Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow the one and only Phantom Lord and this is the all mighty Rant Of The Week. As always I am coming to you from my bunker in the urban hell hole that is Brooklyn, New York and for the most part we survived the heat wave that baked the city this week. The weather is really screwy in general if you think about it. Right now the Midwest is getting more rain and water then they can ever handle. Just more proof that Mother Nature is really ticked off with us.
Well this week the column is chock full of news and opinion from the world that is wrestling.
But before I get to that, I must say I just got Fire Pro Wrestling Returns and despite it’s grappling and fighting system that I am loving the depth of this game. I wish I had the time and patience to go really in depth like some people do with the game, but for now its real fun as is. I enjoy the Gruesome Fighting mode which is basically an MMA match in an Octagon. I’m not too big on real MMA, but being able to do an MMA match between say Dory Funk Jr. and Abdullah The Butcher is all kinds of fun. But like I said I’m still getting a fix on the whole grappling system of the game. Once I finally get it down right I’ll be having fun with the barbwire, landmine, and steel cage matches.
The funny thing is, as infuriating as the grappling system is in FPWR it’s still light years better then the one for Smackdown vs. RAW 2008.
So yeah if you don’t have Fire Pro, go get it. You can’t go wrong with a game like this and it’s only like $20 in most stores.
Moving along, I have a lot to get to with the draft as it was the most confusing and hilarious thing I’ve seen the WWE do in ages. The looks of disgust, confusion, and out right anger were great to watch. But with the Million Dollar Mania thing not working, desperate times called for desperate measures.
According to the old WWE Creative threat level chart, we are at threat level orange right now. It would have been red, but the ratings were way up this week so that brought it down a notch. We were at yellow when they started the Million Dollar Mania give away, but now after the events of Monday night where a giant billboard fell on top of Vince McMahon at the end of RAW, we’re at Orange.
Now don’t get me wrong, I actually thought it was pulled off rather well. I mean to be honest I was shocked while watching it just because I didn’t know what the hell was going on (well going on in the sense of what were they thinking).
See when it came to this draft, I’m convinced they just were throwing darts at a huge cork board and who ever it landed on is where they went. So obviously considering how random the draft picks were they needed something to keep people talking. Vince blew himself up once again. Of course unlike last year he’s seemingly only paralyzed and not presumed dead.
There’s a lot of discussion on the interweb about this as people are divided over it being offensive to it being stupid. The offensive part was they just happened to do all of this on the anniversary of the whole Benoit thing. There are also those who feel the WWE took a shot of sorts at TNA by doing this a mere two weeks after a TNA Crew member died in a tragic scaffold collapse. While both camps have valid points about the timing of all of this, I’m in the camp where I thought it was pretty funny in its randomness. I mean the only reason it was done was so they could have an out to the Million Dollar Mania contest.
It should be interesting to see how this goes as we try to find out who was responsible.
Was it Vince’s long lost son that they forgot about?
Was it the Ghost of Chris Benoit?
Was it The Macho Man Randy Savage because once again he was shafted for the Hall Of Fame (I’d mark out for that personally)?
In the end it will probably be something lame like Rikishi being the one who ran over Stone Cold. It will be months and months of who dun it only to find out it was Paul London doing it for the cruiserweights who can’t do flippy moves. But as long as we get crazy Vince in a wheel chair I at least can look past any lack of direction or conclusion it might have.
I will hand it to the WWE’s crew though. They always go all out with the special effects for an insane stunt. But if you want a good laugh, watch the original video of the whole segment and keep an eye on the bottom of the billboard. You’ll see the hinges holding it up release a second before it tips over. I didn’t notice it at first, but when I saw the replay I cracked up for some reason. I still can’t figure out how Vince is supposed to be crippled though. Perhaps if the stage wasn’t there, I’d buy it falling onto him and paralyzing him. But since the stage was holding the sign up and he was clearly out of the danger zone when he ducked as it fell it makes you wonder.
Ah well like I said if we get crazy Vince in a wheelchair I’ll be happy. If he were still bald he could totally pull off an evil Professor Xavier gimmick.
Before all of this happened, there was the draft and as I said it’s pretty clear they didn’t put much thought into who went to what show (well except for Triple H). The draft always has been and always will be who can benefit RAW and the scraps go to those other shows.
For those of you who don’t know the full results, here they are (this includes the Wednesday Supplemental leftover’s draft)
To Raw:
Rey Mysterio (from Smackdown)
Batista (from Smackdown)
Kane (from ECW)
CM Punk (from ECW)
Michael Cole (from Smackdown)
Jamie Noble (from Smackdown)
Deuce (from Smackdown)
Chuck Palumbo (from Smackdown)
Matt Striker (from ECW)
Layla (from ECW)
Kofi Kingston (from ECW)
To Smackdown:
Jeff Hardy (from Raw)
Umaga (from Raw)
Triple H (from Raw)
Mr. Kennedy (from Raw)
Jim Ross (from Raw)
Trevor Murdoch (from Raw)
Big Daddy V (from ECW)
DH Smith (from Raw)
Brian Kendrick (from Raw)
Maria (from Raw)
Shelton Benjamin (from ECW)
Carlito (from Raw)
To ECW:
Matt Hardy (from Smackdown)
Mark Henry (from Smackdown)
Hornswoggle (from Smackdown)
Super Crazy (from Raw)
Finlay (from Smackdown)
ECW got raped and pillaged in the draft losing two of their biggest draws in Kane and CM Punk and their biggest future star in Kofi Kingston. They gained Matt Hardy and the US Title but still it was pretty bad. ECW’s ratings are all ready down the crapper so it should be fun to see how bad they are come this Tuesday now that their two biggest stars are gone. Honestly after CM Punk was draft I was like they just blew the back of ECW’s collective head off. Kane being sent to RAW was basically another shot just to add insult to injury. Sort of like from Goodfellas where they shoot Tommy in the face so his mother couldn’t have an open casket at the wake and funeral.
Smackdown obviously made out much better then ECW as evident by their draft picks. The big story here is with Smackdown moving to My Network TV (pretty much every old UPN station) there is talk that it needs star power for the ratings.
When it comes to My Network TV, the vast majority of those stations are on UHF frequencies. So really the only thing competing with it is snow, Fox, and a local low budget channel.
The biggest draft surprises for Smackdown were Jim Ross and Triple H. Only one of them knew of his impending move and it wasn’t the man in the black resistol hat.
The decision to move Triple H to Smackdown was not recently made. With Smackdown moving to MyNetwork, the decision was made to feature The Undertaker and Triple H as the show’s top stars. Triple H cut a promo for Smackdown in late April spitting water and saying, “You’re watching Friday Night Smackdown right here on MyNetwork TV.”
Credit: Wrestling Observer
I find it funny that Triple H was the only one told where he was going. You had guys like Batista, Rey Mysterio, The Hardy’s, Kane, and CM Punk all in the dark. I don’t know if it’s just because of the rampant paranoia that is in Titan Tower or what but the least you can do for your some what big name stars is at least tell them where they will be going so they have some time to change schedules and stuff.
The funniest part about Triple H’s move to Smackdown is when Vince was screaming PAUL…PAUL…MY LEGS I CAN’T FEEL THEM, when he and JR had the big fight after the show he said he jeopardized Triple H’s career by sending him to Smackdown. The truth of the matter is, Smackdown will actually be beneficial for Triple H as he’ll have more time to spend with his now growing family.
One move to Smackdown I did find funny though was Carlito going to Smackdown. I must be in the extreme minority, but I think there’s so much potential for him but for what ever reason (either his own or incompetent people in the WWE) he has not reached it. But after his tirade at a press conference where he went off on Triple H, I find it funny they are both on the same show again.
My friend Ed a.k.a. IWC legend Dumass had this to say about the whole matter over on Lethal Wrestling’s message board.
I find it it funny that, with all the heat I’ve been reading about Carlito and HHH, they’re both going to Smackdown.
Triple H is just moving that glass ceiling from one office to another.
Truer words have never been spoken as its all ready started with him cleaning house at the end of Smackdown the other night and retaining his WWE Championship last night at Night Of Champions.
I’d really wish I could be in one of those meetings. I’d love to see the reasoning they had to keep the WWE Championship on Triple H and Smackdown. I mean if there were ever a time for him to you know lose it, it would be at this Night of Champions PPV.
There was a rumor going around that CM Punk would cash in his MITB case and take the World Title to RAW but that didn’t happen. I’m pretty sure if that rumor was true then you know Triple H did his darndest to make sure he wasn’t the one losing his belt.
Now RAW as mentioned before made out like bandits because as I said the real goal of the draft is to keep RAW fresh above everything else. But it makes you wonder what the hell they are going to do with no World or WWE champion on the show at the moment.
Right now the only singles champion is Kofi Kingston who won the Intercontinental Championship in an upset when HBK interfered in his match against Chris Jericho. I would assume that on RAW that something would happen. Maybe a rematch with Cena and Triple H with run in’s galore this way Triple H can drop the title with out looking weak in the process.
Honestly as I said I think its just more proof that they didn’t plan any of this out. If they did plan any of this out then they should all be fired if this is the absolute best they could come up with. I know the “who blew up Vince” angle will be top priority, but my God how can you do such a random draft and then a week later have a PPV where your top show is left with out a top champion. It’s almost WCWesq in it’s level of stupidity.
Finally we come to ECW and well as of right now, ECW is dead to me.
I along with the other long suffering ECW fans have put up with a lot. We’ve dealt with “Vince’s vision” and Paul Heyman being run out of the WWE, and the originals being hired and fired one by one. But after tonight I am done. It doesn’t matter what they do because ECW is dead to me.
Now you ask what could have made me reach my breaking point as a fan?
I said on the WWE Fan Nation message board if he won that ECW was dead to me and well he won so ECW now dead to me.
There isn’t enough Nexium to even begin to deal with this one. I have a theory as to why Mark Henry is now ECW World Champion…(oh there goes the ulcer).
We all know about the Michael Hayes incident. Well I think (and I’m not the only one) that the only reason Mark Henry is getting yet another push and now this title run is because it’s the WWE’s way of making nice with him over what Hayes did.
Now we know no one would ever publicly admit to something like that, but what other reason is there. The made the stupid decision to put Kane back on RAW and thus back themselves into a corner. Of course having a razor thin roster to begin with doesn’t leave you many options when one is in this situation. All I know is, with ratings tanking and the show becoming a joke with each passing week Mark Henry is not the man you want carrying the ball.
But hey what do I know. I’m just a lowly fan after all.
The only thing that I feel bad about in having ECW dead to me and all is I feel sorry for Tommy Dreamer. Tommy has always been one of my favorites and it pains me greatly to see him essentially be a jobber. Tommy can do so much good still and I think if anyone on that razor slim roster deserves a push it’s him.
Personally I’m still pissed from last year when he won the mini tournament for a shot at the ECW Title only to be fucked over a minute later when they decided to give it to Big Daddy V instead (and look how well that worked out for them). Much like Mark Henry, how the hell has Mabel of all people managed to stay employed with the WWE for so long? I hope when he comes back they are least have him put a shirt back on. A man that sized lathered up in baby oil is not exactly a pleasant site.
But back to Tommy, in his An Original Thought column on the WWE fan site he said in two weeks he’s gonna lay it all on the line and tell it like it is when it comes to ECW and it’s current state.
Tommy I hope what ever you say is the gospel’s truth. But as long as Mark Henry is champion, ECW is dead to me.
Before I go it just wouldn’t be a column unless I got in a few jabs at TNA. Aside from the fact that they have managed to make Samoa Joe look completely weak and inept as World Champion, things haven’t been toooo bad with them lately. Oh it’s still got plenty of Russorific stuff, but the entire AJ Styles/Kurt Angle feud and saga has been excellently done.
But where there is good there is always bad and we come to the case of Moose a.k.a Mickie Knuckles. Mickie is by far one of the toughest (or dumbest depending on your POV) women in wrestling. She can take a hell of a beating and dish one back. So when TNA decided to bring her in of course they decided to strip away anything her character had and had her named Moose.
On this past Impact they had her in a Bimbo Brawl against ODB (who btw TNA missed the fucking boat on) and I know her who thing is she’s not glamorous, but I swear to God when she came out Mickie looked like she had just stepped right out of a meth den.
But the wild hair and I’m going to Wal Mart at 3AM for so some smokes look aside, a couple days before at one of IWA Mid South’s Queen of the Death Match tournaments in front of 20 people for the hell of it deals she got stiffed by some in experienced guy who thought he was hot shit.
The ensuing beating from Mickie and others in the locker room is now being called Mass Transit 08 and is actually going to be a selling point for the dvd of the event when it comes out. I just have to wonder with Mickie now under TNA contract how much longer will she be allowed to do these stupid death matches.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy watching death matches. But after a while they get boring especially when they are for the hell of it. Mickie is someone new and fresh that can add more depth to the Knockouts division so I can’t see TNA allowing her to take light tube bumps anymore unless Ian Rotten was able to sweet talk his way into letting her keep do that stuff.
Maybe Ian can work out a deal with them and give TNA the number of the guy he gets his weapons from for his gimmick matches. If you saw Impact and the Glass table spot with Christian and Team 3D then you know they need to find someone better then the prop guy at Universal with a router saw and some candy glass. Words of advice though, next time don’t have the medic come out with a towel with fake blood on it all ready. That was quite a funny moment when TNA’s crack production team let that one slip by into the show.
On that note I am done for this week. I hope to be back next week but at this rate who the hell knows anymore. This column should be called “The Rant of once in a blue moon” more then of the week.
Here in the States the 4th of July is this week. In the words of the Indian clerk on The Simpsons who sold Homer the massive M-380 “Celebrate the birth of your country by blowing up a small part of it”.
I don’t mean that literally. Basically lets all enjoy the up coming 4th and hope it’s a good one.
Until next time remember someone has to give you this information and it DAMN well has got to be me.
You can click here to send me any and all feedback at phantomlordnyc@yahoo.com.
