Welcome back to another edition of The White & Blue. Stay tuned for The Last Resort after we get down to the nitty gritty.
For Airdate:7/28/05
Another #1 Contender Match?
Teddy is in the ring telling us how great the Great American Bash was and blah blah blah. He does a quick little recap for us and is about to announce the main event match at SummerSlam when JBL comes out and interrupts.
JBL is livid that Teddy didn’t mention his own match with Batista on GAB. Since he didn’t win the belt (the match got DQ’d because Batista used a steel chair) he wants to be in the title picture. However, at GAB Undertaker one the number one contender’s match against Hassan. JBL says that in his contract he is due for a one-on-one match with Batista.
Hmmm. How could they overlook something like this? Now we’ve got two number one contenders, with one allegedly having a legal right to be number one contender. So what does Teddy do?
Have another number one contender match. Tonight it’s JBL VS. Undertaker.
Later in a pretty good match JBL beats Undertaker with a little help from Randy O. Hitting the RKO when the ref is knocked out cold, he covers Taker with JBL’s body and ding ding ding!
Thank God Taker is not the number one contender though. He’s never there.
“Eddie…you ARE the father!”
So, Eddie announces, (like we all guessed) that he is the father of Rey’s son Dominic. I don’t understand how Cole and Tazz tells us that Eddie is contractually unable to spill the beans since he lost at the GAB when Eddie basically does it ANYWAY. Isn’t he going to like, get in trouble or something? Oh well.
So Eddie tells us the long and torrid story. Back when he and Vicki were separated, he was tomcatting around town with all these different chicks. He got one pregnant, and neither he nor the lady he knocked up wanted it (since she had seven already). So Eddie took the kid, gave it to Rey and his wife, who at that time was having a problem conceiving. Never do they mention Rey’s daughter Aaliya. I mean if Rey is really shooting blanks, what’s up with the baby girl? Did he all of a sudden get it together at the last minute?
Anyway Rey says there’s a part two next week. But he needs to stop this “bedtime story” shtick (he came out to the ring with a children’s book entitled Eddie’s Bedtime Story). They should’ve set it up like the Maury Povich show with all this paternity stuff.
But question:
Why is Dominic blonde now? Didn’t he have dark hair a couple of weeks ago? It’s like bleached Eminem blonde? Who dyes a kid’s hair? Seriously. Who puts harsh bleaching chemicals onto a kid’s scalp? For what? That’s just weird, Michael Jackson weird. We all know he’s probably made his kids chuck down some “anti-black” pills ’cause they look NOTHING like him.
They look normal.
Heidenrech’s Initiation
Backstage Heidenrech tells Animal that he could never take the Hawk’s place, and he seems apprehensive about this tag team champ thing…like perhaps he doesn’t feel up to par.
Animal tells Heidi that although he could NEVER takes the Hawk’s place, he does see potential in him. So what does he do?
Give him a Mohawk.
Later they defeat some Hillbillies, chillbillies, chuckbillies, some confederate flag, black vinyl wearing jobbers. WHAT A RUSH!
The Fixer
In order to counteract bad publicity from losing the tag team titles and from Melina—though winning—being stripped and humiliated at the GAB, MNM has hired a “fixer” some PR person who spins negatives into a positive. I don’t know how this new girl is supposed to do this, but she’s following MNM around with a HUGE pair of juggies and some sort of growth growing out of her face. It’s truly ugly. I don’t know if her job is really supposed to be making them look less fugly in comparison, but it’s working. For the first time ever I thought, “Wow, Melina looks nice tonight.”
…
You guys sure know what you’re talking about.
Anyway, this generic blonde huge boobied chick with the mushroom growing out of her face is apart of MNM now. She accompanies Melina out to the ring where she cheats to beat Torrie Wilson.
Everything Else
Booker and Benoit over Christian and OJ
Faces beat the heels in a good back and forth match.
Mexicools Make Concession
For some reason the Mexicools are ordered to sell concession snacks. At first they are so not about working for Gringos, but then they talk themselves into it. So, they set out to sell the various snacks during a William Regal VS. Scotty 2 Hotty match. Of course they don’t sell anything, (but one guy from the audience steals a bucket of popcorn and pisses off Psicosis) but they ruin the match, beat up both Regal and Scotty, and then throw popcorn, soda and nachos all over them.
Notable Signs
Shut Up And Wrestle—I know right?
Papa It’s Me—I’ve finally made it to the big time! I know you said I’d never be able to do it, but here I am! In a seat in a Rochester arena watching the B show! I’ve made you eat your words Papa! I’m a Star!
Batista Is Not The Rock—Lately there’s been a trend in signs which defines what Batista is and is not. They’ve all been self-explanatory. And this sign has never been more painfully obvious than it is now.
Can You Feel The Pain—Yes. I’m so tired of this damned show.
Verklan Sucks!—And Shelbyton High ROX! WHOO!
Smackdown Took My Other Sign—Shocking.
No More Hassan—Until the repackaging…
Mexicools Stole My John Deere—And they totally tricked it out with fuzzy dice.
JBL:Wrestling CLOD—Ha ha, very clever. Way better than the Just A Big Loser signs. All four thousand of them.
Randy Please Save This Show—This is a special sign to me because I wondered what it was all about when JBL angrily snatched it from the sign holder’s grasp before the camera could get a full shot of it. But thank God for the rewind and pause feature. JBL…why you hatin’ yo?
No Arab Freaks—Yes. Only Anglo Saxon freaks from now on. Please.
Eddie Is My Father—OMG! Me too! Isn’t that something?
The Last Resort Roundtable
We’ve got a few extra opinions this week regarding our latest question. Remember, to ask your own question or to be a panelist click here. It’s not hard, and it’s totally anonymous.
Well, let’s do this Brutus.
I’m what you’d call a shy and reserved person but I
really want this promotion at work. What can I do to
get my boss to notice me?
Mr. Shanks
Introducing Corwin, a guy who likes to rant his ass off. He’s about to drop some knowledge, yo.
Well ok Mr. Shanks. Here are a few ideas I have that may help you.
First of all it sounds like you still live at home with mommy and daddy so just get them to write you a nice note. They could say something like “Our son needs this promotion because we need his room for something else. He is a good boy and cleans his room and eats all his vegetables and he deserves this promotion.”
Secondly if your boss is a male then you could dress up like a woman and
have someone take a picture of you with him in a compromising position. You can then use this picture to blackmail him into giving you the promotion. This will also work if your boss is a female and think about it if it is a she then you do not have to fork out the money for the hot outfit. See I give advice and even cost cutting measures. Either way blackmail is a good thing to consider when asking for a promotion.
Lastly I have two words. If all else fails ( SUCK UP ). This is a true and tried technique. Tell him or her that you will do (ANYTHING) to get this promotion and you do mean ANYTHING!!
Well I hope this advice helps. Also in closing make sure you keep cleaning your room for your mommy and eat all your vegetables. May I also advise in looking into a replacement backbone? They tend to come in handy.
Sincerely,
Corwin
Next up it’s the ever hilarious and sweet WT Harmon. He’s got stuff to say, (he always does) so pay attention, you’ll be tested on this material.
Dear Mr. Shanks,
So, you want your boss to notice you, eh? Well, being
a shy and reserved person myself, I can relate to your
quandary. Let’s see what I can come up with for
getting noticed:
– Cut a Wrestling Promo on him: Not anything
insulting you understand, just something to grab his
attention. Something like “You know something
brotha, when you look around this office, and you see
all of these jabronies kissing your butt, you have to
ask yourself something dude. Do you want some brown
noser who talks bad about you behind your back, or do
you want a man you can trust. So, whatcha gonna do
brotha, when Shanksamania runs wild on middle
management!”
– Wear a Kilt: It may sound odd, but I have one
and nothing makes people stop and take notice like a
plaid skirt covering your unmentionables. He’ll take
one look at you and say “Smithers, who is that
handsome Celtic demigod?” and Smithers will reply
“That’s Tornado Shanks sir, one of the butter churns
from sector 7-G.”
– In All Seriousness: Do you do your job well?
Do you do things in full and on time? That’s really
the best you can do. If you do, volunteer to take on
extra projects and show that you‚re committed to the
job. Oh, and whenever possible, call it a career
instead of a job. Bosses eat that stuff up.
Your Hero,
WT Harmon
Okay. Now it’s my duty to please that booty.
Oh, sorry, wrong column.
Anyway, Mr. Shanks wants to know if there’s anything a shy and reserved dude can do to get some attention? I just have three words: Guns, Guns, Guns. Often underrated and very imitated, Guns can be your answer to life’s little problems. Guns and alcohol that is. Oh and sleazy sex that’s paid for by your Visa. And don’t forget the drugs. Yeah. Lot’s of drugs.
But hey, if all else fails, you can totally just be Charlie Sheen.
HIYOOOOOO!
Goodnight Folks!You’ve been great! (NOT!)
