Written By: Al Boo Boo
Ohhh. Awww. Nice Graphic. Made it Myself. Because even strongbad reads FNW.
This weeks is a really differant one. I enjoyed writing it, so hopefully you dont look at it as just another ECW column.
Hopefully
Featuring Joey Styles and Taz
Joey – Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to this exclusive E.C.W. webcast, provided right here…on ECW.com. Coming off of the first telecast of the New and, um, Imroved? ECW show on the Sci-Fi network, and what a show it was.
Taz – Oh yeaaah Joey. It was a real can’t miss. Because you know…Zombies, Vampires, and a gang of Tiny Italians are REALLY extreme Joey. Oh and not to mention that 10-year-old in the front row crying to his mommy “Where’s Mysterio??!! And why is this man spitting beer on me?”
Joey – Well Taz, ECW has had its time of uncertainty before, and I’m pretty sure we can overcome this and rise to be the ECW of old.
Taz – If we spew out the rotting, fly-infested, piece of shit show we put on last week, no one will even watch.
Joey – Aha! You hit the nail right on the head there Taz. People need to watch the show, in order for us to go on. We pulled out a strong rating this week, but let’s be honest, it was the first show, and we did have the help of big names such as FORMER WWE champion John Cena, and “The Rated R Superstar” Edge.
Taz – But what will happen when Daddy Vince let’s go of our hands and let’s us be big boys and we have to tie our own shoe-laces and walk across the street without any help?
Joey – Cute analogy Taz…But you raise a good question. What will happen when this is just ECW. No more WWE “superstars.” And all we have is ECW Wrestlers, and in turn, have our own set of fans. We already have a strong, stable fan base. But North Philly doesn’t have enough people to make us draw ratings like we did last week again. So what to do? Well that’s why we are here today.
Taz – Uh, ok. Explain.
Joey – You see Taz, by the viewer already tuning in to our Webcast here on ECW.com, they have already shown they care for ECW. What we intend to do is convince them to go our there and spread the Gospel of ECW. And if they’re not a fan, and have just stumbled along this while searching for porn…
Taz – Whoa Joey…how in the hell could you connect ECW with porn?
Joey – A – Everything on the internet is connected to porn.
And B – The Other ECW
Taz – The Other ECW? What the hell? What Other ECW?
Joey – Extreme Cunnilingus Workouts…Duh…
Taz – Da f***? Never heard.
Joey – Oh boy. It’s like when your eat…
Taz – WHOA THERE JOEY! This is a family show…Whispering tell me later…
Joey – Moving along. This program can also came the casual fan, become a hardcore, No pun intended, well, yeah it was, anyway, a Hardcore fan of ECW.
Taz – And how do you expect to do that Mr. Smarty Styles.
Joey – We’re going to tell you exactly why you should.
Taz – That’s it? That’s you and Heyman’s master plan?
God, you guys really have lost the touch.
Joey – It’s ingenious Taz. What a better way to gain fans by doing what ECW does best, promoting our own product, and talking shit about the compition?!
Taz – Oh, well I didn’t know about the trash talking part. Nice. The creativity is showing a little bit of promise now.
Joey – I thought you’d like that. Anyway…what we’ll do today is compare and contrast. Show you something they do on WWE’s flagship Raw, WWE’s ugly sister Smackdown…and compare them to us, WWE’s adopted Ethiopian child…ECW. You ready Taz?
Taz – Ready as a heart attack.
Joey – That’s not how that expression is used…
Taz – Yeah I know. It’s like…When in Rome ya’know?
Joey – Riiiighht. Anyway. Let’s get it started with WWE’s supposed “B” Show, Smackdown.
Taz – yeah, if getting a B was that easy, I’d be a Harvard Graduate.
Joey – Where did you go to college Taz?
Taz – The school of hard knocks.
Joey – Rolling his eyes Oh your tough.
Taz – I’ll choke you out, Toothpick!
Joey – With what? The Rolls of your man titties?
Taz – Shutup, Bitch-stick.
Joey – I digress…Let’s get this thing started with Smackdown.
Joey – TV that’s changing Friday Nights my ass. The only thing their changing, is 10 year old bedtimes. You were there Taz, Why don’t you tell us a bit about it.
Taz – you know Joey. For awhile there, Smackdown was on top. We were the number 1 wrestling show in the world, but then plagues of injuries, and unwanted hosses, and we went straight to the bottom. Almost like we did it on purpose.
Joey – And that’s how most drowning promotions do when they know they’re going down. Things just seem to pile up, and it’s almost unbearable, although sad, to watch.
But that’s all the more reason to watch US here on Tuesday nights. Ten to Eleven. But let’s get down to the specifics. Taz, Gimme 3 good reasons why Smackdown is worse than ECW.
Taz – Will do, Joey. Reason Number 3.
Our Segments and Promo’s. You see, when you turn into Smackdown, you get two things…
Joey – Oh and Taz, Don’t you forget about –
Taz – Good call Styles. You see, when you tune into Smackdown, your forced to listen to at least 30 minutes of “UGGGGGH…BLAAAAAH…I KILL PEOPLE AS BIG AS MY LEFT LEG!!! UGGGGGGH!.”
Joey – You may say to yourself, ” But guys, don’t forget about the Zombie that delivered a promo at the ECW Debut.
But you see, when our “WRESTLERS” ramble like idiots, it makes sense. And its damn funny. This guy is a Zombie, of course he’s going to grunt and moan. That is why he was named MEP by myself. MEP of course stands for “Most Extreme Player.” This is an award I will give out every week, here’s theis weeks clip…
Effective with the world premiere of ECW on Sci Fi, ECW.com has asked me to choose a weekly ECW MVP (Most Valuable Player) or, in my words, an ECW MEP (Most Extreme Player).
Joey Styles – (This is actually real) This week’s ECW M.E.P. is without question The Zombie. The Zombie’s riveting entrance, intensity and pre-match interview embodied everything I have come to expect from sports-entertainment.
The Zombie immediately made this lifelong wrestling fan conjure up images of such other sports-entertainment greats as Max Moon, The Goon and The Gobbledygooker. Unfortunately, former 5-time ECW World Heavyweight Champion, The Sandman, did not find The Zombie nearly as entertaining as did I and summarily caned the undead sports-entertainer repeatedly before quickly pinning The Zombie after his signature White Russian Leg Sweep.
Runner-up honors go to new ECW “exhibitionist,” Kelly, who I deemed ineligible when she failed to unhook her bra.
You see, The Great Khali may not speak English, but what’s stopping him from speaking Indian or whatever language he speaks
Taz – You sure are Joey. Them guys on Smackdown are just incapable all-around.
Joey – Which brings me to my next point. Un-used talent. It’s not that Smackdown lacks the roster power to be a good show, it’s that they don’t utilize it. The Smackdown roster is filled with great performers. Guys like Chris Beniot, Paul Birchill, Kid Kash, Jamie Nobel, Gunner Scott, Supercrazy, Psicosis, and ECW’s Own Nova!
Taz – The hell is Nova Joey?
Joey – Ugh. It’s got to you Taz. Im talking about “Simon Dean.”
Taz – Oh…OH! THAT’S NOVA?! I would have never known.
Joey – Oh god, anyway, unused talent. All these guys could go out there week after week, show after show and put on a really good, if not great match. So why not? Is it really because you have the need to put over Henry more as a fat dude? We know he’s strong, get over it. What we don’t know is that Supercrazy does a great shooting star press of a balcony. All these guys put on great matches when they get a chance…but why? Why don’t they get a chance?
Taz – Because Five of those eight that you named off the top of your head are ECW guys.
Joey – You may be right Taz. We might not be able to know for sure, but what we do know is that in ECW, all people will be given a chance to shine. All wrestlers will get air-time, and no one will be favored over others. If you can deliver, we’ll be served. And you can show your talents. Because when you’re the best, you’re the best, and you deserve to be the best. And ECW will showcase all talent that comes.
Moving on to the top reason to watch ECW instead of WWE…
Taz – IT’S GAY! Gay. Gay. Gay. Oh come on hot-pants, don’t act like you didn’t know. I sit there every week in awe at the utter homosexuality. Look at Smackdowns leading announcer…Todd Grishom. I had to sit next to fruit cake every week. Or guys like, Vito. OH VITO. I mean…look at this guy…
Have you ever seen a Man, not only a man, but a professional wrestler, with a lot of pride…wear a dress?
Joey – Yes I have Taz, but I thought we promised not to ever speak of that again?
Taz – Ah-ha-ha, Very funny smarty – pants. Anyway, Look at this blatent homosexuality…
Joey – It pains me to see a world-class wrestler be misused in such a way!
Taz – It Pains you!? Just look at Regal!
Taz – We here at ECW are Anti-homo. I mean…look at this…
Joey – That always has been my favorite position.
Taz – Oh yeah…me too Joey…This one too…
Taz – Pump-Handle Hump. That’s what me and the miss call it.
Joey – Your sick Taz…
Taz – Ha! What, its true. You know what Joey? I never realized how sexual ECW moves are…?
Joey – Oh that’s not it Taz. Its just that the production guys stole my copy of “The Kama Sutra – Performed by Lita and Edge”
Taz – But why is Beulah the one getting banged.
Joey – Do you wanna see Lita get naked?
Taz – Word.
Joey – That’s what I thought. So. 3 Reasons. 3 obvious holes in the WWE Gay, Blue son, programming.
Taz – What’s next? The supposed “Flagship.” More like “Flagshit!.”
Joey – Oh very creative, Taz. You just pulled a “WWE creative.” Ha! Now that was good. Kind of like ECW, Tuesday nights from Ten to Eleven, Only on the Sci-Fi Channel.
Taz – Raw…get to it.
Joey – Right, Raw. The only place where…
??? – Whoa, Whoa, Whoa…If you think your gunna sit here and berate MY Creations…well you can go to HEEEEEEELLLLL!!!
Joey – Oh look who decided to show up…good old Vinny mac. How’s it goin’ Vince?
Vince – All was well until you two decided to sit here and berate MY shows.
Joey – This is ECW, there’s no rules…we can or say whatever we want!
Taz – YEAH! Because this iiiisss Exxxxtreeeeeemmme!
Vince – Oh yeah? Well you guys can Exxxtreeeme your way to the Exxtreeemme-lu long unemployment lines…because YOOUURRR FIIIRREDD!!!!
Joey and Taz – FIRED?!?!
Heyman – Wait Wait Wait…
You can’t do that! It says right here in our contract…we stay in the company, as long as people watch ECW. Me, Taz, and Styles! So put that in your pipe and smoke it!
RVD – Someone say Pipe? Smoke!?
Heyman – No Rob. No back to the locker room.
RVD – Damn. I haven’t smoke in like…uh…like…I cant remember?
Heyman – Anyway…Its written right here Vince…YOU CANT FIRE US!!
Vince – You got me on a technicality. You all have your fun for now. But I will be back! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!!
Joey – Oh thank god. Heyman comes through once again, saves our jobs. I guess this means we’re even now. Eh Paul E?
Heyman – Well, it was my fault we ALL lost our jobs in the first place, so yeh we’re even. Look, guys…I really appreciate. But this is running long, your gunna have to save it for next week.
Taz – Ha! Heymans right folks. We’re gunna have to run. But we will be back next week. This is Taz, and im gunna bounce like one of Heyman’s checks.
Styles – And this has Been Joey Styles. Coming at you straight from ECW headquarters. Telling you to tune into ECW, Tuesdays, Ten to Eleven, on the one and only Sci-Fi Network.
For all your comments on the show, send your emails to Albooboo33@yahoo.com or see us on AIM – albooboolop
Taz and Styles signing off…for E.C.W…
