Credit: PWTorch.com
WWE Smackdown on UPN
March 17, 2006
Taped March 14, 2006 in Bossier City, Louisiana
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist
– We began with clips from last week when Mark Henry squashed Kurt Angle through a table. They replayed it from hundreds of different angles.
– Michael Cole set the stage for the six-man tag match of Mark Henry and MNM vs. Angle, Rey, and Randy. Yes, it makes no sense for Henry and Randy to be on opposite teams.
– Lumberjacks were assembled ringside to pantomime before the Finlay-Lashley match. We saw a replay of their parking lot brawl last week.
1 — FIT FINLAY vs. BOBBY LASHLEY — Money in the Bank qualifier and Lumberjack match
Lashley charged the ring and kicked Finlay to the outside. Finlay fought off the cruiserweight babyface lumberjacks. So much for them. Back in the ring, Lashley slammed Finlay on his back. Lashley went for a roll up for a quick win, which is completely self-defeating for a babyface who is supposed to be an asskicker. The heel and babyface lumberjacks squared off in the ring. Lashley stared the heels down then rolled into the ring. Finlay attacked Lashley in the corner. Orlando Jordan held Lashley’s foot. Cole said Orlando is supposed to be an impartial lumberjack. Of course, there has never been an impartial lumberjack in the history of this match. Finlay tossed Lashley to the outside and the “impartial” heels jacks beat up Lashley. Cole continued to plead his case of impartiality to no avail. In the ring, Finlay applied a reverse chinlock. Lashley fought to his feet and backed Finlay into the corner. He answered with a clothesline. Finlay made a cover for a nearfall. Lashley made his superman comeback at 5:30. However, Finlay knocked him to the outside and the heel jacks beat him up. Back in the ring, Finlay went back to work with forearm blows in the corner. Finlay ate the corner post. Lashley delivered forearm blows. He hit a majestic overhead suplex. His next few moves weren’t crisp. Then, he hit a high vertical suplex after holding Finlay in the air for several seconds. The crowd ate it up. Lashley and Finlay brawled to the outside. Lashley fought off the heels. He rolled Finlay back into the ring and stalked him. Sylvan entered the ring with a chair. Lashley speared him and the chair. He did too much posing – looking like a dolt – then turned around and Finlay smashed him over the head with the shillelagh. He made the cover for the win.
WINNER: Finlay at 9:28. Lashley was booked to like dumb in this match. First, a babyface doesn’t go for a quick roll up to win a fight. Second, Lashley looked like a dolt for posing with his back to Finlay – after merely spearing Sylvan – before walking into a foreign object shot. A poorly put together match.
[Commercial Break]
– The WrestleMania Rewind was from WM 17 at the eighth wonder of the world, the Houston Astrodome. Somehow, Iron Sheik won.
– Michael Cole plugged Hogan Knows Best Part 2. News flash: Brooke’s still a virgin.
– Mercury and Nitro were ogling over the Vince McMahon Muscle and Fitness magazine. Mercury had Candice Michelle’s Playboy. Melina walked over to see what they were up to. They hid the magazines. Nitro accused Mercury of being a pervert. Melina took the McMahon magazine and said she would use it for her personal gratification. She told Mercury to use his imagination as to what she meant. Please, don’t. Melina said she had some business to take care of. Conveniently, Kristal Marshall was stretching just a few paces away. Melina complemented Kristal then reminded her of who’s the top diva in WWE. Kristal wasn’t pleased. Paul Burchill interrupted. Melina made fun of the pirate get-up then called over MNM. They made fun of him. He pulled out his sword and MNM quickly excused themselves. Burchill smiled. Kristal made a sexual innuendo that didn’t get over. Burchill looked down at his crotch.
– Randy Orton was shown sitting down for an interview. Cole said it would be “point and counter point.”
[Commercial Break]
2 — WILLIAM REGAL & JILLIAN HALL vs. PAUL BURCHILL & KRISTAL MARSHALL
WWE has obviously figured out what was bringing down JBL’s character and they moved her to Regal’s side. Burchill’s music sounds like something from Inspector Gadget. Kristal seductively walked the ropes, but no one paid attention. Jillian and Kristal shoved each other to start the match. Kristal executed a head scissors take over. Regal entered the ring and accepted a slap to the face. Kristal ran to her corner and tagged in Burchill, who Cole said brought the character to life because of his ancestry. Burchill and Regal tried to build momentum. Regal applied a reverse chin lock to a chant of “this move sucks.” Ok, actually it was “Regal sucks.” Jillian screamed from the apron in the direction of the dissenting voices. Burchill came back with a moonsault off the ropes. Kristal and Jillian had a cat fight and Jillian ended up outside of the ring. Burchill hit his unique overhead flip slam finisher for the win.
WINNERS: Burchill & Kristal at 4:23. Acceptable action. Kristal is competent in the ring and she was protected well in this match.
– Booker T was trying to calm Sharmell down backstage. Booker said he had something to take care of her hysteria. He presented her with a box and told her to trust him. She stopped screaming.
– Rey Mysterio sat down for the three-person interview.
[Commercial Break]
Albany 36, Connecticut 33 in the second half. Unbelievable.
– Michael Cole and Tazz discussed the Hall of Fame. They made the second-hand Verne Gagne announcement. Cole said Greg Gagne was a great sports entertainer in his own right.
– Sharmell came out in a bee suit. She stuttered through her induction of Booker T. Booker was looking around for Boogeyman while walking with Sharmell to the ring.
3 — BOOKER T (w/Sharmell) vs. JEREMY YOUNG
Booker went right after Young with a clothesline. He told Young to get up. He landed a side kick to the chest. Sharmell gasped for air in the bee suit on the outside. Booker stomped a mud hole on Young in the corner. Booker caught Young off the ropes and dropped him with a slam. The fans chanted for Boogeyman. Booker hit the axe kick for the win.
Afterwards, Sharmell quickly entered the ring to take off. Before they could leave the ring, Boogeyman’s music played. The lights went down and smoke filled the arena. Booker and Sharmell looked for an escape so they went under the ring. Boogeyman was under the ring and he chased them out. He ate worms.
WINNER: Booker T at 3:05. Impact-style squash leading to a storyline for SNME.
Albany 43, Connecticut 33. 7 points in one segment.
[Commercial Break]
– We saw a video on Mark Henry setting the stage for Undertaker-Henry in a casket match at Mania.
– We saw footage from Randy Orton jumping John Cena on Raw.
– Michael Cole spoke to Kurt Angle, Rey Mysterio, and Randy Orton about the Mania title match. Randy interrupted Cole’s first question. Randy asked Angle about his health. Angle smirked and said Randy’s a funny guy. “Not so good,” Angle said. “I live through pain everyday.” He started to do the broken neck Olympic victory, but Randy interrupted and told Angle to shut up about it. He addressed Rey. He said he would embarrass Rey. Angle defended Rey. I guess Rey doesn’t have a voice. Angle reminded Randy that Rey eliminated him at the Rumble. He said the only reason Randy is in the main event is because he played with Rey’s emotions. Randy said Angle is champion only because Angle slipped through a loophole to win a battle royale. Whammy. “You are a paper champion,” Randy told Angle. Angle reminded Randy how many times he’s been champion. He said Randy held the title once for just one time. (Thank you, Hunter.) Angle called Randy a “paper contender.” Geez. Randy sarcastically said Angle hurt his feelings. He called Rey a charity case. Rey said people have told him that his whole career. He said dreams come true. “At WrestleMania, Rey Mysterio will become World Heavyweight Champion,” Rey said.
Cole reminded all three that they will be partners at SNME. Rey spoke first. He said he respects Angle and Randy. He said there should be no doubt he would have his back at SNME. Angle reiterated Rey’s sentiment. He said the match was very important and he wanted to win. He wanted cohesiveness, but all bets were off at Mania. He warned Rey that someone would tap out and he would not lost the title. Cole asked Randy about his plans tonight and at SNME. Randy said it would be a tragedy if Rey were injured tonight or tomorrow. He said he would dominate. Cole set the stage for tonight’s main event and the SNME main event. A forced interview to say the least. The respect card translated into a weak buyrate for the Undertaker-Angle No Way Out PPV. This one is missing some juice.
Albany 52, Connecticut 50. 7 minutes left.
[Commercial Break]
– We saw another video preview for Mike Mizanin.
4 — ANIMAL vs. MATT HARDY — Money in the Bank qualifying match
Animal traded in his face paint and ring attire for a leather jacket, chaps, jeans, and generic heel music. Cole said Animal believes the fans have been holding him back because they want to re-live the Legion of Doom tag team. Nice try. Hardy carefully entered the ring and attacked Animal. They traded blows. Animal took out Hardy with a chop block and focused his attack on the knee. Hardy made his comeback at 2:12 with a reverse DDT. He hit the side effect for a nearfall. Hardy delivered blows in the corner. He accidentally hit referee Charles Robinson in the face with an elbow. That allowed Animal to pull out brass knucks from his pocket. Hardy checked on Chuck then turned around and took a shot to the face with the knucks. Animal made the cover for the win.
Afterwards, Robinson found the brass knucks and reversed the decision. Animal was irate. He screamed at Hardy then landed a right hand. Hardy took it like a castrated babyface. Animal stormed around the ring. Hardy was motionless on the mat.
WINNER: Matt Hardy via DQ in a reversed decision at 3:16. To show how far down the ladder Hardy has slipped, WWE had to book a screwjob reverse decision to get Hardy in the Money in the Bank match. This feud has no life.
Connecticut 61, Albany 55. My bracket is safe for now.
[Commercial Break]
– JBL’s limo pulled up to the entrance ramp. JBL carried a beer cooler to the ring. They aired a lengthy Austin video package. JBL joined Cole and Tazz ringside for commentary. JBL pointed out that he will be on three major TV networks within the next 24 hours. Let’s hope he doesn’t embarrass himself on Fox News as Hogan did on every media outlet he appeared on.
5 — CHRIS BENOIT vs. ORLANDO JORDAN — Non-title match
JBL screamed through Benoit’s entrance music. Benoit took it to Orlando early on. Hey, Orlando lasted longer than 23 seconds! Of course, no one acknowledged that fact because WWE has a ridiculously short memory. JBL quoted Rush Limbaugh and Shawn Michaels. Instead of “God,” he said “Wall Street.” JBL said Austin rode the short bus in school and he doesn’t matter in Texas. JBL said Orlando is one of the greatest athletes in the history of Smackdown. (Heels sure do lie.) JBL complemented Benoit on being a great wrestler and worthy of carrying the Smackdown brand. Cole asked JBL if he knew what a filibuster was. JBL said he was fined in Germany one time. He said he didn’t want to talk about it. Benoit applied the Sharpshooter and forced Orlando to tap out. Afterwards, JBL attacked Benoit with the beer cooler. JBL slowly walked out of the ring staring into the crowd.
WINNER: Chris Benoit at 3:46. Basic match. JBL was fine on commentary. WWE’s short-term memory is comical and absurd all at the same time.
Connecticut 72, Albany 59. Millions of people can exhale with their brackets still intact.
[Commercial Break]
– We saw video from two weeks ago when Undertaker had Angle pinned for the title and Mark Henry interfered. Way to protect the current World Champ. Goodness. Cole confirmed Undertaker-Henry in a casket match at Mania.
– Josh Matthews was backstage with Henry and Daivari. Matthews asked him about Taker’s challenge. Henry said he’s supposed to just pack up and go home when Taker challenges him. He said he’s not going to pack up and go home. “I fear not,” he said. “I dared Undertaker to come out and go face-to-face. I’m not the one who didn’t show up last week. Tomorrow, in Detroit, I challenge Undertaker to bring it to me and I will be in the ring and I’m calling the dead man out.” Good promo.
– MNM did the ring entrance. Michael Cole said he still has dreams about Melina from when she danced on the announce table. Tazz called Cole a loser for dreaming about her. Cole retorted that it’s the closest Tazz ever could come to Melina. Tazz answered with rundown of Smackdown sponsors. Mark Henry and Daivari came out. Cole asked if Rey, Randy, and Angle could co-exist.
[Commercial Break]
– The babyfaces made their individual entrances. Angle was sporting taped ribs. Well, we know where the heels are going to focus their attack. Rey had some jazzy 1995-era Sandman red, white, and blue pants. Randy was back to his old music. Thank goodness! Cole said it makes him sick to root for Randy as part of Smackdown’s team at SNME. Tazz told Cole he has to in order to defend Smackdown’s pride. Randy slapped Nitro before the opening bell. Cole called Randy an egoistical jackass.
6 — MARK HENRY (w/Daivari) & MNM (MERCURY & NITRO w/Melina) vs. KURT ANGLE & REY MYSTERIO & RANDY ORTON
Nitro worked on Angle to begin the match. He went right after the ribs within the first 30 seconds. Angle blocked a double sledgehammer off the top turnbuckle and dropped Nitro with a belly-to-belly suplex. Rey and Mercury took tags. Rey hit a moonsault for a close nearfall. Rey scored with a bulldog. Rey snapped off a head scissors take over after several revolutions around Nitro’s back. Henry tagged in. Tazz tried not to say that Rey was small compared to Henry. Instead of taking the cue, Cole pointed out that Rey is the smallest guy in the match. “I try not to use those words,” Tazz responded. Rey fought back against Henry. Randy attacked his teammate, allowing the heels to take control again. Melina screamed as MNM went for pin attempts on Rey leading to a break.
[Commercial Break]
Rey did the Eddie Guerrero shake to escape a bear hug from Nitro. Rey turned a suplex into a small package. However, the referee was distracted and missed the cover. The heels ganged up on Rey on the outside. Rey recovered on the apron and Melina wrapped her thighs around Rey’s head and squeezed. Rey came back with a double foot kick to the chest. Mercury dragged Rey to the heel corner. They continued to work on Rey. Henry missed with a splash and he made the hot tag to Angle when Randy feigned having something in his eye. Angle snapped off a series of suplexes. He gave Mercury the Angle Slam and had the pin, but Henry broke it up. Angle hit the Angle Slam on Henry. Randy mockingly cheered his team on. Rey hit the 619 on Mercury. Randy tagged himself in, cleared Rey out of the ring, and covered Mercury for the win. Angle chased Randy out of the ring.
WINNERS: Randy & Rey & Angle at 14:20. Decent action. Good job of establishing Randy’s character and making the most of a strange pairing. However, it didn’t feel like a monumental lead in to WWE’s biggest show in a long time.
