The Trademark Rants – The Ultimate Warrior Theorem II

Four years ago, I began writing The Trademark Rants. The first column I ever wrote, titled “The Ultimate Warrior Theorem”, was more or less a comedic piece about the inaccuracies dealing with Warrior’s identity and whereabouts. Since then, it has become apparent to me that comedy is lost among the Internet Wrestling Audience. Therefore, in a shallow and meaningless attempt to appease the Internet Wrestling Community, I will begrudgingly attempt to give you, the five people who actually read this column, a half-way serious commentary about my favorite madman, the Ultimate Warrior.

I should say, before we begin, that I’m pretty well convinced that the man known as Warrior is legitimately insane, drunk on a sense of his own self-importance. I’m not talking about the maniacal persona known as The Ultimate Warrior. I’m talking about Warrior himself, the man formerly known as Jim Hellwig who is now legally known as Warrior. This is simply my opinion, which I will explain more thoroughly throughout this column. No one is expecting you to agree with me, and that’s fine. Regardless, I’ve been convinced of Warrior’s egomaniacal insanity since I first stumbled upon his website about a year ago, following the infamous incident at the University of Connecticut where the words, “Queering doesn’t make the world work!” first entered the common wrestling fan’s lexicon. Upon entering Warrior’s website (UltimateWarrior.com), it should be noted that both Warrior’s egotism and insanity are addressed in the first page you see – the “Concept” page.

Please keep in mind, I am not making any of this up. The following are some actual quotes from the “Concept” page on Warrior’s website.

”First, the dispelling of a couple rumors. There was only one Ultimate Warrior. That is, in Sports Entertainment there was only one person who ‘did’ Ultimate Warrior — that was me. There were not many different guys who ‘did’ him. No one else created his unique, distinct characteristics and sui generis personality. No one else donned his colorful gear or executed his creative, befitting promo style. No one else had the full bodybuilder’s physique and discharged the explosive, intense energy. No one else ran full speed sprints to the ring, shook the bejesus out of the ropes, threw violent, veiny-armed clotheslines or powered bodies up in Gorilla Press slams. No one else. I created him and I was the only one who, EVER, legitimately performed him.”

I do not live my life second-handedly. I am not, first, interested in impressing others above making a lasting impression with my own life. It is not that I am mean-spirited, as some misunderstand. It is just that my life is my life, and my life is equal to time and I don’t trade my time (life) — in thinking or acting — for wasteful, sorrowful, meaningless experience. The self-control I employ is taken by many to be cold-hearted. I do not care.

”I have incredible discipline. I am not modest about this. You will recognize this through my writings — that I have discipline and I am not modest about it. That is off-putting to many people. I do not care. I am running my life. You are not. There are bountiful temptations in the world to keep an individual from actualizing their potential as a human being. I use my discipline to kick the crap out of wasteful, sorrowful, meaningless temptations.”

I do not make wrong moral choices — anymore; a practice of mine for a long, long time. I am not modest about this either — and this really gets under people’s skin. Again, no apologies. The only time I am wrong or make the wrong choice is when I do not have the correct information. When I know there is a wrong, negative consequence that can come out of a MORAL choice I have before me to make, I do not make the wrong, negative — immoral choice.

And that, folks, is just the beginning. I probably could have posted half his website in this column. In fact, part of me wants to. There is nothing I, nor anyone else, can say about Warrior that Warrior doesn’t already exude in his own words. Unfortunately, his writings are equally as long-winded and nonsensical as his promos were. Just for fun, let’s relive one of my favorites, from WrestleMania VI:

“You are nothing but a normal, you don’t deserve to breathe the same air that I and Hulk Hogan do. Hulk Hogan, I must ask you now as you asked me, do you Hulk Hogan want your ideas, your beliefs to live forever? For Hulk Hogan in this normal world, physically none of us can live forever. But the places you have taken the Hulkamaniacs, the ideas and beliefs that you have given them can live through me Hulk Hogan. That is why I breathe, that is why the Warriors have come. Hulk Hogan there are ones that question where you are taking them. Do you no longer want to walk or step into that darkness? Hulk Hogan that darkness I speak of is nothing of fear. It is about the beliefs…of accepting any and all challenges at the cost of losing everything Hulk Hogan. You have lived Hulk Hogan for the last 5 Wrestlemania’s for this one belief. Now Hulk Hogan, I come to take what you believe in, further then you ever could. I come Hulk Hogan, not to destroy the Hulkamaniacs and Hulkamania. I come Hulk Hogan to bring the Warriors and Hulkamaniacs together as one as we Hulk Hogan accept all the challenges with all the strength of the Warriors and Hulkamaniacs together. Hulk Hogan the colors of the Hulkamaniacs are coming through the pores of my skin…and Hulk Hogan when we meet Hulk Hogan, I will look at you and you will realize then that I have come to do no one no harm, but only Hulk Hogan to take what we both believe in to places it shall never have been.”

It must be said – I believe that Warrior believes he is a self-made god. I don’t think there is a better way to put it than that. The man believes he has transcended normal people and has become a god. If he denies it, fine. But if you read his website long enough, you’re either going to find yourself wondering if I’m right, or, you might find yourself converting to Destrucity.

On the surface, what Warrior says seems to make sense. Hell, Warrior’s words are now his greatest weapon. Once again, a quote from Warrior himself:

”There is no muscle that compares with the power of your mind and no weapon like words. There’s nothing so intimidating or embarrassing as having someone kick your ass with their mind.”

But, see, that’s exactly it. His words are a weapon, meant to attack and destroy anyone he considers weak and ignorant. He is Judge, Jury, and Executioner in his own spectrum of Moral Justice and Propriety, and his brand of justice is dispensed in words of hurtful intolerance. For a man as spiritually enlightened as Warrior claims to be, it baffles me that such “wisdom” and “enlightenment” would manifest itself in such brutal ways. Perhaps I’m too soft for Warrior. That’s fine. Perhaps I’m too Liberal for my own good, and that’s fine, too. If Warrior really wants to waste his time trying to make a case against me, he can go right ahead and waste his time. I don’t see the point, and nothing he can say to me, no matter how hurtful or mean-spirited it can be, would change that. I’m just not going to understand his point of view, because, unlike him, I don’t just care about myself! Based on what I’ve read in his own words, I am convinced, beyond the shadow of doubt, that Warrior is one of the most selfish, insecure, egomaniacal, self-deluded lunatics walking God’s Green Earth! The ONLY reason Warrior bothers with anyone else AT ALL is because he has to have at least one other person looking up to him in order to maintain his own fictitious lifestyle! Otherwise, the whole illusion breaks down and the man formerly known by an actual name might finally be forced to look in the mirror and see the sad, pathetic excuse for a human being staring back at him!

Since most of this column, thus far, has dealt with Warrior the man, or “god” or whatever, now might be a good time to transition to his career, and the persona we all loved at one point in our lives, no matter how much we all try to deny it now – The Ultimate Warrior. Growing up, I remember the Warrior and thinking he was from some other planet or something. He was intense and just weird enough to seem cool. Yet, watching him now, both on the “Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior” DVD, as well as throughout my WrestleMania DVD collection, it amazes me how awful a wrestler he actually was and just how insane and nonsensical his promos were.

Once again, just for fun, let’s take a look at another one of Warrior’s promos, just in case anyone has forgotten them. From a 1990 edition of Saturday Night’s Main Event:

“I can smell it…it is in the air…the cosmic powers of Mars…the clouds of Jupiter…the rings of Saturn…the boiling heat of Mercury. Something’s gonna happen, Warriors. I can feel it. Warriors, I need not Earthquake insurance. I need not health insurance. I will never need life insurance. For the Warriors all know, the life that flows in their body IS NOT THAT OF THE NORMALS. The marrow in these bones is of a different composition. The blood in these veins is of a different consistency. The brain waves in my mind are of an unknown frequency. The muscles that the Warriors attach themselves to is of a different structure. Not even you Dino Bravo… not even you Jimmy Hart…not even a natural disaster, can stop me, as I take the Warriors and fulfill the Ultimate Destiny.”

(If you haven’t already figured this out, I’m really enjoying quoting the Warrior, here.)

I think something should be said about the accuracy of many statements made in the WWE’s “Self-Destruction of The Ultimate Warrior” DVD. For as much of an obvious hack-job as the DVD was, it’s not like anyone had to LIE about it. Warrior couldn’t wrestle. His promos made no sense. He never appreciated anything that was handed to him, and Warrior was handed quite a bit by the WWE. Warrior pissed off just about everyone he ever worked with, and he didn’t give a damn about the wrestling business. The funniest part, though, is that Warrior actually construes his lack of appreciation for the wrestling business as a positive. Which brings us, once again, to a quote from Warrior’s website:

“The bigger obstacle, and definitely the one that has us both (Warrior and Bill Goldberg, who Warrior mentions earlier in his 2/22/06 Update) the most hated in the industry, is that we are strong individualists who don’t need, or even necessarily want, to be in the business and can get along having great lives without it.”

Yeah. Actual Quote. The wrestling business, and WWE in particular, gave Warrior everything he’s ever had as far as success, notoriety, money and fame, including his very name, and this here, is the extent of gratitude Warrior shows the business for everything it’s given to him. That right there makes me sick. The very fact that he continues to parlay his fame, which he received from his time in the wrestling business, into a “motivational speaking” career as well as licensing a creative property that rightly belongs to Vincent Kennedy McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment ought to turn the stomach of just about every wrestling fan, promoter, and worker worth his own sense of morality.

But, you know, for all the sickening, infuriating, and downright confusing aspects of Warrior’s egomaniacal self-delusion, the one thing I will say is that at least nowadays, the Warrior can actually write something that almost makes sense. You know, unlike this promo, from 1990’s Royal Rumble:

“If they refuse to understand that the power of the Ultimate Warrior has spread like a virus through the WWF then let them continue to walk as normal as they seem. But if those twenty eight normal men want to have special attractions such as the Royal Rumble then you and I as the Warrior’s, the most powerful force in the WWF, will continue to see it only as another challenge, only as another day of combat. Twenty eight of those normal men stacked one on top of another can’t come close to the billions and the destinations from parts unknown. You realize, as I do, that the twenty ninth man, you Hulk Hogan, walk with a different force field around you, walk on horizons that are close to where I’ve been. But no one in the Royal Rumble shall form a team. Every man will fight for what he feels is within himself. And I, the Ultimate Warrior, will fulfill another destiny.”

That one really makes you think, doesn’t it? Just imagine how well this guy would go over in today’s wrestling scene! Perhaps he could have a feud with the new, openly-gay Kanyon over whether queering makes the world work or whatever. I can see it now – Warrior cuts all these homophobic promos until one day, Kanyon plays the old tapes from Warrior’s days in WCW, when he was doing some OBVIOUS “queering” with “The Disciple” Ed Leslie…

You remember Ed Leslie, don’t you? You know, Brutus “That’s not anthrax! That’s just cocaine!” Beefcake? Oh, don’t tell me you don’t remember ol’ Bruti coming down to the ring with kilos of coke and passing them out to all the little kids! And what about the merchandising! You don’t remember the “Beefcake Dime Bags” or the “OUCH! I Just Broke My Face While Snorting Cocaine Off A Water-Ski!” Foam Fingers, or even the “Dope-Nose” Facemasks? What about the “Got Blow?” T-Shirts? You don’t remember the T-Shirts?!? WHAT KIND OF A WRESTLING FAN ARE YOU?!?!?

Okay, okay… I guess I’ll save the “Brutus Beefcake Theorem” for another day. Just remember kids:

Got to hand it to that Warrior fellow, there. That line never stops being funny, especially when you can imagine Warrior, in the face paint and the tassels, shaking the ropes like a madman and screaming this at the top of his lungs. That, right there, makes this whole man’s existence worthwhile…