Written by: SAMJERRY & GRANDPA DUDLEY
It’s that time again: time for WEW. Grandpa is feeling great, we have a full cooler of adult beverages and a big supply of goodies, and the show is about to begin. Before we go on, Grandpa and I have decided to skip the usual WEW horse manure – you know all the ads for their Web Site, the millions of tapes they are trying to foist off of you, the weekly video that we have decided is made in an barn by relatives of Douchebag Doopus Page, and the Belly Dance promo. Giving the show an enema and taking all that crap out will leave us with a Report just a tad longer than a list of Douchebag’s fans.
The show actually started off in the ring tonite, with the announcer saying the first match was for the WEW Heavyweight Championship, pitting Passion, accompanied by WEW General Manager Francine (who came out carrying an almost empty large bottle of vodka, looking like she had just drank all of what was missing from it). The announcer never got to say who Passion was facing for the Title. Knowing WEW, we either have no Champion, it’s Tai Killer Weed (who might be drunker than Francine), Jazz, or any other female on the planet). Passion got into the ring and ripped a promo on her opponent, ending with “I will show my teacher what she didn’t show me.” OK, if you know who Passion’s ‘teacher’ was, you don’t have wait until after we get this weeks’s video. Hell, does anyone watching even know who Passion is? Looking at Passion, I would guess her teacher was at Little Big Horn … on the losing side. She might even have been present when Mae Young was born!
The video and crap got over with and the wait was over. Passion’s opponent (and teacher) is Jazz, who is the WEW Champion. Methinks this show was taped a while ago. She was accompanied to the ring by So Cal Val (SCV). The cheap knock-off of Joey “Oh My God” Styles, Eric Gargulio, said we can all be proud of SCV, saying she has come a long way (Yeah, from the bar behind the ring), from being Francine’s assistant and go-fer, to where she is today. Today she’s in TNA (at least I think she is) and I’m sure her mother must be real proud of her. He also said she and Francine don’t like each other (Francine must not have shared her vodka with her).
The match began with Passion putting the boots to Jazz. Jazz came back and took over. The match went to the floor (Item 3.20 (c) (1) of the WEW Rule Book states: All matches must go to the floor at one point or another). Eric said if Passion wins the Title, she’ll be eligible to collect Social Security. Grandpa and I figured she has been collecting since 1926 at least. Meanwhile, Jazz was stomping Passion on the floor and pushing the guard rail about 20 feet back. They eventually got back into the ring and Passion again took command. She had Jazz set up in the corner and rushed at her. Jazz moved and Passion ate the turnbuckle. SCV and Francine were telling each other how nice they looked, or maybe that they looked like last weeks garbage. Francine wont remember a thing in the morning. Passion was wearing shorts over black stockings. Her shorts started coming down in back and her Thong Undies were showing. YUCK! Eric made a point of telling everyone about it. Grandpa said, “Damn, even Grandma Dudley looks better than that in a thong.” I felt like visiting The Porcelain Altar at the mere thought. Francine choked Jazz on the bottom rope as the ref was taking a coffee break.
Passion hit a DDT (finally a wrestling move) and went to the top turnbuckle. SCV shoved her off and she landed wrinkles first (sorry, I mean face) on Jazz’s raised boot. Jazz hit her with The J-Factor (her finishing move that is slamming her face first into the mat by her hair). She pinned Passion to retain the Title, shoved her to the floor and back to the Shady Acres Rest Home For VERY Old Wrestlers. SCV joined Jazz in the ring for a victory celebration. Eric got all gushy about Jazz and wondered who her next opponent would be. I suggest he look at tapes from a year ago to find out.
After the break to sell you their junk, we were back in the ring for the second match. It was a Tag Team Match pitting The Minnesota Home Wrecking Crew (MHWC), Rain and Lacy v. Chantelle Taylor, The Platinum Punk, and Pussy Willow from The PWO. If you recall, last time we saw Lacy, she was a fan favorite. This time both her and Rain, who are both hot according to Eric. I agree about Lacy, but Rain may have been 25 pounds ago. Grandpa agreed and he loves Lacey. I had to pull him off the TV screen. Both came out holding a drink (a gift from Francine?). There is more booze at WEW events than all the liquor stores on St. Thomas, in The Virgin Islands. Lacy spit a mouthful of drink at an ‘adoring’ fan. Eric had to tell the TV audience that it was not a nice thing to do. I can understand him saying that, after all it is broadcast in Not-So-Beautiful Upper Dudleyville, and the residents there wouldn’t know manners if they were hit over the head with some. Chantelle and Pussy Willow, who is leader of The PWO, were accompanied by PWO Members Cleopatra and Tara Burke. When they got in the ring. Pussy Willow offered Chantelle a PWO T-shirt. Membership in The PWO goes with the T-shirt. Chantelle was flattered by the offer, but turned it down. One has to wonder how smart a move that was. Chantelle started for her team and immediately took a beat down from MHWC. Somehow Pussy Willow got ‘hurt’ and was taken back to the locker room by Cleopatra and Tara, leaving Chantelle to fight MHWC by herself in a Handicap Match. Think rejecting the T-shirt might have something to do with Pussy Willow getting ‘hurt’ and leaving? Nah, purely a coincidence. Oh well, the hot girls left, Grandpa was devastated. I wasn’t exactly doing cartwheels either.
Back to the match where Chantelle was getting her booty kicked by both of the MHWC. She came back, hitting them both with a Clothesline and almost pinned Lacy. Lacy got up and threw Chantelle into the ropes, where Rain held her. Lacy charged in, and unless you were absent from Wrestling 101 that day, you know what’s coming. Chantelle moved out of the way and Lacy smashed into Rain, knocking her to the floor. I think she landed in a pool of state beer. After Lacy expressed her complete surprise, she got back to business. Chantelle was still stunned and Lacy pinned her after a boot to the face.
As always, the show ended at 3:28 AM, leaving us to wonder what happens to the other two minutes. Grandpa didn’t wonder a second as he tore up the steps to his room. I had to watch TV for another hour until the noise from Grandpa and Grandma’s room died down. The old guy has still got it. If he keeps it, he may be back in the hospital real soon. Pray for Grandma. Not a typo.
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