So here we are, mere days away from WrestleMania 22. Are you excited, yet?
This week in the Rants, I’m going to give you my WrestleMania preview. Why? Because I have the time, and apparently, so do you. Otherwise, you’d be doing something else right now.
Here’s how it works. First, I talk about the match a little bit. Then, I talk about what I’d Like To See vs. What Will Probably Happen. And then, to finish it off, I’ll give you my take on the potential Entertainment Value of each match. See, I just HATE listening to Internet Writers attempt to rate actual matches, considering that most of them have about as much in-ring experience as Britney Spears. I’d rather talk about things I KNOW, and if there’s anything I know, it’s how much something is entertaining me. So, instead of a potential match rating, I’m going to give you a potential entertainment value rating. Besides, this is WWE we’re talking about.
And now, the OFFICIAL Trademark Rants’ WrestleMania 22 Preview!
Chris Benoit vs. JBL – United States Title Match
This here is your classic “throw-away” match. There’s really no purpose to this match, other than to put Benoit and JBL on the card. Do they deserve to be on the card? Well, sure, why not? They pushed the hell out of JBL, and two years later, he finally managed to get enough heat to serve as a midcard attraction, so sure, put him on the card! If Dino Bravo was good enough to get booked on a WrestleMania card, then so is JBL! Besides, they could both use the payday. Beyond that, the match doesn’t matter to me.
What I’d Like To See Happen: A Dino Bravo run-in? I don’t know! Maybe if the WWE spent more time giving me a reason to care about the US Title or this match in general, I could give you a better answer. They didn’t, so I’ll go with the Dino Bravo run-in. Yeah, that’ll work.
What Will Probably Happen: Benoit retains the belt. My buddies, Terry and Chris, have to wake me up after the match and tell me how Benoit carried JBL to the best match of his career, and how it still sucked more than any other match on the card not involving pillows.
Overall Entertainment Value: Not much, really. Nothing worth remembering the next day, at least.
Kane & The Big Show vs. Carlito & Chris Masters – World Tag Team Championship
Supposedly, a little over a month ago, Kane, Big Show, Masters and Carlito were all rumored to have been slated for Money In The Bank II. But then, one day, someone on the writing staff remembered that RAW had a Tag Team Championship, and that two of the proposed members of MITB II held those belts. The writing staff then went over the past few months of TV and also realized that these titles have not been defended in a while.
“Oh, snap!” one of the writers cried out. “We forgot about that 30-Day Title Defense Clause again!”
Stephanie, dismayed by this discovery, muttered, “I ought to shoot the guy who came up with that clause.” She then turned to John Laurinaitis, the Vice President of Talent and Relations (and all-around McMahon Henchman) and screamed, “Find the man who came up with that damn 30-Day Title Defense Clause and bring me his head!”
“Yes, ma’am!” the former Johnny Ace replied, quickly leaving the room.
“So, what are we going to do about the Tag Titles?” one of the writers asked.
“I guess we’re just going to have to have a Tag Team Title defense, then,” Stephanie sighed. “Bring me the Heart Throbs!”
“We fired them,” the writers said.
“Okay…” Stephanie sighed. “What other Tag Teams do we have on RAW?” The answered were slow coming. “Come on, people! There’s got to be at least one other team on RAW besides Kane and Big Show! What about Cade and Murdoch?”
“Didn’t we break them up?” one of the writers asked.
“Why?” Stephanie replied.
“Well, before Shelton Benjamin got over as a heel, we were going to give the Intercontinental Title to Trevor Murdoch, and we didn’t want him to be tied down,” the writer replied. “But we scrapped that once Shelton and his Momma got over.”
“Oh,” Stephanie sighed.
“What about Val Venis and Viscera? We have them tagging a lot these days!” another writer shouted out.
“I guess we could. It’d have to be a squash, though. Val has no heat, and don’t even get me started on Viscera,” Stephanie said.
“Wait!” another writer shouted. “Why don’t we make it Big Show and Kane against… um… Chris Masters and… uh… Carlito! Yeah, Chris Masters and Carlito! They’ve teamed together before! And… um… it can be at WrestleMania, too! That way, people won’t think we’re burying the Tag Titles!”
“Wait a minute,” said yet another writer. “I thought we were SUPPOSED to bury the Tag Titles.”
“Well, yeah,” Stephanie chimed in, “but if we make it OBVIOUS, then the wrestlers we put them on will get all whiny and start talking about going to TNA and stuff! And we don’t want that, do we?”
“Oh, no, of course not!” the objecting writer agreed.
“Then it’s settled. Kane and The Big Show vs. Chris Master and Carlito at WrestleMania!” Stephanie declared.
“What about Money In The Bank?” yet another one of the writers asked.
“Oh, what the hell! Let’s throw SmackDown a bone and put three of the B-Teamers in there,” Stephanie decided.
And thus, how this Tag Title Match came to be, and how Carlito, Masters, and two guys who should NEVER be in a ladder match, ended up, um… not being in a ladder match.
What I’d Like To See Happen: Masters and Carlito win the Tag Titles. Feud ends.
What Will Probably Happen: Masters and Carlito win the Tag Titles. Feud continues going into Backlash.
Overall Entertainment Value: Potentially High. Carlito has earned his spot on the roster, while Masters’ in-ring psychology continues to be his strong suit. Meanwhile, I actually LIKE the Big Show (unlike some 99% of the rest of the Internet) and Kane still gets the crowds going. I could actually find myself getting into this match. Strangely enough, I see Masters and Carlito being a lot like Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake back in the day when they teamed as the Dream Team. I’m not entirely sure why, but it just happens that way. And note, I haven’t made a Beefcake/Cocaine reference yet. Oops! Never mind…
Money In The Bank II: Electric Boogaloo, featuring Rob Van Dam, Ric Flair, Shelton Benjamin, Fit Finlay, Bobby Lashley, and Matt Hardy.
Okay, you know the stips. 6 men, a whole bunch of ladders, a title shot on the line, yadda, yadda, yadda. Since everybody seemed to love this match last year, WWE must of though, “Hell, let’s do it again!” This year’s sequel features the extremely popular stoner who WWE always buries, the 16-Time Former World Champion, the current Intercontinental Champion, some pissed off Irish guy from WCW, Monty Brown’s Clone, and the guy WWE has actually managed to bury so badly that even RVD should feel sorry for him. Let the mayhem and the high-spotting commense!
What I’d Like To See Happen: Matt Hardy wins, eventually becomes World Champion, and headlines next year’s WrestleMania as champ.
What Will Probably Happen: RVD wins it, cashes it in at ECW’s “Second Night Stand”, and gets squashed by Triple H, AGAIN…
Overall Entertainment Value: Likely High. Cool spots, for sure.
Candice Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson – Playboy Pillow-Fight Match
Candice can’t wrestle. Candice can’t cut a promo. Candice CAN pose naked for Playboy, though. And she annoys the hell out of me.
Meanwhile, her opponent, Torrie Wilson, also cannot wrestle. Torrie actually CAN cut a halfway decent promo sometimes, but not often. Torrie has also posed naked for Playboy. Torrie, though, doesn’t really annoy me, as long as she isn’t stomping on the face of women’s wrestling with her crappy work. The problem with this match is, she’s going to, and so is Candice.
Oh, and there are pillows involved, too.
What I’d Like To See Happen: Mickie James runs in, kills both Torrie and Candice, then cuts a great promo on Trish Startus to set up their match later on in the night. “Do you love me NOW?”
What Will Probably Happen: Girls hit each other with pillows. I take a bathroom break. Terry insists that he can teach Candice Michelle to wrestle while Chris talks about how he wishes Lita would pose for Playboy.
Overall Entertainment Value: None. You’re better off going to a strip club.
Undertaker vs. Mark Henry – Casket Match
Undertaker has a winning streak to defend. Otherwise, this match wouldn’t happen.
What I’d Like To See Happen: Tazz or Michael Cole, sometime over the course of this match, actually refers to Mark Henry as “The World’s Sweatiest Man”.
What Will Probably Happen: Undertaker goes 14-0. Duh.
Overall Entertainment Value: If the match is short, there may be some, but casket matches are rarely short. Otherwise, you really have to be an Undertaker mark to get into this match.
The Boogeyman vs. Booker T & Sharmell – Handicap Match
For SmackDown, this match actually has a pretty good build. I hate the Boogeyman, personally, but if this is how the WWE is going to use him, then it might actually be worth watching.
What I’d Like To See Happen: Worms start oozing out of Sharmell’s dress and falling out of her hair as she steps into the ring for the first time after her husband cowardly tags her in. Sharmell freaks out, starts tearing off her clothes, and runs to the back. Booker T, abandoned by his wife, is left to face Boogeyman alone, and gets his ass whooped.
What Will Probably Happen: Something similar, but not involving Sharmell’s clothing. In a movie, that’d be really easy to do, and it would look awesome. In front of a live crowd, it’s much harder, and it might not look as cool, either. Either way, WWE is going to find a way to have Boogeyman scare Sharmell off so the Booker-Man can get his ass handed to him.
Overall Entertainment Value: Decent. Like I said before, I’m not into the Boogeyman, but if booked properly, he could add some entertainment value to the show despite it all.
Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James – Women’s Title Match
This is, by far, the best-booked feud in the WWE right now. Period. Trish and Mickie has made for some great TV, and while elements of the feud did seem to drag between the Royal Rumble to now, I think a lot of that “drag” actually comes from poor planning. If WWE was intending this match for WrestleMania from the start, they probably gave too much away too soon and realized it just after the Rumble, so they threw in Jack and all that crap to eat up time. Beyond that, it’s been solid booking. Now, if only WWE did this with EVERYONE…
What I’d Like To See Happen: Mickie wins. “Do You Love Me Now?” is on a T-Shirt by Monday.
What Will Probably Happen: Mickie wins.
Overall Entertainment Value: High. But then again, I actually LIKE Women’s Wrestling!
Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels – No Holds Barred
Overbooked since day one, this feud finally comes to an end (hopefully) at WrestleMania. Vince and His Ego vs. Shawn and His Ego. This really should have been advertised as a Tag Team Match…
What I’d Like To See Happen: The Ultimate Warrior shows up. Why? Why not! It would make about as much sense as Bret Hart running in! And besides, the entire world is expecting Bret.
What Will Probably Happen: Shawn wins.
Overall Entertainment Value: Low.
John Cena vs. Triple H – WWE Title Match
God, I mean, Triple H, finally gets what he wants – another belt.
What I’d Like To See Happen: Triple H puts over John Cena. Fans respect both men afterwards.
What Will Probably Happen: Triple H buries John Cena. No one ever respects John Cena again.
Overall Entertainment Value: Some. Maybe a lot. It really depends on how well H and Cena work together, and how this match ends. Regardless, H needs to give Cena a good showing. Otherwise, we’re looking at H vs. Booker T from WM 19 all over again. And if that’s the case, the Playboy Pillow Fight will be more entertaining than this match.
Edge vs. Mick Foley – Hardcore Match
I’m not a fan of Edge’s burial as of late, nor am I real keen on his Secondary Program with Mick Foley being some sort of compensation for single-handedly saving John Cena’s heat for about a month before the WWE screwed it all up. But, despite all of my objections and problems with the WWE’s inability to listen to their fans, I guess I can say that WWE has done a decent job setting up this match. That doesn’t mean this should be happening, but, since it is anyway, it’ll at least be a pretty entertaining match. Things could be a lot worse for Edge. I mean, he could be Matt Hardy.
What I’d Like To See Happen: Edge wins.
What Will Probably Happen: Edge wins. WWE’s invested too much in Edge at this point to job him out to someone who’s supposed to be retired.
Overall Entertainment Value: Extremely high. Likely the match of the night. It doesn’t mean that this match should be happening, though. You could have gotten just as good a match out of Cena and Edge, or Edge and Flair, or even Edge and Triple H, if not better!
Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio – World Heavyweight Title Match
And finally, the World Title Match. Kurt Angle is only here because he has the belt. Otherwise, this is pretty much a feud between Orton and Mysterio. I have never been a big fan of Triple Threats, even when there are good reasons to have them, so that affects my view of this match. When it comes right down to it, though, is WWE going to pay off the whole “Do It For Eddie” angle, or are they just going to piss it away to keep the belt on an actual heavyweight?
What I’d Like To See Happen: Mysterio wins. Not because he should be World Heavyweight Champion, but because WWE should pay off this whole “Do It For Eddie” angle right. The only way to do it is to give Rey the belt. Otherwise, they shouldn’t have bothered with the “Do It For Eddie” angle to begin with.
What Will Probably Happen: Someone else wins.
Overall Entertainment Value: Once again, extremely high. ‘Net Marks will get off on the action. Casual Fans will get off on the story. The only thing that can ruin this is if Mysterio loses. If this is the match that is going to end ‘Mania, and rumor says that it is, you don’t want to end ‘Mania on a down note.
Well, that’s it for me. Thanks for checking out my WrestleMania Preview! Don’t forget to come back next week for the next installment of The Trademark Rants!
Also, don’t forget to check out Mike’s Profile on MySpace – www.MySpace.com/MikeJohnsUSAW – for more about your favorite wrestling columnist! And, while you’re at it, check out the USAW page at www.MySpace.com/OfficialUSAW for more information on The New Evolution of Sports & Entertainment, ULTIMATE SHOCK & AWE WRESTLING!!!
