Raw opened with the Cabana, and ‘Sideshow’ Carlito’s guest this week was Shawn Michaels. Now I’m fairly certain that these two could do entertaining promos all night, but this week it just didn’t work for me. Maybe it was underwritten, allowing for HBK’s penchant for ‘shooting’, or it may have just been an off night for both guys but it lacked the sparkle, the back and forth. Too many awkward silences, too many in-jokes only amusing themselves and way too many knowledgeable asides that were wasted on everyone, primarily because we’re not hearing the hilarious comedy that’s going on in their heads while (not whilst) we’re getting nothing but shrugs and smirks. Despite not being all it could be, it was still a good segment and I look forward to them trying again soon. It’s reassuring to see that live audiences still have the ability to be dumber than they look by breaking into a ‘Hogan’ chant even though the pre-programmed responses aren’t necessary now that the Hulkster is safely back in his box and won’t come on down until the price is right. Anyway, Chris Masters comes out to incept the all-out brawl and then Flair follows to even the sides, and we eventually have a tag match main event set for the end of the show. Or do we? See, Slick Ric ends up re-enacting a scene from The Shining (red rum?) and Shawn has to go it alone in a handicap match. And that’s where it goes wrong. Not the match. The booking. Despite all the hard work Shawn did carrying the match and allowing for the fact that Masters is poorly written and Carlito is still light in offence, this contest shouldn’t have happened because the fans weren’t ready for it. And to be honest, why should they be? I can understand Flair hitting the ring to get a piece of Carlito at the start of Raw but why are Ric and HBK hugging eachother now? Why does a backstage crew-member come and get HBK first when they’ve only been on-screen buddies for ten minutes? Remember the Hogan chant during the opening segment? Those same morons who chanted for Hogan didn’t get that HBK is now a face because the storyline hasn’t told them so yet. Never mind that we all get what Shawn has been doing the last few weeks with his anti-Hogan innuendoes, until someone (probably Hogan himself) re-welcomes HBK into the good guy’s locker-room in an on-screen sense then these sheep are too stupid to realise that Hogan was and is, the bad guy. So we’re left with a live audience that thinks they’re seeing three heels go at it and as, a result, they just don’t care. The crowd woke when a bloody Flair returned because this was the moment when HBK’s face turn was endorsed by a fellow good guy. See how easy it is? As for Flair succumbing to the Masterlock? I’m okay with it. Mainly because this is what a real veteran legend does. He puts over new talent and gives them a small piece of his greatness, guaranteeing that Flair will be great forever. Hogan, you could learn something from Flair.
To start the Edge/Hardy fun, Edge delivered a short but fiery promo. I’ve never written Edge off, and certainly not because of the ‘Edge is faeces’ idea, but he’s getting it done both on the mic and in the ring recently and I hope it continues. Lita then teased Matt with the donuts that shall remain unglazed and Matt didn’t seem too bothered at the loss (maybe he prefers cash to plastic?) The streetfight between Edge and Matt was good, solid stuff. Not because of the brutality (which was strong enough) but the way the match played out and progressed from a tentative start to a shocking finish. Too many times in Raw matches the tempo hits a static level within the first thirty seconds and stays there until the sequence into the ending, but this match was presented at a tiring, deliberate pace and built up to the stage dive to have maximum effect when it happened. Even taking into account the pantomime electrical sparks and thinly disguised padding it was still a decent bump and, as long as it doesn’t happen too often, I can sit for five minutes and watch fully-trained ambulance staff fumble with neck braces and stretcher straps like first-day amateurs. Not wishing to state the obvious but a PPV Ambulance match is normally expected at this point, after the injuries have been sold to a sufficient degree, but I will voice a note of caution: Matt has been playing the wounded hero since he returned to the WWE and if they bring him back with the same character then public sympathy for this persona will plummet. We don’t need to feel sorry for him anymore. And I don’t think I could, even if I felt the need to.
I so wanted to hate the confrontation between John Cena and Kurt Angle. Basic trash-talking, cheap pops, gay jokes and a weak brawl and pull-apart. I’ve commended the WWE writers in the last few weeks for learning at least a few traditional wrestling concepts and applying them without all the stuff and nonsense they seem so keen to use, but this segment went the other way. I can only guess that one of them found a dusty ‘booking techniques’ manual in the trash round the back of WWE headquarters and didn’t spot that it had been first published in the 1980’s and not updated. Luckily, the glue that held the segment together was the chemistry between the champ and the number one contender and, as step two in a series of spots and matches they will undoubtedly have together, it just managed to hold its head above water. And it’s good to see Bischoff keeping his nose out of this now. Kurt doesn’t need help. Just wind him up, fill him full of dribble and watch him go.
I’ve been keeping a casual eye on Heat recently so I am aware that Tyson Tomko has been receiving a lower-tier push of late and I have no problem with him appearing on Raw based on the strength of these performances. But I didn’t see the point of him rolling right over Rosey and Hurricane. I don’t need to reiterate how ineffectual these pseudo-handicap squashes make the tag team division seem and it demonstrates quite nicely how little time Vince has left for those whom he feels won’t draw money for his company as individuals. But I also don’t think it does the singles wrestler ‘squasher’ any favours either. Even though Tomko waltzed through two wrestlers and barely broke a sweat, can you honestly say that, for you, this has increased the notion that Tomko is a potential main event player any time soon? I can’t. He could annihilate every tag team, announcer, interviewer, diva, fake crowd-member, bell-ringer, ex-baseball player, manager and EMT worker but he won’t make any headway up the roster until he gets a gimmick, a friend and a reason to be on the screen (more than the beard). He can talk. And he can wrestle. But if we don’t know him, we can’t give a crap.
I assumed that the demolition of Snitsky seven days ago was just a cog in the machinery of building the Big Show up to a mid-card feud with somebody vaguely decent, just like his destruction of Romeo and Antonio a fortnight ago and the two jobbers this week. But it now looks as though Gene wasn’t content with the one squashing and I wouldn’t be surprised (or amused) if he got a PPV match against Show at Unforgiven. But why? Big Show stinks at house shows, stinks on tv and I’m fairly sure he stinks even after he’s showered. I was going to suggest an alternative direction that might suit Show better than a spotty klutz with a pearl toe-ring fetish but I can’t think of anything that hasn’t been tried before (and probably failed). Okay, he’s under contract so you might as well do something with him. Any ideas? And if anyone says “WWE Champion” then they can sit at the back and do lines (and not in the same way Jeff Hardy means it).
The limitations I placed last week on the Candice/Torrie/Ashley storyline revolved around the fact that none of the above are wrestlers and the segments would suffer greatly if anything was attempted other than your standard ‘disrobe, disgrace and disinfect’ viewing experience. Adding Victoria to the mix this week brings into play several things that could mean this feud isn’t worth giving up on just yet. For a start, including a capable female worker means that someone is going to have to carry the matches on the face side, so it is more likely that Trish Stratus will fulfil that role rather than a phalanx of Diva Search also-rans. With two of the three best female WWE wrestlers over the last five years at the head of the feud it will encourage those who are just starting the process of learning some craft to endure the training because they can see what potentially could lie in their respective futures. I hope this optimism isn’t misplaced. For the first time in a while, the women’s division has a chance to be inclusive of all the talent it has, which is the best way to rebuild an idea. And if it doesn’t work? There’s always a swimming pool full of eggnog waiting just in front of the ramp.
Lee
