Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow the one and only Phantom Lord and this is the all mighty Rant Of The Week. I really am trying to up my production again, but as we know trying and doing are two different things. But with Wrestlemania just about a month a way we’ll be getting some pretty damn good television leading into that. On the flip side with TNA, they seem to be using the “lets see how absurd we can make things” theory to television and it seems to be working even if it drives we the lowly fans mad in the process.
But then again since when as a wrestling company EVER cared about what we the fans think anyway.
First and foremost I have to say I am glad to hear that Jamie “BAW GAWD” Noble “BOY” was all right after getting a neck stinger after his squash match against Mike Knox. Noble is one of the most under appreciated guys in wrestling and it’s a shame all the WWE uses him for is cannon fodder for making the giant loafs of the company look good. Hopefully someday Jamie gets an actual run at success instead being cut because “creative had nothing for him”.
Speaking of Knox, boy this guy really has fallen into the role of the new Gene Snitsky. I hope for his sake none of the divas get pregnant and he’s ends up doing an assisted abortion. Though Snitsky punting the fake baby into the crowd was all kinds of awesome. Knox though does have the possibility of being a Sid Vicious type of course he would need to show some of the same personality that Sid did. He is all ready killing smaller wrestlers, so he’s half way there. Of course with Sid, it was hard not to root for him so people would want to see him murder and maim. Knox on the other hand when his music hits has the same effect Gene Snitsky had on a crowd and that’s he sucks the heat out of the building faster then anyone else and kills them dead.
Jim Ross and others compare Knox to a modern Bruiser Brody. He might have Brody’s look, but I don’t see the comparison. Maybe its just because Knox is in the Snitsky role of token sadistic mad man, but I don’t see it. Personally when I see Knox come out I see him as the world’s largest Hasidic rabbi. Perhaps that could be a new gimmick for him if the current one runs its course. Bring back Barry Horowitz and have him be Knox The Golem.
He wouldn’t even have to Kill The Czar (a point goes to anyone who gets that reference).
I would suggest he be Scotty Goldman’s Golem, but the WWE in their infinite wisdom released Scotty last week. On the plus side he can be Colt Cabana again, but it pisses me off to no end when a so called creative team says they can’t come up with anything for a guy who obviously has charisma coming out the ying yang.
But the problem Scotty had is he didn’t have “the look they were looking for”. What the fuck does that even mean? Well we know what that means. Scotty’s mistake was he wasn’t 6’5 and 300 pounds of solid muscle because as we know when they say “the look” that’s what they mean. Well its as I always say, the WWE’s loss is someone else’s gain. I would say TNA, but they don’t deserve Colt. They would use him even worse then WWE did. Nah, the place for Colt is right back in ROH. ROH has a TV deal now so he would be of great use to them. Granted its HD Net, but everyone has to start off small. I did like Scotty Goldman though. He was a nice throw back to the great comedic characters of yesteryear. Of course for the WWE, comedic character today means cannon fodder. As cannon fodder he did his job pretty well so it’s a bullshit excuse to apparently fire a guy because he blew a spot. This is nothing new though in the corporate world. If someone wants you gone but cant find a reason to do it, they’ll wait for you to make one small mistake and then WHAM they go in for the kill.
Moving along to other news of interest, I have to say I was saddened to see the winning streak of my favorite Russian/soon to be Soviet again wrestlers Vladimir Kozlov come to an end. I am a huge fan of Kozlov and I thought he had a great match with The Undertaker last week on Smackdown. When he countered the Old School into a powerslam for the win that was a legit WTF moment. No one beats The Undertaker like that and Kozlov did it like it was no big thing. I honestly believe if Kozlov had a mouthpiece, someone who could play either a rich Russian playboy or a renegade soviet general he would be the biggest heel on Smackdown right now. I mean we’re Americans so we hate the Russians. Well not the Russian people, just the Vladimir Putin types that are just biding their time waiting to strike.
See WWE I’m being Creative there, it’s not so hard.
I’m pretty sure I could come up with stuff for maybe 95% of the roster. The rest I would just recommend they get future endeavored (which I will get to in a little while because I have never been happier to see those words today). Of course things being TV PG greatly limit what can and can’t be done but that’s what we would call a tiny obstacle. Besides we only have to wait for the current crop of Cena fans to hit puberty for all the blood and stuff we like to come back.
Ah but it seems the job of a “creative writer” is not exactly a fun one especially during this time of year.
To update earlier reports about Vince McMahon frustrating members of the creative team, although it’s always a trying position, it is definitely more stressful this time of year. PWInsider.com reports even more than usual, Vince has been changing his mind when it comes to storyline direction and Creative gets the brunt of the heat, whereas the wrestlers get little to none of it. Numerous former creative writers, including WrestleZone’s Eric Stein, have stated in the past that there’s very little love shown to the creative team from Vince McMahon, nor from most of the boys. It’s a high stress-level job and some work up to 70-80 hours a week at times. You could only imagine this time of year around WrestleMania that it would be even more the case.
Apparently, there is even more incentive within the WWE as of late to stop leaks to the Internet and other outlets. Vince has made it clear to those under him who have made it clear to those under them that Vince does not want anything leaked. From an employee loyalty standpoint, I can understand his wanting that, but because the Internet makes up such a small percentage of WWE’s (and wrestling’s, in general) fanbase, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal, but it is and more now than it has been in the past.
Credit to PWInsider.com
Vince McMahon must really be one of the most interesting people in the world to work for if all the reports we’ve ever read about him are even half true. On the one hand he’s probably one of the best people to work for but on the other hand he might the craziest to work for. The money has to be really good to put up with the mood swings and him changing his mind every other day. I mean for other then money I sure as hell wouldn’t put up with that kind of shit day in and day out.
I honestly don’t know why leaks are such a big deal. If Vince really wanted to send a message he could have one of the people leaking charged with corporate espionage or something. Granted it would probably never hold up in any court but it would send a hell of a message. Me personally, I wouldn’t leak anything. I’m generally a paranoid person and the last thing I would want is someone getting a hold of my work and ruining it by leaking it onto the Internet. I’m all for show spoilers, but sometimes even I like to be surprised so if Vince can bring the hammer down on who ever is leaking stuff then more power to him.
Well despite all the chaos the WWE has two great angles to carry RAW into Wrestlemania and that’s Randy Orton vs. Triple H and Chris Jericho vs. The Legends. The rest of the show honestly looks like filler compared to the rest of it (I’ll get to MITB later). I shouldn’t say the rest of the show. Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker will most likely be the match of the night, but the rest of it doesn’t have me to thrilled to want to order the show.
In the mean time I’m going to try and focus on the good even though I’m pretty pissed off right now because here in New York, 92.3 K-Rock is flipping to a fucking CHR station. In case you don’t know, CHR is shit like Beyonce, Katy Perry, and what ever the hell else is on the top 40. It’s like Jim Carrey said at the MTV Movie Awards a while back. “WOULD IT KILL YA TO PLAY A LITTLE BIT MORE FOGHAT”? Well in my case add Rainbow, Motorhead, and a lot less of whatever the hell today counts as so-called Rock these days. The only really new Rock bands in this decade that I actually like are The White Stripes, Wolfmother, and I’m starting to get into Volbeat. Other then that the only really good solid music out there is in Europe.
Ok I’m done with that segway. Anyways as I was saying you have I’ll say three really good angles going into Wrestlemania. The Triple H/Randy Orton stuff last night on RAW was pretty funny. It was really funny to almost see them revisit Pilman 911. I guess with them being TV PG, Orton couldn’t do what any normal home owner would do and that was go get a gun and the moment he had a shot he takes it.
Oddly enough though someone over on the Lethal board noted that he would probably have no sold being shot anyway.
In the real world obviously the title match would be off because Triple H would be looking at some serious jail time for breaking and entering with a deadly weapon. But since this is the WWE Universe, charges will be dropped and it will be settled in the ring. Sort of like how Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio fought for a kid in a ladder match. The sheer insanity of that aside, it’s going to be an awesome match. If it were the mid 80’s it would be the perfect reason for an I Quit Cage match. Triple H is no Magnum TA, but I think Randy Orton is very much a great Tully Blanchard. The only other thing I can think of that reminds me of a feud like this is Hogan vs. Piper. Triple H has learned a lot from The Hulkster, and Randy Orton can pretty much be Piper with people paying to see him get maimed. Honestly though I think Randy Orton will just be the first Randy Orton and for the next fifteen years or so, every douche bag jock heel that there is will be patterning themselves after him.
You know you have made it to the next level when people want to be the next you. Orton is honestly going to be the best heel of the next decade. No amount of shitty booking can ruin that fact.
The other great heel of the moment and possibly a good few years until he decides to retire is Chris Jericho. No one even comes close to him and I think people breaking into the wrestling business should study everything Jericho has done from his feud with Shawn Michaels to right now. Chris Jericho as the methodical heel who is calm and cool and then borderline psychotic has made for some amazing television. At this point it really doesn’t matter what legend he does face. You would think if it’s going to be Steve Austin they would pull the trigger on that now rather then wait till the last minute. I would hope by next week when Jericho has his big show down with Flair we have an answer as to which legend will take on Jericho. I know Austin has more then a couple of matches with the right people left in him so I have no doubt that if it were to happen it would be great to watch. The only other person I wouldn’t mind seeing face Jericho is naturally Ric Flair. Of course once he comes out of retirement the floodgates open and Flair would be wrestling at every two bit Indy show that can afford his booking fee.
I wouldn’t mind seeing Flair wrestling some people on the Indies. I mean if he does come out of retirement next week (supposedly he won’t with out Shawn’s blessing but who the hell knows) to face Jericho on RAW it would only be to set up Jericho’s opponent at Wrestlemania. I doubt that’s going to happen but who the hell cares, it will be fun to watch.
The last big match that is carrying this show is Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker. They had a really cool in ring promo last night with Shawn no selling The Undertaker appearing out of thin air. It was a pretty cool back and forth and it should be really fun to see Shawn and The Undertaker wrestle again. Aside from a couple of meetings in the Royal Rumble, to the best of my recollection they have not faced each other since at least 1998 at the Royal Rumble in the casket match. It’s amazing that their collective paths have not crossed for at least one match since then.
It should be interesting to hear about any “backstage news” about Shawn and The Undertaker. There was a long-standing rumor from years ago that The Undertaker was going to legit beat the shit out of Shawn if “he didn’t do the right thing”. That was before Shawn found Jesus and all so I have to imagine they might have patched things up since then.
Next week they have the old “opponents become partners” deal with Shawn/Taker vs. JBL and Vladimir Kozlov. I suppose it could be worse, they could have them facing Miz/Morrison for the tag team titles. It will be interesting to see who turns on who first unless they do the mutual respect thing and neither of them attack the other. I honestly can’t pick a winner with Shawn/Taker at Wrestlemania since it could go so many ways. So I won’t even begin to speculate on how the match will go. All I can say about it is I think it will be up there with the Undertaker/Kurt Angle matches from 2006.
Speaking of two of my favorite people in the WWE, JBL and Kozlov both have had interesting weeks. Kozlov suffered his first loss in regular competition against HBK last week and it appears according to some reports (but it might be some of those fake ones going around) that Vince has “soured” on Kozlov. I would hope that is not the case because Kozlov can be good, he just needs a mouthpiece to put him over the top as I’ve mentioned so many times before. Put the US Title on him or something, it’s not like Shelton Benjamin is using it.
As for JBL, IT’S MORNING AGAIN IN AMERICA.
I marked out so hard for JBL winning the Intercontinental championship last night. I know a lot of people hate him, but you know what…who cares. JBL is by far one of the most entertaining people on RAW. On his WWE Universe blog, JBL is hyping up something so big at Wrestlemania 25 that it will shock the world.
One can only imagine what JBL has in mind for Wrestlemania. I just hope it involves him arriving on a big white horse. JBL needs the most epic of entrances to really put it over the top.
But it’s funny, who would have ever guessed in 2009 that John Bradshaw Layfield would be a Grand Slam Champion they would have thought you were nuts in say 1997. Watching some of the old RAW’s on WWE 24/7 it’s funny to see how far JBL has come. From being Justin Hawk Bradshaw to Blackjack Bradshaw to Acolyte Bradshaw to JBL, he has accomplished more then anyone thought he ever would. As an added bonus, JBL won some kudos from everyone as his company Layfield Energy is sponsoring Ohio Valley Wrestling. Some people thought JBL bought OVW, but he made it clear he is only sponsoring the show so they can keep their TV slot in Louisville.
I have to say though I am interested in what ever JBL has planned for Wrestlemania and I’m glad the Intercontinental Championship will more then likely be defended at Wrestlemania. It gets lost in the shuffle so much with all the other titles that the WWE has. In a perfect world they could have an outstanding Intercontinental title division with JBL. CM Punk, Regal, Santino (minus the comedy act), Knox The Golem, Kane, and probably a few others I’m forgetting at the moment. All I can hope for is JBL has a Honky Tonk Man esq run as champion for the next year or so just so we all can see him gloat about being the longest reigning champion in RAW history. There needs to be some sort of stability and someone needs a long un-interrupted title run. Sure Shelton Benjamin has one right now, but he’s not defending the title so that doesn’t exactly count.
Now if you want to get into title situations that are a mess, look no further then the World Heavyweight Title. As much as I hate Cena it made no sense to take the belt off him. A lot of us on the Internet speculate they put the belt back on Edge because Vince was scared shitless that John Cena was going to be booed out of the building at Wrestlemania if he had to defend the title against Randy Orton. I suspect he’ll still be booed, but it wouldn’t be the public execution it would have been with The Age Of Orton reining supreme over Cenamania. I’ll admit though what happened on RAW was funny as hell. The Big Show and Vickie Guerrero had me laughing my ass off between their facial expressions. People do not give Vickie nearly enough credit for being one of the best all around heels in wrestling. But the best part by far was The Big Show’s “hand caught in the cookie jar” look on his face after the video aired.
If the WWE wants to make money with their films, they really need to give The Big Show a damn movie all ready. Rumor has it according to Variety he is going to be staring in some buddy comedy being made by the WWE called Suckerpunch, A comedy about underground fighting. Basically Fight Club except it would be a comedy (not to say Fight Club wasn’t funny). I can’t hate on The Big Show so I hope it is a huge success if it is made and does come out.
It would be nice if The Big Show won the World Title. I mean it needs a damn change from being held by Cena and who ever he is feuding with. Plus The Big Show has done so much for them over the years; he deserves an extended run as champion. Then again that stupid draft is coming up after Wrestlemania so who the hell knows who will end up where and on what show. Well Triple H going back to RAW is pretty much a given. He tried working Tuesday nights, but it just didn’t work out.
Well I believe I am done for this week. I am sorry for the long delay between this column and my last one. To be honest I just didn’t feel like writing anything and if I had to rely on TNA for content then I would have not done anything at all. Thank God the WWE is on such a hot streak right now. In any event I will be back next weekish where I probably go more in depth into Wrestlemania as the card will take shape.
Oh before I forgot, the Money In The Bank Match. You have CM Punk, Mark Henry, MVP, Kofi Kingston, Kane, Christian, and Shelton Benjamin. I think this has the potential to be an epic train wreck. I mean who in their right mind thought the words Ladder Match and Mark Henry was a good idea? I’m just pissed Santino didn’t get the spot, I mean he at least could make a very amusing attempt at going for the case. I think it’s pretty obvious Christian will probably win the match. If not him I would hope for MVP. Either one would be a perfect choice, but this one could have the word car wreck all over it.
Oh yeah, Batista is coming back soon so here’s something for us all to enjoy.
On that note I am done so until next time take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it DAMN well has got to be me.
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