(Sources: Richard Trionfo of PWInsider.com)
One night after the Smackdown brand gave us the Great American Bash, it is time for the Raw brand to attempt to top that performance. With a ‘Battle of the Bands’ between John Cena and Fozzy as well as the latest in Diva Search II: Saline Away; it will be close. What will happen in the Stretcher match tonight? Will Matt Hardy pull a ‘Steve Austin’ and be the ambulance driver? Will Triple H return to Raw? What ‘words of wisdom’ will we hear from Maria? Will we see Trish Stratus return? What will happen with the Shawn Michaels/Hulk Hogan match? Will the Raw brand be able to desensitize heterosexual men to attractive women like the Smackdown brand did at the Bash?
We begin tonight’s show with footage from last week’s Lumberjack match between John Cena and Gene Snitsky, including Chris Jericho’s involvement in the match.
We are live from Cleveland, Ohio and your announcers are Jim ‘BBQ Belfi’ Ross; Jonathan ‘LeBron’ Coachman; and Jerry ‘Did he say Gonorrhea’ Lawler.
It is time to start with the Kurt Angle Invitational. Kurt says the last two weeks he made a liar tap out. He is looking for some real competition this week and is not going to waste any time. Instead of a wrestler, it is Christy Hemme who comes to the ring. Kurt wants to know if Christy wants to be in the challenge. He says that he will be a gentleman, and suggests that they start in the referee’s position so she can choose to be on the top or the bottom. Christy tells Kurt that she is out here to introduce his opponent. It is Eugene. Eugene hugs Christy and the ref, but Kurt does not want any hugs from Eugene. Angle wants to know what Eugene is doing out here. Kurt tells Eugene that he is not from Cleveland. Eugene takes off his ring jacket to reveal a Brown jersey. Angle wants Eugene to focus and not insult his intelligence. Eugene says he is from Cleveland. They go back and forth before Angle stops him. Angle says that Eugene is making him mentally challenged. Angle will accept the illusion that Eugene is from Cleveland. Angle tells Eugene to prepare to go back on the injured list because it won’t even take three minutes to break his ankle. Angle attacks Eugene while he helps Christy out of the ring. Angle rips off the jersey and wipes his nose in it before choking Eugene with it. Angle with crossfaces to Eugene followed by European uppercuts. Angle with boots to Eugene followed by an elbow drop. Angle with a suplex followed by a kick to the ribs. Angle chokes Eugene with his boot. Angle with European uppercuts followed by kicks in the corner and he chokes him again with his boot. We are down to a minute and Eugene ‘Hulks up’. Eugene punches Angle and Angle goes down. Eugene tries for a Stunner, but Angle pushes Eugene off and hits a clothesline followed by an Angle slam. Angle puts Eugene in the ankle lock, but he rolls through and Angle goes out of the ring and Eugene lasts the three minutes. Eugene and Christy celebrate in the ring with the gold medal. Angle is not in a good mood as Eugene goes around the ring to celebrate with the fans.
Viscera is walking in the back and he has a smaller version of himself with him and we go to commercial.
We are back with footage of Eugene winning the Kurt Angle Invitational and the gold medal.
We see Eric Bischoff in the BischOffice and John Cena comes up behind him. John tells Eric he is taking it too hard because someone in the family is a winner. Cena talks about the phases he went through; including thinking he was Scott Baio. Now he is the champ. Eric says that Cena is not the kind of champion he wants representing him and his company. Eric knows what Cena is all about and knows his type. Eric says that Cena is nothing but white trash. Eric calls Cena a wannabe and he and his people are scum and slime. They care about nothing but themselves. If Cena wants to embarrass himself tonight, his reign as WWE champion will come to an end. When it ends, the only person to be embarrassing Cena will be Bischoff. Bischoff turns around and Cena has already left the BischOffice.
The Heart Throbs with Pocket Rocket are already in the ring. It is time for their opponents to come to the ring, and it is Viscera and Cloacas. This is being billed as a mixed tag match with Antonio teaming with Pocket Rocket. Cloacas drop kicks Antonio before the bell. Pocket Rocket attacks Cloacas and then tags in Antonio. Antonio slaps Cloacas and slams his head into the turnbuckle. Antonio with an Irish whip to Cloacas and then he slaps him again before a snap mare. Antonio with an Irish whip, and he misses Cloacas on a charge to the corner. Antonio with a kick followed by an airplane spin. Antonio misses an elbow drop. Romeo pulls Cloacas down, but Viscera tags in and he clotheslines Antonio followed by a hip toss. Viscera with an open hand slap. Viscera with a Samoan drop. Romeo climbs Mount Viscera and then Viscera throws him down and clotheslines him over the top rope to the floor. Pocket Rocket punches Viscera but it has no effect. Viscera tosses Pocket Rocket onto Romeo. Viscera slams Antonio and then Cloacas with a splash off Viscera’s back before Viscera covers Antonio for the pin.
We go to the back where the ambulance is being backed into the arena and they show the stretcher in the back of the ambulance.
Jim Ross talks about the passing of ‘Lord’ Alfred Hayes and it is time for a video package to look back at his career. We go to commercial.
We are back with a WWE Rewind: Carlito getting disqualified against Shelton Benjamin last week.
Shelton Benjamin is in the BischOffice and Shelton says that Eric does not owe him anything. Shelton earned his opportunity at the Intercontinental title. So far, Carlito has won by count out and by disqualification. He wants a no count out/no disqualification match against Carlito. Eric says that Shelton will not get an Intercontinental title match. It will be Shelton against Gene Snitsky and Chris Masters. Shelton says that it stinks that he has to wrestle a muscle head and a toe sucking psycho.
Maria is in the back to interview Chris Jericho. She is excited to be there. Maria talks about Fozzy and she says that she loves Fozzy the Bear because he is so soft and cuddly. She wants to know if any of the other Muppets will be there. Chris tells Maria that it’s not easy being ditzy. Jericho says that Maria is just like everyone in Cleveland with all of the negativity. Chris says that he is a hall of fame level performer, but he is being treated like Ashlee Simpson. Chris says that we already know who is going to win the battle of the bands. He says that he is the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla. He is the epitome of all that is rock and roll. He says that hip hop is not real music, just manufactured music. We go to commercial.
We are back with the Battle of the Bands. Cena goes first and performs ‘Bad, Bad Man’. Now it is time for Chris Jericho to come out. However, he is without Fozzy. Jericho tells John that he wants to be honest with him, and says that the performance ‘plain sucked’. John asks Chris to show what he has. Jericho says that everyone has bought into what he is doing by cheering for him. Jericho says that everyone is biased and they are a flock of sheep so things are unfair. It is unfair to him and his band. Anywhere else, people would be ready to chant Fozzy’s name, just like 50,000 people did at the Download Festival in England. Jericho says that the crowd is ready to boo for him. He will save the crowd the opportunity to boo him because he is pulling Fozzy from the competition. The crowd does not deserve to see or hear Fozzy. He tells everyone that they can see him perform at SummerSlam, when he will become the new WWE champion. Jericho leaves and we get a bonus performance from John Cena.
We go to the back where the remaining Diva Search II: Saline Away contestants are grooving as they prepare for the ‘Hot Dog Eating Contest’.
Time to take a look at footage from this week’s episode of Hogan Knows Best.
Shawn Michaels is walking in the back and he takes a look in the mirror. He calls for makeup as we go to commercial.
We are back and Bischoff is in the BischOffice with Carlito. He wants to talk about John Cena. Bischoff reminds Carlito that Cena is supposed to defend his title against Jericho at SummerSlam. Eric says that based on the ‘Battle of the Bands’, he is going to have a surprise for Cena. Carlito will face Cena tonight. If Carlito can win tonight, it will be for the WWE title next week. If Carlito can win the title, he will be defending the title against Chris Jericho at SummerSlam. Eric wants to find a referee he can trust to call it right down the middle. His guest referee is Chris Jericho. Carlito says that is cool and gives Eric an apple.
Shawn Michaels comes to the ring, and it looks like he has something to say because he is in a suit and not in wrestling gear. Shawn does not pose for his pyro on the ramp. Shawn says that he would call Hogan out right now, but Hogan is promoting his television show. The crowd boos and Michaels says that they have probably seen the show if that is their reaction. Shawn has no aspirations to be a rap star, a rock star, a movie star, or have his own television show. He just wants to be known as the greatest in ring performer that the WWE has ever known. Five star matches, tearing the house down, and breaking his back is not enough for him. It might be enough for Hogan. Hogan has been living off his reputation that he built 20 years ago. Shawn goes out there every single night and recreates himself every night. He doesn’t mind earning his stripes. Hogan lives in a million dollar home paid for by the sweat of everyone in the arena and watching at home. It is the same old tired stuff for 20 years. The best that he can do is turning his ear to the crowd. Maybe he will rip his shirt or even give you the same old tired pose down at the end of the night. In the back, they are having a conniption fit because Shawn Michaels is doing stuff out here that people aren’t supposed to do. We are not allowed to do anything to ‘hurt’ the Hulkster. We cannot tell the truth. Will they fire him? Shawn reminds them that they are looking at their main event at SummerSlam so they need to deal with it. You wanted the old HBK, and now you got him. When it started, it was about Shawn needing to know who was the ‘all around cowboy’. All that matters is when SummerSlam is over and when he looks in Hulk Hogan’s eyes, that he knows that Shawn Michaels is the showstopper, the headliner, the main event, and the icon. Michaels asks Hogan whatcha gonna do when the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels won’t lay down for you? Shawn has a message for Vince before he leaves the ring.
It is time to look back at Eugene winning the Kurt Angle Invitational. Next Monday, we will have the Eugene Invitational. We go to commercial.
We are back and Gene Snitsky is in the ring. It is time for Shelton Benjamin to come to the ring. Shelton’s other opponent; Chris Masters comes to the ring. Benjamin attacks Masters before he comes into the ring. Snitsky attacks Benjamin and misses a charge in the corner. Benjamin clotheslines Snitsky over the top rope to the floor and then he low bridges as Masters charge at him. Benjamin goes up top and hits a senton from the top turnbuckle. Snitsky with a forearm to Benjamin and then he tags in Masters. Both men with boots to Benjamin. Masters with a front face lock. Benjamin tries to escape the hold, but Masters with a forearm. Benjamin with a Samoan drop followed by a forearm to Snitsky. Masters charges at the corner, but Benjamin moves. Benjamin with the Stinger Splash. Masters distracts the ref and that allows Snitsky to hit a big boot from behind. Masters locks in the MasterLock, but he is unable to break the hold. Benjamin refuses to tap, but he goes out and the ref calls for the bell. After the match, Snitsky tells him to keep the hold on Benjamin. Masters does not release the hold, but from out of nowhere, Big Show comes to the ring. Show wants a piece of Snitsky and Masters. Snitsky with a big boot to Show, but Show with a big boot to Snitsky that knocks him down. Masters leaves the ring as Show checks on Benjamin.
We have a twelve pack of Diva Search contestants walking in the back and we go to commercial.
We are back and it is time for Diva Search II: Saline Away. Remember to check out Buck Woodward’s way too detailed analysis of the Diva Search contest on PWInsider.com for a proper look at one of the greatest moments in WWE history. We are going to find out which Diva will not get a chance to put any meat in their mouth. It is time to say good-bye to Cameron. The rules are that they have one minute to eat as many hot dogs as possible. The winner gets immunity. We have a tie and an eat-off. Leyla is the winner of this contest, and she has immunity. Next week we will have the Queen of the Mountain competition for the Diva Search.
Edge and Lita are walking in the back and they walk past the stretcher and tests it out as we go to commercial.
We are back with the Slam of the Week: Kane and Edge in their steel cage match from last week that Edge won.
It is time for our stretcher match. Lillian tells us the rules, where the winner is the person who pushes the other past the ‘finish line’ on the stretcher. I think you know who is coming out first, but from out of nowhere Kane attacks Edge from behind. Kane with forearms to Edge and then he slams Edge’s head into the apron. Kane rolls Edge into the ring. Kane with an uppercut to Edge followed by a punch and elbow to Edge. Edge rakes Kane’s eyes and then connects with a series of forearms. Edge with a spear in the corner. Edge tries for another, but Kane gets his knee up. Kane throws Edge over the top rope to the floor and follows that with a kick to Edge’s head. Kane slams Edge’s head into the ring steps followed by a punch. Kane slams Edge into the ringside barrier and then hot shots Edge onto the ringside barrier. Kane Irish whips Edge into the ring steps while Lita cowers away from the action. Kane puts Edge on the stretcher and then chokes Edge. Kane pulls Edge up the ramp, but Edge punches Kane. Kane with an eye rake and then Kane pushes Edge down the ramp into the apron. Lita checks on Edge as we go to commercial.
We are back and Edge is choking Kane with the cable. During the break we saw Edge hit an Impaler DDT on the ring steps and then Edge hit Kane in the head with the ring steps. Edge rolls Kane back into the ring. Kane tosses Edge to the mat on a front face lock. Kane goes up top for the Robb Nen Jumping Clothesline. Lita brings in a chair, but Kane grabs it. Edge with a spear on Kane who was still distracted by Lita’s actions. Edge kicks Kane and then rolls him onto the stretcher. Kane grabs Edge by the throat, but Lita hits Kane with a kendo stick. Edge knocks Kane to the floor. Edge has the kendo stick and hits Kane with it in the head. Edge sits the chair on Kane’s neck and he goes up top. However, Kane sits up and he hits Edge in the head with the chair and Edge goes to the floor. Kane choke slams Edge onto the stretcher and Edge falls to the ground. Lita cowers up the ramp. Kane puts Edge on the stretcher and he pulls Edge up the ramp. Lita has the briefcase and she hits Kane with it. Kane is not happy and he backs Lita up the ramp. Lita begs for mercy, but Kane grabs Lita for a choke slam. Edge hits Kane twice with the briefcase and Kane is down. Edge has Lita hold the stretcher for him while he prepares to put her on it. Edge pulls Kane up the ramp, but Kane sits up at the line. Edge hits Kane with the briefcase and pulls Kane the final few inches to win the match. Kane sits up and hits Edge from behind. Kane drives Edge into the TitanTron. Kane grabs Lita by the hair and he gets her up for a tombstone and he hits the move on Lita. Lita is not moving as the medical staff checks on her. From out of nowhere, Matt Hardy comes out and attacks Edge. Security grabs Matt while Matt has some words for Edge and we go to commercial.
We are back and they are strapping Lita into the ambulance, but Kane attacks the EMTs. Kane has a question for Lita. He asks if she ever rode on the highway to Hell? Kane hits a ‘policeman’ and gets in the ambulance. Kane drives away without closing the doors to the back of the ambulance.
It is time to talk about the Shawn Michaels/Hulk Hogan match at SummerSlam. Now it is time to look at a video package about Hulk Hogan.
We see Chris Jericho walking to the back and he is wearing the official referee attire. We go to commercial.
We are back and it is time for the main event. Since every other referee just walks to the ring, we get Jericho’s pyro and entrance music. The first wrestler in the match to come out is the Intercontinental champion, Carlito (with apple). His opponent is the WWE champion, John Cena. Eric Bischoff watches from the ramp. Carlito wants to make sure that Jericho calls it down the middle. Cena back Carlito into the corner, but Carlito turns him around. Carlito misses a punch in the corner, but Cena with a punch followed by a back body drop. Carlito with a back elbow and Cena goes outside the ring. Carlito goes out after Cena and hits a double sledge from the apron. Carlito slams Cena’s head into the apron and then rolls Cena back into the ring. Carlito gets a chair and brings it into the ring. Jericho takes the chair and that allows Cena to hit a clothesline. Cena with a punch followed by an Irish whip. Cena punches Carlito. Carlito escapes a slam attempt and hits a DDT on Cena. Carlito with boots to Cena in the corner and then punches Cena. Carlito with a suplex. Cena punches Carlito, but Carlito with a flapjack. Carlito with a reverse chin lock. Carlito with a drop kick followed by a forearm to Cena’s back and a neck breaker. Cena with a suplex to Carlito. Cena with a kick to Carlito, but Carlito with a rake to Cena’s eyes. Carlito with a modified Flatliner and then has Cena in a reverse head lock. Carlito with a knee to Cena’s gut. Carlito punches Cena, but Cena responds with a punch of his own. Carlito and Cena exchange punches until Cena with a clothesline. Cena with more clotheslines. Cena with the hip toss slam followed by the Blue Thunder Driver, and it is time for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena gets Carlito up, but Jericho kicks Cena in the groin followed by a bulldog. Jericho with a Lionsault and then he rolls Carlito on top for the three count. After the match, Jericho takes off his referee shirt and takes a look at the WWE title belt while Carlito and Bischoff celebrate on the ramp. We go to credits.
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Joe
