THE TWO SHEDS REVIEW by Julian Radbourne
E-mail: twosheds316@aol.com
Website: www.twoshedsreview.com
It’s that time of the month again, as both WWE brands band together to bring us the 19th annual Royal Rumble, live from the AT American Airlines Arena in Miami.
We kick things off with the Open Invitational for the Cruiserweight title, a match in which all former Cruiserweight champions take part – current champ Kid Kash, Paul London, Funaki, Nunzio, Jamie Noble, and the surprise entrant, Raw’s Gregory Helms. A great way to kick off the show, with some good high spots from all the men involved. Helms emerged as the winner, preventing Funaki’s tap-out to Noble’s dragon sleeper, then pinning Funaki after a shining wizard. Looks the Crusierweight title’s going over to Raw folks!
Backstage, Vince McMahon tells Teddy Long that he’s handling things tonight. Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle and Victoria are also there to help with the Royal Rumble draw. First we see Orton and Triple H drawing their numbers. Orton is as happy as Larry, while the Game is far from please.
In the corridor, Mickie James drops a bombshell, and tells Trish Stratus that she loves her. HLA anyone?
Then it’s time for the women’s match, as Ashley Massaro takes on Mickie James, with Trish Stratus as the special referee. Definitely not much to write home about here, as Massaro shows she clearly isn’t ready for a match of this calibre. James gets the win with a roll-up out of the corner, while holding on to the rights as a reluctant Trish counts to three. Afterwards, James tries to hug Stratus.
In the drawing room, the girls show Vince their tattoos, before the Big Show and Rey Mysterio walk in and draw their numbers. While Show looks content with his number, Rey, who had dedicated his performance to Eddie Guerrero, looks up to the sky and with a big smile on his face. “You got me man!” So did he get a good draw or bad draw?
Then it’s time for the freak show, as the Boogeyman takes on JBL. Smackdown’s newest sensation proves to be a ton of smoke without any fire. Bradshaw, who just a few months before was portrayed as one of the most dominant champions in WWE history, and as a wrestling god, goes down in under two minutes to a man who, although he has a great gimmick, only seems able to punch and kick before executing a pump-handle power slam. A complete waste of time, and either JBL has done something to really annoy the creative team recently or their so blinded by the smoke of the Boogeyman’s entrance that they can’t see what’s going on.
In the drawing room, Shelton and his mamma draw their number, before Shelton promises to take Michaels out, as do MNM moments later after they draw their numbers. A few seconds later, Vince settles down on the sofa with the girls to watch the Rumble. Lucky git.
Then, it’s time for the Rumble match itself. Wait a minute? Did I miss something here? I thought the Rumble match was meant to be the main event? Or maybe I just skipped the two title matches that we were promised. Sadly, this doesn’t prove to be the case, so I’ll still have to put up with Mark Henry later.
As you should all know by now, although I enjoy these kind of bouts, I don’t enjoy reporting on them. So here’s a few brief snippets for you;
It was good to see Rob Van Dam back where he belonged, although it’s still hard to tell how much ring rust he has. Shawn Michaels put in another typically good performance before being eliminated by Shane McMahon, who wasn’t even one of the participants. Goldust and Tatanka made surprise appearances, with the Native American looking quite good, and Eugene made a surprise return from rehab.
But the performance of the night has to go to Triple H. Drawing number one, the game lasted an hour as he took a pasting from everyone, and brought back memories of Ric Flair’s great performance to win the 1992 Royal Rumble. Only marginally behind the Game as far as performance goes was Rey Mysterio. Drawing number two, Mysterio outlasted everyone, eliminating Triple H before taking out the last man, Randy Orton, to win the Rumble. To say that he was a popular winner would be an understatement, and I have to admit I kind of marked out as the end of the match got nearer and nearer, and it looked more and more likely that Mysterio could go all the way and win the whole thing. A good match here.
Backstage, Mickie James thinks Trish Stratus really does love her, but Trish tells her she was only doing her job. Then, Rey Mysterio is shown backstage celebrating, until Edge rains on his parade and tells him not to even think about switching to Raw and challenging him for the title.
Then it’s time for the WWE title match, as Edge defends against John Cena. Cena makes a dramatic entrance on some scaffolding thingy that drops down from the ceiling. We’re told by announcer Joey Styles that Edge’s championship reign has increased Raw’s ratings. Edge showed that he is ready for a lengthy reign as champion, and virtually dominated the entire match before Cena’s one comeback of the match, which saw him hit the FU before applying the STFU as Edge tapped out. Not a bad match, but one that certainly won’t be on any Match of the Year poll in twelve months.
Backstage, Todd Grisham tries to interview Edge and Lita. Not much to say here, but mark-out moment as none other than Hacksaw Jim Duggan appears and did his “hoooo” routine. I think you can guess who he was referring to here. Then Josh Matthews interviews Kurt Angle. Usual hyperbole stuff for the upcoming title defence here.
Then it’s the final bout of the evening as Kurt Angle defends the World title against Mark Henry. Bringing back memories of the appalling Triple H/Scott Steiner title bout from a few Rumbles ago, this match has to be one of the worst pay-per-view main events ever. Not even Angle could drag a good match out of Mark Henry here, once again proving that the so-called World’s strongest man just doesn’t have what it takes to be any kind of a wrestler, and you would have thought that after nearly ten years of trying the creative team would realise this by now. Angle wins after a ref bump and some chair shots in less than ten minutes. This one will certainly make it onto some polls in twelve months, as the worst match of 2006.
As Angle celebrates in the ring, the Undertaker makes one of his spectacular ring entrances, and without saying a word, challenges Angle for the title. Then, showing off some of his “powers”, the Undertaker makes lightning shoot out of the corner posts, making the ring collapse. The Undertaker then turns and walks away as the show comes to an end.
In conclusion – decidedly average. The opening cruiserweight match was a good way to open the show, but the whole show suffered by having the Rumble right in the middle of the card, and not at the end of the show. By the time Cena faced Edge for the title, the crowd were kind of dead, which hurt the reception given to both title matches. Mind you, Mark Henry did a lot to kill off the heat from the crowd himself. Let’s hope that the big goof is kept as far away from the main event scene as possible, and that his million dollar contract is left to run out peacefully, and that the words Mark Henry and contract renewal are never mentioned in the same sentence by anyone in authority.
