Impact Wishes: Continuing to Expore the Alternative

Once upon a time I wrote something called RAW Wishes. This was basically a review of the Monday night show with me saying over and over again, “I wish this would happen” or “I wish this guy would do this.” Just a different take on the night’s events, nothing more and nothing less.

While writing this column, NITRO was the dominant wrestling show, but I did warn in one of my columns that if they kept up their crappy storylines, the possibility existed that I could start writing NITRO Wishes…which ultimately happened.

Well, without warning to RAW (because WWE is the only dominant wrestling company in the world right now) I’ve decided to shift my wishlist review to a completely different company. I do not write these TNA wish lists in mockery of the TNA product (though at times I certainly will do that!). On the contrary, I now deem WWE’s product so stale and so cookie-cutter, that I would rather bring one of my favorite parts of TBL back to life by chronicling another promotion’s television show.

In previous RAW and NITRO Wishes, red text was used for rhetorical or random questions. In this version of the wishlists, random or rhetorical questions will be denoted by this orange color. Remember “Quotes of the Night” are at the bottom of this report. Hopefully in the near future I will be able to break down the show by segments as I once did with RAW Wishes.

So without further adieu, I present my inaugural TNA Impact Wishes! Enjoy!

• I wish I hadn’t waited so long to bring back my wish lists! Ha ha ha! I had to get that out of the way…
• I wish that there were more of the Franchise Shane Douglas on TV. I liked his schtick – he was a good wrestler.
• Ha ha ha! I wish I knew either one of these teams! I think this Kazarian character is on one of them.
• Ugh. I wish wrestling promotions would STOP taking commercial breaks in the middle of matches. Completely ruins the whole show for me.
• Wow – as a side commentary, this match is pretty good. Not to belabour the point, but this is definitely a great alternative to what we get on WWE each week.
• And these Naturals – I wish WWE had a team like them! Actually…ummm, let me take that back. The WWE Hollywood Writers would ruin these guys!
• Oooo, a slap by Douglas!
• Not to be a prick, but I wish that there was a different guy in the announce booth besides Mike Tenay. He just sorta creeps me out.
• Has anyone ever looked at how clunky the TNA microphone is? Weird.
• Hmmm, I wonder who this guy is that is popping up behind Jeremy Borash. Odd.
• Oh Good Gracious! I wish that Jeff Jarrett wasn’t one of the main eventers in this promotion. And as he’s standing there with Big Poppa Pump, just for shits and giggles I wish that someone would give Steiner a drug test! Ha ha ha ha!!!
• So let’s see – Mike Tenay just mouthed off to Jeff Jarrett. Is Tenay like a tough guy announcer now?
• Oooo, Christy Hemme. I wish she was naked. Actually, I probably shouldn’t include this one in the final print out…
• So, we’re about twenty minutes into the show and I’m content. I’m also pretty excited about the fact that there are only forty minutes left in the show – that means I get to go to sleep soon!
• On the subject of sleep, I wish these little brat kids outside my window would go the hell home! Come on! They’ve been outside downstairs literally screaming for the last hour. I know it’s summer vacation, but come on! This may make a good JerseySmarts.com entry…
• I wish I had a DVR so I could go to record TNA Impact and watch it the next day. I’m getting old – staying up late just isn’t working for me any more!
• Eye Spy Papparazzi Broadcasting, huh? I wish I knew what this was all about. Though I do see Kevin Nash…
• Madagascar, eh? Interesting…
• Ah, this Rhino character is back. The “War Machine” is what they call him. I wish that he didn’t waste his time with that stupid promo against WWECW last week. What a waste of time.
• Oooo! A TNA jobber! I wish that Robert Adams was someone else!
• Good Lord! Did you see the Gore on Robert Adams by Rhino? Geez! Kill the man why don’t you!?!?
• This Samoa Joe cat is pretty cool. He’s a good wrestler. He wears his trunks too high to hide the fact that he’s gigantic, but that’s neither here nor there.
• Wow, Rhino needs work on the live mike. Yuch!
• Team 3D… Brother Ray, Brother D-Von, and Brother Runt. Come on, man. This gimmick has been done to the, uhhh, extreme, if you will.
• So the Dudley Boys are going to take a “break,” huh? I wish I knew what that means…
• I will give Bubba credit for acknowledging the team’s history with ECW and WWE – good for him for that.
• America’s Most Wanted and Gail Kim…interesting collection of people. Who exactly are America’s Most Wanted, actually?
• Hold on – gotta call the cops on these kids outside. This is out of control. It’s like they’re having a party or something.
• Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Only in Ocean Township will the police give you an attitude on the phone when you call in a complaint! Ahh, gotta love it…
• Ah! Styles and Daniels! Now I wish that these two were actually wrestling instead of flapping their gums.
• Dude…Konnan is in TNA? And wait, did he just call someone overrated?!? Ah, the former WCW Mexican Heavyweight Champion of the World (makes no sense if you think about it) is calling someone overrated?
• I wish that Konnan wasn’t constantly doing this “Damn you Gringoes” thing.
• Oh, there’s more Mexicools in this little gang? Great…
• Good Lord! Whatever that was that they just did to Styles in the ring could have broken that guy’s neck!

• Signing the contract in blood? This was the stuff you used to see in WWE.
• This Borash guy would be a lot better if he was Christy Hemme.
• Larry Zybsyco has a wig. I wish I knew what this man’s career was coming to.
• Some guy is talking on the screen here. Booby Rood? Seems to be threatening everyone on the TNA roster. Eh, I wish I knew something about this guy. Looks pretty generic to me – long hair, goatee, mild build. Blah.
• You gotta love a World Heavyweight Championship match on free TV. I wish that 99% of these matches didn’t end in the standard Champion-wins-everytime scenario, but hey, what are you going to do, right?
• Oh man, I wish that the NWA World Title looked a little more respectable! I know the history of the belt and I know that I don’t like the WWE spinner belt, but that thing wrapped around Jarrett’s waste is sorta lame.
• So the backstage interviewer is the main event ring announcer?
• Jay Lethal is from Elizabeth, New Jersey? That’s pretty cool – I’m from about thirty minutes from there…so that sorta makes me like the number one contender for the NWA World Title, right?
• Ha ha ha ha! That referee flew like a mile to get in position to make the count.
• And hey, how refreshing is it see a no-name like Jay Lethal just immediately start beating the piss out of the “King of the Mountain?” I wish that the “Worldwide Leader in Sports Entertainment” would take a cue from this.
• I wish Scott Steiner would get that stupid thing off his head. Who ever told him that it looked good? He looks stupid.
• AHHH!!! I HATE COMMERCIAL BREAKS IN THE MIDDLE OF MATCHES! I wish that ALL wrestling companies would stop this shit!
• And we’re back – and all of a sudden Jeff Jarrett is in control of the match. would have LOVED to have seen how that happened…
• Dude, Jarrett just back body dropped that guy about twenty feet in the air. Ridiculous.
• This Lethal guy is pretty good. I wish that all title contenders showed the type of drive that this kid has.
• Oooo! That was almost a three count! I wish we saw more of those on that other wrestling show on Monday nights… and Tuesday nights… and Friday nights… and the occasional Saturday night…
• Ah, same screw job ending that you’d get in a WWE match. I wish that TNA had a better way to end their matches than that. Booooo!
• Lights out, huh? I wish that that gimmick was as impactful as it used to be. Sting coming out? That’s ok with me.
• Ah – a little show recap, huh? Nice. I wish that RAW had enough highlights that they could do a recap at the end of the show!
• There’s Christian! I wish that there were more of him on the show! He’s the man. I miss watching him and his Captain Charismaness on RAW. Big fan of Christian.
• I hope that you enjoyed the first ever TNA Impact Wishes!

Quotes of the Night:
“Shut the front door!” – Kevin Nash exclaiming what was a popular teenage catchphrase about a decade ago.

“We need you to behave yourself.” – Brother Ray to Spike Dudley in what can only be a reignition of this stupid inter-Dudley feud that didn’t work in ECW or WWE.

Thanks for reading my first TNA Impact Wishes. My e-mail address is listed below (I respond to all e-mails sent). In addition, please feel free to submit your own wishes via the Feedback Form listed below. You could have them included in the next wish list!

– Joe Vincent
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