Hello and welcome once again to The Trademark Rants. Since we’re now about 4 days into the new year, I guess one would assume that it would be time for me to discuss the previous year, because, after all, who’s to say I have an original thought inside my supposedly empty head, right? But see, here’s the problem – there just isn’t much to say. It would be easy to just blast the WWE for all the dumb moves they made this year, but at least this year, they actually tried to do something different. For the first time in years, Triple H ISN’T being shoved down our throats as the next Ric Flair. No, instead, we have the failing fad known as “Cena-Mania” which is coming off more like Hulkamania II: Electric Boogaloo to anyone over 10. Watching Cena makes me feel like it’s 1985 all over again. Any second now, I feel like John Cena is going to tear his shirt, preach about taking vitamins and saying prayers, and then give the Iron Sheik a huge leg drop. If John Cena could get his buddy Bumpy Knuckles to put on that Mr. T outfit he had on in John’s “Bad Bad Man” Video, they could have easily worked a match with Paul Orndorff and Roddy Piper for the first WrestleMania and I honestly believe that I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference! Hell, the match might actually be better! Of course, no one is going to know who Bumpy Knuckles is, but Jake Gyllenhaal wasn’t interested. Apparently, Brokeback Mountain wasn’t nearly as gay as being John Cena’s chain gang bitch…
Meanwhile, on the B-Show (otherwise known as “Friday Night Waste-Of-Time-Down!”), the champion is working like crap (due to a severe injury which Batista SHOULD be taking care of, but isn’t because he’s developed a horrible case of ego-mania which actually causes him to believe that the WWE would die without him), the top contender is actually Rey Mysterio, the only heel worth a damn is STILL working a program with the Undertaker nearly a year after it started, and the top star of the show… is a dead guy. No, not the Undertaker. I mean an ACTUAL dead guy – Eddie Guerrero. Nothing against Guerrero’s legacy, but seriously, SmackDown’s top star is STILL Eddie Guerrero, despite the fact that he’s been dead for almost two months now, and he probably will be SmackDown’s top star for quite a while, because SmackDown doesn’t have anybody else. In fact, Eddie is the justification WWE gives to Rey Mysterio being the top contender to Batista’s World Title, and the only justification for Mr. Ego-Mania to continue wrestling despite the fact that he’s seriously injured to the point where he can’t even work a proper match! How does a guy who spent the last three years as Triple H’s lackey develop such an ego so quickly, you ask? Hell, ask Kevin Nash. As far as I remember, prior to his WWF Title reign, Diesel was nothing more than Shawn Michaels’ lackey, and just look at his ego now! As the old saying goes, “If you kiss the Kliq’s ass long enough, you’re a star, no matter how untalented and useless you actually are… isn’t that right, Sean Waltman?”
And to think, all of this is still preferable to Jeff Jarrett being a World Champion… Way to go TNA! Not only did you manage to do what WWE never could, getting Rhino over to the point where he could once again be taken seriously by a wrestling fan, but you also managed to COMPLETELY F*CK IT UP when you put the NWA Heavyweight Championship back on Jeff Jarrett! LISTEN TO YOUR AUDIENCE!!!! Did you even hear them when Rhino came out after he first won the title? Or, better yet, when Rhino defended his title against Jarrett on your first prime time special? I sure did, and this is what I heard – “RHINO IS OUR CHAMPION!!! LONG LIVE RHINO, THE MAN WHO FINALLY KILLED THE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN!!!!” This was what the fans wanted, and what does TNA do with information? They tell us to go f*ck ourselves, and put the title back on a guy who’s overbooked himself in the main event so often, he actually makes the Kliq seem generous by comparison! And now, in a DESPERATE attempt to garner a more mainstream audience, TNA how now signed Sting to a contract. That is, whenever Sting can pull himself away from poorly over-acting in Christian-themed movies. Why? When TNA can barely capitalize on what they already have in Rhino, AJ Styles, and Samoa Joe, let alone what they could have in their most recent acquisition, Christian Cage, or what they could have with Jeff Jarrett if they ever realize that IT’S TIME FOR THE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN TO DIE, what good is it to bring in Sting, a guy who’s best days are, at best, behind him? TNA isn’t going to know how to use Sting any more than they know how to use Rhino or Christian Cage or Chris Sabin (who SHOULD be either at or near the top of the X Division heap, while Styles, Samoa Joe, and Christopher Daniels all duke it out in the Heavyweight ranks, where they belong), or anyone else on their roster! This is a company, after all, that sees a value in Kip James for crying out loud! Do they even look at their roster? Do they see the talent they have in their midcard, with guys like Homicide, Jay Lethal, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, Alex Shelley… Speaking of Alex Shelley, do something with the camera angle, already, TNA!!! You’ve already had him scout the likes of Joe and Daniels! What more do you need? A written letter of consent from God Himself? Put the boy in a feud with a major player already!
If TNA, or any wrestling company for that matter, wants to reach a mainstream audience, you have to first make your core audience happy. That’s the way it is. If your core is happy, then that means you’re putting on a good show. If you’re putting on a good show, word of mouth is going to work in your favor. When word of mouth works in your favor, more people watch the show. When more people begin to watch the show, the network takes notice. When the network takes notice, they being to push your show more. When your show gets more advertising, more people tune in. When you’re putting on good shows, those people who tune in because of the increased advertising become loyal viewers, who then become your new core audience. And from there, the cycle repeats itself. It’s not that hard. If you put on a good show, people will watch it. The problem is, long as Jeff Jarrett is the King, as long as Rhino is ignored, as long as Christian Cage is being used as nothing more than a poster boy and promotional tool, as long as AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Christopher Daniels are kept in the X-Division (which is a MIDCARD position, despite what the TNA faithful and any other so-called expert will tell you), and as long as the major name Indy talents (Lethal, Aries, etc.) TNA brings in are used solely as jobbers to make Kip James look good, TNA is NOT going to make their core audience happy.
In fact… Just looking over that last paragraph, if you watch TNA, does it ever seem like you’re watching two promotions at once? Seriously – you have the Heavyweights, and then the X-Division, and for whatever reason, they’re treated like two different promotions. The top guys of the X (Styles, Daniels, and Joe) are just as over and as popular as any of the top guys in the Heavyweight division. Heck, AJ has held the Heavyweight title 3 times! But yet, they’re busy fighting over what is essentially a midcard title. Why? Because, for whatever reason, the two singles titles in TNA are treated as equals (despite the fact that they can not and can never be truly equal), thus, the feeling of watching two promotions running matches on the same show. The problem here is this – TNA is trying to equate titles that cannot be equated. The Heavyweight title will always be the main event, while the X-Division will not. There is no equality, neither in a booker’s eyes nor a fan’s. Despite what a fan may say or believe in their heart, if you gave them the booking sheet and told them to book a show, they would put one title predominantly in the Main Event, and one predominantly in the midcard. And, if you so-called “smart mark” wanna-be bookers actually TRIED to make the X-Division belt the Main Event belt, your fans would literally revolt and watch the competition, because everyone knows that it’s the Heavyweight Title that means a damn, and anything else is below that. The truth is, it doesn’t matter how good the matches are or how talented the competitors are, if they’re competing for a midcard title, they’re considered midcarders by even the most casual of fan. If you try anything else, you’ll look like you’re running two promotions on the same show, causing confusion among fans, especially the ones tuning in for the first time. So, not only does TNA not have a clue on how to use what they have, but they have also deluded themselves into believing that they can be everything to everyone. Fans will complain no matter what you do, but if all you’re going to do is make one division to appease the ‘Net Marks and another to appease everyone else, and then try to run them both as equal, simultaneous promotions under the same banner, all you’re going to get is a giant mess. It’s as simple as that. All you really have to do is look at the WWE Brand Split and see exactly what I’m talking about.
And now, this week’s Trademark Ten
1. Mickie James
After a ho-hum reaction to the Mistletoe angle on last week’s RAW, the WWE is now trying to play off Mickie kissing Trish as some sort of mind game. It kinda makes you wonder why they even bother…
2. Carlito
Sometimes, I wonder if the only reason Carlito wrestles in the WWE is because of Johnny Polo. For the few who don’t know who I’m talking about, Polo was a manager in the WWF who eventually went on to become the former ECW and NWA World Heavyweight Champion we now know as Raven. Raven left the WWE because he wanted to wrestle, and, from there, carved out quite the career. There are many opinions on Raven’s work, but we can all agree that Raven’s work has always been 90% mental and 10% physical. The same is true for Carlito – 90% mental, 10% physical. If left to his own devices, Carlito could develop into quite the property both in and out of the ring, which seems to be the only reason WWE keeps letting him wrestle. If I were booking him in today’s WWE, he’d be managing a tag team, nowhere near an Elimination Chamber or John Cena. But then again, I don’t really give a crap about the Johnny Polo syndrome. Based on Carlito’s current work, he’s a middle-of-the-road worker whose only real asset to the current WWE is on the mic, not in the ring, and certainly not in the Main Event for PPV.
3. The Heart Throbs
As RAW’s only other Tag Team (since it now appears that Cade and Murdoch have broken up in favor for Trevor receiving an eventual I-C Title push), it’s strange that the Heart Throbs are only used to put Kane, the Big Show, or both, over. It’s one thing to do this if, say, you wanted to put Kane and the Big Show over as the most dominant and destructive tag team in the WWE today, which the WWE has already effectively done. But when this is the ONLY other team on the RAW Brand, doesn’t it seem to work against you to simply job them week in and week out in handicap matches against half of the current Tag Champs? Perhaps the answer is to simply make more tag teams for Kane and the Big Show to feed on until WrestleMania, when the WWE finally books them against a team that can beat them, like God and Shawn Michaels’ Ego.
4. Shawn Michaels’ Ego
Never to be outdone by Shawn himself, Shawn’s Ego recently put his foot in his mouth AGAIN by trying to convince the world that he’s so over the Montreal Thing (when, in fact, he’s usually the jackass who keeps bringing it back up in failed attempts to vindicate himself and spare his Christian Witness), just to end up in a feud with Vince McMahon. Now, Shawn’s Ego is apparently costing Shawn matches and getting him screwed into being the first man in the Elimination Chamber. Why? Because Shawn Michaels’ Ego can, that’s why!
5. Batista
Dave, listen… SmackDown isn’t going to survive, whether you’re there or not. UPN is looking for an excuse, any excuse, to cancel SmackDown outright. First, they dump you guys onto Friday Night. Then, your ratings drop like 40-45%. Then, the biggest star on the show, Eddie Guerrero, dies, not shortly after SmackDown’s champion suffers a major injury. Now, without Eddie, and with you injured, the ratings are gong to drop even more, whether you’re on the show or not. Why? Because, you’re working terribly, and the fans know it. So, they change the channel, lose all respect for you, and the ratings fall even more. What’s next? That’s right, Dave – UPN decides to cut their losses and cancel the show, and there is nothing you can do about it. So, with that said, take some time off and heal your injury. Fans actually want to like and/or respect you, but they can’t if you’re going to keep working like John Cena! So stop! Get yourself fixed up, take the time off you need and save what’s left of your career before you become the champion who the fans will believe sunk SmackDown. Don’t take the fall for JBL, Dave! You and your ego are better than that!
6. Rob Van Dam
Is he EVER going to come back?! I bet, at this rate, RVD smoked a whole load of pot and forgot that he was a professional wrestler.
7. Shannon Moore
Just because you shop at Hot Topic doesn’t mean you’re a punk, Shannon, let alone a Prince of Punk. What’s so ‘punk’ about looking like a cross between Shawn Michaels and that guy from My Chemical Romance anyway?
8. Jeff Hardy
Is he fired yet?
9. Sting
The Face That Will Change TNA in 2006?! Yeah, sure… A face from 1997 is going to change 2006. Okay. Please God, can we have at least ONE YEAR in professional wrestling where everyone is trying to recreate the way things were 10 years ago? I’d really appreciate it.
10. Gregory Helms
He’s now feuding with Jerry Lawler. Why? You mean to tell me that there was nothing else you could possibly do to get him over? You couldn’t, I don’t know… give him the Intercontinental Title? Or maybe write better promos for him? Or maybe, just putting him on TV and having him, I don’t know, actually WRESTLE every now and then? Just a thought, guys….
And that’s it for me this week. If you have anything to say, send it to me at TheMaverickMJ@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading, and don’t forget to check out my site at www.MySpace.com/MikeJohnsUSAW for more information about The Promotion That Will Change Independent Wrestling in 2006 – ULTIMATE SHOCK & AWE WRESTLING!!!
