Too many times on the internet, I see column after column pop up about people telling WWE (like they think WWE reads that) or whoever what they want to see, what they should do, or whatever. You know the type I’m talking about. Cena sucks, WWE’s pushing the wrong guy, they used a drawing match instead of a match with quality, horrible grammar, cliche ideas, and probably a top ten list thrown in at the bottom. Normally, I roll my eyes at it and move on, but tonight; tonight, I’m feeling different. Maybe they’re right. Maybe that’s what you, the reader, want to read. Who seriously wants to read me go on and on about a subject that’s rarely touched on or that most of you haven’t even stopped to think about? Nah, who wants to read well-researched and well-written material? Nobody, right? Like I said, maybe they’re right: WWE is reading this. Maybe right now, Vince McMahon is being handed a print copy of this column and taking it into the john as he gets his morning read on the crapper as most of the busy men in the world do. Why not, right?
So let me give it a try:
Hey, WWE; you know what? You should push Val Venis. The guy is a great in-ring worker. Forget the fact that he’s been saddled with a porn star gimmick for ten years, give-or-take. Forget the fact that when you tried pushing him differently and as a “wrestler,” it didn’t work. Forget the fact that not much stands out about the man besides his in-ring work…which is good, but doesn’t stand out to the casual viewer since they don’t seem to care during his matches. No, forget all that. The man can work and work circles around people like The Great Khali. If you put the strap around him, you should put the strap around Val Venis. Man, people will go ape shit for that, let me tell you.
Just fire The Great Khali while you’re at it. Since when has wrestling been about big men and freaks?
You know what else? You should shift your focus away from John Cena. Most people think he sucks! They’ve got to be right – listen to those boos. It can’t be because it’s cool to boo the faces and cheer the heels these days. It can’t be because of men just booing a pretty-boy face. It can’t be because of resentment over an ill-defined gimmick of being a wigger. Nah, it has to be because he sucks in the ring and can’t cut a promo to save his life. Last year? What about last year? Yes, he did work his ass and got easily the best match out of The Great Khali…ever. Yes, the man had a beyond impressive four/five month stretch from January to April/May of last year. Yes, the man easily put on four match of the year contenders in that period, all in completely different scenarios and match-types. But what does that have to do with anything. He gets the biggest reactions (whether booing or cheering, they get louder and more lively than anyone else on the current roster…by a wide margin), but so what? He’s easily the biggest draw you got right now and the only draw you’ve actually made in the past six years or so, but that’s something you can just come up with again, right? Yep, you need to shift focus away to Chris Jericho. I’m sure he can get over the fact that his heat was chopped in half after week two of his return. I’m sure he can get over the fact that he’s already just another guy on the roster. I’m sure he can get over the fans going more nuts for Cena passing gas in the ring than Jericho working circles around everyone on the roster. No, you need to shift the focus to Chris Jericho now. It’s Chris Jericho! He’s Canadian! He was trained by Stu Hart! Is any of this getting through to you?
No, no, no – I’ve got a better idea. You should turn John Cena heel. He’s been a face forever man. Steve Austin was face from 1997 to 2001, only three of which he spent on top and one of which he spent out with neck surgery and that’s Austin. Cena’s been on top since 2005! Don’t let Austin’s flop as a heel champ and the top guy fool you – the crowd’s are already booing John Cena and want to hate him. Let’s just completely forget all the merchandise & advertising you have him fueling. Let’s forget the fact that he (along with Rey Mysterio) have brought the kid audience back to wrestling again more than any others in WWE since before the Attitude Era (are we really going to look at Attitude Era wrestlers as brining in kids as a good thing?). Let’s seriously forget the fact that the crowd atmosphere for Cena matches, as a face, is mostly one of the best things about it. One man from Massachusetts can rile up half a packed stadium to boo him and rally the other to cry tears of joy & hope for him. Does that sort of thing really matter in 2008? I mean, what does genuine human emotion from the crowd have to do with being a face so long and not rapping? You’ve got plenty of other faces ready to take his spot too. Look at Jeff Hardy – I’m sure he can be the type of person to do all that promoting and talking. The man’s a promo machine!
On the subject, Jeff Hardy should have gone over at Royal Rumble. Yeah, he wasn’t the main event and would have been overshadowed by John Cena. Yeah, it would have completely thrown a loop in your Mania plans, and sure, it would have killed the first long-term planning you guys have done in months. But damn it, he was super over and as we’ve seen before, being super over means you should scrap all your plans and put it on that person right this second. No, don’t have him win Money In The Bank and actually build him up after spending the past three months cleverly establishing him. Why would you do something that makes so much sense? No, why didn’t he just win there? You know we can’t wait till the summer when he’ll be even more over, properly built up, and you’ll have him in your long term plans. Nope, nope; you killed it. You missed it. Way to screw another one up, WWE.
Can you get Randy Orton to stop the twenty-minute chinlocks? It’s not doing anything. It’s definitely not attributing Orton’s psychology of biding his time until he get in his knock-out finisher. It’s 2008 again, not 1988 or even 1978. So what if wrestling was better then? It’s 2008! More high-spots, damn it!
Midgets, Vince. Seriously, who likes midgets? It’s not that you just take up all this time with him (just like you did with DX and…everything?) that makes it bad TV. No, that’s just picking at a scab and what-not. Nope, it’s that he’s a midget being on my TV each and every week. Historically, what place do midgets really have in wrestling anyway? It’s not like the crowd cares in short bursts of things.
Floyd & Big Show at Mania? Come on, man. Who wants to see a boring exhibition match at the biggest show of the year? Cut the time and give Londrick some time. They’re freakin’ amazing and god knows they’ll put on a better match. Don’t worry about the money they won’t bring in as opposed to Floyd & Big Show; those people will buy Mania anyway. They do every year. Last year was no different; it’s not like Donald Trump made a difference, right? Ignore the problem that you’re using Floyd to get over someone like Big Show instead of MVP; no, focus on the problem of doing that kind of thing in the first place again. Truthfully, is Floyd Mayweather more of a proven commodity in America and on PPV than Akebono was?
I’m starting to feel better already. I feel like I’m just finally fitting in to. Let’s keep it going:
Why don’t you just start Kennedy’s push to the top already? So what if he was horrible in the ring in 2006? So what if he was the very definition of hit and missing 2007? So what if he seems content to just be coasting? So what if he made an ass of himself in the steroid scandal by drawing attention to himself on the subject and turning out like Hulk Hogan did in the 90s (except no one really cared as much)? The guy screams his name real loud into a microphone! I don’t think you heard me – he screams Mr. Kennedy into a microphone and then does the last name again. Where else are you going to get that? The crowds clearly agree with me.
On that same subject, why don’t you push Carlito and Shelton Benjamin too. I’m sure they’re being lazy just because they’re not being pushed. You should definitely be rewarded for that right? It’s not like they’ll continue to be lazy if they’re being pushed. I mean, Carlito wasn’t lazy when he was pushed back in the day, right? Haven’t you seen their ability to jump and flip? Push them and see – you don’t want to lose them to TNA like Christian Cage you know? God knows he’s only gotten twenty times better in the ring. Kurt Angle and Booker T too.
Speaking of TNA, keep up the actual wrestling I’m getting on my TV. I love the “booking like it’s 1997” policy too! Wait, does anyone actually still think this one? Oh, well!
Also, TNA – how long until the next Ultimate X match? I don’t think I can wait!
Hogan, man, you need to start up that wrestling promotion now. Vince needs some competition and I know it will be profitable because everyone wants to see old guys from the 70s and 80s (those who are still alive) wrestle badly on my TV each week with you at the forefront. We need some competition!
Yo, Ring Of Honor. Why don’t you snatch up some dudes people have heard of, like Hogan will? Yeah, your guys can work like the best in the planet and can get that match atmosphere going, but why don’t you try snatching up some ex-WWE/WCW guys some more? No one’s going to care about you guys seriously until you do. It’s worked for TNA. Just look what Kurt Angle and Christian Cage have done for them!
Um…Japanese & Mexican promotions. So what if you’re putting on some of the best wrestling in the world; you don’t speak my language and I’ve never heard of you guys so what does it matter? You’re also just hitting each other stiff and flying around the ring so where’s the psychology in that? You need to be going from suplexes to the Ankle Lock. That’s psychology, my friend.
Do you see how silly you all sound? Ok, I went too far with some and others I just wanted to put down because they were fun, but seriously, do you see how silly you sound? I get that you want a certain thing out of your product. I want to see Jeff Hardy as WWE Champion too, but I don’t want them to do it on a throwaway undercard that will get overshadowed and I definitely don’t want them throwing away their long-term plans for it when there’s no reason they can’t wait. I would like to see John Cena eventually turn heel, but not before there’s some other established faces to take his spot (not Triple H) and won’t have the company nosedive in the areas Cena’s carrying. I would love to have a PPV full of four star matches like a ROH show, but WWE is a business ultimately and I’d also rather have the crowd into matches than dead for good ones. Last year, I definitely would have rather seen Londrick defending their tag belts on Mania than Kane-Khali, but in the end, what’s the crowd really going to care more for?
I know it just sounds condescending putting it down like this, but with the way some of you people type down your thoughts, it seems like the only way to get through to you. It’s like you think WWE should book solely for you or solely based on in-ring performance, rather than what’s going to work for the business or for the long-term plans (especially if you do it by spelling every other word wrong & breaking every grammatical rule). It’s not like I don’t agree with you (which is why I didn’t touch the Women’s, Tag Team, or Cruiserweight divisions), but most of your ideas seriously make me wonder what in the hell you guys are thinking and wonder if you think outside of your little bubble even while you are criticizing WWE for booking under their own bubble. How are you supposed to be telling WWE what to do when they’re booking for millions and you’re booking for dozens or sometimes, just yourself? Just look beyond what you want to see and realize that you’re not going to get it all, especially at the time you want.
You know what you guys should actually do? Ah, forget it.
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