Full Credit to Ryan Mulligan of f4wonline.com
Line of the night, courtesy of Chavo Guerrero: “It’s a symbol of death!”
Last week on “SmackDown,” Mick Foley advised Edge to channel the ghost
of Edge’s past, which resulted in the Rated R Superstar spearing Foley
head-first into the ring steps and driving him through a table with a
chairshot off a ladder, as Edge served notice that he understands what
he has to become to defeat the Undertaker in Hell in a Cell at
“SummerSlam.” This week on “SmackDown,” Edge continues to freak out in
epic fashion, Maria dresses for the Winter Olympics out of season,
Triple Hach accuses the Great Khali of being a genie and we witness
the beginning of what in all likelihood will be the greatest feud in
the history of humans.
As a result of Foley being severely injured at the hands of Edge last
week, replacing him on commentary for this week’s show is none other
than THE TAZZ!
6 Diva Olympic Tag Team Match: Divas Champion Michelle McCool, Cherry
and Maria vs. Natalya, Maryse and Victoria
The gimmick here is each diva is dressed like an Olympian, but only
one of them lives up to the gimmick, as Victoria dons gymnast attire
and takes a bump off a trampoline trying to enter the ring. McCool
(beach volleyball) starts the match with Natalya (jockey) and gets the
better of an early exchange, hitting a side Russian leg-sweep into a
floatover for two, followed by the back-flip arm-drag off the second
turnbuckle. Maria (skiing (?)) tags in blind and then she and McCool
double-shoulderblock Natalya down. Maria cinches in DEEP with a
headlock. She telegraphs a back body-drop, however, and gets kicked in
the upper torso. At this point, the match descends into chaos. Cherry
(boxing) enters the ring without being tagged and lays out Natalya
with a double-underhook DDT. Victoria one-ups her by ending her life
with a Widow’s Peak. McCool restructures Victoria’s facial features
with a boot. Maryse (tennis) tosses McCool to the outside, but Maria
bulldogs her down, at which point Natalya re-enters the fray and gets
Maria to tap out to the Sharpshooter. I guess technically they were
both still legal. Natalya makes for an awkward jockey, in any event.
Winners: Natalya, Victoria and Maryse
In the backstage area, the Edgeheads surround the prone body of a
seemingly dead Bam Neely. Chavo and Vickie enter the picture and find
a BLACK ROSE! In a hilarious touch, some unnamed geek in the
background strokes his chin, wondering “What could this mean???”
Non-Title Match: WWE Tag Team Champions Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder
vs. Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore
Quite the historic match here, it being the last in Moore’s WWE run
before he was future-endeavored. Yang and Hawkins start us off. Yang
wins that, connecting with an arm-drag, which he segues into an
arm-bar. He suplexes Hawkins, and Moore flies in with the Eddie-hilo.
Yang tags back in and hits a dropkick, but Hawkins saves his life by
only succumbing to four or five of a possible ten corner-punches. He
connects with a back-elbow as Yang comes into the corner and follows
that up with a NORTHERN LARIAT~! That should be the finish. Ryder tags
in and lays Yang out with a neckbreaker, as he becomes YOUR
redneck-in-peril. He eventually gets out of a Ryder-chinlock with a
jawjacker and makes the hot tag to Moore, who comes in with an
Aries-esque corner-dropkick on Ryder. He nails a high cross-body off
the top, but Hawkins breaks up the pin-attempt. Unfortunately,the
heels are able to succeed following a Yang-distraction of the ref and
a double impaler-DDT, which puts Moore away. Hopefully Moore can
re-ignite his feud with AJ Styles over his thievery of the “Mr. TNA”
Award. That wasn’t resolved to my satisfaction.
Winners: Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder
Eve Torres is standing by with MVP, who makes it official that he’ll
be meeting Jeff Hardy at “SummerSlam.” He starts talking about how
Hardy always hurts himself because he’s so reckless, but then Eve owns
him by showing footage from “Saturday Night’s Main Event” where MVP
cheated and hit a Drive-by kick on Hardy and cost him his match with
Edge. MVP says it’s convenient she didn’t mention Hardy attacking him
after his match against Jimmy Wang Yang last week. Come “SummerSlam,”
he won’t have to worry about beating Hardy, because, as usual, Hardy
will beat himself. A lot of WIN in this segment.
Non-Title Match: U.S. Heavyweight Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. Jeff Hardy
We open things up with a CLEAN BREAK~! Shelton gets the early
advantage, cinching in a determined headlock, before Hardy is able to
fire off a hip-toss into an arm-drag into an arm-bar. They back off
into the corner, but this time there’s no clean break, as Shelton
unleashes stomps with violent intentions. He then applies a vicious
headlock, complete with shrieking. Hardy gets out of that and hits a
mule-kick, which sends Shelton to the outside. Hardy dropkicks him
through the ropes and scores with a pescado. Back inside, he goes for
a premature Swanton Bomb, but Shelton does his magical leap of
athletic showmanship, though Hardy is able to swat him away and
continue his attempt at the move, which, of course, misses. Shelton’s
pin-attempt gets two, and we go to inopportune commercials.
We’re back, and Shelton is kneeing a downed-Hardy in the back of the
head. That’s illegal in MMA. He hooks another headlock, but Hardy gets
out of that one too and heads up for the Whisper in the Wind. Disaster
strikes, however, when Shelton takes out his legs and he takes a nasty
bump back into the ring. Shelton then begins working the left leg of
Hardy, which he initially hurt against Edge on “Saturday Night’s Main
Event.” He applies a leg-lock and later a single-leg Boston Crab. In a
neat spot, Hardy winds up on the floor, where a group of children can
be heard willing him on, and it works, as Hardy connects with a
dropkick to Shelton, as the latter comes flying off the apron. Back in
the ring, Hardy heats up with forearms aplenty, followed by a Whisper
in the Wind for two. He hits a jawjacker, but Shelton counters the
descending dropkick by catching Hardy in powerslam-position and
following through with the move for two. Shelton goes for Pay Dirt,
but Hardy avoids that and hits the Twist of Fate. He nails Shelton
with the Swanton Bomb, but before he can cover MVP runs in and hits
Hardy in the head with the Drive-by kick for the disqualification. MVP
once again poses over the lifeless body of Jeff Hardy. Awesome match,
even with the non-finish.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
In Vickie’s office, Chavo warns her that the Undertaker is behind the
black rose and the attack on Neely. Hawkins pops in to say he hasn’t
found Taker. Vickie tells him to check out the parking lot. He does!
Indian Broken Glass Arm Wrestling Contest: WWE Champion Triple H vs.
The Great Khali (with Runjin Singh)
This is a non-title affair. I don’t know that much about Indian
culture. Are broken-glass arm wrestling contests common there? I’m
going to believe so until told otherwise. Khali cuts a promo on Triple
Hach, and after The Game jokes that he didn’t understand it, Singh
translates and says Khali was warning him to get out while he still
can. Triple H has never faced Khali, he says. Where would you rank
Singh in the hierarchy of handlers? I’d say above Kim Chee, but below
Tim White. The Cerebral Assassin makes the ludicrous assertion that
Khali came out of a lamp. He says Khali’s never been in the ring with
The Game. He’s going to break his legs and he has two words for him.
In a reversal of the classic formula, it is the face, Triple H, here,
who is slow to lock up. He gets even more dastardly by prematurely
starting the contest before the ref gives the order. However, he can’t
put Khali’s arm down, and Khali fights back, mustering all of his
strength and courage. He almost gets Triple H down, but then The Game
comes back! Triple H has him nearly defeated, but then Khali headbutts
him. That’s definitely not allowed. He goes for the Khali Bomb, but
Triple H pokes his eyes to counter. He tries to Pedigree the giant,
but Khali shrugs him off into the ropes and kills him with a head-chop
of doom on the rebound. He then applies the Vice Grip. Triple H is
able to withstand it for a long time, but eventually his brains start
oozing out of his orifices. Khali stands triumphant, as Singh says
that Khali actually has two words for The Game: “Game Over!” I doubt
Khali is that clever. As bad as this match is going to be, this was a
pretty good segment to build interest in it. I mean, it’s not like
Khali offered him a goat this time.
Elsewhere, Hawkins is now laid out, with a black rose covering HIS
prone body! JR says that Ryder was laid out earlier, but I definitely
don’t remember seeing that at all. I’ll just assume he’s lying.
We get another video previewing the arrival of R. Truth. Truth waxes
philosophical about the importance of teamwork, all while he slams on
children’s heads on the basketball court. He then segues that into a
discussion of the game of life. He says that in order to play the
game, you’ve got to be in the game. The more you know.
Chavo tells Vickie that they need Edge to help them. Vickie’s all
“Hold it now, playa,” but Chavo says not to worry, because he’ll be
the one to go and talk with Edge.
Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jesse (with Festus)
Kozlov cuts a promo in Russian before the match, but is kind enough to
do his own translation: “I am undefeated. I demand better
competition.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. BISCUITS AND
GRAVY!!! Not being one who reads spoilers, I was freaking out over the
possibility of seeing Kozlov vs. Festus here. I felt like I wasn’t
ready, and thankfully the booking committee felt the same. You have to
build to something that epic. Festus freaks at the opening bell, and
Kozlov takes a powder. Jesse is able to calm him to the point that he
leaves the ring. As soon as Festus is on the outside, Kozlov KILLS
Jesse with a push-kick. He delivers a belly-to-belly throw, as Festus
gets his freak-on on the outside. Jesse is able to take out Kozlov’s
legs and hit a seated dropkick. He comes off the top attempting
something, but gets headbutted in mid-air and pinned. Festus calms
down at the sound of the bell, as Kozlov rolls out of the ring beside
him, stares at him, and walks around him to the back. EPIC~! The
entire history of the world has been building towards this feud.
Winner: Vladimir Kozlov
This week’s “Raw Rebound” features John Cena and Dave Batista engaging
in a game of “Good Friends/Better Enemies” and walking away with the
World Tag Team Titles. I can’t believe those two are fighting next
weekend. Huge embarrassing failure of a build.
Chavo tells Vickie that Edge has agreed to come see her. Vickie is
hesitant, but Chavo reminds her that this is about survival! Vickie,
in a gesture of defiance, tears apart one of the black roses.
THE Brian Kendrick (with Ezekiel) vs. Super Crazy
THE Brian Kendrick informs us that Ezekiel is his advisor and that his
full name is “Ezekiel Jackson.” For the record. Super Crazy, who’s a
little late coming over in the Draft, but still more timely than
Carlito, eats a leg lariat from THE Brian Kendrick to start the match.
THE Brian Kendrick fires away with kicks, one of which connects with
the back of Crazy’s head. Crazy misses something in the corner, and
THE Brian Kendrick applies a variation of the Camel Clutch. THE Brian
Kendrick again kicks Crazy in the head. Crazy begins to mount an
offensive, hitting a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, followed by an elevated
face-plant and a standing moonsault, but THE Brian Kendrick gets out
at two. Crazy goes up top for another moonsault, but Ezekiel
approaches him and stares him into immobility, allowing THE Brian
Kendrick to attack from behind and deliver The Kendrick to pick up the
victory. Ezekiel further destroys Crazy after the match with the
Accordion Rack. The crowd was chanting “boring” during the match,
which takes a lot of nerve when THE Brian Kendrick is in the ring.
Winner: THE Brian Kendrick
Edge, with ponytail, enters Vickie’s office, and she immediately
starts screaming at him. Edge reminds her that they’re family and says
that they have to stick together. He assures her he has a plan, and
Vickie reluctantly agrees to do as he says. Never trust a man with a
ponytail.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW HIM!!! The Rated R Superstar heads to the ring,
accompanied by Chavo and wheelchair-bound Vickie. Edge and Chavo grab
steel-chairs for protection. Edge calls out the Undertaker, even going
as far as to demand that he strike Edge down with his lightning bolts.
Edge is not intimidated by supernatural powers. However, there is no
Taker in sight. Edge stands behind Chavo and suddenly nails him in the
back with a chairshot! He sets Chavo up and delivers the Conchairto!
Meanwhile, Vickie is freaking out at a level only she can reach. Edge
corners her. He starts to shake her wheelchair, but stops himself. He
then DUMPS VICKIE OUT OF HER WHEELCHAIR! Vickie screams out in horror.
Edge says that she needs to be worried about him, not the Undertaker.
He then goes all Mankind and starts ripping his hair out. He promises
that if he’s going to hell, he’s going to pull the Undertaker down
with him. As a matter of fact, he’s going to pull La Familia down with
him too and he is especially going to take Vickie with him! The show
ends with a terrified Vickie surrounded by a deranged Edge.
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