Last week we got some tears from Christy Hemme and Sting beating the hell out of James Mitchell. This week, we find out Abyss’ big secret as well as what Eric Young is doing in a convenience store at four o’clock in the morning.
Remember, general comments and “wishes” appear in basic white while random or rhetorical questions appear in this orange color. In addition, “Quotes of the Night” are at the bottom of this page.
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Segment One:
- Impact opens with the knowledge that Sting has poured over city records and unearthed Abyss’ deep, dark secret…
- Up next is a quick recap of last week’s show where we’re not quite sure, but Samoa Joe seems to be the consultant that Christian Cage is contracting.
- Apparently Mike Tenay and Don West are confused, too – so here comes Samoa Joe to try to tell us what the deal is.
- Hmmm…why WOULD Samoa Joe help Kurt Angle?
- Hmmm…I never like it when people stand in the ring and they say, “But now, I have all the time in the world.” Too Levesque-ish for me.
- So Samoa Joe is a special ring enforcer – does that make him the consultant or not?
- Angle is coming out to tell us a little bit more…
- Don’t get me wrong, TNA is fun to watch and all – but wouldn’t this dialogue be sweet if it was being held in an arena about 15 times the size of the Impact Zone?
- Ah, and Kurt Angle lays out the fans’ confusion for those of you who didn’t watch the show last week. Seriously, it looked like they botched the ending of the show.
- Oooo, Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle are so tough! The “shut up, man” schtick wears off after a while…
- Ah! Finally, Christian comes out and says that Samoa Joe isn’t his consultant. That’s what we’ve been waiting for, damn it.
- We have a promise of a second hint before the end of tonight as to who this mysterious consultant is and then Samoa Joe starts beating up Kurt Angle. This isn’t playing out well on TV at all.
- Tomko speaks?
- How good is James Mitchell at that demonic minister role? Good job!
- Mitchell is good at his role – and he sells his character and his protege’s character very well. There is no one on the competition that even has a position like his any more. Sad.
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Segment Two:
- What the hell is this with the masks and all of that crap? Raven is one of these guys?
- Oooo, and the Phenomenal AJ Styles pulls a quick one on Rhino by pretending to be Raven. Come on, Rhino! That’s the oldest trick in the book!
- And Styles treats us to a beating on Rhino – nice. Chairs, kendo sticks – good stuff.
- Does Styles look like a little boy making Communion in that white get-up?
- Christian is entertaining – I’m glad that there is a national outlet to watch him now that he’s out of WWE.
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Segment Three:
- As I say week in and week out, one of the best parts about TNA is that by the 3rd and 4th segment, you’re pretty much through the halfway point of the show. It’s great!
- Ron Killings is one of a few good men? Weird…
- Eric Young is buying condoms with JB. Ha ha ha ha ha!
- And what are the chances that the Cowboy James Storm and Miss Tennessee would walk into the same convenience store as Eric Young?
- Oh boy – a cruiserweight match! Or wait…an X-Division Match!
- Look at Jerry Lynn! Mr. J.L. himself. I didn’t know he was still wrestling.
- There’s something that I like about Chris Sabin – not sure what it is. In any event, he’s a great wrestler.
- Now I’m not too sure who this Austin Starr is, but he used the dreaded Hulk Hogan-back rake!
- You know, I’ll agree with the announcers – Jerry Lynn didn’t look that old in the ring.
- Is there anyway that this backstage interview with the Voodoo Kin Mafia can go well?
- Ummm…doesn’t Kipp James make a decent point about men ruling the wrestling world?
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Segment Four:
- Hey look, we’re back from commercial with a mad Latino guy. Wow, what a stereotype!
- Decent recap of the LAX and Team 3D feud, but sorta unnecessary.
- Sting looks weird in a small ring in a small arena. Just something not right there.
- And here we go with a bunch of cryptic stuff from Sting before he reveals what Abyss’ big secret is.
- Why can’t they just come out and say, “The secret is…”?
- WHAT? Abyss shot his father in the back three times?!?
- Damn right the question is “why,” Sting!
- Abyss looked a little slow in the ring and outside against Sting – not usual for him. Weird.
- Oooo! Abyss is really putting it on Sting. And good for Sting for taking such a nice whooping!
- So now we have a situation where we’re not sure who Christian’s consultant is and where Abyss shot his Dad three times in the back.
- Is Vince Russo writing this stuff?
- Ah ha ha ha ha! The dreaded fireball to the eyes from Mitchell to Sting! You KNOW Jim Cornette is a part of TNA now!
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Segment Five:
- I have to say that for what is supposed to be a second or even third-tier promotion, TNA has some really great production values.
- Oh Don West is great – he gets pretty fired up for this stuff!
- Yeah – Christian Cage is fitting in very well to the TNA group. His promos are getting funny again and that’s more than he was towards the end of his WWE run.
- Oh hey, look! Christopher Daniels. I didn’t know he was still out there – haven’t seen him in a while.
- Christian has a pretty sweet entrance.
- Pretty good match between Christian Cage and Christopher Daniels.
- Samoa Joe comes out and gets a great seat.
- What if I just came out with a chair and sat ringside? I’d be throttled out of the arena!
- A fucking commercial break? Ugh! Come on!
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Segment Six:
- And we’re back, but who knows what happened during the break.
- Samoa Joe yaps into the microphone as a good match goes on in the ring.
- Oh, get it? Samoa Joe won’t let Tomko interrupt because Joe is a “ring enforcer” or something.
- Wow. Daniels is one of those guys who is just at home in the ring. He has a great ring sense and it’s showing in this match with Cage.
- Look at Earl Hebner reffing the main event on a TNA broadcast.
- How does Christopher Daniels learn these ridiculous moves?
- Weird ending to the match. Oh well, maybe these two can meet on PPV at some point and really get it on.
- And let’s call it a night, folks!
Quotes of the Night:
“I wouldn’t help you if your car was stuck on the tracks and the train was 3 seconds from hitting you!” – Samoa Joe telling Kurt Angle how much he likes him
“We employ you as…wrestlers, not as the heads of some SM parlor and not to dress up like the cast of Scary Movie 7!” – Jim Cornette talking to Raven and Seratonin
“Say hello to Uncle Fester for me.” – Jim Cornette saying good bye to Raven and Seratonin
“What are you looking at you harlot? I know you want me…” – Ms. Brooks to Leticia Cline (hilarious!)
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– Joe Vincent
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