So here I am, less than one week in Korea and I already have my permanent quarters, my Internet service, and a loaner TV until my real one arrives. There are 10 unique Armed Forces Network (AFN) channels that offer American programming, and it turns out they broadcast all three weekly WWE shows on AFN Xtra, plus all 12 annual pay-per-views free of charge. Saturday night from 7-10 pm they air last Tuesday’s ECW and last night’s SmackDown back-to-back. That’s right, a three-hour block of WWE; it’s a daunting task, but I’ll see if I can get through it, just this once, for your reading pleasure.
TODAY’S ISSUE: WWE on AFN
Although I haven’t watched “sportz entertainment” promotions like WWE and TNA for the better part of the past year (I now exclusively watch true professional wrestling companies like Ring of Honor), I couldn’t resist taking a peek at WWE from across the Pacific. Here are my thoughts about the bottom two of WWE’s three weekly offerings.
ECW
The youngest WWE “brand” has a new opening montage and set since I last tuned in. I assume the set debuted when they went HD. It looks good! Why the hell is Mike Adamle the play-by-play man? He’s terrible! Here’s a good news/bad news situation: The good news is that Matt Sydal, a talented guy whose work I enjoy, is in the bigs. The bad news is, he’s sure to be treated like an idiot before too long. I’m not sure why they changed his name to “Evan Bourne” unless Vince is planning some sort of Bourne Identity storyline, which I wouldn’t put past him, but the guy was on television at two different times in two different companies (TNA and WSX), plus on ROH ppv, as Matt Sydal. Does Vince think we don’t recognize him? Well, many WWE fans probably don’t venture into uncharted waters, so that might be a safe assumption on his part.
Mike Knox looks like Grizzly Adams on the Big Show’s old diet. Man, has he been hitting those bacon double cheeseburgers and ice cream sundaes. This Kofi dude was just debuting last time I watched WWE and I have to say he’s pretty flashy. His aerial stuff ain’t half bad, but Adamle calling what he does “leg-kicks” would only be accurate if he kicked his opponents in the leg. When you kick somebody above the waist, it’s a “kick to the mid-section” or a “kick to the head”, not a “leg-kick”. That reminds me of Michael Cole calling a body-scissors a “leg-scissors”, which would only be the case if the guy on offense wrapped his legs around his opponent’s legs and squeezed.
Even with his goofy new moniker, I was stoked to see Sydal get the win. Maybe they’ll push him in the Cruiserweight Divis… oh, wait. Didn’t the leprechaun retire that belt? Sure, because it could have led to several smaller, talented athletes entertaining fans with good wrestling matches. Heaven knows Vince wouldn’t like that very much at all.
Teddy Long is the GM of ECW? What happened? And now Armando Estrada is a wrestler. Ok, good for him, I look forward to seeing what he can do. There’s yet another bland, blonde backstage chick with nothing between her ears named Tiffany. They turn those gals over pretty quickly these days…
They just mentioned the “SmackDown Divas Championship”. So now there are two distinct women’s divisions in WWE, and the bookers don’t even know how to handle one. Ducky. Speaking of which, they’ve named Nattie Neidhart “Natalia”. Have they acknowledged who she is? I hope so; it’d be foolish not to. Still speaking of the ladies, I see Victoria is still as vicious and ruthless as ever – cool.
Obviously Vince doesn’t think the midget joke is old yet, but the RAW highlights of him giving away money verify that Vince has been telling the same jokes forever: Mae Young getting freaky, Jillian Hall’s bad singing, and Ron Simmons saying “damn” were old when I quit watching, and they aren’t any funnier now. I really wonder what goes on in that head of McMahon’s sometimes.
So if they are trying to make Estrada a wrestler now, why did they triple-squash him like that? He’s not gonna get any sympathy heat, so it doesn’t make sense. Oh good, another battle of the bulls in Show versus Henry. Vince does love his big men, doesn’t he? And Show’s facing Kane at the ppv? Man, they worked that match to death a few years ago, but I’m sure two dynamic in-ring workers like these can put together another mat classic for the ages.
Speaking of Kane, he and Mike Knox have been having lunch together lately, it would seem. I guess a lot of the boys are getting off the juice due to this wellness thing, and if so, great. I’d rather them a little chubby and a lot healthier than looking like Greek gods but tearing tendons all the time and acting psychotic.
Wow. I’m quite surprised to see Miz and Morrison still have the SmackDown tag belts. That’s a very long reign in the current landscape. Miz is nowhere, but Morrison has the goods: athleticism, agility, great cocky heel persona, some innovative offense, and a good look (and he’s obviously chemical free – wink, wink). Morrison needs another singles run. The ECW title seemed a perfect fit for him once, and I think he’d benefit from more singles work with top contenders like, um… hmm. Who are the top contenders in ECW?
I’m happy to see that CM Punk is still the man. WWE conditioning hasn’t ruined him yet. The main event tag match was boring when Kane was in, but Punk made it fun enough to watch. I will say the one-hour format makes ECW a brisk little show, and with the way SmackDown dragged, they could lose 30 minutes each week without missing a beat. Speaking of which…
SmackDown!
How cute, AFN put up a warning “this program may be unsuitable for children under 14”. Actually, it’s unsuitable for wrestling fans of ALL ages because of how badly it sucks. But this was my first time hearing Foley as color commentator, and he was terrific, so that’s a plus. They started with the same tired, overdone, hackneyed crap all WWE shows seem to start with, a boring promo segment to set up the rest of the show. Yay.
I see Finlay’s getting a lot of TV time lately. That’s good for him, good for WWE fans, and terrific for whichever young up-and-comer he’s giving some OJT to. The tag team match was yet another in the long line of unsatisfying finishes, this one the old distraction and roll-up. Wow, how exciting.
In another wonderful commentary choice, Michael Cole said the match for Batista was “literally do or die”. Well he doesn’t know the meaning of the word “literally”, because literally do or die would mean Batista would be KILLED if he lost to Khali, and although Khali might stink up the ring, I doubt he’s likely to end the Animal’s life.
Hey, here’s a great idea: Let’s do ANOTHER wrestling wedding on TV! That will draw ‘em like flies! Edge and Vickie Guerrero are about to become the next in the long line of silly wrestling weddings, and I know their nuptials will go off without a hitch with nobody interfering on their special day. I can’t wait! I wonder what I should get them as a gift…
And here’s another bland, brunette bubble-head backstage. Why do they go through them so quickly? Talk about boring, we’re 52 minutes in and nothing good has happened yet. And now 61 minutes of the show have expired; just over halfway home I’m still waiting for something, anything entertaining to happen.
In the MVP/CM Punk match, Porter had to get Punk off the top rope, but of all the ways to accomplish this, dropkicking the ropes had to be the absolute worst option. What a ridiculous choice – save the dropkicks for your opponents, MVP. Next time just place both hands on the rope and shake it back and forth real quick, and your attacker will fall and crotch himself on the top turnbuckle, I promise.
As my boredom countdown continues, we’re now 90 minutes in, and nothing is really happening. How bizarre! Don’t they have a ppv to hype or something? All they’re hyping is the Batista/Khali match for later on, and you know THAT one will be a mat classic. Hey, Russo must have sent in some ideas, because Deuce and Domino are about to feud, and nobody loves breaking up a tag team more than Vinny Ru.
The main event was lackluster and predictable, but I did love one thing about it: the ending. I’m not saying the match finish was good, I just loved that it ended because it meant my little experiment was over. Man, I know SmackDown has never been the top show despite all of JBL’s ranting to the contrary, but there was literally nothing going on there, for two hours. I’m just not sure how that can happen. Between all the flashbacks to the real A show, the lame backstage ranting, and the limited in-ring goodness, it was a true chore to watch SmackDown, even after a long hiatus.
So watching WWE on AFN didn’t help the product in my eyes whatsoever; I’m not sure I could ever get homesick enough to enjoy that level of plodding, boring garbage. ECW was fair, and I’ll check out the occasional ppv since they’re free here, but I certainly won’t be back to watch SmackDown in a long time. Maybe I’ll give RAW a looksee next week. I think it airs on Tuesday nights in Korea…
Vin Sanity is not categorized as a psychological disorder… yet.
p.s. – “ There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.” – Christopher Morley
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