Impact Wishes: Who is the Damn Consultant Already?

This week in the Impact Zone we have a pay per view quality main event, Christy Hemme being placed in a match for the upcoming pay per view, and Bob Backlund yelling something random in the backstage area.

Remember, general comments and “wishes” appear in basic white while random or rhetorical questions appear in this orange color. In addition, “Quotes of the Night” are at the bottom of this page.

Segment One:

After a brief recap of last week’s show, we’re treated to Abyss screaming “noooo” outside of the arena from after the show.
And we’re in the Impact Zone with Tenay and West selling the February 11th pay per view.
Tonight we’ll see Styles taking on Samoa Joe – should be a good match!
What a backstage scene they’ve gone to in the back. Chris Sabin acting like an old man in front of a crazy looking Bob Backlund and the Voo Doo Kin mafia pacing outside of Cornette’s office. Weird.
Tonight’s opening match is Alex Shelley vs. Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. The Austin Starr vs. Jerry Lynn. Let’s see what they’ve got.
Ha ha ha! Chris Sabin comes to ringside with the walker calling himself Jerry Lynn.
If Jerry Lynn feels young on the inside and can still perform in the ring, then is he really an old man? Rhetorical question, folks.
I feel like this match is going to be confusing.
Good Grief! Jay Lethal hit a chop on Starr that I felt!
We’re treated to an X-Division spotfest that ends with Jay Lethal taking a flying dive onto the huddle of guys outside.
Chris Sabin jumps on the ring apron wearing a pair of Depends as The Austin Starr sneaks away with a victory.
As Sabin and Starr abuse Jerry Lynn after the match, Senshi makes the run in for the save.
How funny is Christian backstage with Tomko? He just told him that he heard him whining! Ha ha ha!

Segment Two:

Paparazzi Productions brings us back with LAX running into a restaurant and destroying the kitchen as they completely abuse an old man in the back.
I’m not sure who the old man was, but Tenay brought us back from the clip saying something about it’s one thing to fight in the Impact Zone, but something else to fight in a family’s backyard.
Anyone know what that means?
Samoa Joe comes out and cuts a promo about clearing up his position as the unofficial ring enforcer for the Christian/Angle match.
Christian pops up on the monitor saying that Angle will get a third hint about who his special consultant is later tonight – if he didn’t get it already.
So Samoa Joe is walking to the back even though he has a match at some point tonight? Why not just fight now?
JB is in the back outside of Cornette’s office hyping TNA Mobile as Backlund stands up and yells something
Miss Tennessee aka Miss Jacquelyn and James Storm show up so Jackie can let the Gail Kim know she wants to fight her
Eric Young shows up to give us some comic relief as Christy Hemme runs into Cornette’s office only to be immediately followed by VKM
A nice way to get a lot of wrestlers on camera before the break.

Segment Three:

We’re back outside the arena with James Mitchell telling Abyss to find Sting and drive a stake through his heart
Now we are getting a recap of the Eric Young/Ms. Brooks angle.
Ms. Brooks is hot.
Robert Roode comes to the rink followed by Ms. Brooks and they’re followed by Roode’s opponent, Petey Williams with Gail Kim
Wanna bet that Jacquelyn runs out to beat up Kim?
Oh boy – Robert Roode just gave Petey Williams a back body drop on the steel guard rail. That’s gotta hurt.
I’ll tell you what – Petey Williams is a good wrestler. He’s pretty fluid in that ring.
A catfight ensues on the outside as Cowboy James Storm gives Petey a superkick for the Roode win.
Hey look, Jackie DID come out. Who would have thunk it?
Eric Young comes out and protects Ms. Brooks from the assault.
Roode pulls Brooks out of the ring and shoves her some 10 feet backwards only to have Eric Young save the day…which Robert seems to like.
And we’re in Cornette’s office with a lot of screaming and yelling between Hemme and Kipp James.
Hemme asks for an apology and James points her “down there” for it. It’s like 1999 all over again, folks!
There certainly are a lot of “James” names in TNA, aren’t there?
Cornette gives Hemme a match at the pay per view…with no opponent announced yet.

Segment Four:

What the hell is the deal with Killings doing this Marine gimmick? That’s got “tanked” all over it.
James Mitchell comes out to Abyss’ music as the announcers tell us about TNA Lockdown taking place in St. Louis – another TNA PPV on the road!
How great is it that they keep the red lighting in the arena when Mitchell speaks? That’s an old school touch right there.
Mitchell is just running down Sting right now – nothing major that we don’t know already.
By the way, how great is it that this show is more than halfway over? I’m telling you, I like watching TNA because there isn’t a big time commitment involved.
Mitchell says that once Abyss is done being his cash cow, he’ll bring him back to the nut house and get a new whacko. I sorta find that funny – don’t know why.
James Mitchell offers Sting to either face Abyss in a prison yard match (don’t know what that is) or face the authorities for attacking him
As the demonic Mitchell demands an answer, Sting appears in the rafters with Abyss’ mask on his face. Weird.
We quickly cut to a video promo of Christopher Daniels asking if there is more to all of this than being the X Division champion.
Ummm…is there more to it?

Segment Five:

Lance Hoyt challenges some baseball players to a fight and Johnny Damon of my New York Yankees is in the crowd.
Brother D-Von is in the back with JB. He says Brother Ray is with the family and that no one should attack someone’s family like LAX did.
Who is the old man that got attacked again?
Tenay gets it right this time – the AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe main event tonight is a pay per view quality match
Joe makes his way out to the ring with the shorts up way to high to hide his gut.
Isn’t it great that the crowd chants “Joe’s gonna kill you,” when he comes out?
Pretty decent match between these two – which is, of course, what we would expect.
Does it sound like there are piped in crowd noises here?
Joe tosses AJ to the arena floor and it looks like Styles might have busted his knee…that’s gotta be a fake
And Rhino comes running out and attacks Styles from behind – a quick double team by Joe and Rhino and the match is called
Samoa Joe gets a microphone and demands that Christian Cage get his “ass” to the ring
We cut to commercial with Kurt Angle on his way to the ring.

Segment Six:

We’re back with Kurt Angle telling Samoa Joe that he should just screw him over right now.
Kurt Angle then calls Samoa Joe a liar and attacks him.
And it’s Christian out of the back with a steel chair shot to Angle, knocking him down.
Oooo, Christian’s hand is rejected by Samoa Joe’s double-bird and a few good shots to the head.
So who IS the consultant, then?
AJ Styles is back and he and Christian double team Samoa Joe – Angle is still laid out.
Interesting double team on Angle by Styles and Cage – Styles hit Angle in the back while he was getting the Unprettier by Cage.
A recap of the night and we’re done.

Quotes of the Night:
“You crazy kids nowadays with 6 sided rings. Back in my day, we had 2 sided rings made out of skeepskin and cow testicles.” – Chris Sabin acting like an old man backstage

“You want to get even with him? Marry him! That’ll teach him!” – Cornette squeezing a one-liner in during the Hemme-James argument

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– Joe Vincent
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