By Dr. Keith Lipinski via the text messaging capabilities of Mike Sempervive
Dr. Keith Lipinski is at the Amway Arena in Orlando, Florida. The good doctor is spending the final night of his Ultimate Kayfabulous Dream Geek Weekend Adventure that saw him taking in WrestleMania XXIV, a TNA Impact taping, two nights of Ring of Honor, an entertaining edition of Meet The Writer featuring Derek Burgan against a mildly-retarded young man, tonight’s Monday Night Raw, and most importantly – a taping of internet video streaming sensation HEAT.
The arena filled up pretty nicely for the show, with lots of WHOOO chants. Heat is sponsored by WWE Shop Zone, which features a new inflatable Mr. Kennedy mic for only five dollars. You would ask yourself, who would buy this crap? Well, for my birthday one year, Keith sent me a brown foam WCW Bash Brick and a wall hanging of Brutus The Barber Beefcake from 1988. So that’s who would buy this crap.
1. Kofi Kingston defeats Kenny Dykstra in a inter-brand battle of men whose careers are going in two drastically different directions. Dykstra beat on Kofi for most of the match, before the crowd broke out into a Kofi chant. Kingston hit his Jamaican Me Crazy jumping double legdrop thing, followed by his buzzsaw kick to get the win.
2. Gene Snitsky defeated local wrestler J.T. Flash. With a new goatee, but the same level of performance, Snitsky quickly got the win with the pumphandle slam.
3. Paul Burchill defeated Val Venis – whose Titan Tron has had a longer tenure that most of the current roster. Burchill, along with Katie Lea, won with the curb stomp. Outside of the 30 British fans (they had to be) trying for a “Let’s go Burchill” chant, crowd was “awkwardly silent.”
4. The Masked Charlie Haas defeated the Every Day I’m A Little Closer to Super Porky Crazy. Haas used his non-wacky, non-Lucha submissions on Crazy, before being unmasked. FOUL~! But it was for the best, as he used the Haas of Pain submission. Haas then re-masked and walked to the back, where it failed to prevent those around him from thinking about a career that could have been. A few good breaks and it could have been he doing a somersault off a ladder, back first, onto another ladder, from 15 feet in the air.
5. D.H. Smith, now known as the CANADIAN BULLDOG, defeated Hacksaw Jim Duggan. It was a long match with lots of stalling, and Harry in the role of villain. He rolled up Duggan for the win, with both feet on the ropes. Afterwards, Duggan went to chase Smith up the ramp, but tired, and walked the rest of the way.
By the time that Raw started, the crowd in the building was red hot.
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