The Crap Shoot: There's Nothing Like an Ass-Whoopin' in HD

Before we get started, last week, I was at best very disappointed in what RAW had to offer. And, as promised, I didn’t pull any punches with you. I called it like I saw it and was very harsh, but truthful in what I said. After posting the column, several of you emailed me and told me about what you thought of the show (and I’m VERY glad you did!). And additionally, as promised, I want to share some of those emails.
Chad from Oakland sent in his thoughts saying that I was “too brutal” and “had unrealistic expectations” of a RAW show compared to a pay-per-view. Chad, I agree, but wouldn’t it be great to have a higher quality of programming each week and an even higher quality of PPV cards? Improvement never hurt anybody, did it? But I will take your views under advisement and try to be a little more gentle without lowering my expectations.
Email screen name ‘luvnCENA4life’ took a stance against my bashing of the Hornswoggle match, aka the Mini-Rumble with wrestler-impersonating little poeple. She was telling me that it was there for comedic purposes and that I should lighten up and enjoy the moment. Luvn, I would agree, but I’m not 12. I just can’t and WON’T buy into Hornswoggle. And if you didn’t like last week’s comments about him, you surely won’t like this week’s remarks.
Now, with that being said… let’s get started!!!
This week’s edition of WWE Monday Night RAW began with a video package highlighting the incredible 30 foot Swanton from the scaffolding performed by Jeff Hardy onto Randy Orton. After several straight weeks of Hardy getting the better of Orton, I’d hope and suspect that tonight Orton will finally change things to favor him going into the Rumble this Sunday. However, an advertised simple handshake doesn’t sound too promising.
RAW has a new stage and I’ve got mixed feelings about it. Earlier I read about it’s portability and multi-purpose use, along with its 1.2 MILLION LEDs, but it just doesn’t look as good as I thought it would… perhaps it has something to do with NOT having HD.
Micaels and Kennedy start the evening off making good on their promise last week. Apparently Kennedy has just been GIVEN a spot in the Rumble while everyone else, including HBK, Undertaker, and Batista had to qualify for it. I’d bet this won’t sit well with Shawn, or anyone else for that matter. It would’ve been fun to see some fun poked between Michaels and Kennedy regarding the NY Giants beating both of their hometown NFL teams over the course of the past two weeks, but knowing WWE they won’t recognize competition (including football).
Watching these two go at it has been a real treat over the past month or two, and I hope that they continue their feud through WrestleMania and beyond. As far as bringing up the next generation of stars, pairing Kennedy with the likes of Michaels, Triple H, and Jericho will do wonders not only for his wrestling but for his charisma. Their match was a very fun, fast-paced contest that saw many counters and innovative moves. During this match, I’ve concluded that anytime a match runs 10 minutes and someone gets dumped outside the ring, it’s time for a commercial. The second half of the match was much more physical and mean-spirited, which is synonymous with what this rivalry has turned into. But in the end it was Michaels who stood tall after another dose of Sweet Chin Music on a bloodied Kennedy.
RATING: Full House (7 out of 9) Again, these two continue to impress each and every week. It’s a lot of fun watching Kennedy grow up in front of our eyes.
Backstage, McMahon reassures that it’ll be fine for Orton to shake Hardy’s hand, saying that he doesn’t have to mean it.
Next up is a women’s single match. That’s too bad actually, I was really enjoying the 6-woman tags and triple threats between them. Although there’s yet to be an official announcement (as of this writing) to feature the Women’s Championship match at the Royal Rumble, Beth Phoenix and Mickie James still put on an entertaining match. In addition to watching the match for their beauty, I’ve grown accustomed to watching their matches for mistakes and botches- not to make fun of them but for a judgment of progress. This week I’m happy to say that I didn’t catch any botches worth mentioning. It’s just too bad Mickie continues to chase Beth, even in Mickie’s home state of Virginia as she did tonight.
RATING: Flush (6 of 9) It’s a good thing to see that although Finlay is now somewhat limited as to what he can do with the women’s division, they can still handle themselves and put themselves together enough to improve.
Following the match, we get an HD look at Triple H and his unibrow. He flapped his gums about not caring who his opponent was or what type of match it was and that he would come out victorious. He said it wasn’t a promise… it was a guaran-damn-tee. Cody Rhodes and Brian Kendrick were also backstage talking about their opportunity for the Rumble and about MySpace before Bob Holly interrupted them to make sure Rhodes still had his back for his match against Carlito.
I apologize for my lack of interest in anything to do with Hornswoggle, but I personally think it’s a waste of time. It doesn’t entertain me, I’m not amused by it, and I could honestly care less. I understand that children make up a large chunk of the money poured into the entertainment business (ie- High School Musical, March of the Penguins), but that doesn’t mean wrestling should portray a grown man to be an 8-year old leprechaun. Besides, having the Lucky Charms mascot parading around (and unfortunately IN) the ring doesn’t do much for the credibility of the business.
With that said, I hardly paid any attention to the match. Adding the Highlanders to the mix just made it that much worse. But what I did see was pretty bad. What did Finlay do to deserve this?
RATING: Three of a Kind (4 out of 9) If Hornswoggle wins or even eliminates someone from the Rumble, I may just boycott the WWE.
Chris Jericho delivered the 2nd Hour Promo, as I call it. Chris rattled off a very effective testament to his hatred for JBL. One part that really hit home to me was when he brought up his 4-year old son looking up at him with his watery eyes and quivering bottom lip asking “Is it true, daddy? Are you really a coward?” Chris then said that for the first time, he saw doubt in his son’s eyes and that JBL had just made it personal. Instead of delivering a good show at the world’s most famous arena Madison Square Garden, Jericho promised a fight more brutal than any previous boxing matchup that ever highlighted the famed marquee. And folks, if you’ve ever seen a fight at MSG, you know what you’re in for this Sunday.
Backstage, Jeff Hardy is now with Vince talking about the handshaking later on. Jeff promises to leave people with something to talk about, FO SHO!
Brian Kendrick was out to earn himself one of the 30 coveted spots in the Rumble, only this time, Regal added a twist- he’d have to defeat someone who’d already qualified for the Rumble. UMANGA! Needless to say, Umaga won. There was a decent amount of offense on Kendrick’s part with about 8 back-to-back-to-back aerial kicks to Umaga’s head without the giant falling down. The short match ended when Kendrick went to follow-up with one of those 8 kicks flying through the air into Umaga’s waiting hands. Que the Samoan Drop and Samoan Spike (this time in mid-air).
RATING: Straight (5 out of 9) You didn’t really expect Kendrick to win, did you? Plus, doesn’t it make sense for someone to earn, win, AND defend their spot in the Rumble while Kennedy gets to waltz right into it without any of the above? Think about it.
Backstage Maria is comforting a sobbing Mickie James before Ashley walks up. Mickie James bolts and Ashley is talking to Maria about her recent visit to the Playboy mansion and says that Hugh Heffner had a great idea for Maria to consider… but before we get to hear that great idea, Santino walks up saying that he knows the idea and question Ashley’s about to ask and the answer is thanks, but no thanks. He doesn’t need Maria to buy him a lifetime subscription to Playboy magazine. Here’s where we get…
Santino’s English Lesson of the Week: “It’s like the saying goes- why buy the cow when the cow lets you milk her for free?”
I guess instead of seeing Santino’s in-ring skills tonight, we’ll just be honored by his constant butchering of the English language. His newly found tag team partner, Carlito, is in action, however, against one-half of the Tag Team Champions, Bob Holly. I enjoyed the match, although it was nothing spectacular. WWE continued teasing the feud between these two teams by Santino causing a distraction and allowing Carlito to hit the Backstabber and pick up the 1-2-3.
RATING: Flush (6 out of 9) I’m wishing for these two teams to duke it out for the titles at No Way Out.
Regal announced to Triple H that he would be facing up to THREE opponents tonight because he is now involved in an over-the-top gauntlet match. Snitsky was out first to attempt Regal’s derailment of Triple H’s Rumble hopes. After last week’s very impressive showing by Snitsky, WWE found it necessary to only leave him in the ring for no longer than two and a half minutes this week, totally negating any and all good done last week. SmackDown’s resident gorilla Mark Henry entered next, literally smashing Triple H between anything and everything. He’s honest to God a run-away freight train, trust me, I’ve seen him live and from withing a few feet. Triple H used this to his advantage and pulled the top rope down as Henry ran towards him, using his own momentum to cast him from the match.
The third opponent was William Regal himself, not even dressed to compete. Triple H made quick work of him and earned himself a spot into the Royal Rumble this Sunday.
RATING: Full House (7 out of 9) Going into this week’s RAW, I wondered how Triple H could go over into the Rumble and not do it over someone that wasn’t credible enough. I also went in to this week thinking that the Big Show would be his opponent and wondering how Triple H would beat Show without crushing Show’s debut. I guess it’s a good thing (in this case and ONLY this case) that I’m not a WWE writer. Don’t try this at home, right?
The final segment of the show featured an advertised handshake between Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy and WWE Champion Randy Orton. McMahon was there to facilitate the initial process but soon vanished. Randy Orton scolded Hardy for the dumb risks he took saying that he’d never earn the right to wear the WWE Championship belt, but there was something Hardy did earn. His respect. Hardy fired back, refusing the respect of Orton “I didn’t hit a 30 foot Swanton to impress you… I did it for me, for my brother Matt, and to prove that I’ll do anything to be the WWE Champion. If I wanted to shake hands with people I respect, well, you’d be in the back of a looooong line.” Hardy then went around the ring shaking hands with JR, King, and Lilian before leaping into the crowd and randomly shaking hands with fans, showing that he obviously respects strangers more than he does Orton. Hardy crawled back into the ring and Orton extended his hand. At this point, I was signed, sealed, and delivered on the fact that Orton would get the last word and demolish Hardy… but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Hardy kicked Orton in the gut and slammed his face into the mat with a resounding Twist of Fate, FULL of emotion, as RAW went off the air.
Now, for the overview of the show. Given my frustration with last week’s show, I DO feel that WWE did improve and deliver a better show this week. For the most part, they did continue to build and hype the show on Sunday, which is ultimately the goal of every show. The booking made a little more sense this week and there were some things that I’d like to have seen happen that didn’t, but for what we were given, I feel like giving them 2 hours of my time was justified.
I still don’t like the new stage setup. There’s just too much going on and the cameras don’t even capture all of it. When the cameras are up close to the TV, it just looks horrible and you can see straight through the metal grates. I’d hope to see them fix some of those things as the weeks go by. I do have to commend them on not having and major technical issues this week though, so it seems as if the transition went without too many hiccups.
OVERALL RATING: 6.5 out of 9
I’d also like to take a minute to plug my recent column “Winning the Rumble: 30 Tips for 30 Men”. If you haven’t read it yet, I’d recommend it, as it’s a real treat! Don’t forget to send me all of your emails- who knows, maybe you’ll see YOURS featured in the Crap Shoot!