Source: PWTorch.com
December 4 in Charleston, South Carolina
[Q1 – THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. They set the stage for Cena-Masters, with Cena clearly having the deck stacked against him, but Cena was hit-or-miss with his scripted lines.]
We start with a fuzzy video recap of DX’s party planning gone wrong with Edge and Orton taking out Flair. Someone in production watched The Ring over the weekend … Ross and Lawler talked about the big eight-man tag match with DX & Hardys vs. Edge & Orton & MNM.
Cena started the show this week and the screams started. Thousands of females won’t be able to talk in class or at work on Tuesday. Cena’s message tonight is that it’s not the size of the fight in the dog, but the size of the dog in the fight. He played the preacher talking about Umaga to his Bible Belt pulpit. He said Umaga is soft for hiding behind Armando…Alejandro…Estrap-on-some-nuts-because-you-ain’t-got-none. Melina interrupted in a combination maid’s outfit and saloon dancer. She showed a picture of Federline. Cena said that’s why you practice safe sex. Melina stammered through her next few lines about Nitro teaching Federline some moves. Cena asked if she taught Britney how to run around the clubs flashing her crotch. The fans said Melina’s a slut and they wanted the FU. Reasonable. Chris Masters prevented the FU, but Cena easily cleared him. What a goof. Coach decided to crash the segment. He booked Cena in the Masterlock challenge. After Cena tore down Coach, he aired some secret bathroom video of Coach signing “I’m too sexy for my shirt.” Ross equated it to Carlton on Fresh Prince. Now all we need is some Tom Jones on this show. Coach had enough of Cena and booked Cena-Masters in the Masterlock Challenge for the WWE Title. Cena stared at his belt, clearly humbled. Masters laughed. Cena worked himself into a hole again. DX would never find themselves in that situation.
[Q2 – THUMBS DOWN. Sloppy opening match with Cade & Murdoch on the losing end, as usual. Kenny in Team RKO has tremendous potential.]
Edge and Orton were posing with their belts in their locker room. Kenny of the Squad walked in sporting a dress shirt out of the Caldwell Wardrobe. That was a short trip to Louisville. He said he has the brightest future on Raw and he wants in on Team RKO. Edge wanted to know what qualifies him. He told Kenny to prove himself.
Lillian Garcia stood in the ring to talk about Roddy Piper. She talked about Piper having cancer, and she said Piper vowed to make a speedy recovery. A nice gesture. Too bad it took three weeks.
1 — THE HIGHLANDERS vs. CADE & MURDOCH
Cade has the HBK chaps on now and he’s going for the Triple H look with the Michelin Man chest. If you can’t beat DX, steal their gimmick. Murdoch now has a can of chewing tobacco to complete the gimmick. Sloppy spots early on, then Murdoch ran over Rory with a big boot to the face. They went to tight ringside camera shots rather than the hard camera when Robbie took a hot tag. Robbie rolled up Cade for the win.
WINNERS: Highlanders in 4:00. Sloppy match. Murdoch could be the greatest heel on the brand if given a chance. Instead, Cade & Murdoch are killed for a few weeks, then taken off TV, then come back for a fresh start only to re-start the cycle.
[Commercial Break]
[Q3 – THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. The checklist concept is tremendous. Cryme Tyme taking Will Ferrell’s Robert Goulet gimmick not so much.]
WWE Rewind showed Victoria rearranging Candice’s face last week … Maria walked out for a match and Victoria followed out with a clipboard. She had a checklist with Candice checked off, then Maria, Torrie, and Mickie James‘s names. Nice concept.
2 — MARIA vs. VICTORIA
Victoria hit a modified F5 for the win. She then checked off Maria’s name from the checklist. Mickie James ran down to check on Maria, but Victoria cut her off and hit the Widow’s Peak. Ross said Victoria is as popular as Mel Gibson at a Chanukah Celebration. Well, there’s a Michael Richards line in there somewhere.
WINNER: Victoria in 0:30. This “checklist” concept needs to be used more in wrestling, starting immediately. A great idea to give viewers a visual of someone chasing the ultimate prize at the end of the feud.
[Commercial Break]
They cut to a pre-tape of Cryme Tyme at a retirement home. The “director” read a card that said Frederick Gerwitz booked Cryme Tyme to entertain the old folk. The old white folks watched as Shad sang “Reggie the Crackhead” instead of Rudolph the Reindeer. If anything, Shad has a future in the music business. He then did a rendition of “Silent Night,” changing the lyrics to robbing whites and pimping the hos. He re-mixed “Let it Snow” and pointed to the jewelry on each person. Only one lady was bobbing along while the other folks sat stunned. They went outside where the director was indignant. He said they didn’t want someone of Cryme Tyme’s “kind” around this nice place. The white old lady who was bobbing along pulled an “Airplane” and talked jive to the director. She walked off with Cryme Tyme
They showed Todd Grisham hanging out with the midcarders backstage. Hacksaw Duggan and Super Crazy were laughing at the monitor. Benjamin said Cryme Tyme is reinforcing every negative black stereotype. He asked if Crazy has a problem with them setting back race relations twenty years. Benjamin then told Crazy that he would beat him in a match, then send him back to the highway selling fruit. Crazy called him a punk ass. Grisham and Duggan bailed. Duggan didn’t say a thing, but he was the most over person in the segment.
[Q4 – THUMBS DOWN. Shelton in a throwaway match when his athletic ability could be more significantly used on this show.]
[Commercial Break]
Shelton cut a promo on Cryme Tyme in the ring, bashing them for setting a horrible example for black people. The fans were indifferent. Super Crazy came out. Lawler said Cryme Tyme is just having a good time and Benjamin needs to lighten up; not take things too seriously. Yeah, that’s it.
3 — SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. SUPER CRAZY
Lawler with a horribly-fed line. “Super Crazy is really an intelligent man, but he hides it well,” he said. Crazy went for a moonsault at 2:00, but Shelton moved and hit the T-Bone suplex for the win. After the match, Charlie Haas ran into the ring acting like Shelton just won a match that matters. Shelton stared at him wondering if he went off the deep end. Team Angle…well, that’s not going to work…the Houston Wrecking Crew posed in the ring with Haas celebrating.
WINNER: Shelton in 2:00. The writers of this show need to step into a social situation with people of various ethnic backgrounds and translate their eye-opening interaction to this show. Right now, it’s xenophobic 1980.
[Commercial Break]
Chris Masters walked out for the Masterlock Challenge. Ross equated Masters winning the WWE Title to Mark McGwire being in the Hall of Fame. “It wouldn’t be too popular with the fans,” he said. Well, there’s another connection there, but you won’t see Masters speaking before Congress anytime soon. Cena walked out and Ross rattled off a list of historic WWE champions.
[Q5 – THUMBS UP. Great pullapart brawl that the fans were excited for. Two good weeks of building up Cena-Umaga.]
Cena sat down, but he shoved Masters away when he was too frisky with him. Masters locked in the hold and Cena began yelping. Cena began fading, then he put on his best Popeye face and rammed Masters into the turnbuckles. He began to break the hold, but Masters clenched it tighter. Cena then rammed himself and Masters into the referee, who bumped, and the hold broke. Cena then reversed a second Masterlock into a Masterlock of his own. Masters tapped out when the referee came to.
Umaga’s music hit and a brawl ensued in the ring. Referees and officials hit the ring to break up the fight. Armando got in a cheap shot to Cena’s gut, which set off a sweet pullapart brawl. They fought to the announce table and into Ross and Lawler’s laps. Umaga straight decked two rent-a-cops with right hands, then the fight resumed in the ring. They started, stopped, and re-started three times before Armando finally took Umaga to the outside. If this were TNA, they would have trimmed this down to a 30-second brawl, then cut to a backstage promo, then cut back to the ring for a two-minute match, then cut back to a video package. WWE let the fight roll for a few minutes, and it made for great TV.
[Commercial Break]
They recapped the end of the Masterlock Challenge and the pullapart brawl. Ah, reinforcement. Ross said he couldn’t wait for the big heavyweight fight. Lawler said both men have been called to Coach’s office … Torrie Wilson was mixing a drink at catering. Viscera walked up to her and asked about her and Carlito. Torrie didn’t take to his advances of hotel room and room service. More of WWE pushing white vs. black. Carlito walked into the shot and complimented Viscera on his choice of women. Torrie smiled. He then told Viscera to eat healthy, like an apple. He spit the apple in Viscera’s face and walked off. Visc asked or a towel and a random man handed one to him. I thought it was going to be the old pie face. Ron Simmons then emerged. He paused, then said Damn. Just to check, Carlito is the babyface, right?
[Q6 – THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. Solid promo from DX, with them refocused and HBK not playing the slow-in-the-head member of the group. The Carlito-Viscera storyline and match was booked backwards.]
They aired footage of Ric Flair taking a beating last week. Grisham then interviewed DX backstage. HBK said you can’t hold down Ric Flair, and he would be back. Triple H stared hard into the camera with a look of “I will kill someone.” HBK talked glowingly about Flair having an impact on them as youths. HBK said Edge & Orton just made things personal. He said the humiliation they put Flair through last week would not compare to what DX does to them. Hunter glared into the camera and walked off. Great promo.
[Commercial Break]
This Week in Wrestling history is October 9, 2001 for Vengeance when Chris Jericho won the first Undisputed Title. Hey, Kurt Angle is back on WWE TV. Oh, and Steve Austin and The Rock and Earl Hebner.
4 — CARLITO (w/Torrie Wilson) vs. VISCERA
Fat jokes and a Village People comparison to Viscera before the bell even rang. Ross said Viscera has a vociferous appetite for women and groceries. Viscera missed with a splash, then Carlito delivered left hand blows. Scott Hall is currently cringing. Viscera came back with a sideslam, then he went for a splash off the ropes, but Torrie pulled his legs. He dragged her into the ring and Torrie’s top broke. Carlito then knocked Viscera after the distraction and botched two springboard moves for the win. Afterward, Torrie hopped into the ring and hugged Carlito. She gave him a kiss on the lips and Carlito’s hair stood up even higher. He smiled that sheepish Jim on the Office smile.
WINNER: Carlito in 3:00. Again, who is the babyface here? Carlito needing help to win against a heel with no credibility, who the announcers bagged on for three minutes, isn’t a strong endorsement of him as a babyface singles wrestler.
They showed Cena standing in Coach’s office. Armando got in Cena’s face and said Cena and Umaga can’t touch for the rest of the year. Cena grabbed Armando by the throat and threw him down. Coach walked in and stared at Cena choking down Armando. Coach stopped Cena and said he’s tired of everyone disrespecting him. Coach said the stipulation stands that Cena and Umaga cannot touch unless it’s in a match for the rest of 2006. Coach booked Cena-Armando for next week. Armando’s lip quivered.
[Q7 – THUMBS DOWN. Two commercial breaks, Eugene snapping on Venis, and intros. Not much happening.]
[Commercial Break]
They aired a See No Evil DVD promo … Val Venis hosted the Kiss Cam. This show is officially the return of the mid-card jobbers from Heat. Venis asked two ladies in the front row to hop in the ring for the final kiss. Looks like two of Laurinaitis’s cast of thousands that were hired. They did a quick peck and Venis wasn’t pleased with the effort. One of the ladies then tackled the other and it was time for some HLA. Where’s Umaga…er…Jamal to interrupt this? Eugene then interrupted and took the mic. “I want a kiss,” he said. They wouldn’t oblige him. He then confronted one of the ladies, but Venis pulled him away. Eugene smashed Venis in the back, then he beat down Venis while the ladies left the ring. “I’m special!” Eugene screamed as he choked out Venis. Quality television right there, as only WWE can bring you.
[Commercial Break]
They promoted Cena vs. Armando next week. Ross said Coach has to be drunker than Danny Devito to book that match. That would make Coach a “fun drunk” if The View was hosting the show … Edge & Orton walked out, followed by MNM.
[Q8 – THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. Formula four minutes of a multiple-person tag match before cutting to a commercial. Three-minute commercial break. Formula five minutes of a multiple-person tag match after a break.]
The Hardys came out. Oh, look, Jeff Hardy has a shiny belt around his waist. Is that the Intercontinental Title? DX’s music hit. Out came Jay and Silent Bob. They jumped Edge & Orton before the bell rang.
5 — DX (SHAWN MICHAELS & TRIPLE H) & MATT & JEFF HARDY vs. EDGE & ORTON & MNM (MERCURY & NITRO w/Melina)
Hunter bashed Orton into the announce table after the bell rang. He then took it to Orton in the ring. Nitro took a tag and took a beating from Hunter before the Hardys exchanged tags and worked on Nitro. The fans started with an “Eeeedge sucks” chant and finished with a “Randy sucks” chant before cutting to a break. Hunter and HBK snapped a look into the crowd, as if they were half-expecting a “T-N-A” chant.
[Commercial Break. They plugged Lashley-Show for the ECW Title on TV tomorrow night.]
Jeff had control out of the break, but Mercury slammed him into the turnbuckle and the heels took control. Edge tagged in and went to the mat. How do you settle for a resthold in an eight-man tag match? There were random crashing noises off camera to liven up Edge’s groundwork. Orton went for the Ronny Garvin stomp, which has almost become clichéd because there’s no life or conviction behind Orton’s stomps. Jeff came back with the Whisper in the Wind on MNM after slipping off the top. Matt took a tag and the action broke down.
[Q9 – THUMBS DOWN. DX keeping the chase alive for Orton & Edge was fine, but DX killing Kenny sucks.]
Jeff, Matt, and HBK hit simultaneous planchas onto heels on the outside while Hunter took it to Orton in the ring. He gave him a spinebuster, but then Kenny decked HBK with a steel chair after running through the crowd. Hunter went to the outside and ducked a chair shot. He then punched Kenny back into the crowd. Back in the ring, Edge speared Matt and covered him for the win. Ooh. Edge pinned Matt. I’m sure Matt loved hearing that when he was told the finish. After the match, Kenny was left alone in the ring. He took Sweet Chin Music then Hunter gave him the Pedigree. Time for the obligatory South Park reference here. DX just killed Kenny! They couldn’t even give him one week away from the Squad before they cut his legs out. Amazing how short-sighted and narrow-focused this company is sometimes. They ended the show at only three minutes past the top of the hour.
WINNERS: Edge & Orton & MNM in 14:00. Basic multiple-person tag match. They kept the chase alive for DX going after Edge & Orton, which was fine. Killing Kenny was unnecessary and ridiculous. WWE has officially given up on trying to make anyone in the Squad mean anything on this show.
