Written by JERRY AND GRANDPA DUDLEY
It’s another warm early Sunday morning here in Beautiful Downtown Lower Dudleyville and that can only mean one thing – WEW is ready to begin. Actually, it can also mean the drunks are starting to roll into their homes and facing their significant others (waiting with rolling pins) wanting to know why they smell from beer and Channel No. 1 (it was the first and rejected for use by other than residents of Not-So-Beautiful Upper Dudleyville and people that walk upright). Grandpa has loaded up with Steveweiser ad all kinds of artery hardening snacks, and we are good to go.
If you recall, last weeks show ended with the dreaded “To Be Continued Next Week.” It’s now next week and the show began with Team T&A, Talia Madison & April Hunter and Team Blondage, Amber O’Neill and Lollipop, the WEW Tag Team Champions, coming down to the ring. The match was for the WEW Tag Team Championship. No need to tell you that Grandpa needed a seat belt when Lollipop came out. For the same reason, the security guards had to restrain a few of the imbibing patrons at ringside.
No sooner did they come out and we were whisked away to see this weeks video. Believe it or not, it was the same one for the third consecutive week. Looks like WEW is on an economy kick. Even with groups we (nor anyone else) have never (or will ever) heard of, and most likely gotten for little or no coins, they are using more than once. As always, the video contained shots of WEW ‘talent’ both in action and various other activities wearing very skimpy bathing suits. This was followed by ads to buy this months PPV … you guessed it, still the same month … so it’s still Locker Room Lust. They must be using a lunar month, a Martian lunar month. It wouldn’t be WEW if they didn’t mention the WEW Web Site, with ‘pictures of they can’t show on TV.’ Attention all young fans, you are not allowed to visit the Web Site, or so they say. That plus it’s not free, other than a few shots. Naturally they offer a special deal for viewers watching.
We finally got back to the ring and the match. I have to mention that all four wrestlers were wearing hot pink ring attire. I mention this because other than April Hunter, who is bigger than the other three and has muscles in her sweat, it was difficult to tell who was doing what to who when the match got underway. Most of the time, all four were in the ring at the same time. The ring announcer never said it was anything other than a standard tag team match and the ref never did anything to make it one. Other than someone whipping her opponent into the corner or their partner, the only wrestling move in the entire match was a Back Breaker by April on Lollipop. That was hard to watch as Lollipop is one of (if not the) hottest WEW talent. That led to April pinning Lollipop and Team T&A becoming new WEW Tag Team Champions, at least until the next show and we find a different team has the Title. Those of you who have followed WEW over the past couple of months know that the Title seems to change hands more often than the ‘talent’ change their stockings. The match lasted all of three or four minutes and the show was half way over. If you blinked during the match, you were lost completely. The action was that fast and wild.
Oh well, time for another commercial break. This was a bit different than the ones they have been showing. Don’t get too excited, it wasn’t that different. They hyped a new video (it has to be somewhere around No. 1250) for ‘last’ months PPV, ‘Cleavage And Carnage.’ Notice the catchy Titles WEW uses. The VP in charge of coming up with wrestlers names must also have that responsibility … that along with being a member of the ring crew, sanitation crew, lighting crew, etc. Nothing is too good for WEW and no expense is spared to give us their top quality production. This was followed by the usual Cleopatra Belly Dance bit.
It’s back to the ring again. The ring announcer said the next match was a ‘Stairway To Heaven Barbed Wire Match.’ There was a Barbed Wire Baseball Bat suspended over the ring and the wrestler who got it, could use it. This got announcer Eric Gargulio excited he told us this match was a first for WEW. I kept hoping someone would inject him with a strong sedative, otherwise I was going to hit the ‘Mute.’ button. The contestants were ‘The Latin Sensation’ Mercedes Martinez (MM) v. Simply Luscious (SL), the only female graduate of The Shawn Michael’s Wrestling Academy, or so Eric says. Eric told us the two ‘didn’t like each other and he was concerned one (or both) would be hurt.’ Eric must have gone to ‘The Fat Tony Wrestling Announcers Academy.’ Before the match started, guess what was next.
You’re right … another commercial. This time it was back to business as usual. We got the SoCalVal lead in to ads for the WEW Web Site, every video WEW ever made, 1Wrestling.Com and a video game.
Time for our first ever ‘Stairway … Match.’ SL got her usual warm welcome from the crowd (I counted as fast as I could and got to 55, but there had to be three or four I missed). SL returned their welcome with a few gestures you usually see when driving, or visiting New York City. They exchanged a series of punches and whips, and them the action went to the floor. After exchanging whips into the guard rail, with MM getting the better of it and then ‘gently’ sending SL back into the ring. She went under the ring and got a ladder out, but SL kicked it into MM’s face, slightly messing up her lipstick. MM pulled herself into the ring, as SL brought the ladder in, opened it and tried to reach the bat. MM recovered and hauled SL off the ladder, closed it and hit SL with it. She then leaned it up against one of the ring posts and before she could do anything, SL threw her into it. SL picked the ladder up and did a few 360’s with it, but just got dizzier then she normally is. MM grabbed the ladder and knocked
SL down with it. She then set it up in the corner again and Suplexed SL into it. MM then sat SL onto a ring post and got set to Superplex SL into the ladder. SL recovered and knocked her off the ropes. She the used a Hurricanrana to blast MM into the ladder (Ouch!). She next set the ladder across the ropes (between the middle and top ropes) diagonally in a corner. Before she could do anything, MM got back up and whipped SL into the ladder. MM then set the ladder up in the middle of the ring and got the Barbed Wired Baseball Bat. Being smarter than the average bear (tip of the cap to Yogi Bear), SL took off and tried to escape over the guard rail, with MM in hot pursuit. MM caught her and nailed her with the Bat over the head and back, and raked SL’s face with the Barbed Wire. SL was cut and bleeding on her face. Eric went into convulsions when he saw the blood. They got back into the ring and MM continued her facial assault. MM then Suplexed poor bleeding SL onto the ladder, after she closed it and laid in the middle of the ring. She put SL out of her misery and pinned her. One of WEW’s helpers (the VP?) brought a towel into the ring and covered SL’s bleeding face with it. Eric said ‘SL and MM will never be the same again, and neither will he.’ He added that ‘SL will be scarred for life.’ I can’t wait to see what she looks like next time we see her. Heck, anything will be an improvement. He then pitched WEW’s Web Site and the pictures you can only see there.
The show ended at 3:29 AM. Amazing! Tonight we had a 29 minute half-hour! Will miracles never cease. I don’t know if it was Lollipop or the blood, but I haven’t seen Grandpa move as fast as he did since Grandma caught him behind the barn where he was ‘showing Lucy Belle Sue Dudley (a very, very distant cousin) how to milk a cow.’ Grandma didn’t appreciate how he was demonstrating the proper hand-over-hand technique to get the most out of each udder. I’ve had enough of the Motel 4 and the Cockroach Races, so I bought a set of ear plug and will stay home tonight. Hopefully they’ll work and I can sleep in my own bed for a change after WEW.
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