The following was sent in by SamJerry:
ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE
TALES FROM DUDLEYVILLE
BY
JERRY AND GRANDPA DUDLEY
It’s early Sunday morning in Beautiful Downtown Dudleyville, and naturally that means it’s time for WEW. Grandpa ran down to the Dudleyville Emporium and restocked our larder with a fresh supply of artery hardening snacks and several cases of Steveweiser so we are ready to go. Just one thing before WEW gets Grandpa’s Blood Pressure boiling, especially if Lollipop is on. A couple of you folks wrote and asked just how much input Grandpa has to these Articles. To say he was a might miffed is a bit of an understatement. Fact is I had to chase him away from the computer after he got his squirrel gun and was going to see if he could find out where the doubters were located. I calmed the old dude down, got him to put the gun back in the cabinet, and he is back on track. One other thing, rather than give you what WEW is hawking, since it changes less often that Douchebag Doophus Page changes his long johns, I (or should I say ‘we’) am just going to say ‘Insert Commercial” or something like that. If they happen to change anything, or come up with something (anything?) different or interesting, I’ll lay it on you. With all that said, it’s Show Time.
The show opened with Cle-Ho-Patra (should have known, here I’ve been calling WEW’s resident belly dancer Cleopatra. WEW’s VP in-charge of coming up with names may ban me from going to any live WEW events – no problem, I wouldn’t want to be among the 60 or 70 drunks anyway) and her Tag Team partner, Nav-A-Ho, coming to the ring first, followed by Team Blondage, Amber O’Neill and Crissy Vaine. The match was for the vacant Tag Team Championship. Figures, another change of the Tag Team Titles. This is getting to be beyond a joke – new Tag Team Champions just about every week, and this time for the vacant Titles. Announcer Eric “The poor man’s Joey ‘Oh My God’ Styles” Gargulio, started his hysterics early this week, saying ‘former’ Tag Team Champs, Hell’s Belles, will have something to say about this. Yeah, they and all the other ‘former’ (which means just about everyone in WEW) Champs. Grandpa was just a bit disappointed that Lollipop wasn’t there, but quickly settled on Crissy Vaine, who is certainly among the Top 5 Hotties in WEW. She looks a lot like one of The Beautiful People in TNA, but with a lot more bleach in her hair, a whole lot.
Before the match started, we went to weekly video by The Band From Nowhere and Going Nowhere. It’s the same video as last week, exactly the same. WEW has to be in a real money pinch. They are still hawking ‘This Month’s PPV’ Locker Room Lust. I’d hate to be hanging by my fingers for a “WEW Month.’
Back to the show and the match began with Old Slow Count (OSC) being the referee. We can all, well maybe with the exception of Douchebag, figure out that somewhere in this match OSC will screw Cle-Ho-Patra and Nav-A-Ho, the crowd (all of the usual 60 or so, with many being the exact same people – many? all?) favorites. Grandpa didn’t care that Crissy was a heel, she’s hot and that’s all that counts with him. Hell, if you woke up every morning to Grandma, you wouldn’t be much different. Don’t get me wrong, I love the old gal, but she aint winning too any beauty contests. After Team Blondage went thru a primping exercise, Amber started against Nav-A-Ho. Our Native American came out fast with a few Hair Mares, a Clothesline and a pair of Suplexes. As Amber tried to get off the mat, Nav started riding her like her pinto on the reservation. Amber made it to her corner and tagged Crissy in. Crissy motioned that she wanted Cle-Ho-Patra, who was only too willing to oblige her. Eric went into a rant about the bad blood between the two of them. Cle-Ho-Patra came in and gave the crowd a thrill will her booty shake routine. The same one she teaches every week. Crissy took exception to it went after her. As a reward, she got wrapped in a Head Lock and when she tried to break it, Cle-Ho-Patra nailed her with a Jaw Breaker, that somehow hurt both of them. They each crawled to their corners and tagged their partners in. Nav hit Amber with a Clothesline, a Back Elbow and then the dreaded Tomahawk Chop Of Death, and covered her. OSC was off taking a coffee break or selling WEW crap to the crowd and not paying attention. A great surprise to all of us. Eric was having convulsions, calling OSC a thief, a crook, and a few other choices names – also a great surprise. Nav was yelling at OSC and Amber took advantage, knocking her down. Amber then went to the top rope and dove at Nav, who moved out of the way (yet another surprise) and she ate the mat. Cle-Ho-Patra tagged in. Crissy came into the ring and cold cocked Cle-Ho-Patra . It apparently was coffee break time for OSC again. Meanwhile, Amber recovered and they double-teamed Cle-Ho-Patra. They hit her with a Double Face Buster, and Crissy covered her. OSC finished his coffee and counted to three, giving us ‘new’ Tag Team Champions, Team Blondage. What was so unusual about this match was there were several actual wrestling moves! In his disappointment at what had transpired, Eric said there will be several teams after Team Blondage, including Hell’s Belles. I wonder if The Undertaker knows them? Time for another commercial.
When we got back, the 2nd match was set to go. Simply Luscious (SL) came out to her usual greeting from the drunks and gave them a few hand gestures to thank them. Eric said the match was for the WEW Heavyweight Championship. Out came the Champion, Jazz. Eric said she was the new Champion, having won the Title at the last PPV (probably held in ancient Egypt) in a For Way Match. Now I know we have seen Jazz as Champion in the past few months, so there can no longer be any doubt that the shows are ‘slightly’ out-of-order. This was SL’s 2nd chance at the Title, and was Jazz’s first defense. Eric reminded us that SL was the only female to ever graduate from The Shawn Michaels Wrestling School. If it’s still there, there may be others, but what’s a few more or less. Jazz came out with her usual scowl and walked around the ring glaring up at SL. Eric said ‘Jazz was a Champion we can all be proud of.’ I am so proud, that I plan on calling WEW right after the show and buying a couple of hundred dollars worth of WEW junk. Screw food, the mortgage, car payments, etc. Before the match began, we slipped away for another commercial. I looked at the clock and it was 3:24 AM. Here we go again, another match that will continue next week.
We got back at 3:26 AM, and unless we have a real fast pin, we aint going to make it. SL started fast with a series of kicks and punches, following up by choking Jazz over the middle rope. When the ref told SL to break, she pounded Jazz on the back. Jazz came back took SL down, where she proceeded to punch her about the face and neck. Eric said Jazz may have broken SL’s nose. Wow! An announcer and a medical expert. Take that Joey Styles! SL rolled out to the floor for a breather. Jazz shook the top rope and stomped. If she was trying to get the crowd into it, buying a round of beers would have worked a lot better. SL got back in the ring stalled. I knew there was no way this match would be finished before they went off the air. SL called for a test of strength. They locked hands and tried to over power each other. Being very astute, Eric said Jazz better watch out, she better not shout … oops, wrong time of the year … SL might kick her in the gut. Right on cue, SL did exactly that, which proves Eric can read the sheet laying out the match. SL followed up with a Clothesline, but … what did appear at the bottom of the screen? ‘To Be Continued Next Week.’ One more surprise, in a night of amazing surprises.
Grandpa had very little interest in the second match, saying both of them would have come in third in a two person beauty contest. If nothing else, the old dude is consistent. He had the memory of Crissy to fall back on as he headed upstairs, where Grandma awaited. I skipped the Dudleyville Motel Four, and the cockroach races last week. The noise from Grandpa’s room kept up until at least 3:35 AM. I grabbed another Steveweiser and figured I’d wait him out tonite.
Next weeks WEW TV Report will be delayed a couple of days. Grandpa, Grandma and I are going to his third cousin Elmer Lee Moe Dudley’s wedding. He’s marrying the beautiful (them’s Elmer’s words, not mine or Grandpa’s) Elvira Lee Merleen Dudley, a way distant cousin from North Dudleyville. One good thing, with the same initials, they can use their old plates. Gee, I wonder if that’s why Elmer is hooking up with her … to save a few bucks. He never was one to dig into his pockets if he could avoid doing so.
Until next week.
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