Written By: Mike Johns on 01/18/07
I’ve been meaning to write this column for a long, long time now, but for whatever reason, I’ve never gotten around to it until now. I know I’ve mentioned him from time to time in this column, as well as the story of the time I did a flaying ax handle smash off the couch onto my sister’s Cabbage Patch doll and got in trouble, not because I was doing a wrestling move in the house, mind you, but because I was imitating a bad guy. The long time readers already know who I’m talking about, but, for everyone else, I’m talking about none other than my absolute favorite wrestler growing up, the “Macho Man” Randy Savage.
To me, Randy Savage was more than a mere wrestler, he was everything I ever saw myself as being. Every time I see Randy in the ring or on TV, I see myself living vicariously through him, whether it’s leaping through the air to crush Ricky Steamboat’s larynx with a ring bell, or hoisting the lovely Miss Elizabeth onto my shoulders and parading her around to the adoration of millions. I don’t just watch Randy Savage matches, I live them, even now at 25. Sure, Ric Flair got more respect and Hulk Hogan was the bigger star, but Randy… I’m not sure what wrestling would have been in the 80’s without him. And yeah, eventually, the Macho Man lost his ever-loving mind, started screwing girls half his age, and somehow convinced himself he could rap while still holding a grudge against Hulk Hogan for allegedly causing his divorce and/or allegedly sleeping with then-wife Elizabeth Hulette (yet, he doesn’t seem to harbor much resentment for Lex Luger, who more or less watched her die while zonked out on drugs), but, well… Nobody’s perfect. Except maybe Curt Hennig, but that’s another column for another day.
The thing about Randy that first drew me to him wasn’t the outfits, the title belts, the attitude, or even the innovative wrestling style that he co-created along with Bobby Eaton when they used to wrestle each other to draws back in the mid-70’s. It was Elizabeth. In fact, I can’t think of Randy without thinking of Elizabeth. They’re like peanut butter and jelly. Most of the memories I have of watching Randy all involved Liz. Hell, the reason I ditched Hulkamania for the Macho Madness was because of Elizabeth. For those who remember my “Hulk Hogan Theorem” column from last year, you may recall that I more or less said that the reason the Mega Powers broke up was because (in storyline, at least, although there are rumors that Hulk may have in fact done the deed with Miss Liz) Hulk was trying to hook up with Liz, and Randy wasn’t having any of it. Now, say what you will about the booking, but, at 8 years old, I saw the angle, and saw my then-hero Hogan trying to take the Macho Man’s girl. A lot of boys at that age are still in the “girls have cooties” stage, and claim to hate them. I wasn’t. In fact, I’m not sure I ever had that stage. Either way, I knew that Liz was the Macho Man’s girl, and Hulk had no right to try and get with her. Of course, trying to convince my dad that the Macho Man was right didn’t go well, so when he saw me pretending to be the Macho Man and threatening to kick Hulk Hogan’s ass at WrestleMania V in what might just be the best imitation of the Macho Man any 8 year-old in the history of the universe has ever done, he felt it was time for one of those “father/son talks”. Do keep in mind, this is the same man who would whine about how wrestling was fake when I started watching wrestling on TBS with my grandpa when I was, like, 3. So anyway, I get the spiel about how Randy Savage is a bad friend who abuses women and whatnot (clearly, my dad wanted me to simply ignore the years of compiled physical and emotional abuse he dished out to me and my mom at the time, or else, my dad was being a giant hypocrite. You decide) and how a “good Christian boy” should not be like that. Yeah, sure. Whatever…
It’s weird how important WrestleMania V seems to be in my life. Any time I think about my childhood and wrestling, the first thing that comes up is always, and I mean ALWAYS, WrestleMania V. The Mega Powers were set to collide at the Trump Plaza as former friends and teammates Hulk Hogan and Randy “Macho Man” Savage squared off for the WWF Title while Miss Elizabeth, who had managed the Mega Powers, found herself tragically torn between the man she loves and his former best friend. Just a year earlier, at the same location, Hogan, Savage, and Liz were in the ring, celebrating Savage’s victory in the tournament to crown a new WWF champion after the title was vacated months earlier (Andre The Giant had beaten Hogan for the title on NBC, ending Hogan’s 4-year reign as champion, and then attempted to sell the title to Ted DiBiase. Fortunately, WWF Officials nullified the title change due to both the controversial nature of Andre’s win and DiBiase’s attempt to purchase the belt, and vacated the title). For the next several months, Hogan and Savage fought the likes of DiBiase, Andre, and the Twin Towers before the team itself began to implode. It began with Hogan making advances on Miss Elizabeth, followed by Hogan “accidentally” eliminating the Macho Man from the 1989 Royal Rumble (this was before the Rumble winner received a WrestleMania title shot, so, in that sense, it would make sense for the champion, Savage, to be in the Rumble match itself). In a tag match with the Twin Towers on NBC a month later, Akeem (One Man Gang, who had rejected his slave name after his manager, Slick, performed a voodoo ritual to bring out the Gang’s inner-African… or something like that) tossed Savage out of the ring and onto Elizabeth, injuring her. Hogan then plays the hero and carries Liz to the back, abandoning Savage and leaving him to fight Akeem and the Big Boss Man all by himself. Of course, Hogan endangered Liz by moving her without stabling her neck first, and left a match in progress while there were plenty of medics available to ensure that she would not only be removed from ringside, but taken to receive the proper medical care, but hey, he’s the “good guy”, right? Sure. He’s just lucky Liz didn’t get paralyzed because of his carelessness! So, what does the Macho Man do when Hogan the Cowardly Girlfriend-Stealer FINALLY comes back to help the Macho Man deal with guys who were, collectively, about half the size of Al Bundy’s Mother-in-law? Simple. Randy slaps the bitch in the face, jumps out of the ring, and tells Hogan to go f*ck himself! Amazingly, Hogan then goes on to beat the Twin Towers all by himself, all because of the awesome power of Macho Madness, which had weakened the Towers so badly that even Clay Aiken could have beaten them. After the match, Hogan had the gall to go and check on Elizabeth, and Randy, seeing that Hogan was, once again, trying to get with his girl, proceeded to give Hulk the ass-whipping of a lifetime. From there, it became clear. If Hogan couldn’t have Randy’s girl, he’d take the next best thing – Randy’s title, and thus, the set-up for one of the biggest matches in wrestling history.
And then, Hogan won. Bastard.
So, Hogan has the WWF Title, and Randy has the girl. At least, he would until he realized that Elizabeth could not be trusted. Sad but true. After all, she was in a neutral corner at WrestleMania V, the fight of her man’s life against the man who betrayed him. How can she NOT side with her man? Unless, of course, she hadn’t been loyal to her man all along. And there’s the problem. Maybe she did, and maybe she didn’t hook up with Hogan, but she never really said, did she? No. And thus, came Sensational Sherri. Sure, she may have not been quite the looker that Liz was, but at least Sherri was loyal, which wasn’t something you could say about Liz. It’s sad, and unfortunate, but the cold hard truth. Sadly, this would end what idyllic memories I have of the Macho Man, as, well, it all went downhill from here. Sure, Macho Man would get back with Liz later, but by then, the damage was done. Their real-life marriage ended just as their on-screen marriage began, and the bizarre world of wrestling chugged along despite it all. They went to WCW, all but ruined their reps, hooked up with people who were all wrong for them (especially Liz… Seriously. Lex Luger?!), and eventually saw their careers die a slow, painful death. Then, Liz died for real, and the Macho Man began a rap war with Hulk Hogan over stuff that may or may not have happened almost 20 years ago. It’s not the best way to remember them, and I try not to think about it. The important thing is not what they became, but what they were in their prime.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This one says it all for me.
