Full Credit: F4Wonline.com
We open this week’s show with Triple H, who puts over “Unforgiven” as
a tremendous ppv, despite all of the evidence to the contrary. He
reminds us that he was the only man to walk into “Unforgiven” as a
world champion and walk out a world champion. He continues to boast
about how he always comes through, no matter the obstacles placed
before him, but he gets cut off by Jeff Hardy. Hardy puts over the
Cerebral Assassin, in response to which HHH goes borderline-heel and
notes that Hardy always manages to fall one second short of winning
the big one. Hardy then goes all insider-references on Triple H’s ass,
postulating that maybe he’d have more luck if he had friends like the
Kliq and DX in his career or if he’d married into a position of power.
HHH responds by saying that Jeff achieved the most glory in his career
as part of the Hardy Boys, which was owing to the fact that Matt kept
him in check. HHH notes that Matt is currently a World Champion. He
says that maybe if Jeff wasn’t constantly getting derailed by
“extracurricular activities” he could achieve success on that level.
The crowd boos that one. He hopes that Hardy wins the Fatal 4-Way
tonight to determine the number one contender for “No Mercy” (vs.
Shelton Benjamin vs. MVP vs. THE Brian Kendrick), because, if he does,
he’ll just prove HHH right at the ppv and blow it once again
Divas Champion Michelle McCool, Maria and Brie Bella vs. Maryse,
Natalya and Victoria
Michelle and Natalya start us off. Natalya tries to back body-drop
her, but you can’t back body-drop Michelle McCool, so she consequently
flips onto her feet and boots Natalya in the chest. Maria comes in and
applies a Majistral Cradle~! for two. She works the arm a bit and tags
in Brie, who goes wild with her flying mares of throwback-hilarity.
She scores with a monkey-flip, but goes to the well once too often and
winds up being thrown through the air. Maryse tags in and hits a
flawless backbreaker. She then does an unnecessary flip over Brie’s
prone body. As a taunt, I guess. Victoria flies in with her somersault
leg-drop, but there’s no water in the pool. The heels prevent Brie
from making the hot tag, and Brie winds up taking a spill to the
floor. She scurries under the ring, and this time JR notes her
penchant for going under it. Maybe she’s just good friends with
Hornswoggle. Victoria tosses “Brie” back inside and gets quickly
jackknifed to pick up the victory for the faces. Twinned.
Winners: Michelle McCool, Maria and Brie Bella
R. Truth vs. Chavo Guerrero (with Bam Neely)
Truth now officially has the greatest entrance on “SmackDown,” rapping
through the arena demanding to know “What’s up???” and finishing the
proceedings off with funky dancing. I demand a backstage-segment
wherein Truth repeatedly asks catatonic-Festus “What’s up???” to
absolutely no reply. Neely is still stewing over his loss to Truth
last week. Suck it up, dude. Truth opens up with an arm-drag into an
arm-bar into a leg-lariat. Chavo then gets innovative with some
semblance of a flying body attack, as Truth comes off the ropes. He
hooks in a chinlock, but Truth rises like a phoenix and starts
delivering clotheslines. Chavo runs directly into a power-slam, and a
bicycle kick from Truth follows for two. He swings and misses with the
Ax Kick, however, and Chavo hits the cheap-heat Three Amigos. He
ever-so-slowly ascends to the top-turnbuckle, but Truth is able to cut
him off. In a hilarious spot, Truth no-sells a rake to the eyes.
That’s gotta be a first. Neely decides he’s had enough of this and
blatantly interferes, jerking Truth off (not in that way) the ropes,
drawing the disqualification. Chavo, seemingly feeling that he had the
match in control, demands to know why Neely cost him the match,
sparking an argument between the two. Chavo reminds Neely that he pays
him to do his dirty work, and Neely responds by shoving Chavo to the
mat! Before he can beat up Chavo, however, Truth re-merges and lays
Neely out with the Ax Kick. He then takes out Chavo with the corkscrew
flying forearm. Unfortunately, he doesn’t then shout at their prone
bodies, “What’s up???”
Winner: R. Truth
Backstage, Shelton Benjamin hits on Eve, boasting about his
performance in the Scramble, to which Eve hilariously replies, “But
you still didn’t win!” HHH interrupts this to ask why Shelton even has
to compete in the Fatal 4-Way tonight, seeing as how he never got
pinned in the Scramble. Shelton feels him on this. He warns Shelton
that Hardy is going to try really hard to win tonight. HHH is pretty
crafty. Shelton shrugs that off and says that he’s not going to reach
for the brass ring, but he is going to reach for the Game’s WWE Title!
Good luck with that.
Festus (with Jesse) vs. Kenny Dykstra
BISCUITS AND GRAVY!!! Jesse and Festus are inexplicably wearing
moving-company uniforms this week, and they come out complete with a
giant box and a hand truck. Dykstra, meanwhile, comes out cutting a
Dangerfield-esque “No Respect” promo. He has the gall to punch
catatonic-Festus in the face. He then knocks Jesse off the apron.
Jesse runs back in and tags Dykstra upside the head, before going out
to ring the bell. Festus, perhaps with the cognizance that Dykstra
just punched him in the face, goes even more nuts than usual at the
sound of the bell, destroying Dykstra in seconds with a big boot,
Flying Asshole, flying shoulder-tackle and the fireman’s carry
flapjack. Jesse then re-enters the ring, prior to a pin-fall attempt,
and they tape up Dykstra, while the referee and the world at large
look on confusedly. They load up Dykstra on the hand truck, as we go
to break. Question mark.
When we come back Dykstra is being wheeled away on the hand truck.
Jesse puts tape over his mouth to stifle his whining. As they carry
him into the sunset Festus still has a freaked-out expression on his
face, so I’m assuming the bell never rang there. They never mentioned
this again for the rest of the show (spoilers), so I don’t know where
they wound up taking him. My assumption is they dumped him off a cliff
into a river, but I can’t say for certain.
Winner: No Contest (?)
We get highlights of the Undertaker failing to steal Vickie’s soul at
“Unforgiven.” I hate that they wasted druids on that. Hopefully the
next time we see druids precedes an exclusive interview with Edge live
from Hell. Following some of the least sincere belly-laughs of
all-time, the Big Show proceeded to decimate Taker with roundhouses
and body-shots, before merging with Vickie to establish a most unholy
union. Vickie (who needs her own theme song that begins with her
screaming, “Excuse me~!”) then comes out to the ring. She tries to
speak, but is cut off by massive amounts of booing. She mentions
Taker’s complete failure to end her life at the ppv and says that she
responded to being threatened by spitting in Taker’s face. She calls
out the Big Show. He says Taker should’ve just followed the rules like
everybody else has to. Well, I think different rules should apply to
people with the power to summon lightning and chokeslam people
straight to Hell. He says they’ve formed a mutual alliance that’s not
about love. They’re a power couple that’s strictly about business. He
says that his journey with Vickie will eventually lead to the WWE
Title, but first he’s going to help her get that apology from Taker.
Handicapped Match: Vladimir Kozlov vs. Scotty Goldman and Funaki
Kozlov push-kicks Funaki into oblivion at the bell, then offers
Goldman a dose of the same medicine. He muscles Goldman onto the top
turnbuckle, just so he can punt him off. He then throws Goldman’s
lifeless body into Funaki. Kozlov viciously headbutts Goldman down.
Funaki comes off the top rope and gets headbutted in the chest as a
result of that. This match is over. Squash of the year. Kozlov cuts a
promo in Russian afterwards, which he’s kind enough to translate into
English. He demands better competition and warns us that if he doesn’t
get a better challenge he’ll find one himself. He must break them.
Winner: Vladimir Kozlov
Meanwhile, Ezekiel Jackson is reading the latest WWE Magazine when the
dastardly HHH interrupts. They engage in a staredown, playing off last
week’s no-selling of a chairshot from Triple H by Zek. THE Brian
Kendrick makes his presence known, and the Game wishes him luck
tonight. THE Brian Kendrick puts himself over, but HHH gets the last
word, pointing out that even though he was the longest reigning
champion in the Scramble match, he was also the biggest loser. Oh,
Triple Hach.
Non-Title Match: WWE Tag Team Champions Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder
vs. The Colons
The Colons are Primo (drafted over from “Raw?”) and Carlito, who has
re-grown the afro and is sporting some Tajiri-esque pants. They get a
goofy inset-promo wherein Carlito says that him and Primo teaming
together is definitely cool. Ryder tries to back body-drop Carlito to
start, but Carlito counters by Rolling the Dice. Primo makes a blind
tag and comes flying in with a springboard dropkick on Ryder. Carlito
then powerbombs Primo onto Ryder, which gets a two-count. In a funny
spot, Carlito catches Hawkins trying to pull down the ropes as he
comes off them and he responds by punchng Hawkins in the head.
However, Carlito gets hit with a leg-lariat by Ryder following that,
and the heels take over. Hawkins comes in and hits a suplex. We get a
series of restholds in a long heat-segment, during which the crowd
actually RALLIES BEHIND CARLITO! Very weird. In another funny spot, a
backslide by Ryder sets up a stomp to the head by Hawkins. Hawkins
eventually misses a splash in the corner, and Carlito makes the hot
tag to Primo, who comes in explosively, hitting a shoulderblock and a
cartwheel into a dropkick on Hawkins. He connects with a flying
body-press off the top, but Ryder breaks up the count. Ryder winds up
on the floor, however, and Carlito tags in and hits the BackCracker on
Hawkins to pick up the win for the Colons. Good debut. They definitely
need a new song, though. I’d also recommend a new finisher called The
Colonoscopy.
Winners: The Colons
MVP walks into HHH backstage, and the Game wonders why he’s in the
Fatal 4-way tonight, seeing as how he didn’t score any pin-falls in
the Scramble. MVP says that he’s in the match because he’s going to
take HHH’s title. Triple H says he hopes MVP doesn’t choke again.
Buried.
Fatal 4-Way: U.S. Heavyweight Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. MVP vs.
Jeff Hardy vs. THE Brian Kendrick (with Ezekiel Jackson)
The rules here are whoever scores the first fall wins the match.
Shelton cuts one of his generic “Gold Standard” promos on the
Titantron before coming out, which is followed by one of the greatest
facial reactions ever by MVP, whose face is contorted into a mixture
of disgust and bewilderment. THE Brian Kendrick bails to the outside
at the bell, setting the tone for the story of the match, as he
continually picks his spots and lets the other three battle it out
inside the ring. Hardy is overcome early on by the double-team assault
of MVP and Shelton. They double-flapjack Hardy down, but then engage
in a staredown when each man tries to cover him. MVP and Shelton then
start slugging it out. THE Brian Kendrick rolls in at this point to
try and cover Hardy, but Shelton kicks him in the head, and THE Brian
Kendrick rolls right back out. Buys. MVP with a NORTHERN LARIAT~! to
Hardy. THE Brian Kendrick re-enters the fray and catches MVP from
behind, but Shelton send him back outside. Hardy then scores with a
Whisper in the Wind on Shelton, but Shelton kicks out at two, as we go
to break.
During the break Shelton dumped Hardy over the corner onto the steel
steps, and Hardy is now lying outside the ring. MVP applies a headlock
on Shelton, as a “Kendrick sucks!” chant breaks out. He’s getting
over. Shelton nails MVP with the follow-through roundhouse. Ezekiel
grabs Shelton’s leg to distract him, and THE Brian Kendrick flies in
and hits a dropkick to the back of Shelton’s head, followed by a low
dropkick and a Camel Clutch on Shelton. Meanwhile, outside the ring,
Zek throws Hardy upside down into the barricade. Shelton stands up
with THE Brian Kendrick on his back, but can’t shake THE Brian
Kendrick until he drops THE Brian Kendrick unceremoniously on the mat.
MVP re-emerges at this point and sends THE Brian Kendrick back
outside. A slugfest erupts between MVP and Shelton. MVP catches
Shelton with a belly-to-belly throw. Hardy gets back in, but thrown
out immediately after by MVP, much to the crowd’s chagrin. THE Brian
Kendrick kicks Hardy in the face outside the ring. Hardy eventually
manages to throw THE Brian Kendrick into the barricade. He goes to
town on MVP and Shelton inside. He hits the descending dropkick in the
corner on Shelton for two. He goes for the Swanton on Shelton, but MVP
pulls him out of the way. MVP and THE Brian Kendrick then prevent each
other from covering Hardy. MVP then suckers THE Brian Kendrick into a
clothesline. Hardy hits the Whisper in the Wind on MVP, but Shelton
breaks up the cover. Hardy gets sent outside, and Shelton hits Pay
Dirt on MVP. THE Brian Kendrick breaks up the cover with a kick to
Shelton’s head. Hardy re-enters the ring and dropkicks Zek through the
ropes. He then hits a Swanton onto THE Brian Kendrick, who was
covering Shelton at the time, which means that Shelton got owned
there. Hardy then covers THE Brian Kendrick and picks up the victory
to become the NEW number one contender for HHH’s WWE Title. Before he
can celebrate, however, Vladimir Kozlov (!) attacks, killing Hardy
with a headbutt as he came off the ropes. He lays Hardy out with a
push-kick and an inverted DDT. The show ends with Kozlov standing
triumphant over Hardy’s mangled body. The match itself was pretty
good, but the lack of crowd heat when Hardy wasn’t directly involved
hurt it somewhat.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
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