The Revolution has begun for the WWE in 2006. Last night at New Year’s Revolution, Edge finally cashed in his ‘money in the bank’ victory from Wrestlemania and took advantage of John Cena, who just wrestled in a twenty-eight minute Elimination Chamber match. What will happen to Edge and will he be bound for glory or will his title reign be short lived? What will happen now that we are less than three weeks away from the Royal Rumble? Did we see a love connection last night between Shelton’s mama and the big man in pajamas? Is Mickie James still obsessed with Trish Stratus despite not winning the women’s title last night? Will Maria interview anyone as interesting as the person she interviewed last night at the pay per view? Will we hear from Matt Hardy about Edge’s title victory?
Even though I will try to get the Unlimited segments in this report, make sure to check out Brian Richey’s detailed Unlimited Report on the main site.
We begin with footage of last night’s Elimination Chamber match that saw John Cena retain the WWE Title. Then we see Vince McMahon come out and announce that Edge will face John Cena after cashing in his ‘money in the bank’; and we see Edge win the WWE Title after a second spear.
We are live from Hershey, Pennsylvania and your announcers are Joey ‘Oh My God’ Styles, Jonathan ‘White Chocolate’ Coachman, and Jerry ‘How about some kisses’ Lawler.
The former champ John Cena comes to the ring to address the crowd. Cena asks the crowd if they can get any louder. He wants them to go all out if they want to do it. He says that he is trying to understand things. He assumes that life is full of choices. Last night, Edge had a very opportunistic chance to cash in his ‘money in the bank’ to win the WWE championship. Tonight, the fans are making a choice. Some have made a choice that John Cena sucks. John says that there are some people who chose to ride with him through the good times and the bad times, not because it was the cool thing to do. Cena mentions Allen Iverson and that there are a million people who love him and ten million people who hate him. He goes to bat for everyone who rides with him. For the ones who are drinking Haterade, they can kiss his ass. Cena says tonight he is making a choice. Tonight, he is going to cash in on his rematch clause. He wants a piece of Edge for the WWE Title.
Edge’s music plays and Lita comes out with the WWE Title belt. Lita asks Cena if he wants another chance to be champion. He will get a chance, but not tonight. The new WWE Champion, Edge, sees things a little bit differently. Edge thought it would be a good idea to talk to Vince McMahon, and after some oral persuasion, he agreed with Edge and Lita that Cena doesn’t get his rematch until the Royal Rumble. Lita says that Edge is not going to be doing any fighting tonight, but he will be doing something else that starts with the letter ‘f’. The only wrestling that Edge is going to do tonight is with Lita in the middle of the ring. They are going to go to the ring and take off their clothes and they will get into bed. Lita says that unlike John Cena, Edge is going to go more than two minutes. Lita says that it will be a ménage a trios. It will be Lita, Edge, and the WWE title. Lita says that Edge knows what to do in bed, and he knows what to do in the ring. That is why Edge is going to win at the Royal Rumble, and Cena can bank on that. Tonight, Edge is going to do what none of the boys in the building can do, and that is getting laid. Lita mocks the ‘You Can’t See Me’ and starts to walk away. Cena calls Lita a one woman hooker parade. Some may think that Cena sucks, but they know that Lita does. Cena tells Lita to go backstage and tell Mr. Opportunity that he made a wise decision last night. He wants Lita to tell Edge that he made a mistake. At the Royal Ruble, he will beat Edge’s ass, and she can bank on that. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Mickie James comes to the ring. Mickie introduces herself to the crowd in case they don’t know her. She mentions that last night, her dreams became a reality when she got to wrestle her idol, the greatest women’s champion, Trish Stratus. Her whole life, she has wanted nothing more than to be a WWE Diva. Mickie says that her grand pappy was looking down on the match and he was smiling because Mickie got to wrestle her hero. Mickie hopes that Trish’s dreams came true. Last night, their skin touched and that was magical.
We are back on USA and Trish Stratus comes to the ring. Mickie stops the music and she tells the crowd that it isn’t the way to cheer for the women’s champion. We see footage from the bra and panties gauntlet match that was won by Ashley, and her post match striptease.
Match Number One: Trish Stratus versus Ashley Massaro for the WWE Women’s Title
Mickie gets in the ring after the bell rings before going to the floor. Ashley with an arm bar and hammer lock, but Trish reverses. Ashley reverses on more time. Ashley with a side head lock into a hammer lock. Trish with an elbow followed by a fireman’s carry for a two count. Trish with a hammer lock into a side head lock and a side head lock take down for a one count. Ashley with a head scissors, but Trish escapes. Trish with another side head lock take down. Ashley grabs Trish’s legs as she charges into the corner and drops Trish on the mat. Ashley covers, but Mickie gets into the ring and hits Ashley. The ref calls for the bell.
Winner: Ashley (by disqualification)
After the match, Trish tries to separate Mickie from Ashley and then yells at her as we go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Todd Grisham is in the back waiting for Ashley. Trish tries to apologize to Ashley, but she has drawn the line. Who Trish hangs out is a representation of herself. Ashley calls Mickie a psycho and walks away. Trish does not want to talk to Todd and she walks away.
We are back and Rob Van Dam will be back soon as well at the Royal Rumble.
Vince comes into the locker room to congratulate John Cena for winning last night. Vince talks about how it was a great moment. He talks about the first time for things. It will be the first time that Edge will face John Cena at the Royal Rumble. Vince talks about the live sex celebration tonight and he says that it is not his idea; it is Edge and Lita’s. Vince does not want any interruption. Cena mentions that it will be freaky because one of the people is a certifiable ho. Vince tells John if he interferes, he loses his rematch at the Rumble. Cena says that he will not interfere. Cena tells Vince to check out an area for some of the ‘oral persuasion’.
Carlito is in the locker room and Chris Masters grabs him by the throat. Masters says that he had a plan to become the WWE Champion. They eliminated Michaels and Kane, but then he got screwed instead of getting John Cena to submit to the Master Lock. Masters asks Carlito if he can trust him. Carlito says that he can be trusted. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Todd Grisham wants to see some signs in the crowd.
Rob Conway comes to the ring.
We return to Raw on USA and Rob Conway’s music is still playing.
Match Number Two: Rob Conway versus Chavo Guerrero in a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match
Conway with a side head lock and shoulder tackle and then Conway mocks Chavo. Chavo slaps Conway and then punches Conway and slams his head into the turnbuckle. Conway with forearms to Chavo, but Chavo with an Irish whip, clothesline and knee lift. Conway throws Chavo over the top rope, but Chavo tries to skin the cat. However, Conway with a running knee that knocks Chavo to the floor. Conway sends Chavo into the ring apron and then Irish whips him into the ringside barrier. They return to the ring and Conway with an elbow to Chavo and a two count. Conway with a neck vice with his knee in Chavo’s back. Conway with a forearm, but Chavo with an enzuigiri that sends Conway to the floor. Chavo with a pescado onto Conway. Chavo with a Latino uppercut and then rolls Conway back into the ring. Chavo with a kick followed by two clotheslines. Chavo with a tilt-a-whirl head scissors and then he goes up for the punches of ten, but Conway pushes him off at five. Chavo with a standing drop kick for a two count. Conway with a boot when Chavo charges into the corner. Chavo with a cross body, but Conway rolls over and Rob gets a two count. Conway with a neckbreaker and then Conway mocks Eddie Guerrero. Chavo with the Three Amigos vertical suplex combination and then he goes up top for the frog splash and hits it for the three count. We go to commercial.
Winner: Chavo Guerrero (in the Royal Rumble)
On Unlimited, Candice Michelle comes out with Victoria and Torrie Wilson and they are wearing matching outfits. Coach is in the ring with them and they circle him. He wants to know what they are doing. Candice reminds the crowd who she is and then tells us that she is with Torrie Wilson and Victoria. She says that they are Vince’s Devils. They want to wish Edge and Lita good luck in their ‘live sex celebration’. She says that it will be orgasmic and then they leave.
We return to USA with a Wrestlemania 22 ‘Big Time’ Moment. It is Edge winning the ‘Money in the Bank’ match at last year’s Wrestlemania.
Shawn Michaels is in the locker room and Kurt Angle enters with Daivari. Angle says that last night he had John Cena ready to tap out. Michaels stops Angle and reminds him that he did give him Sweet Chin Music, but it was after getting his face rammed into the cage. That was last night. They have to worry about tonight since Vince made them tag team partners. Shawn asks Angle if he can trust him. Angle shows Shawn his gold medal. Angle reminds Shawn about his history of stabbing people in the back and wants to know if he can trust him. Angle brings up the zero tolerance policy and then Angle and Daivari leave.
Shelton and his mama are walking in the back as they talk about last night’s match. Val Venis is folding his towel and she wants to meet Val. She introduces herself to Val and she says that she remembers him from somewhere. Val runs through some of the movies and she gets angry at Shelton. She says that Val is going to hell, and he will be going to hell tonight.
We see Carlito and Chris Masters come to the ring as well as some photos from the Elimination Chamber match. Before Michaels and Angle come out we go to commercial.
Carlito gets on the mic on Unlimited and he says that his partner Chris Masters looks great. He is a jacked up freak and says that he is cool. That is why they make such a great team. He shows footage of what happened in the Elimination Chamber match when they eliminated Kane and Shawn Michaels. They show the footage of Masters putting Cena in the Master Lock, and Carlito wants them to stop the footage, but we see Carlito with the low blow and pin of Masters. Carlito tells Chris to calm down and that forgiveness is cool. They are a team and Michaels and Angle have no chance if they stick together.
We are back and Chris Masters is yelling at Carlito, but they are stopped by Kurt Angle’s music that sucks as Kurt Angle (with Khosrow Daivari) comes to the ring. His tag team partner, Shawn Michaels comes out last.
Match Number Three: Carlito and Chris Masters (and his amazing Technicolor Ring Robe) versus Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle (with Khosrow Daivari)
Angle and Michaels argue over who is going to start the match, but Masters and Carlito attack both men. Michaels and Carlito fight while Masters and Angle fight. Angle and Michaels get the advantage and Angle throws Masters out of the ring. Michaels with a back elbow to Carlito followed by a side head lock take down. Michaels with a side head lock as they get back to their feet. Carlito tries to get out of the hold, but Michaels holds on to Carlito’s hair. Michaels with a shoulder tackle, but Carlito with a hip toss. Angle tags in and he kicks Carlito followed by a side head lock take down for a one count. Carlito with forearms to get out of the hold. Angle with a fireman’s carry into a side head lock. Carlito punches Angle in the abdomen and hits a belly-to-back suplex and both men are down. Carlito kicks Angle, but Angle with an Irish whip. Angle charges into a boot, but Angle with a clothesline for a two count. Michaels tags in and he punches Carlito before chopping him in the corner. Carlito kicks Michaels and he tags in Masters, but Chris misses an elbow drop. Michaels with chops to Masters and he tags in Angle who has Masters in a key lock. Masters with a single leg trip and then he punches Angle. Masters with an Irish whip, but he charges into an Angle boot. Angle with a punch to Masters, but Masters with a power slam and he sets up for the Master Lock, but Angle counters and hits a German suplex. Angle charges into the corner, but Masters moves and Angle hits the ring post hard. Carlito knocks Michaels off the apron to the floor. Angle yells at Michaels on the floor. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Masters rolls Angle back in. Angle with a European uppercut while Michaels chops Carlito on the floor. Angle with a cover for a one count. Masters with a jawbreaker and both men are down. Carlito tags in and he kicks Angle in the leg. Carlito with shoulders in the corner on Angle and then he kicks Angle. Angle comes back with a European uppercut, but Carlito with a back elbow off the ropes and he gets a two count. Masters tags back in and he hits two leg drops on Angle and gets a two count. Masters backs Angle into their corner and then while the ref is busy with Masters, Carlito chokes him. The ref focuses on Michaels and that allows Masters and Carlito to double team Angle. Carlito tags in and suplexes Angle for a two count.
We return to USA and Carlito kicks and punches Angle in the corner. Carlito continues the attack with more kicks. Angle ducks a clothesline and tries for a German suplex, but Carlito lands on his feet. Angle responds with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Masters and Michaels tag in and Michaels chops Masters followed by a flying forearm and kip up. Michaels with a reverse atomic drop and clotheslines to Masters and Carlito. Michaels throws Carlito over the top rope to the floor. Michaels slams Masters and then he goes up top for the elbow drop. Michaels sets up for Sweet Chin Music, but Masters grabs the ref and that allows Carlito to trip Michaels and pull him into the ring post. Carlito tags in and he covers Michaels for a two count. Carlito with a sleeper on Michaels. Michaels escapes, but Carlito with a standing drop kick for a two count. Carlito with a rear chin lock on Michaels. Michaels with elbows to try to get out of the hold, but Carlito with a lung blower to Michaels. Michaels with a back body drop and then he tries to get to the corner, but Angle walks on the apron to talk to Daivari. Carlito with an elbow to Michaels and he pulls Shawn into their corner and Masters tags in and punches Michaels. Masters with a knee to Michaels back followed by an elbow. Masters with a press slam to Michaels and he signals and calls for the Master Lock. Angle plays with the tag rope. Michaels drops down and kicks Masters followed by a DDT and both men are down. Michaels rolls towards his corner while Angle fixes the tag rope. Angle has some words with Daivari. Michaels punches Angle and hip tosses him into the ring and hits Sweet Chin Music on Angle. Masters puts Angle in the Master Lock and Angle is out. Michaels waves goodbye to Angle and walks to the back. Daivari yells at Michaels, but Michaels responds with Sweet Chin Music to Daivari. Angle is out and the ref checks the arm and he calls for the bell.
Winners: Carlito and Chris Masters
After the match, Shawn Michaels wipes the blood from his brow and smiles. Angle is furious at what happened. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Trevor Murdoch talks about King Kong. It is about a beauty who falls in love with a beast. It reminds him of what he saw as a young boy. Trevor talks about Edge and Lita’s celebration. Trevor talks about a sex show he saw. It was in a barn at his cousin’s barn. It made him appreciate what love is about. Trevor says that milk does a body good, but that isn’t all you can get from Bessie.
We are back and Shawn Michaels is walking in the back and Vince stops him. He says that Shawn is busted up, but not as bad as last night. Vince says that Shawn might think he got one over Vince by leaving Kurt Angle out there. The Shawn Michaels who stabs people in the back. Since Shawn couldn’t trust Angle, he can trust Vince to provide the best Raw each week. Next week, Kurt Angle will face Shawn Michaels one-on-one. This match will be the match to ‘move on’. Vince tells Shawn to get his face checked out.
We see footage of Triple H’s match against Big Show that was won by Triple H with the Pedigree.
Todd Grisham is with Triple H in the interview area. Hunter wants to talk about last night. It was the night that shook up the world. The man who was on top for nine months, the man who couldn’t be beaten lost the title. He lost to a man who wasn’t even in the picture. Things are loco around here. There is one constant here, and that is Triple H. He told everyone that if you screw with Triple H, you are going to get hurt. Last night, seven feet and 500 pounds fell before him. Triple H says that you can put money on this. He is going to win the Royal Rumble and he will become the WWE champion at Wrestlemania. He does not care who it is, but at Wrestlemania, the king of kings goes back on his throne.
Candice, Torrie, and Victoria get into the bed and get close as they get under the covers.
We see footage from last night with Edge and Lita leaving the arena with the belt. Todd stops him and Edge says that it is about time that someone congratulates him. You cannot doubt him any more. Lita says that it calls for a celebration. Edge says that he has worked for 14 years to celebrate this victory so he is going to have ‘live torrid sex’ in the middle of the ring. He is the champ and he calls the shots. Edge tells Lita to save it for tomorrow. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Maria comes to the ring. She gets on the mic and she brought some kisses with her for the kiss cam.
We are back with footage from Dancing with the Stars and Stacy’s comments about the performance.
Match Number Four: Shelton Benjamin (with his mama) versus Val Venis in a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match
Benjamin attacks Venis as the bell rings and he punches Venis. Val punches and chops back and hits a running back elbow. Benjamin goes outside the ring and his mama cleans up his face. She gets between Val and Shelton and then she yells at Val and tells Val to get back into the ring. Venis gets back into the ring, but he is met with a knee lift. Benjamin with a slam to Venis and then he sends Venis into the ropes and connects with a forearm to Venis’s kidneys. Shelton stretches Val’s back and has Val in a rear chin lock. Venis with elbows to get out of the hold. Benjamin punches Val, but Val responds with a punch of his own. Venis gets the advantage with chops and a clothesline. Venis with elbows and punches followed by a half nelson slam for a two count. Benjamin with a double leg sweep. Venis with a two count on a small package. Benjamin with an elbow. Benjamin misses the dragon whip, but Venis grabs him and hits a spinebuster. Venis goes up top, but he misses the money shot when Benjamin moves. Benjamin with a rollup for a two count. Benjamin with knees to Venis. Venis kicks Benjamin and slams Shelton’s head into the turnbuckle. Benjamin lands on the turnbuckle when Venis moves on the Stinger Splash, but Venis only gets a two count on a rollup. Benjamin punches Venis and then tries for the Exploder, but Venis escapes the hold. Shelton’s mama stabs Venis with a hat pin and then Benjamin with the Exploder for the three count.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin (in the Royal Rumble)
After the match, Shelton celebrates with his mama. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Matt Striker says that he wants to help us by working on our vocabulary. He has a thesaurus with him. Matt says that it will help everyone be more like him and sound smart. Matt goes through some synonyms for educate. Matt mentions that some people use slang because they are on drugs and smoke ‘the pot’. Matt suggests leaving the uneducated smoke filled basements and come learn from him so you can be changed for the better.
We are back with the Royal Rumble commercial.
Match Number Five: Kane versus Gene Snitsky in a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match
Snitsky attack Kane as Kane enters the ring. Snitsky with a big boot to Kane, but Kane sits up and he connects with a big boot to a charging Snitsky. Kane with an Irish whip and running clothesline followed by a side slam and choke slam for the three count.
Winner: Kane (in Royal Rumble)
Kane gets on the mic and says that was only the first casualty on his road to Wrestlemania. Twenty-nine more await him at the Royal Rumble. Twenty-nine victims. Kane has his evil laugh and then he causes the ring posts to spit flames into the air.
A limo has arrived and Edge emerges. Lita greets him and he tells her to wait for the celebration. They walk inside as we go to commercial.
On Unlimited, they bring the bed into the ring for the ‘live sex celebration’.
We are back and Lillian Garcia introduces the new WWE champion, Edge, with Lita, as they come to the ring. Edge takes the mic and he says ‘The Champ is Here’. He repeats what he said. Edge give Lita the belt. He says that that best thing is that nobody saw it coming. He says that he outsmarted everyone in the most unpredictable move. He cashed in his ‘Money in the Bank’ match. He fooled them all. He goes through the members in the Elimination Chamber match. They killed themselves in that match and wonders why bother because in this industry, you don’t have to be the biggest. You don’t have to be the strongest. You don’t have to be the toughest. You have to be the smartest. He saw his opportunity and he bided his time. Just like he did with Lita. He saw what he wanted and like a thief in the night, he snuck in and took everything that he wanted. Last night, he took what he wanted most. He took the WWE Championship. He says that his name looks so good on the belt. He wants to reminisce about some of his finer moments in the WWE. We go to a video package that ends with Edge defeating John Cena last night at New Year’s Revolution to win the title. After watching that video package, Edge says that he is awesome. He says that people might think they went back to the hotel and performed some sexual gymnastics, but they abstained and waited for tonight to do it live on Raw. Edge suggests that it is time to let the celebration begin. Edge takes off Lita’s boots and top. Then it is Lita’s turn to take off Edge’s jacket and shirt. Edge takes off Lita’s skirt. Lita takes off Edge’s pants and they pull down the covers. Edge bends Lita over and then he undoes her bra. She goes under the covers and Edge joins her. Edge throws the bra onto the mat. The lights go out for a second, but the lights go back on and Edge emerges with Lita’s panties in his mouth. Edge grabs the belt and spins it. Ric Flair comes out and he has a mic with him. He wants to know if they are kidding him. He calls Edge a disgrace to the WWE championship. It takes blood, sweat, tears, and years of hard work to prove to everyone that you are championship quality. Tonight, Edge has proven that he is a bad champion, as well as ‘dead in the bed’. Flair takes off his jacket and says that he has to show Edge how to do it. Flair tells Lita to wait for him. Flair enters the ring and he punches Edge and Edge goes to the floor. Edge gets a chair and he hits Flair in the head with it. Edge rearranges the announce table and Flair is bleeding. Edge puts a chair on the announce table and he slams Flair’s head into it. Edge with the one man conchairto on Flair. Edge stands over Flair and John Cena comes through the crowd and he attacks Edge. Cena punches Edge, but Edge gets the belt and runs up the Rawest Ramp in Sports Entertainment. Cena realizes that he is in the ring with Lita and he takes off his shirt. John wants Edge to come to the ring, but Cena takes a look under the covers and sees what Lita is not wearing. Edge takes off the covers to reveal that Lita is still dressed. Cena gets Lita up and he gives her the FU.
