Written by: SAMJERRY & GRANDPA DUDLEY
It was another early Sunday morning in Beautiful Downtown Lower Dudley. The wind was blowing towards Not-So-Beautiful Upper Dudleyville, so there was no stench during the night. On nights when the winds blows from N-S-B UD, the plants and any animals left out here die, and the paint peels off the walls. If you happen to have a barrel of recently made adult beverage out, you’ll be going thirsty.
Time to watch WEW, with Grandpa still under last weeks strict orders from Grandma Dudley, that he had to leave the room if any of WEW’s ‘finer’ talents appeared. We opened with Hardcore Hobo in the locker room searching high and low for something to eat. She found a half eaten burger in the trash, but before she had a chance at her delicious meal, Pryme Tyme Amy Lee burst in and slammed her against the lockers. She demanded to know what Hobo had done with her Harley. You may recall that Amy Lee is a small building with legs who wrestles in WEW. She told Hobo she knew it was her who stole her Harley and said to get it up. Hobo offered to regurgitate the meal she ate in trade for the motorcycle. Amy wretched and said she would be taking it out in the ring in a No Holds Barred, Falls Count Anywhere (except N-S-B UD, as neither had a gas mask) Match.
We saw the usual opening video by a band whose members their own families deny they know. It contained scenes from the most recent WEW PPV, Locker Room Lust, intermixed with hotties almost wearing bathing suits. Grandpa almost passed out when the shots came on and I immediately sent him to the kitchen to get a few adult beverages. He barely made it to the door, poor old guy.
The match between Hardcore Hobo and Amy Lee was next up. Hobo came out holding a sign, “Motorcycle For Food – No Money.” I think it was almost spelled correctly; it was hard to read some of the letters with ketchup and other goodies covering them. Amy followed her out and blasted her with a Kendo Stick. She smacked and jabbed her in the rear end so many times, I thought she was try to turn her into a Hobo-Sickle. She did a number on her with the usual garbage can and lid, and the ref, who was wearing hot pants that just about showed what she had for dinner, finally got them into the ring. This was only after Amy threatened to kick the crap out of everyone (all 68) in the building. Most backed away in absolute fear that she would jump the rail and turn them into dog food. Amy continued her domination over Hobo for most of the match. Hobo came back with a few garbage can shots of her own. It was like swatting an elephant (a species who are a close relative of Amy Lee). Amy got tired of playing with Hobo and decided to put her out of her misery. She put a Camel Toe Clutch on Hobo and got a quick tap out. She didn’t release the hold for a few minutes, and the ref was a bit too smart to
put her hands on any floor of Amy’s. I think it’s safe to say Grandpa was safe to watch these two
‘beauties.’
After the usual commercials, including the Belly Dance lesson, we went to our second match. It pitted Bobbie Jo Dollar III (yup, her again) against Chrystal “The Diva”Carmichael, who just happens to be the Belly Dance student. Announcer Eric Garguilo said that both were in line for the vacant Executive Assistant job, and a win would go a long way towards getting it. Eric said Bobbie “had another name in a former life,” but it was unintelligible. He added that she might earn another WEW Heavyweight Title Match if she won tonight. He also said she recently came into all kinds of money and has been spreading it around to all the WEW brass. Prior to the match Bobbie whispered something into the ref’s ear and shook his hand. This is the famous “Old Slow Count” from last week. During the match he lived up to his name as The Diva went for a pin. Finally, Bobbie nailed The Bottom Dollar, which looks eerily like a Perfect Plex. The count was faster than a speeding bullet, giving Bobbie the win. After the match, she pulled a roll of money out from under her bathing suit and after spreading them out for the world to see, handed them to Old Slow Count. This put Eric into a complete lather, accusing them of collusion. We all know stuff like that never happens.
More ads for the Web Site and videos. This was followed by promos from Talia Madison (Exit Grandpa, double time all the way), who is one of the resident hotties, and Mercedes Martinez, who is not. Talia, who looked totally different in the promo and when she came out (?) said she had a surprise manager. Mercedes said surprise her a*s, she could care less and would teach Talia a lesson. Mercedes came out and circled the ring, hugging the same guys all the wrestlers seem to. Talia came out, followed by her ‘surprise manager, Tammy Lynn Sytch, who looked like hell. She seemed to be in a daze, as well as quite ‘buxom.’ It really is a shame to see her in that shape. She was accompanied by Nick Berk, who was shirtless and built like a brick out house. Talia and Nick held Tammy’s hands as they went to the ring. Eric said Talia was ‘quite the athlete, having run cross-country in high school, been a cheerleader (major surprise) and played collegiate softball. She also had been a WEW Tag Team Champion, along with her sister, Tiffany Madison. As I think about it, The Madison’s were very similar to the TNA tag team, The Beautiful People, Velvet Sky and her partner (whose name escapes me). They may not be the same people. but TNA has signed ODB and So Cal Val from WEW, so who knows. As I said above, Grandpa was banned from the room from the time Talia did her promo, and will be again next week as the dreaded “Continued Next Week” appeared on the screen and the half hour program closed right on time at 3:28 AM.
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