The Trademark Rants – The Hulk Hogan Theorem

You know the song. Every time you hear its opening chords, you know exactly what to expect. Although this song was originally written for Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo, it would become the anthem for another, far more popular performer in the realm of professional wrestling. In fact, there is no other wrestler in the world that is so closely associated with a piece of music. Not even the Sandman. You know the song. Don’t deny it. Denying it only makes it play louder in your head…

It begins, and already, you’re seeing red and yellow.

Whether you choose to admit it or not, at this point, you are now just about to enter “The Mark-Out Zone”! Don’t worry. We all are. That’s the point! It’s FUN!

The urge to flex is now imminent. Even if you hate the man, you just can’t resist the desire to flex. It’s just too much fun! As the second verse begins, one should note that none of us remembers it off hand. Why? Because, normally, we’re in full “mark-out” mode by now. We’re flexing, posing, cupping our hands to our ears, and even tearing our shirts (or, at the very least, pretending to). Come on. Admit it. You’ve done it. Stop being such a smark for a second and admit what is inherently true about all of us – we have ALL marked out over this song at least once in our lives. I do it almost all the time. Why? Because it’s FUN! It’s the reason I’m a wrestling fan in the first place, and the main reason I’m generally disappointed in today’s wrestling product on the whole – because there is nothing for us to truly mark out over anymore. This is why the man associated with this song still has a career, despite it all.

Love him or hate him, he’s the reason we all became wrestling fans in the first place, and the feeling we get just hearing this music is the biggest void we feel watching wrestling today. As much as we try to lie to ourselves by marking out over the likes of Carlito and Christian Cage, it’s just not the same feeling we once had when this song played. If anything, that is this man’s true legacy. Forget about the titles, the backstage manipulations, and the alleged 20 plus years in which he claimed to be the top draw in wrestling. The true legacy of Hulk Hogan has nothing to do with the WWF, WCW, or professional wrestling at all. The legacy of Hulk Hogan is simply a feeling inside each and every one of us, no matter how much you may choose to deny it, that nothing can truly replace. Love him or hate him now, but once upon a time, he was your hero, and you wanted nothing more than to be Hulk Hogan, even if just for a second while his entrance theme played. I know I do!

Terry Bollea, the man who would become the legend, was talked into becoming a pro wrestler by Jack and Gerry Brisco in the mid-1970s. Terry, a life-long wrestling fan, decided to go for it, and proceeded to train under the guidance of Hiro Matsuda, who intentionally broke Terry’s leg during their first session together. Some claim that Matsuda did this to teach Bollea to respect him, while others think Matsuda did it to “protect the business”. I tend to be one of the latter. Honestly, you’d think there would be better ways to teach respect than to break someone’s leg, but then again, this is the wrestling business, and some people are just really f*cked up. Just look at New Jack…

Now, most people who have their leg intentionally broken by a wrestling trainer tend to take this as a message to stay out of the wrestling business. After all, this was the 70s, and wrestlers still felt the need to “protect the business” by hurting people. Terry Bollea, though, didn’t quite get that message, and eventually came back for more training. Some may admire Terry for his guts and persistence. Logic, though, would call him crazy. Insanity, as defined by some, is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Terry Bollea returned to Hiro Matsuda, expecting a result other than being injured, proving that he was crazy. Matsuda more than likely trained Terry not because he was brave or persistent, but because Terry Bollea was f*cking crazy for even coming back. Who knows what Terry would have done to Matsuda if he would have refused to train Terry after that!

So, about two years later, Terry Bollea had his first match. Billed as “The Super Destroyer”, he wrestled B. Brain Blair (who would eventually become one of the WWF’s Killer Bees) to a draw. Okay, Dumb Question Time: What the f*ck is up with all of these draws? Who, in their right mind, actually thought a draw was a good thing? I don’t care what decade it is! How the hell does a draw, well… draw? Say I’m going to go see an Indians game. I’m at Jacob’s Field, and I’m watching the Indians play the Chicago White Sox. If, for whatever reason, they actually called the game after the 9th Inning with both teams tied at 1 a piece, do you think I’d be going home happy? HELL NO!!! That’s why Major League Sports have something called “Overtime”, because fans want to see winners and losers. Sure, I’d be pissed off if the Sox eventually won in the 13th, but that’s because I’m a Northeast Ohioan, and damn near required to hate the White Sox no matter what (that is, unless they’re kicking the crap out of the Yankees). The point is, people want to see winners and losers, and for the life of me, I have no idea what hair-brained wrestling promoter, let alone what idiotic wrestling fans, actually accepted a draw as if it were a good thing!

So, after wrestling B. Brain Blair to a draw, Mr. Destroyer allegedly went on to some success in the South. I say “allegedly” because this would be the point in which Terry Bollea would meet Edward Leslie. But, despite the Black Hole of Lameness that was Dizzy Hogan, Terry Bollea was eventually hired by Vincent J. McMahon (no, that’s not a typo. I’m actually talking about the Daddy Mac Himself, Vincent James McMahon, not to be confused with Vincent Kennedy McMahon, who is now feuding with God) to work for the World-Wide Wrestling Federation, which we recognize now as WWE.

In the WWWF, Terry was dubbed “The Incredible” Hulk Hogan. Allegedly, Terry was considered bigger than Lou Ferrigno, who played The Incredible Hulk on TV, and, for whatever reason, Daddy Mac wanted Terry to be Irish, too, thus the “Hogan” name. Since the WWWF was located in the northeastern part of the United States, they tried to appeal to their territory’s fan base by playing off of the ethnicity of their wrestlers. Typically, the WWWF would draw crowds that consisted of many immigrants, as well as people who closely related to their ethnic roots, which VJM took full advantage of. Terry Bollea was mostly Italian, but since Bruno Sammartino was Italian, and a much bigger draw than Bollea at the time, Daddy Mac decided to try to pass Bollea off as an Irishman. After some decent success as a heel, feuding with Tony Atlas and WWWF Champion Bob Backlund, Hogan found himself in a feud with Andre The Giant, which culminated in a historical match at Shea Stadium on August 9, 1980, part of the WWWF’s Showdown At Shea, which featured the famous Bruno Sammartino/Larry Zbysko Cage Match. Nearly 15 years prior, the Beatles played there. No, seriously. The Beatles played Shea Stadium on August 15, 1965, and nearly 15 years later, to the day, Hulk Hogan lost to Andre The Giant in what was, at the time, one of the biggest matches of Hogan’s career. Coincidence?

In 1981, Sylvester Stallone personally offered Hogan a role in Rocky III. Before he could accept the role, though, Hogan had to get Daddy Mac’s permission first, which Daddy Mac quickly denied. Back in the day, wrestlers were wrestlers and actors were actors, and never were the two supposed to meet. Then, one day, Hulk Hogan came along and the world of wrestling was never the same. Hogan took the role anyway, figuring it would be good for his career, and Daddy Mac fired him. While some may criticize Vincent J. for firing Hogan and missing out on a great opportunity to make major money, we should at least salute the man for attempting to save the world from such disasters as Santa With Muscles, No Holds Barred, Mr. Nanny, Suburban Commando, Thunder In Paradise, Secret Agent Club, and 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain, just to name a few. As it turns out, Rocky III would be the first, last, and only half-way decent movie Hulk Hogan would ever be featured in. Vincent J. McMahon really was a genius!

Once Hogan finished filming his scene for Rocky III, he was quickly picked up by Verne Gagne’s American Wrestling Association. Hogan was supposed to be a heel in AWA, but Midwesterners liked Hogan, and he was quickly turned. Meanwhile, Hogan also gained prominence in New Japan, showing off a more diverse array of wrestling holds than any he’s ever used here in the States. Both the AWA fans and New Japan fans loved the Hulk, and he quickly became one of the world’s most popular wrestlers.

As AWA’s top draw, Hogan found himself feuding with the AWA Champion, Nick Bockwinkle, but because Verne was an anal-retentive moron with no sense of what draws in wrestling whatsoever (personal opinion), Verne was reluctant to put the AWA Title on Hogan. Gagne even went as far as to book two different “title changes” in which Hogan would win the match, but because of some bullsh*t technicality, Bockwinkle would regain the belt. Supposedly, this normally worked in AWA, encouraging fans to come back for a rematch. But on the occasions where Hogan got screwed, fans damn near rioted. If it weren’t for Hogan pleading with the crowds over the PA, they probably would have! And, because Verne Gagne was an anal-retentive idiot who was more content to look towards the past rather than embrace the future, he eventually lost Hogan altogether. Between Verne’s demands for a percentage of Hogan’s New Japan wages and the backstage politics over the AWA Title, Hogan left the AWA altogether and chose to return to the Northeast and the recently renamed World Wrestling Federation, working for its new owner, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

Vinnie Mac wanted to take the WWF national, and Hulk Hogan was the star he bet on to take the WWF there. Hogan won the WWF Title from the Iron Sheik on January 23, 1984, and would hold it for the next four years. In that time, Hulkamania was born. Some argue that it actually began in AWA. Some also think that Verne Gagne had some clue of what he was doing with the book in AWA. I don’t, therefore, I give Vince the credit. History is written by the winners of wars, not the losers.

WrestleMania was set for March 31, 1985, featuring Hogan and fellow Rocky III star, Mr. T defeating Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff. Of course, few ever mention the fact that this show was nearly doomed to fail from the start, and had it not been for CYNDI LAUPER’s involvement in WWF storylines leading up to WrestleMania, the show would have tanked. Ticket sales for the event were slow at best, and it wasn’t until Cyndi had her encounter with Roddy (with Hulk eventually making the save) that sales picked up. So, yeah, it was CYNDI LAUPER who made the first WrestleMania a success. Oh, and at this point, Wendi Richter was nearly as popular as Hogan, even leading Pro Wrestling Illustrated to publish an article asking the question, “Is Richter More Popular Than Hogan?” In 1985, this was a serious question. Unfortunately, Wendi and the WWF parted on extremely poor circumstances later that year (which you can read about here), and sadly, Women’s wrestling in the United States has yet to fully recover, despite Trish Stratus‘ best efforts. And somehow, Hulk Hogan can still claim to have single-handedly made this event a success. Sure, Hulk. Whatever you say…

The next couple years were a snore. Then, in 1987, Andre The Giant, who beat Hulk Hogan at Shea Stadium back in 1980, challenged for Hogan’s WWF Title at WrestleMania III. In front of an alleged 93,173 fans (the indoor attendance record for any event held in North America) at the Pontiac Silver Dome, Hulk Hogan body slammed Andre, dropped the famous leg, and pinned him to retain the WWF Title. Sadly, the Beatles never played at the Silver Dome, but Pope John Paul II was there in September of 1987, and he didn’t even come close to drawing 93,000 people. Someone might want to tell Vince that the WWF legitimately out-drew God in 1987, just to see if he’ll use it in one of his promos leading into Backlash. I know I would if I were Vince.

In 1988, Hogan’s first WWF Title run ended in an extremely controversial match which saw Andre defeating Hogan yet again, this time, drawing the highest television rating in wrestling history, a 15.2. No, that’s not a typo. It actually drew a 15.2 rating. After the title changed hands, Andre tried to sell it to Ted DiBiase, but the WWF wouldn’t allow it, and vacated the belt. If you ever wondered why Jake “The Snake” Roberts never got the WWF Title, you now know why. If there’s anyone in the world who would sell the belt for some crack, it’s Jake. At WrestleMania IV, Hogan and Andre wrestled to a double DQ, and from there, the feud between the two quickly came to an end. After drawing the largest television audience in wrestling history AND the indoor attendance record-breaking crowd in Michigan the year before, it was pretty clear that there wasn’t much else Hogan and Andre could do together except grow stale and kill the WWF, which, thankfully, didn’t happen.

After helping “Macho Man” Randy Savage defeat Ted DiBiase and win the WWF Title, Hogan and Savage aligned as The Mega Powers. Unfortnately, it wasn’t enough for Hogan to be the most popular and highest paid performer in the WWF. No, he had to be tapping Miss Elizabeth’s ass, too! So Randy whooped Hulk’s ass, leading to WrestleMania V, and Hogan regaining the WWF Title. Fortunately, once he took back the WWF Title, Hogan left Elizabeth alone. Unfortunately, for Randy, it didn’t matter. The Macho Man ditched Liz for Sherri Martel and became a king, while Liz and hooked up with Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire.

As Randy lost his mind and Liz danced with Polka-Dotted Putzes, Hogan feuded with the Ultimate Warrior. At WrestleMania VI, Hogan and Warrior exchanged words of utter nonsense, as if they were having a “who can cut the dumber promo” contest, which Warrior clearly won (which you can read about here). at the end of the night, Warrior stood victorious over Hogan, but, ever the spotlight hog, Hogan’s sportsmanlike conduct after the match caused fans to pay more attention to the departing former champ than to the new champ in the ring. Hogan can say whatever he wants, but clearly, that was a move to keep the heat on himself. Then again, the Warrior sucked.

In late 1990, Iraq invaded Kuwait, and the US decided to step up to the plate and be the perennial ass-kickers that we portray ourselves to be. Unfortunately, that year, Sgt. Slaughter ditched the G.I. Joes and joined COBRA, who just happened to side with Iraq. Damn COBRA! Anyway, Sarge and COBRA Commander (disguised as General Adnan) screwed the Warrior out of the WWF Title. Hulk Hogan, along with Flint, Snake Eyes, Duke and Lady Jaye kicked the crap out of Sgt. Slaughter, Destro, the Baroness, Dr. Mindbender, and COBRA Commander (still disguised as General Adnan) and took back the WWF Title for the USA.

A couple years, and uneventful WrestleManias later, Hulk finally allowed himself to retire. Apparently, Hulk thought he could really make a go at a movie career. Then came Suburban Commando. Fortunately, Ted Turner and Eric Bischoff came along shortly after and offered Hulk an obscene amount of money to come out of retirement. It wasn’t enough, though. Hulk wanted a guaranteed spotlight. Never mind how poorly scripted Suburban Commando was! The reason it tanked at the Box Office was because Hulk wasn’t at the center of the WWF Spotlight! Damn that bret Hart and his massive ego! If Bret was willing to put Hogan over, surely Suburban Commando would have been a hit! Hulk just knew it! So, Eric Bischoff offered Hulk Creative Control. Finally, Hogan had what he always wanted. Verne Gagne used his creative control to hold Hogan down, while Vinnie Mac used his creative control to *gasp!* make new stars and take the focus off of the Hulkster! But now, Hogan would have the power, and before the ink dried on Hogan’s WCW Contract, the fate of WCW was sealed.

The first couple of years in WCW were, at best, unmemorable. Hogan used his power to get wins over Ric Flair and Big Van Vader, and WCW floundered. It took WCW nearly two years to realize that Hogan wasn’t paying off, but when they finally did, it looked like Hogan’s days in the spotlight were done for good. And then, an idea came. Eric Bischoff had just acquired Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, and started an angle which made it appear as if the WWF was invading WCW. Hogan, one of WWF’s biggest stars of all time, was given a choice: turn heel and possibly revive his career, or stay face and fade into obscurity. Hogan weighed his options and eventually decided to turn. Hollywood Hogan was born.

Once the number one good guy in all wrestling quickly became the number one bad guy in wrestling, and fans cried out for Hogan’s death. With his career revived, Hogan was hot again. In 1997, Hogan headlined WCW’s biggest Pay Per View ever, Starrcade ’97, against the hottest baby face in the industry at the time, Sting. Sting vs. Hogan was built up for nearly a year and a half, and, logically, Starrcade seemed like the best time to finally pay off the angle once and for all. Hogan loses, the nWo is destroyed once and for all, and Sting becomes the Hero of The Day. That’s what should have happened, but it wasn’t good enough for WCW or Hulk Hogan. Instead, Sting loses, gets a second chance thanks to Bret Hart, then finally beats Hogan just to have that victory negated the very next night by WCW officials. Harvard calls Hulk Hogan the next day and offers him a teaching gig. The Class? How To F*ck Up A Perfectly Good Pay-Off 101.

Hogan continued to run WCW and the nWo angle into the ground throughout 1998. Eventually, it appears that Hogan is going to leave wrestling and pursue politics. Jesse Ventura became Governor of Minnesota that year, and some were just begging Hogan to run for President. Okay, it was just Bischoff and Turner, but I said “some”, didn’t I? Anyway, the “retirement” lasted all of a couple months. In the meantime, Kevin Nash used the book to put himself over Goldberg. Yeah, Nash killed WCW’s biggest Money Angle to put himself over. This is why active wrestlers shouldn’t be bookers.

Once Nash had the belt, Hogan decided it was time to be champ again, and, in the process, debuted a move so devastating, only one other booker in the United States ever dared to allow his competitors to use it. That booker, of course, was me. The Move? The Dreaded Finger Push Of Death!

In 1999, Hogan used the Dreaded Finger Push of Death on Kevin Nash and regained the WCW Title. The nWo reformed, and WCW officially acknowledged to its fans that it would never EVER change its Main Event angle, no mater what. In 2001, a daring kid named Joey Danger brought the move back to the American forefront, using the devastating move on his former Tag Team Partner, Hans. I booked it. The crowd laughed. It got exactly the reaction I hoped for, and Joey got even more over as Tri-City Wrestling’s Ultimate Smart-Ass. Joey and Hans went on to win the TCW Tag Titles the next night, playing up their confrontation as their own, personal, practical joke on TCW fans. I eventually broke them up anyway, because Joey was just too damn popular to stay heel, but for the moment, it was funny, and the fans really seemed to enjoy the joke. Thank You, Hulk Hogan.

Eventually, Hogan’s impact as a heel wore off, so it was back to baby face land for the Hulkster. Fans didn’t care. So, Hulk disappeared. No one missed him. So the Hulk came back. By then, everyone was watching the WWF, and the few people who were still watching WCW did so mostly out of sheer, morbid curiosity. I know that was MY motivation to keep watching WCW, at least! Hulk did a few work/shoot angles with Vince Russo, and fans just didn’t care. Hulk took another sabbatical, and WCW couldn’t afford to keep bringing him back. Then, Hulk sued WCW for not using him, and sued Vince Russo for shooting on him, despite the fact that they allegedly agreed to do the work/shoot angle in the first place. As you may note, I’ve gotten really lazy writing about the last couple years of Hogan’s WCW tenure. It’s because I don’t care, and likely, neither do you. It was that stupid.

2002 rolls around, and Vinnie Mac brings Hogan and the nWo back again, this time, to the WWF. Blah. WWF didn’t know how to book the nWo, and the angle really began to tank. Then, the WWF got really lucky and booked Hogan against the Rock, which turned into HUGE money for the WWF. WresteMania X8 took place, and Hulkamania was reborn. Even the biggest of Hogan-Haters cheered for Hogan that night. I should know. I was there and heard the 68,000 people cheering personally. And I was one of them.

From there, Hulk has made on again, off again appearances for the WWE, making the most of people’s need for 80’s nostalgia. Hogan now also has his own reality series, in which he tortures his kids, much like he tortured WCW audiences back in the 1990s. Some say Hogan’s career is on the rebound again, and perhaps, its true. Hogan Knows Best is one of VH1’s Top Rated Shows, and Hogan is receiving better press now than he has in years. As for me, a once tried and true Hulkamaniac… I’m happy that I have the good memories to latch on to. We all should. After all, Hulk gave us a lot of joy once upon a time. Unfortunately, some out there will never be able to look past all the damage he did later in his career. It’s their choice, but I, for one, will never forget all the good that Hulk Hogan brought into my life, whether it was a joke that never stops being funny, to that feeling I get every time I hear the opening chords to “Real American”.

The Moral Of Today’s Story: Hulk Hogan Actually DOES Rule!