With the annual installment of WWE’s Royal Rumble less than a week away, I thought I’d take a few minutes to set the tone for one of the company’s biggest shows of the year. Through all of the speculation over who will win the Rumble and what it will take, I think it’s quite vital for everyone to understand the many strategies that can be used to assist you in winning the 30 man over-the-top battle royal. 30 men, 30 tips… let’s get to ‘em!
1) Find a way to prolong your entrance. If you can successfully spend 10 minutes just making your way to the ring while partying with your ho’s (a la The Godfather) then that’s 10 less minutes than you have to spend in the ring… and with sweaty men, at that!
2) If you happen to come across a woman in the Royal Rumble (as Chyna many years ago), don’t be sexist. KICK HER ASS OUT OF THE RING!! Maybe you should hold the ropes open for her like any gentleman would do, but then you should immediately show her the way out of the ring. Besides, Chyna was a man anyway, right?
3) If your name is Pete Rose, just don’t even both coming! You know the result is going to be the same everytime you try it- you’re gonna get tombstoned and chokeslammed. I’ve never seen anyone so willing to take a beating. Who knows, maybe next year will be your year, Pete.
4) What would a Royal Rumble be without turning it into a Hardcore Rumble for a few minutes? Be sure to stake your claim to the plethora of weapons under the ring and use them to your advantage. Try to remember to toss them after you’re finished with them so they aren’t used on you!
5) Take the phrase “Slippery When Wet” to a literal form. Soak yourself in extra, extra oil so you’ll slip right out of those bad guys’ hands! Nobody will be able to catch you and throw you over with this plan! (Contributed by Eddie!)
6) Always watch your back. There’s always going to be someone waiting to toss your chances at a title shot out of the ring along with you. Plus, it’s dangerous with so many men in the ring; we’d hate for you to get injured!
7) Thankfully Jeff Hardy isn’t actually in the Royal Rumble this year, but if he were, I’d give him this advice: STAY OFF THE TOP ROPE! Sure it’s cool to do all kinds of flips and such off of the top turnbuckle, but it’s not so cool when you get shoved into the 3rd row. If you go up top, you deserve to be eliminated for being an idiot.
8 ) If you want to win the Rumble, you must Skin the Cat. It’s actually required. (If you don’t know what that is, just watch… you’ll see it happen.)
9) When the Undertaker comes out, be wary of the lights disappearing for a few seconds. There’s a lot that can happen in seven seconds… just ask my ex-girlfriend!
10) If Undertaker doesn’t scare you, then Kane surely will. STAY AWAY FROM KANE! He holds the record for most eliminations in a single Rumble. Kane eliminated 11 men in the 2001 Royal Rumble: Grand Master Sexay, Steve Blackman, Al Snow, Raven, Saturn, Honky Tonk Man, Tazz, Crash Holly, Albert, Scotty 2 Hotty and The Rock.
11) If all else fails, just slip out and hide under the ring for a few minutes. You’ll get to take a breather and visit with Hornswoggle for a few minutes. After all, that’s where the little bastard lives.
12) Make as many friends as you can before the big match. Even though it’s every man for themselves, if your friends are close enough, perhaps they won’t eliminate you until it’s absolutely necessary.
13) If you have a friend in the Rumble, eliminate them before they can eliminate you… although I’d NEVER condone turning your back on a friend!
14) Don’t cross the boss! Vince has been known for getting involved in the Rumble (even winning it in 1999). Crossing the boss is a sure-fire way to have your title shot dreams shattered.
15) Speaking of shattered, if you hear the glass shatter, RUN! It could only mean that three time Royal Rumble winner Stone Cold Steve Austin is making his way to the ring to open a can of whoop-ass. It’s not worth it.
16) For the love of God, DO NOT apply a submission hold or go for a pin cover. You’ll look completely stupid and you will likely be eliminated by way of the audience’s deafening laughter.
17) Don’t go into the match thinking you’re the biggest, baddest name in the industry. When you’re in the ring with 29 other superstars, then you, my friend, are an underdog. Pride comes before the fall.
18) Be sure to apply some extra deodorant. It’s common sense, need I say more?
19) Clear your schedule for the evening. It’s a long match and if you plan on winning, you better be in it for the long haul.
20) If your name is Drew Carey, your best bet is eliminating yourself before you turn into the next Pete Rose. And no, offering the Big Red Machine Kane money will NOT increase your chances of befriendment.
21) As Maxwell Smart would say “it’s the old ‘elimination-under-the bottom-rope’ trick.” Duck out for a while and strategically plan your return to the match.
22) If you weigh over 3-, 4-, or 500 pounds, good for you. You’re that much harder to eliminate AND you’re fat. You’ll most likely dominate during periods of small numbers, but as soon as you get 6 able-bodied wrestlers in there, kiss your title chances and twinky goodbye!
23) When you are eliminated from the match, don’t take it lightly. Go back in the ring and screw up the bastard’s chances who took away yours. Payback is, how do you say, a b!tch.
24) Learn from Mick Foley. If you are eliminated, come back later as Dude Love. When you’re eliminated again, come back as Mankind. And when you’re eliminated again (it’s bound to happen- you’re Mick Foley for crying out loud!), march down to the ring just one more time, but this time as Cactus Jack.
25) Say your prayers and eat your vitamins. It did wonders for Hulk Hogan, who was 1 of 3 superstars to win back-to-back Royal Rumble matches (1990 and 1991). Michaels (1995 and 1996) and Austin (1997 and 1998) were the other two wrestlers kicking ass and taking names for two years in a row.
26) Don’t pick #1. Sure, it will make a great story if you win… but that’s IF you win, IF! Besides, you’re not Shawn Michaels.
27) DO pick this number! Entry #27 has won more Royal Rumbles than any other numbered entry spot. Big John Studd (1989), Yokozuna (1993), Bret Hart (1994) and Stone Cold (2001) all entered with this very lucky number and went on to win the match.
28) Psych yourself up and know that regardless of how horrible your performance may be, you’ll never hold the record for the shortest amount of time in the Royal Rumble. That sorry record was set by The Warlord with two seconds in 1989. In 1995, the next shortest times belonged to Mo and Owen Hart who each lasted three seconds. See- you don’t suck so bad after all!
29) Leave all of your taunts and crowd-pleasers in the back. Nobody is going to help you win the Rumble other than yourself. Although, on the bright side, once you’re eliminated you’ll have plenty of time to mock yourself while you take the long walk of shame back to your locker room.
30) Just win.
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