Written by Sam Jerry
It’s spring planting time in Beautiful Downtown Lower Dudleyville, and that means Wrestlemania is right around the pig pen (there are no ‘corners’ in BDLD). After a short day of but 17 hours (cut short by a severe rain storm … either that or a herd of low flying pigs from the sty over in Not-So-Beautiful Upper Dudleyville), Grandpa Dudley and I were sitting round sipping on a few Steveweisers, waiting for dinner. Talk turned to Cousin Elsa Sue Ellen Mae’s recent divorce and subsequent third marriage, both taking place on her seventeenth birthday. From there conversation switched to Wrestlemania. We got to talking about who would win the WWE Championship. Here’s what we both finally agreed upon:
We do not want Ce-Not to hold anything, even Grandpa’s old, used jock strap. He was a semi-decent performer known as ‘The Prototype in the Mexifornia Indy he was in prior to being ‘discovered’ and promoted to the WWE. Now he is a media-sucker, who will follow The Rock (despite his comments) just as soon as he gets the big money deal he is hoping for. I hope he doesn’t (or maybe he should) hold his breathe waiting for that to happen. The Rock’s movie career has fallen on hard times, as has Stone Cold Beer Man’s, in Hollyweird (and they at least have a bit of talent).
We do not want our third generation Legend Killer, to win it either. If he wasn’t the son of Cowboy Bob and the grandson of another Beef-A-Orton, where do you think he’d be today? He’d be a mid-carder at best, and scratching to make sure he wasn’t included on The Emperor’s next round of ‘talent’ cutting. He inherited the Title when Ce-Not got hurt and has done his best to bring it to a new low. He gets DQ’d more times than “Hit ‘Em Below The Belt Rufus X. Dudley” on Nickel Beer Night, at the local watering hole.
That leaves the soon to be father for the second time, the Uncrowned Prince of McMahonland, and consort of The Princess, HHH. Despite marrying the richest girl in all of McMahonland, HHH is the best performer in wrestling today. He can be the perfect heel or the perfect face, depending on what The Emperor needs at the time. Is there anyone out there who can lace his boots? I think not …. and neither of us have never been big HHH fans. If he doesn’t win the Belt, we need to call in CSI – Dudleyville. and have them investigate, because it will be a crime.
Now the question is who will actually win the Belt. Since Ce-Na is obviously the horse (the southbound side of a northbound one) that The Emperor wants to carry the Belt, he is the obvious choice. He will give his “You can’t see Me” sign, and follow that with his “Five Knuckle Shuffle,” the two most amazing finishing moves since the days of the caveman. I know there are some doubters out there who will claim The Pile Driver, Figure 4, Frog Splash, or any of a dozen others finishing moves are better. C’mon people, they don’t compare to Ce-Na’s signature moves. Next thing you’ll be saying is that the Kurt Angle’s Ankle Lock is better also.
Grandma Dudley just rang the dinner bell. Actually she yelled something like, “Get you lazy, fat a*ses in here now, or go hungry.” Hell, we know which who butters our grits, and if we don’t get going, her 17 cats are going to eat well tonight. Hopefully, we’ll have time to talk about some of the other matches before they take place.
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