Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow the one and only Phantom Lord and this is my Rant Of The Week. As always I am coming to you from my bunker in the frozen cesspool that is Brooklyn, New York. You know its going to be a fun column this week because I am cold, bitter, angry, and did I mention cold? Add all of these up and some stuff that annoyed me to no end and I’m going to give you a text book example on how to do a rant.
So where do I begin this week. The Royal Rumble was this last Sunday and in a rare move, we ordered the PPV. The last PPV we ordered was The Great American Bash so it had been a while since we watched one. Top to bottom I enjoyed the Rumble. Swagger/Hardy was a pretty damn good match to open the show. Hardy had some pretty good punches thrown and SWAGGAH held his own. The Red White & Blue Thunder Bomb is by far one of my favorite finishers in wrestling. If this were the good old days, Swagger would be a solid Television champion in WCW. Well I guess the ECW Title is pretty much that so he’s at about the right place.
I loved the Women’s title match between Beth Phoenix and Melina. By far Beth and Melina are my favorite women’s wrestlers to watch aside from Mickie James and the now retired Victoria. Beth and Melina always bring it and this match was no different. The last time they fought on PPV, Beth and Melina tried to kill each other in a submission match. This time around they just decided to show us the virtues of yoga and that Melina can bend herself into ungodly unnatural positions.
Hey Vince, whatever amount of money it costs get Melina to be this years Playboy cover girl. Thanks but no thanks on Kelly Kelly if it ends up being her. All she has to do is the split and some of those other poses and it would be the biggest selling issue of all time.
But as I was saying, I enjoyed the hell out of the match. Plus as an added bonus Santino continues to grow a legion of fans as a whole bunch in the crowd were chanting for him and it was the funniest thing when he turned around to tell them to be quiet. I was a bit shocked to see Melina win. I was sure the crazy obsessed “fan” Rosa Mendez would come running in to save the title for Beth but it was not to be.
You know what, I got to look at that thing one more time.
Where’s Ron Simmons when you need him.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMN.
I didn’t like the JBL/John Cena match for a number of reasons. First off, every John Cena match is very predictable. It’s by the numbers with him so that’s not the problem. What was the problem was Shawn Michaels and his whoa is me I don’t have the balls to be a heel anymore act. JBL was beyond GOLD in this angle so far, but leave it to Shawn Michaels to screw it up. Funny thing though is even with Shawn’s lackluster effort in this angle it was still light years better then anything else the WWE was doing.
Honestly I don’t know what Shawn’s deal is. What just because he found Jesus he can’t be a heel again? Go back a few years ago to the great angle and match with Hulk Hogan. Even then he half assed it and wouldn’t go full heel. This angle could have been so great if Shawn gave it his all and really tapped into the heeldom that we know he can, but instead we get another moral play about Shawn doing “the right thing”. Will he take the money or will he stick to his morals. You know what, if Shawn was strapped for cash the “right thing” would have been him taking Shawn’s head off and letting JBL win instead of playing both sides of the fence.
See if it was I and I was in Shawn’s position, I wouldn’t have hesitated. Hell for the kind of money JBL was saying he could give him to fix all his troubles, I would have taken John Cena out. Oh yeah I would of kneecapped him or something and JBL would be able to ride triumphantly into Wrestlemania 25.
But no Shawn has to be a pussy and play both sides of the fence.
I am sorry folks. I’m just a tad ticked off as I write this so I’m channeling my anger right now. It’s either this or I sit here grinding my teeth as my blood pressure continues to rise until BOOM it goes off like Krakatoa.
My point still stands though, Shawn is a pussy.
On the RAW last night, I loved the “Employee Performance” segment with JBL and HBK. It would have been nicer if it were in a closed conference room or something, but hot damn JBL was on fire during it.
A lot of people were complaining about this angle about how JBL/Shawn potentially would have been a horrible world title match at Wrestlemania. I have to disagree as I think it would have made for an awesome old school match. PG ratings aside, if his happened in the mid 80’s it would have made for a great blood bath of a main event in Mid South or World Class. There’s still time for things to change though. I mean JBL could win the elimination chamber and the potential for JBL/Michaels would be back on. Either way the less I have to see John Cena and his tired act the better.
I can only hope at No Way Out it’s not the end, but the prospect of an all or nothing deal where either Shawn wins or he loses everything has left will make for some high drama during that match.
Speaking of Cena the trailer for his new movie doesn’t look too bad. Of course I liked it the first time I saw it when it was called Die Hard With A Vengeance. Like one of my friends said to me the other said, we’re guessing the only thing missing from this movie is a racist Sam Jackson. Honestly when it comes to WWE Films, I think the WWE as usual is taking the wrong approach. You know why the XFL failed? Had nothing to do with it being a minor league for journeymen players. It failed because Vince and company had to be front and center. No one in the “mainstream” will ever take anything associated with the WWE seriously.
Vince has this pipe dream that the WWE will be as mainstream as it can possibly be. His stars will be larger then life celebrities on par with the Brad Pitt’s and Angelina Jolie’s of the world. No matter what you all do, no one in the WWE will ever be A list because they will always be lowly rasslers. Now the 12 Rounds movie doesn’t look too bad. I mean it could easily pass as a straight to DVD/late night Showtime or HBO movie. But I really wish they would stop trying to make John Cena into this Superman who always over comes the odds. Want to know why the real fan base is sick of Cena; it’s because of stuff like that. Cena always over comes the odds and lives to fight another day. Sure if this were the late 80’s or early 90’s then yeah that kind of stuff would have been over huge with everyone. 12 Rounds is pretty much every John Cena angle from the last three years or so. Just replace criminal mastermind with JBL or Randy Orton and girlfriend/wife with the WWE title and you have John Cena’s battles.
John Cena might be the face of the WWE, but if there is one man who can carry the company it is Randy Orton. He is so over with the crowds as the anti-hero we want to root for. How Orton has managed to come back and get him self into this spot is quite amazing. I have to think back to 2004 when he was in Evolution. He had a great feud with Mick Foley where he earned his stripes and proved he could take an epic beating in that amazing hardcore match. He really was on fire back then and it all led up to the World title match against Chris Benoit at Summerslam. The match was by far Orton’s best at that point and while I was disappointed Benoit lost, I have to admit I marked out for Orton’s win.
Of course leave it to the WWE to screw that all up because soon after they had the celebration from Evolution where Triple H continuing his gimmick at the time of burying anyone who might take his spot had the whole group turn on Orton. That pissed me off to no end back then because it should have been the other way around with Orton and Evolution turning on Triple H, but that’s another Triple H conspiracy theory for another time.
Orton was made to look like a bitch and he ended up losing the title to you know who a few weeks later.
Lets skip to what just happened this past week on RAWR. We have Randy Orton on top of his game. The week before he punted Vince in the head to close what was by far the best RAW in ages. At the Royal Rumble he ends up winning and getting the title shot at Wrestlemania 25. You would think the WWE could not possibly screw this one up. The crowds are chanting RKO, RKO, RKO. Orton is more over then anyone else right now including Cena. There’s no possible way they could mess this up.
Well in the immortal words of Warner Wolf, if you had the WWE not screwing this up
YOU LOST
I think Brian Alvarez of the Figure 4 said it best about what happened to close Raw last week.
I cannot fathom them not doing an angle where Orton kills Shane next week, perhaps to set up the McMahon Family having to finally bring in the ultimate hired gun (son-in-law HHH?), but then again I couldn’t have ever imagined they’d do something so mind-numbingly stupid as having Shane Fucking McMahon beat up Randy Orton. For all I know, maybe Stephanie will beat up Orton next week. What’s ironic is that Steph said she wasn’t going to fire him because firing would have been too easy for him. She was right. This was significantly worse.
Credit to the Figure 4 Weekly
Yes Shane McMahon, the OG from the mean streets of Greenwich came down to the ring and he proceeded to whoop on Legacy and make them all of them but most especially Randy Orton look like a bitch.
Shane’s “assault” on Orton and Legacy was the damnedest thing I’ve seen in a long time. I like Shane McMahon. I really do. Compared to Vince and Stephanie as I’ve said before, I think he’s the only one of the bunch who has a clue as to what is hip and what would work today. But I can’t even begin to fathom how anyone thought what happened on Monday night thought it looked well on paper much less thought it looked great as it was happening. I can’t possibly see how another McMahon vs. Anti-authority star is possibly going to work. Don’t get me wrong, the punt to Vince was awesome. But after last weeks events, if Randy doesn’t leave Shane in a puddle of blood they will have effectively killed all the heat he was getting. Randy took out Vince but how’s it gonna look if he can’t get retribution and fuck up a non-wrestler in Shane McMahon.
There is a theory by some that the reason why Shane threw the weakest of punches was because it’s apart of an elaborate ruse by Orton and Shane. That would still lead to McMahon vs. McMahon, but I could live with Shane doing that. He hates Stephanie so much that he would do that just to get to her and take her out as the general manager of RAW. Everything is leading up to Orton/Cena at Wrestlemania so it doesn’t really matter what happens between now and then.
On RAW last night they rectified it to a point as they set up a No Holds Barred match between Orton and Shane at No Way Out. For a PPV with two huge gimmick matches, does it really need another? This match is so poorly thrown together it’s not even funny. I mean why in this day and age would anyone care about a feud involving a McMahon. Like I said before, I like Shane McMahon. But this feud hardly screams barn burner and I’m sure because of the WWE’s new kid friendly TV PG stance No Holds Barred will mean a lot of tin pan shots and no blood.
I hate kids, I really do. Everything always gets ruined when you gear anything towards them. If this were the Attitude era, Orton would be as big as The Rock or Austin. But since we’re all kid friendly now they are holding back his true potential. But I suppose it could be worse. He could be neutered like John Cena is. God Cena becomes more by the numbers with each passing week.
Moving along to my favorite topic in the whole wide world of wrestling the Titanic of modern wrestling, Total Non-stop Action. Oh God where do I start with them. See I call them the Titanic because in theory they should be this great wrestling company. There is no excuse for them not to be filling the void that WCW left and drawing at least double what they do right now in ratings and buyrates. But as you know with the Titanic, while it looked grand on the outside we now know it was made of inferior metal and bolts and when it side swipped the iceberg, it sliced through it like a hot knife going through butter. Well right now TNA is steaming full speed into the Iceberg. WCW did it and TNA is making THE SAME FUCKING MISTAKES THAT WCW DID.
It’s maddening to think that here we had WCW, which is probably going to be a case study for business majors some day and TNA is managing to duplicate it in every possible way.
First off we have The Main Event Mafia. It started off as a good enough group as a collection of former world champions who hated all the young punks who didn’t show them any respect.
REEEEEEEEEEEEESPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECTTTTTTTTT
But some how it’s morphed from a faction into the damn N.W.O. If you need proof of that, watch the first hour of Impact from last week. Now for sheer comedy, mEm Impact was tremendous. Black Snow and Chet Lemon are easily the best announce team in TNA’s history. Sure Booker was channeling Wolfman Jack and probably any number wrestling announcers from the late 70’s. Compared to Don West, Booker was Gordon Solie. I just wish he had thrown around the use of the term vertical suplay.
Scott Steiner as the ring announcer, man fire David Penzer and have him as the announcer. Who knows how much more Scott has in him in the ring, but put him as an announcer or color commentator and I guarantee ratings would probably double just from people tuning in to see what he would say. The only part of this mess that disappointed me was Kevin Nash. Nash can bring the fun as a commentator and he just let Booker run all over him. But what he did chime in with was gold so I can’t fault Big Kev.
As much as this episode of Impact was bad by everyone’s account, it did work for TNA on some level.
The January 29 edition of TNA iMPACT averaged a 1.18 rating, with 1.6 million viewers. The real story, however, was the difference in viewership between the first half of iMPACT which featured the Main Event Mafia takeover, and the second half where Mick Foley took back control.
The Main Event Mafia takeover storyline was cearly a hit with viewers, as the first hour of the show averaged a 1.22 rating, with an impressive peak of 1.27.
The rating dropped significantly for the second hour, which featured the return to normalcy after the M.E.M.’s takeover. The second hour averaged a 1.11, including weak 1.07 and 1.04 quarter hours to finish off the show.
Credit to I assume the Wrestling Observer
For the last couple of years, I have been harping on the fact that TNA’s ratings are stagnate. They are pretty much a straight line and don’t go up or down by that much. Main Event Mafia Impact while a horrible rehash of N.W.O. Nitro ended up getting TNA probably it’s biggest ratings ever. Well biggest until they had to go and have Mick Foley retake control of Impact and make things normal again. From that point on the ratings took a nosedive. You just have to love how things work out for TNA. This company could not possibly get any more worse, but seeing how the stride for the bottom of the barrel I bet they could.
By the way, did anyone know there was a TNA PPV on this weekend? I sure didn’t but then again it’s not like TNA has a clue how to build a PPV.
TNA’s Against All Odds will be this Sunday, here is the current card for the show.
Scott Steiner vs. Petey Williams
Booker T vs. Shane Sewell
Matt Morgan vs. Abyss
Knockouts Title Match: Awesome Kong © vs. ODB
TNA World Tag Team Title Match: Beer Money Inc. © vs. Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed
TNA World Heavyweight Title Match: Sting © vs. Kurt Angle vs. Brother Ray vs. Brother Devon
Is this the card for an upcoming Impact taping or is this an actual PPV event?
They really aren’t charging $29.95 for this I hope. On paper I’m sure it looks pretty entertaining and I’m sure a couple of those matches will probably be even halfway decent. But wow this is a WCW 2000 type PPV. I can’t honestly believe these people sit around “booking” and have settled on this as the card for the show. The card is always subject to change, but good lord it would need a lot of changing to even make this show passable.
What annoys me even more (as if this wasn’t enough) is A.J. Styles and Samoa Joe are not even booked on the show. Here are by far TNA’s top two guys and they aren’t even booked. Well Joe was supposed to be facing Kevin Nash, but Nash’s elbow injury put the kibosh on that. TNA has no excuse not to have AJ in a match. Just looking at this line up you are telling me AJ couldn’t be in place for Shane Sewell? No offense to Shane Sewell because he is actually very good at what he does, but why are we the lowly fans supposed to care if he’s going to be defending the honor of the referees? Secondly why is he wrestling again? Didn’t they give some bullshit reasoning that he was rehired to be a referee after he did the one match to put Sheik Bashir in his place?
My God how TNA is going to survive this year especially in this economy will be nothing short of a miracle. When they put a product on like this I just can’t see people wanting to spend money on it. Let’s be honest about TNA though. If not for Carter Energy, TNA would have died years ago. There is no way in hell they could have scraped by long enough with out someone pumping in money to keep them afloat. It’s funny how its always noted how TNA is turning a profit now after years of being a money pit. I think the thing people forget is that turning a profit can mean a lot of things. Technically speaking all turning a profit means is you have money left over after all expenses are paid.
Going back to this PPV, I would hope the Knockouts title finally gets put on ODB. She’s always been consistent and say it with me “she’s over with the crowd”. For all the stuff they have her do, she deserves a run with the title. Have her feud with Raisha Saeed and your set. A feud between them two would really book it self. Saeed being of high morals and disliking ODB because of her loose morals. It could go for a while and they could finish it with a hair vs. burqa match or something. Either way Saeed has to take off the burqa and Cheerleader Melissa can finally shine on the national stage.
The only other half way interesting match has to be the four way and I really hope they don’t put the title on Kurt Angle again. It’s clear they are building up to that or at the most dissention in the ranks (Hogan vs. Savage…n.W.o anyone) between him and Sting. Personally if TNA wanted to do something way outside the box, they should put the title on Brother Ray. Brother Ray has a poor man’s Dusty Rhodes vibe that he’s had for years and since the Main Event Mafia at it’s best is a low rent version of The Horsemen so it would work. They’ve done Kurt Angle as champion to death; Sting lacks the passion and fire to be a good champion. Only real option for this match is to put the belt on Brother Ray. I mean hell he’s pretty much the defacto leader of The Frontline so if anyone has a better idea then this I’m all open to your suggestions.
On the plus side, TNA did do one thing right on the last Impact and that was the hype video for the return of Samoa Joe. Apparently Joe has snapped and is going back to his roots because up till now we haven’t seen the real Samoa Joe. I can only hope when he comes back he goes on a one man crime spree like Taz did in the old ECW. Just dump people on their heads and choke them out. Whiney little bitch Joe ruined what should have been a defining moment for him and a great title run. TNA needs to stop booking the Frontline like WCW against the n.W.o. and they need to let Joe redeem himself and just go apeshit on the Mafia by himself. Either way it needs to be epic, it needs to be bloody, and it needs to be something that stops making the Frontline look like a bunch of pussies every week.
Wow I vented a lot of pent up anger in this column this week. Well on that note I believe I am done for now. Hopefully I’ll be back sooner with the next installment of what the WWE or TNA is doing to piss me off at that given moment.
So until next time take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it damn well has got to be me.
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