet truly is such a small percentage of the actual audience; Vince goes out of his way to dick us around. Of course it could just be his quirky sense of humor. You know instead of booking a match people want to see and pushing someone to the moon just to stick it to his former company, you half ass what could be a good match in it’s own right so it’s mostly an after thought.
It’s an extreme rules match so that means there will be lots of plunder involved. Jeff does a huge swanton off the big big ladder and amateur video editors get another clip for their grainy Youtube music videos. If Matt does win I would be very shocked. Not that he doesn’t deserve a win, it’s just you know Vince has no faith in him as a potential draw. Smackdown should really be centered on Edge, Christian, Jeff, and Matt. Those four could be the new core to carry the show. Add in MVP, Shelton, Finlay, Evan Bourne, and eventually Rey Mysterio and you have what we would call a solid show. Of course since it’s Smackdown, Vince and his minions wouldn’t care but hey for those of us who do watch Smackdown it would sure as hell be worth watching.
There’s apparently a WWE Tag title unification match between The Colon’s and Miz/Morrison that is a lumberjack match. Basically anyone who doesn’t have a match on the card will be a lumberjack. I guess that means there will be about 30 lumberjacks at ringside give or take. If Miz/Morrison don’t win it will be a crime. I like Primo and Carlito, but the WWE really hasn’t given me any reason to care about them. Miz and Morrison at least are good at what they do. If they don’t win there probably will be a huge brawl causing a no contest. I would hope that is not the case since there really is no need for two sets of tag titles and since Miz and Morrison are practically on every show anyway it would just make sense for them to win and continue to bolster that they are the greatest tag team of the 21st century.
One match that could be fun in a train wreck sort of way is the 25 Diva Women’s battle Royal. It has all the diva’s on the roster plus some former ones. At the moment Victoria, Molly Holly, Sunny, Jackie Haas, and Nidia are supposed also be in the match. Lets be honest, this match is going to be a piss break for most of the crowd but it will be fun seeing Molly, Victoria, and the rest of them. I doubt Trish will be involved but who really knows. The rumor for the longest time was it would be Trish vs. Beth Phoenix or Natalya Neidhart at Wrestlemania. Then there were those pushing for Trish vs. Michelle McCool. Now that match would have truly sucked. I used to like McCool but now that she’s heel and her who deal is “meh” she really is unlikable. I mean its Xpac heat when she comes out for a match now. Plus you know she plays off being The Undertaker’s old lady so she’s like “its mah yard bitch”.
Personally I don’t really care who wins this match. I would figure it would either be Gail Kim, Mickie James, Maryse, or Melina. I’m just disappointed there’s no Wrestlemania Playboy issue this year. DAMN TV PG. I mean we all know that’s the only reason they bother with Diva’s matches or segments at Wrestlemania. It’s just for the Playboy issue.
As far as I can tell that is the whole card. There’s also going to be a performance by Kid Rock and that chick from the Pussycat Doll’s will sing God Bless America. Originally they wanted AC/DC to perform but AC/DC is off in Europe so that’s not going to happen. Me personally I would have tried for Guns N’ Roses. I’m sure even Axl would have been tempted enough to come out of hiding to do a show like Wrestlemania. Plus I think “There Was A Time” is maybe one of their best songs ever and who knows when he’ll go on tour so I would have made that the theme for Wrestlemania and hoped they would perform it.
It amuses me that Vince apparently never heard of AC/DC until he met them when The Rock first hosted Saturday Night Live in 2000.
BACK IN BLACK? WHAT IS THAT SOME SORT OF FASHION THING?
The WWE supposedly is preparing for the worst (low buyrates) for this Wrestlemania. It might be in the range that Wrestlemania 19 was in. I thought Wrestlemania 19 was a damn good show but for the WWE is was a disaster since only drew in the half a million buys range. I suspect Wrestlemania 25 will do well for them, but with the current economy and the astronomical price to order it, if there is a drop off we’ll know why.
Plus like I said, the card is pretty weak. I sure as hell wouldn’t drop $54.95 on it and I would assume a lot of you reading this won’t either. Vince will blow a gasket, but hey that’s what he gets for putting together a weak card and dropping the ball on some potentially big matches just because of his ego.
It should be interesting to see what does happen at Wrestlemania and I’m sure the aftermath will be fun despite everything I’ve said. And I’m sure I’ll have a lot of talk about in my next column because God knows the Wrestlemania mop up will probably be a mess.
On that note I am done for this week so take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it DAMN well has got to be me.
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