Hello and welcome once again to The Trademark Rants. We’re about half-way through the year, which means that it’s about time for the 2006 Half-Time Report, brought to you by the letters W, W, & E, and the number 4 (the number of years TNA has been in business). So, with the promotional consideration out of the way, let’s get on with the report, shall we?
Let’s start with one of the biggest stories of early 2006 –
New Year’s Revolution. John Cena has just survived a hellacious Elimination Chamber match when it’s announced that Cena’s night wasn’t over yet. Out comes Edge to cash in his Money In The Bank contract, and within minutes, defeats Cena to claim his first WWE Championship. Immediately, Edge’s status in the WWE went from #2 heel behind Triple H to WWE’s Top Guy, tossing Triple H’s relevance as a heel out the window, and becoming the most watched WWE champion of the past five years, including all the years Triple H was shoved down our throats as the top guy of WWE. John Cena, who had been getting booed up to this point, was finally starting to get cheered again, as finally, WWE had found the right heel and the right formula to make a baby face Cena work. Three weeks later, politics and pre-determined WrestleMania plans (which, for some God-Forsaken reason, could not be changed no matter what) saw Edge drop the title back to Cena at the Royal Rumble. Suddenly, Cena got booed again, this time, even more than he had ever been before. The hatred that was once only reserved for Jeff Jarrett in TNA was now being showered upon John Cena, all because Triple H couldn’t have a non-Main Event match at WrestleMania 22. After all, who really benefited from the transitional title reign of Edge? Certainly not Edge, who was right back to working secondary programs with over-the-hill and retired performers almost immediately, and certainly not John Cena, who has been booed without mercy for months following his victory over Edge at the Rumble. Meanwhile, Triple H gets his Main Event match at WrestleMania. Triple H gets cheered in Chicago. Triple H scoops up all the heat that was supposed to be Cena’s, and now, Triple H is not only the top good guy of RAW, but the talk of the internet AGAIN. Who benefits? You tell me.
It’s been clear for years that Triple H has power. How much, and how he uses it is often speculated, but there is no doubt that Triple H has much more power behind-the-scenes than most wrestlers could ever hope for. As a member of the McMahon family, it’s understandable how the WWE might trust Triple H to do things they couldn’t trust other people to do. Every promoter has that one guy in the locker room they are close enough to know they can trust them to do a certain job at a certain level in order to further a storyline or get another wrestler over. That person is also usually near the top of the card, and is often the focus of major angles. That happens. But there is also a responsibility on that wrestler’s part to do what is best for the company, not themselves. Unfortunately, not everyone in the industry is a giving soul who is willing to sacrifice their own spot on a card in order to help a business. There are egos in wrestling, much like in Hollywood and other professional sports. Everyone wants to be a star, and few of those who become stars are willing to give up their spot as the focus of a show or a franchise in order for others to shine. Not everyone is Ron Howard, who realized the popularity of the Fonzie character early on, and had no problem with the producers of Happy Days giving Henry Winkler a more prominent spot on Happy Days, a show that was meant to center around Ron’s character, Richie Cunningham. And, in the frankest sense I can muster, Triple H is no Ron Howard. If you couldn’t tell by his feuds with Kane, Booker T, Kurt Angle or Chris Jericho (just to name a few of the promising talents H has squashed in an attempt to maintain his top spot), you can see H’s influence of power on the Edge/John Cena debacle that took place back in January, and you can see it now as Triple H’s DX Reunion angle dominates over the ECW Invasion. There are even reports that randy Orton was brought to RAW simply because Triple H did not want to work a program with Edge, RAW’s current top heel. Randy Orton, who has his suspension cut short, who has been allegedly sexually harassing the Divas, who has a known history of professional misconduct… The power of Triple H, indeed. You might not see Triple H being a problem, but when you reward someone who sexually harasses your employees and has a history of professional misconduct within your company just to appease Triple H, you have to really wonder if Triple H is the kind of person you can trust to think of what’s best for your business, rather than what’s best for his own ego. Think of it as your money and your company on the line, then tell me how great Triple H has been for business lately.
It sure does seem that way, sometimes, doesn’t it? Cena shows up in Chicago for WrestleMania, and they give him a vocal hazing the likes of which only Jeff Jarrett gets these days. Meanwhile, the crowd at ECW’s One Night Stand chanted everything from “Die, Cena, Die” to “You Can’t Wrestle”. There is the occasion where Cena goes to a town and doesn’t get the sh*t booed out of him, but, for the most part, there is a fan unrest around John Cena. Smarks hate him because he doesn’t fit Dave Meltzer’s criteria of what “good wrestling” is. Most men over the age of 13 hate him because their girlfriends love him. Meanwhile, children and women (for the most part) love the hell out of John Cena, and Cena’s merchandise continues to outsell everyone else’s. So, while smarks don’t like him, and jealous guys don’t like him, Cena makes money, which is the important thing. People have to remember that wrestling is a business, and businesses are about making money, not putting technically sound guy #1 against technically sound guy #2 in an hour-long Iron Man Of Honor match. If you want that, WWE isn’t your promotion. Kids won’t watch it. Your girlfriends will think it, and you, are f*cking stupid, and, according to all known numbers, it doesn’t draw on anywhere near the same level John Cena does. In the end, the John Cena backlash is due mainly to the fact that some “no-talent hack” is making more money for a company than the entire ROH locker room COMBINED, and it pisses smarks off. As far as I’m concerned, all the fans that bitch about Cena being a bad wrestler and whatnot can kiss John Cena’s ass! But that’s just my opinion.
Earlie in the year, we almost got to see Lita‘s exposed boob on National TV. We who watched RAW on USA didn’t get to see it, but many who had a live sattleite feed sure got to see it. And if you didn’t catch it live, you could see it on the Internet within minutes. Obviously, Lita thought that she could get away with going topless on live TV and not have her boob exposed. At this rate, you’d think someone who worked on LIVE TELEVISION for several yeas now would know better. Lita didn’t, much to the delight of horny fans boys. But that was instance #1. The only reason I mention it is because she was in the banner, and it was easier to have Girls Gone Censored rather than try to get rid of the “s” in the GGW logo and make this all about Mickie. After all, Lita’s boob was nice, but certainly not enough, on it’s own, to warrant a spot on a half-time report. 2006 hasn’t been THAT bad, after all…
Someone is going to wonder why I’m taking the time to bitch about this, but I think I ought to. WrestleMania 22, and what, I feel, was the best showing of Women’s Wrestling on a NATIONAL LEVEL since Wendi Ricther beat Lelani Kai for the WWF Ladies’ Championship at WrestleMania I, Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James, was severely hacked to pieces upon its release on DVD. Not only was the Vaginal Claw spot edited, Mickie sharing the universal sign of cunnilingus with the Chicago fans, and the botched Stratus-faction cut out, but they cut something like a minute and a half out of the match itself. The whole transition between the vaginal claw, the hand gesture, Trish selling the claw, Trish with a short comeback before Mickie went for the Stratus-faction, then the spot gone wrong itself, you have nearly a minute and a half of match, gone from the DVD. Say what you will, considering several of you reading have such little respect for female wrestlers that you’d sh*t on an entire match because of one blown spot, but not do the same for a men’s match of the same overall quality, but even if you hated this match, don’t you feel that the entire match deserved to be featured on the DVD? I do. After all, I’m the one who shelled out $30 to get it. I hate it when wrestling promotions cut matches down on their DVDs. I hated it when TNA did it for the Christopher Daniels DVD, I hated it when WWE cut out half of the Piper’s Pit segment from WrestleMania V for the WrestleMania Collection DVD set, and I f*cking hate how WWE cut out nearly a minute and a half of Trish/Mickie for the WrestleMania 22 DVD, yet still had room for that sh*tty Saturday Night’s Main Event and a crap-tacular battle royal that saw Viscera beat out a bunch of losers and MNM before WrestleMania even started. Oh, sorry if I spoiled it for you. I know that so many of you were looking forward to that DVD-only battle royal, too (note heavy use of sarcasm here).
Okay, so Rey Mysterio wins the Royal Rumble after the Ghost of Eddie Guerrero gives him the #2 entry. Then, Rey loses his WrestleMania spot to Randy Orton at No Way Out. Then, Rey is given a title shot anyway, and competes in a triple threat match against Orton and Kurt Angle for the World Title at WrestleMania. Rey somehow wins this match, then goes on to get pinned by everyone and their mother as champion. Am I the only one thinks that the Ghost of Eddie Guerrero was trying to STOP Rey Mysterio from becoming champion, and thus, trying to save us from one of the most poorly-booked underdog championship reigns ever? I get that Rey is supposed to look like an underdog, but the way Rey has been booked, he’s not so much an underdog as he is a fluke. One of these days, Rey’s luck will run out, andRey may never again be taken seriously as a contender to the World Title. Some may see it as Instant Karma for Rey selling out and agreeing to do the “Do It For Eddie” angle to get a World Title run, but if Karma was really that instant, don’t you think that Triple H would have gotten bit in the ass by now? Or, is H nailing Karma’s daughter, too? The world may never know…
Few things have been as over-the-top ridiculous this year as McMahon’s feud with God. From creating his own religion, McMahonism, to spitting Holy Water, to presenting “God” as a beam of light, this angle was just funny for all the wrong reasons. I still think McMahon should have been pinned by the beam of light. It would have been the perfect end to an angle that will surely show up on WrestleCrap.com one of these days. Not to say that this angle should have happened, but, as I’ve said before, if you’re going to go for the joke, just go for it. Don’t puss out. WWE pussed out on the joke, and the angle, which wasn’t great to begin with, turned out a whole lot worse in the end. Besides, who in their right minds are going to believe that God would do the job to Vince McMahon? Triple H, maybe, but certainly not Vince!
I’m not sure what to make of Bobby Lashley. He’s certainly a better worker than the guy most of us were comparing him to when he first debuted, Monty Brown, but I’m not really sold on how great Lashley is yet. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like Lashley’s recent push is a direct result of the depleted SmackDown roster, who, as we speak, are losing more and more stars to injury and ECW. I don’t know. I’m just not totally on board with this yet. I doubt he’d be getting over like this on RAW. I’m not even sure he’d look this good on RAW. I’m not ready to believe Lashley is worth the hype yet. At least, not until something is done about the lack of stars on SmackDown.
ECW’s One Night Stand was easily one of the best shows WWE has put on this year. ECW’s debut on Sci-Fi was, well… Not. Where do I begin? Do I start with the Zombie? How about the fact Justin Credible, a former ECW Champion, is jobbing in a squash match to “Mr. New Vision of ECW” Kurt Angle? Or, maybe I should just say what we all know to be true, which is that this was exactly what we feared it would be, a bullsh*t WWE show. In my last column, I said this about ECW –
“If the first match we see on an ECW shows comes off looking like a warm-up match on Velocity, that in itself will do more to kill the brand in fans eyes than anything else. It doesn’t mean the show won’t last, or the brand won’t keep chugging along despite it all, but it will mean that the ECW we loved, the ECW we’re hoping to get, is dead.”
So, what was the first match on ECW On Sci-Fi last Tuesday? The Zombie vs. The Sandman in a squash match. The only difference between this and a squash match between a pseudo-star and some jobber on Velocity was they Sandman had a Singapore Cane. That’s it. And that, right there, did more to harm ECW than anything else they did that night. Sure, there was a lot of bad things that happened on the show, but none of them did half the damage that first squash match did. The ECW we knew, the one we loved, is dead. This new ECW will last, though.
Okay, bitch all you want, but it’s true. ECW pulled a 2.7 (or a 2.8, depending on your source). Even if there is a drop-off in the audience because of the sh*t show they put on last Tuesday, it won’t drop below a 2.0. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the show continued to draw close to the same numbers they got last week. ECW was expected to pull a 1.0. They got a 2.8, far exceeding the expectations of almost everyone, including the internet and Sci-Fi, who’s apparently now in love with their new wrestling show. Hell, ECW is pulling a better rating than SmackDown is right now, and everyone wants to say the “new” ECW brand will be dead in 11 weeks? I get how the Internet likes to be all doom and gloom, but really, ECW on Sci-Fi was nothing more than a bad show, and WWE has been making bad shows for years now. Meanwhile, those bad show still manage to outperform their closest competition (TNA), as well as their most well-known former competition (WCW) in the worst of times. TNA thrives more on WWE’s incompetence than its own performance, yet TNA still can’t outperform the crap show that was ECW on Sci-Fi. You want to worry about ECW not lasting? Please. When TNA starts pulling 2.0 ratings every week and takes Jeff Jarrett out of TNA for good (based on the reactions Jarrett gets, it’s clear that his presence on TV does more to harm TNA than help it), then you can start worrying about ECW going off the air. Until then, just worry about how bad the show is going to be, because it’s not going anywhere. Or start watching TNA. Either way, don’t worry about losing the “new” ECW, at least, not yet.
People are all up in arms about Kevin Nash killing the X-Divison. This is also the most press the X has gotten in nearly two years. Why? Ask Jeff Jarrett and Dixie Carter. They’re the ones who have either de-emphasized the X-Divison, or hired the schmucks who’s done the de-emphasizing in the past couple years. From Dusty Rhodes’ love of guys like Phi-Delta Slam and the Harris Brothers to Jarrett’s love affair with himself and the belt, the booking in TNA over the past few years has done more to undermine the X-Division than anything else. We began to see a turn-around when Scott D’Amore was Head Booker. The X was given more time to shine, and Jarrett was out of the spotlight, allowing fans to once again take an interest in the heavyweight division as well. Unfortunately, most of D’Amore’s run was during the time when TNA was without a weekly television show, broadcasting via the Internet while TNA tried desperately to stay alive and find a new network. I’ve said it before – leaving FSN was a huge gamble for TNA, one that shouldn’t have paid off. TNA got lucky with Spike TV, and going in, had a strong creative direction and a show that people were, once again, talking about. Then, Jarrett’s ego took over, and we lost it all again. Now, Kevin Nash and his ego is burying the X-Division. It’s also one of the rare moments of entertaining television wrestling promotions broadcast these days. So go ahead and whine all you want. The X-Division’s Last Stand might be bad on many levels, but it’s also one of the few things working on all cylinders on TNA’s broadcasts right now, so why don’t you just try to sit back, let yourself be entertained, and hope to God above that Nash doesn’t just kill the X-Divison outright. After all, the way TNA has treated the X in the last couple years, it might as well be on life support.
ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!!! Okay, so I mark. Sue me. Much like The X-Divison’s Last Stand is one of the rare angles burning on all cylinders for TNA, King Booker is one of the rare angles burning on all cylinders for SmackDown. Booker has embraced the “king” role, and has even acquired himself a “court” in William Regal and Fit Finlay. It just works in all the right ways, and hopefully, WWE will be smart enough to keep the King and his court together for a while, and capitalize on the uncanny chemistry of these men, who seemingly got thrown together as a last-minute booking decision. After all, who in their right minds would have thought that Booker, Regal, Finlay, Sharmell, and The Leprechaun would make an entertaining stable?
Speaking of Finlay, the Leprechaun is turning out not to be nearly as bad as many of us had anticipated. Given, the “little bastard” is comedy spot, but it’s a comedy spot done well. For one, Finlay doesn’t seem to like the guy very much, treating him more like an attack dog than a person. Second, the little guy will attack anyone, including Finlay’s allies. It’s more like mini-Finlay than anything else, with Fit playing the “Dr. Evil” role in the relationship. When I first heard about this, I felt bad for Finlay, especially when I found out that this was more or less John Laurnitis getting back at Finlay for going over his head to McMahon about getting back into the ring, but to Finlay’s credit, he’s making this ridiculous concept work for him. Once again, Finlay sticks it to Johnny Ace, and for that, I love it.
In 2002, when Triple H attacked Shawn Michaels in the middle of what was supposed to be a DX reunion, I told the world, in this very column, that I was glad DX was dead. I even went so far as to compare the upcoming Triple H/HBK feud as a fight between divorcing parents that you knew hated being with each other. The divorce sucks, but you know that things will be better now that they’re getting out of each other’s lives. That was my parents’ divorce, and probably one of the better things that happened to me in my life, in the long run. My parents hated each other, and, seeing H and Shawn Michaels go at it, the comparison made sense at the time.
The strange thing is, I still feel this way. I want DX to stay dead. I’m 25 years old now, and I’ve grown up since DX debuted in 1997. DX was something I loved when I was in High School, but I’m not in High School anymore. I don’t get off on telling people to “suck it”. I’d rather say “f*ck you”. It’s a little more direct. I don’t want to see DX anymore. Not the old DX. Not a tamer DX. Not a Christian DX. Not any DX. DX died, and when I grew up, I didn’t love it anymore. Shawn Michaels admitted to lying about his role in Montreal, and then, spent the next four years changing his story again, and again, and again. You think I’m going to buy Shawn Michaels as a Christian if he’s chopping his crotch and telling me to suck it? No way. Then again, at this point, I know better than to believe anything HBK says. And what about Triple H? Do I need to repeat what I said in this very column several paragraphs back, or can I trust you enough to scroll up and reference that information yourself. In 1997, I respected Shawn, and Hunter was just fun. Now, HBK is a lying hypocrite, and Triple H is among the most manipulative people in the wrestling business today. Mark all you want for DX. Have fun with it while you can, because you know it won’t last. One of the egos aren’t going to like it for long and want out. If Shawn is half as religious as he says he is, it’ll be him, but I have a feeling it’ll be Hunter. After all, once H gets over as a face, what the hell is he going to need DX for? DX is a launching pad, a way to guarantee fans will accept a baby face Triple H. It’s not meant to be paramagnet, and I’m not about to jump on board DX Version 2K6 when I know it’s not going to last.
And that, kids, is the halftime report. This is Mike Johns, hoping 2006 brings about more entertaining moments and highlights we’ll remember for years to come.
Oh, and by the way, I made all the banners for today’s column myself. Yay me!
