Written By: Sam Jerry
ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE
BY SAMJERRY
“JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK TO YOUR INBOX”
OR
“WILL THE REAL SAMJERRY PLEASE STAND UP, I CAN’T GET A GOOD SHOT”
VISIT MY WEB SITE: http://members.aol.com/samjerry
The prodigal writer ha returned … like he was missed. I could give you a list of reasons why I haven’t written much lately, but you’ve heard all that BS before: “The dog ate my Article; I was robbed my masked gunmen and they stole my wallet, it had all my notes in it; My wife didn’t pay my AOL Bill, so I lost my Internet connection; etc., etc. I haven’t written because I’ve been too F’N lazy to sit down and do it. I am writing this epistle because some of my “fans” have been on me like a fly on fresh horsie pucks. Why? I haven’t a clue. It certainly isn’t because they couldn’t live without reading about the latest doings in Beautiful Downtown Lower Dudleyville … or is it? Hmmmm. But I digress (notice all the dollar and a quarter words I’ve leaned since I last bored you)? I’ve got it … I haven’t been writing because I’ve been taking an on-line course in dollar and a quarter words. See, I knew there was a good reason. But I digress yet again … With so much going on in wrestling, I thought I’d give you my thoughts. I’ll call it “The State Of The Union,” a phrase I’m sure will catch on.
RAW: After what seems like an eternity and a half of pure crap, RAW seems to have gotten the message. The past three (or was it only two) RAW’s have been interesting. The WWE discovered something new to do … it’s call Wrestling. Now I know that’s a subject that must seem alien to you, but never-the-less, that’s what has happened. Among the positives: DX is back and providing a laugh or two, that plus there have been some decent matches that were worth watching. It wouldn’t be The Emperor’s Domain if there weren’t a couple of speed bumps (actually, Grand Canyon sized holes). He revived his much loved “Kiss My Ass Club.” That should be taken out, cleaned, pressed and burned. It might have been funny once or twice, but now it’s a sure snoozer. Then he gave us The Spirit Squad, five dildos playing high school cheerleaders: Dudley Do-Right, Elmer Fudd, Alvin The Chip monk, Archie and Jughead. They have had more air time than anyone, except The Crotch …. and we all know how wonderful he is. Word to the Unwise: Dump these Dorks, the sooner the better.
SmackDown: I remember this as being a spin off from RAW, creating a second “Brand.” That may have been the original idea, but I think SmackDown went off the air about four months ago; certainly that pile of rancid Dirtbag Doophus Page we are getting isn’t from The WWE. While he is a great wrestler, The Masked Man from San Diego has less business than I do at being “Heavyweight” Champion. If there were a Cruiserweight or Light-Heavyweight Title, he certainly deserves it, but not World (or whatever they are calling it this week) Champion. We haven’t seen The Dead Human since The Great Cauliflower made him a wet spot in the middle of the ring. They “lost” Our American Olympic Hero/Zero to ECW and along with it, the last vestige (another dollar and a quarter word I learned) of respectability. It may be too late to save SmackDown, even with the return of The Next, Next Big Thing in about a month.
ECW: If you were a fan of the original ECW like me, you know there is a difference. In fact, the fans at a House Show earlier this week at the old ECW Arena booed and chanted that this wasn’t ECW. Guys, turn the light switch on … there will never be another “ECW” as we knew it. Let’s take what we got with many of our old favorites and hope it becomes closer, but it will take time. We have Paul E. Shithook, Genius, (The greatest wrestling mind in captivity, with the Business sense of Homer Simpson) “running” the show (Yeah, I know he’s playing a role), so it can only get better. We have RVD as Champion (and we can only hope that he stuffs See-Not into his own rectal orifice at Vengeance), Tommy Dreamer, The Sandman, and many more. This certainly beats not having ECW, doesn’t it? Hell, it’s already 185% better than SmackDown. Hang in there and cut them some slack.
Last, and most certainly least, we have TNA. I say that not because I’m a WWE fan, but because I believe it. They have two of the best wrestlers in the world: A. J. Styles and Samoa Joe. Samoa Joe is unbeaten since he arrived, and they are smart enough not to be playing his streak the way WCW played The Bald Superman. After that, they are top heavy with WWE castoffs and malcontents (The Boyz not withstanding), wannabe’s, never wases and retreads. As long as Jeffrey Jarrett is Champion, almost Champion, just Champion, or anything associated with being Champion, TNA will always be a second rate operation scraping after The WWE’s leftovers. He is a lifetime mid-carder and now that he has a financial interest in TNA, he is Top Dog, whereas he belongs in the Dog Pound. Christian was unhappy in The WWE, shows up in TNA and almost immediately wins The Championship? They wake Sting up from his afternoon nap at The Shady Acres Rest Home For Very Old Wrestlers and he goes to the head of the line? They bring in Jim Cornette, a good manager, and make him Director of All That Happens? TNA started out with a good Game Plan (not counting Jarrett), and seem to have forgotten it. It looks like a new Plan evolves every other week. Hmmm, sounds like The WWE when they were eating WCW’s scraps, and WCW when they were on the brink of the Big Dirt Nap.
One more thing, it’s that time of the year again. The time that every red blooded American 15 year old marks on his calendar. What is it? It’s the announcement of the Diva Search Finalists. If things hold true, this will lead to weeks of voting until we finally have a winner of the $250,000 (or whatever small fortune The Emperor is giving away this year). The winner will be around about 6-8 months and although the 15 year olds are drooling over her, will be fired. At the same time some of the losers will have signed contracts and end up with permanent (whatever that amount to) jobs. The eight Finalists have been selected, so we can expect to see them real soon. They are:
*Jennifer Walcott – Any relation to Jersey Joe? If so, does she have cauliflower ears?Bet on her in any cat fight that breaks out
*J.T. Tinney – Always suspicious of girl who uses initials not her name; maybe she was born John Thomas, and now she goes by Joan Thomasina, but don’t want it to be obvious, but listed an appearance on The Jerry Springer Show on her resume.
*Rebecca DiPietro – “DiPietro?” Wasn’t she a loser from last years search, although some of the past “losers,” who were later hired, made some of the winners look like John Thomas.
*Milena Roucka – Obviously a phony name, probably a blonde who thinks 2006 is the Millenia. “Roucka?” Isn’t that the name of some Romanian pastry?
*Jen England – Doesn’t she play in the WNBA? or is it the NBA? I could swear she was listed among the Top Ten Rebounders. It could have been the World Cup. Oh well.
*Layla El – Yeah right, a real name! How about “East” El Lay? If she comes out wearing a Red or Blue Bandana, I suggest you vote for her; your family will thank you for it (this doesn’t include ex-wives).
*Amy Zidian – Sounds like a stage name at a Vegas Men’s Club. If she asks for a Pole when they introduce her to demonstrate her talent, that’ll cinch it.
*Maryse Ouellet – If she isn’t the newest member of The Mounties, or whatever name Jacques and Rene were using in their last days together, Ill be the second most surprised person in Beautiful Downtown Lower Dudleyville, behind Grandpa Dudley.
There you have it; The State of The Union. After reading this, you may be sorry I decided to write and want me to blend in with the woodwork again. As usual, I am here to answer your questions. If you don’t hear back in two or three months, contact your ISP and tell them you are losing mail. They’ll treat you as well as your Cellular Phone Provider when you bitch about dropped calls.
