BY JERRY AND GRANDPA DUDLEY
It seems that about 1,374 people write about RAW, SmackDown and ECW, and at least 6 or 7 about TNA ( (according to Grandpa – Hey, I may be dumb, but I aint stupid enough to question him). That being the case, we thought you might like to read a few words about WEW (Women’s Extreme Wrestling). Today’s Article will tell you a little about WEW. In the future, we hope to give you a weekly report on their antics.
WEW has a weekly half-hour program, usually taped in Philadelphia, PA. Here in Dudleyville it is on at 3 AM Monday morning and repeated at 3 AM Thursday morning. Either it is on for vampires, it’s ratings are lower than Douchebag Dumfuk Page’s popularity or for those who just got home after last call. If nothing else, the program is consistent in how it’s presented. You can take it to The Emperor’s Bank that it will go like this:
1. A minute or two of promos by two of the femmes that will be wrestling on the show, shot either
inside the hall of the gin mill the show is taped at, a beach or a pool …. for reasons that will
become clear in case you need remedial help.
2. A seven minute video by a band that even they themselves haven’t heard of. The video part will
include snippets from the most recent PPV that WEW (Women’s Exotic Wresting) held. For the
same people that needed help in No. 1 above, note that the name of the changes for the PPV’s.
3. A match between the two who taped the opening promos, in which case it will most likely be the
only on the show. Otherwise there will be two matches.
4. If there are two matches, the first one will be short. It will be followed by a pitch for the WEW
Web Site, tapes of the most recent PPV and every PPV WEW did since Noah built his Ark. The
name of the most recent one was ‘Ring Sex’ (or something close to that). It seems that very PPV is
named so every kid with a Playboy under his mattress will be panting to buy it … despite the
disclaimer that you must be 18 years old to make the purchase.
5. This will be followed by a promo to visit the Web Site (again), with the wrestler whose game is
Belly Dancer. She will be joined by a skimpily dressed wrestler and teach her to Belly Dance.
They do a few hip rolls, bootie shakes, and close by shaking their 36 DDD’s (natural of course).
6. Back to the completion of the first match, or the Main Event, featuring the bimbos … my bad,
‘wrestlers’ who did the opening promos. This match will be completed about 60% of the time, or it
will end the show with a “To be continued” next week.
7. Somewhere during this match, there will be the same promos for the Web Site, however, this time
the lead in will be an attractive young lady lying on the floor. I wont say she’s ‘suggestive’, but I
suspect most of the young lads in No. 6 above are taking a break at this point.
8. The program will end at 3:28 AM. Note the half-hour is a bit short, but you can set your watches
by it.
At this time Grandpa is ready for bed … and Grandma. The old boy still has it, but I’m not all that sure about Grandma. He also watches the rerun and I think he has a secret stash of every show WEW ever did.
The people on the show include some you see elsewhere. This includes ODB (Old Dirty Broad – and she sure is), So Cal Val, Jazz (who calls herself ‘The Bitch’ – and she is). General Mangers change as often as the ‘wrestlers’ change their bras. The current GM is Bill Alfonso, who managed the tag team of RVD ) and Sabu in the original ECW. He replaced Francine, The Queen of Extreme, who was also an ECW original. You may recall that when ECW was bought by the WWE, she crossed paths with The
Emperor backstage at RAW. He wanted to know “Who the hell is that bimbo,” or something close to that. The best way to describe Francine is if she walked into a wall, then stretched her arms straight out, they’d never touch the wall. Again for those in No. 2 above, she’s about 5’9 (in her six inch spiked heels) and weighs about 120 pounds. You can do the math.
The current WEW ‘Heavyweight’ Champion is Tai Killer Weed (at least I think she is – she has held the title more times than Custer had Native Americans). Other regulars include a Nurse (I wonder why), The Nacho Man’s old valet (who I think is also employed as an ‘actress’ in Gentlemen’s films in Hollywood), Pussywillow, leader of The PWO, however she changes her name rather often (Bobcat) on the most recent show). Naturally she is accompanied by the rest of the PWO, who by the way, Nacho’s Girl is part of when she’s there. Never have figured out what the ‘P’ stands for. The also have one rather large young lady (250 pounds is Grandpa’s estimate) named Amy Lee, who is a Biker.
The referees wear uniforms that match the motif of the show. The one exception is Stevie Wonder, who is blind. He wanders around the ring blindly, using touch to know who and where in the ring the action is. He has grabbed more bootie and plastic enhancements than the crew of the USS Enterprise on Saturday night shore leave. The play-by-play guy (Eric something or other) is a Joey “Oh My God” Styles rip off. He is so loud and with the distractions in the ring, I have never gotten his whole name.
The ‘wrestlers’ use many of the usual holds, like The School Girl Roll Up, prompting Eric to yell “School Girl, School Girl …” That is so damn annoying that I have to physically restrain Grandpa from calling Cousin Guido Dudley and asking pay him to pay Eric a visit. As an aside, Cousin Guido raises horses in Beautiful Downtown Lower Dudleyville. The Hair Mare is another common hold, and of course, the Bootie Bump and/or Bootie Rub. Many in the ‘crowd’ at the taping would love to be the recipient of that move(s), as would most viewers. Naturally the Crossed Arm Salute is used by ODB and other ‘heel-ettes’? to respond to crowd taunts.
A few words about the ‘crowd’. There are two, three and sometimes four rows of seats, depending on whether it’s Free Beer Night. Many of the same drunks are there every week. Tai Killer Weed, a fan favorite, wears chaps and is usually three sheets to the wind when she comes out, carrying a quarter-full bottle of bottom shelf spirits. I think it’s aged about three hours … in a barrel purchased at Douchebag’s recent lawn sale. Speaking of the Entrance Way, it’s an ultra modern set of steps the girls walk down, coming through very sheik drapery. I imagine the walk up on the other side of the curtain is similar. Many matches go out into the crowd, where a couple of very large security guards make room, and keep the fans from greeting the girls up-close-and-personal. Many of the girls circle the ring as they enter and often kiss or hug the fans. A few of the same fans are thusly greeted on every show. Need I say there is no reason to paper the house or close off an area so the viewers can’t see empty seats?
Now you have idea what WEW is all about. For some strange reason, none of their PPV’s are shown here in BDLD. Not to worry, Grandpa uses the phone over at Cousin Ellen Mae Rae’s house to order their tapes. Grandma swears he is dipping into his IRA to buy them. Time for me to get to bed. The noise from Grandma and Grandpa’s room has finally stopped. I swear the old guy is a walking Viagra ad … but he says he “damn well don’t need ‘no city slickers’ pills.” With Grandpa’s help, I’ll be letting you know the happenings in WEW. Grandma keeps swearing she’s going to sleep over at Cousin Ellen Mae Rae’s the night’s WEW is on. Grandpa says “HELL NO!” Aint no way I’m going to involved in that scrap, even though Grandpa keeps telling me to ‘speak up,’ that he’s right. Side with Grandma and I need to hide Grandpa’s Squirrel Gun; Side with Grandpa and it’s Bologna sandwiches for dinner.
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