Welcome back to another edition of The White & Blue. Later on we will get to The Last Resort but until then, let’s get to the wrasslin’.
For Airdate: 7/21/05
New Addiction
First off, Rey Mysterio faces off with Super Crazy, but then gets his winning 619 foiled by Eddie Guerrero who’s at ringside with Cole and Tazz. Eddie hits him over the back with one of the Mexicools rakes and gets the match DQ’d. What was funny about this is listening to Eddie, Cole and Tazz ringside. Tazz tries to interview Eddie, asking him how well he knows Rey’s wife or if Rey’s wife is related to Eddie’s wife. Eddie gets all defensive, “What do you mean by that?” Then after a couple of more questions he looks at Tazz all crazy and tells him to just shut the hell up. He does the same thing with Cole and Tazz responds by saying, “You heard the man. He told me to shut up, he told you to shut up so let’s just shut up. I mean I don’t know why he’s out here with a headset on at ringside but whatever…”
Exactly Tazz.
Eddie says he’s out there to let his wife know that he loves her and he’s listening to her advice about not spilling the beans prematurely. But Cole is persistent, “You and Rey were like brothers. Why would you do this?”
“Because I love him! And sometimes you have to do things that hurt in order to blah blah blah…tough love!”
Cole says, “You’re not his mom or dad.”
Eddie looks at Cole all bug eyed, “Shut up or I’ll kick you’re a**!” He winds up telling them during the little interview “Manipulation is my new addiction.”
Ohhhkay.
And with that, they kindly go back to calling the match, which NO ONE was paying attention to anyway. Of course you know how it ends as soon as Rey goes for the 619.
The moral of that little story is that Eddie will be telling the secret at the GAB because there is no way that he can possibly lose. Right. Because he’s just lost to Rey 814 times already. 815 is a lucky number.
Eddie is heading out of the arena after his interference and Long stops him by telling him that he has to wrestle tonight. Eddie tries to beg off but then Long tells him that the person who he’ll be wrestling tonight is a secret. That secret’s name turns out to be Chris Benoit.
Benoit tries to talk some sense into Eddie who has you know, gone off of the deep end by now with all his little secrets and whatnot. He tells Eddie that he loves him like a brother. Well, apparently that was Eddie’s cue for a cheapshot. The match begins but oh no, it doesn’t end. After Benoit nearly gets Eddie into a Crossface (rope break), Eddie gets counted out by just up and leaving the ring. What he doesn’t realize is that Rey is right behind him as he’s making his way up the ramp. Rey sneak attacks him and beats up down until some guys from the back break it up.
What A Rush!
Animal compares Heidenrech to Hawk after Heidenrech reads a poem. The poem was actually not that bad this time. Heidenrech is actually not that bad this time. He’s starting to grow on me. Anyway Animal and Heidy go out for a tag team match and defeat some nameless jobbers immediately, but not before Heidenrech sets off the Doomsday Device. I think that The Animal and Heidenrech actually make a good team.
Chick Beef
SD’s newest draftee Candice Michelle comes out to tell everyone how the WWE is providing the viewing of the Great American Bash free of cost to the men and women of our Armed Forces on the Armed Forces Network. But as she’s telling us about this, Melina interrupts. See, Candice is going to be the special ref for Melina and Torrie’s Bra and Panty Match at The Great American Bash. Melina talks smack about Torrie and insults Candice by saying that she and her claim to fame (Godaddy.com commercial at the Superbowl) is so last year. Then for some reason she attacks Candice and strips her down to her skivvies. Then Torrie comes and saves the day by getting in some shots and chasing Melina out of the ring. As Torrie is helping Candice Michelle out of the ring I can’t help but to think…
What’s the difference between Candice Michelle and Joy Giovanni? It can’t be their squeaky chicken sounding voices. I guess the answer is one is bagging groceries down at the Piggly Wiggly right now and one is not.
JBL’s Victory Speech
You’ve got to be really confident to be giving a Victory Speech before you’ve even secured the victory. But that’s just our JBL who comes out to a confetti raining entrance dressed as Uncle Sam. Instead of his big white limo, he comes out in a convertible. He starts talking shit at a podium set up in the ring, and I’m wondering when Orlando Jordan will DO SOMETHING TO HIS FREAKIN’ HAIR! That Sonic The Hedgehog look does nothing for him. But whatever, I’m no stylist.
JBL goes on for a while comparing himself to great Americans like George Washington, Neil Armstrong and Martin Luther King Jr. He says that they are all great but lesser men compared to him. Then he sells America as a superpower who helps poor nations who can’t even help themselves, but turns around and calls American citizens lazy cowards. And blah blah blah blah right until our Champ saves the day.
Batista comes out, and though he hasn’t been wowing me with his stick work in a while, I was somewhat impressed by how he handled JBL this week. “You want to be the world champion dressed like that?”
And it was true. JBL looked like a doofus. Batista asks how JBL can guarantee his own victory against him. He doesn’t know, but he guarantees that in about two seconds he’s going to whoop his ass. And yes, he does that. He trades some shots with JBL who manages to run out of the ring (the area right below one of his eyes got cut somehow, damn, Batista just keeps effing you up man) and Batista spinebusts OJ and gives him the name of his hairdresser.
Everything Else
Seacrest, Out!
Christian calls Josh Ryan Seacrest in an interview. He also tells Josh that he lives in his mom’s basement. Oh yeah, and Booker is going to be a two time, two time loser at the GAB.
Booker T. Over Simon Dean
Everyone is always dissing Booker’s wife. Simon came out and accused Sharmelle of abusing buffet line privileges. This set Booker off of course and he pinned to win. And that was his message to Christian: Foreshadowing for the GAB.
Notable Signs
Marry Me Melina—Is same sex marriage legal in Maryland?
The Mexicools Mowed My Lawn—So you’ve got a lawn at the trailer park?
Me And…
Yellow Dark—These were two signs next to each other. What does it mean? I don’t know, but it sound like the title of Mick Foley’s next angst ridden novel with a gimpy male teen protagonist.
JBL=God—Ummm…no.
John Boobs Layfield—Can’t argue with that. He does have a nice rack.
Do you know what time it is? Yeah that’s right, it’s time for… The Last Resort! Now remember…if you need advice or would like to become a TLR panelist, click on that link to let me know. As far at the TLR right now, I’m going to do something a little different this week. We’ve got to do some customer service here in the W&B, and it’s time to get cracking.
Last week I held a TLR roundtable, which included the advice and opinions of several fine panelists. If you were reading last week, you’ll remember a letter from Pitiful Loser. If you haven’t, click here to see his letter and the TLR roundtable responses.
Almost immediately after the column posted, this dude wrote me back and he had some issues with the advice that we gave him. Here’s to hoping this whole thing was a big assed gag:
How dare you just stereotype all pretty women like that Jeanice? I thought you knew better. And as for me being gay or married, that’s really none of your business. I’m neither and I’d appreciate if you stop slandering me. All of those comments didn’t help me one bit, especially abut throwing her in a river. How am i supposed to do that? The one thing i did like was the English guy’s response. I don’t appreciate you saying she will dump me anyway because she loves me and I know she loves me. I just don’t want her to keep getting hurt so how does that make me a bad guy?
The Hoss was one of the panelists merciful enough to even address Pitiful Loser once more. This is what he has to say:
Bwahahahahahahah! (I now appear to be bereft of ribs, from laughing so
hard!)
Mate, i think you need to switch to de-caf or something, your taking this FAR too seriously. If you’re prepared to bare your soul to the whole world, whilst at the same time being very guarded and not revealing the reason WHY you can’t be with this bird, then you’re ganna have to accept the opinions you’re given. Gay? Possibly. Married? Could be. Only you (or your boyfriend and/or wife) know this. And as for the chucking in the river thing? Come on mate, I’m sure my compadre Big Thang didn’t ACTUALLY mean for you to throw her in the river, it’s a metaphor or something. Probably. Anyway, like i said, tell her the reason you can’t be with her and then be a man and brave the inevitable shitstorm that occurs. Hey, these things happen, you must have a f***in’ great excuse for not being with with this perfect sounding lass. So basically what I’m saying is stop whining like a little girl with a skinned knee and tell her what the deal is.
Happy to help
Hoss.
I agree with Hoss. This bit is for entertainment purposes only. It’s okay if you vent your “real” problems on the internet but it’s called The Last Resort. I mean come on. You’re an idiot. Slander? That’s wrong on sooo many levels. Taking Big Thang seriously about dumping bodies in a river? God you’re stupid. Please tell me this is a joke. Please. And yeah, you’re a bad guy because you are a LIAR!
P.L., I actually think we gave you some pretty right on responses. We could’ve spent the whole column making fun of your dumb ass but we added some common sense to the equation. I don’t know, maybe we weren’t talking your language or being clear enough for you. And since you’re not gay, (right?) I think I’ve figured out the perfect way to make things more clear for you. That’s right, I’m going to do a do-over and re-advise you again. I know, I know, it’s not something I usually do, but I can’t have an unhappy customer right? Okay, hold on, there’s something I need to do before I finish what I have to say…
(puts on some house music)
Heyyy gurrrrl!
Oops! I mean, Pitiful Loser!
How you doin’?
What you need to do is dump that chick with the scrambled eggs between her legs and get yourself some SAUUUUSAAAAAGE!
OWW!
(snaps fingers in a sassy fashion)
She’ll get over it! They got girl movies for that shit. She’ll eat some ice cream and watch one of those Ya Ya Vagina-hood movies and she’ll be alright. (starts Voguing). You know what you need? You need to dance all your cares away and shake your asssss!
And there you go. I hope you understood this time P.L. But before I go, I’ve got one more guy who’s just itching to get something off of his chest. The CURRENT Big Thing!
Congratulations Mr. Loser, you are officially the only f***ing idiot in this planet that would actually ask for help online to dump a hot supermodel girlfriend. You asked for advice and Tha Thang Man responded. What you do with my advice is up to you. But apparently, our advice wasn’t all that bad ‘cause you’re back asking stupid questions again.
Not wanting to hurt her doesn’t make you a bad guy. Being a soft, pathetic little pussy makes you a bad guy… literally. Guys don’t act like that! Is that why you can’t be with her?? Cuz you’re a big stupid pussy?
And as for your bimbo model, she’s probably all f***ed up, too. She’s a psycho bitch. I know psycho bitches, and she’s one. She doesn’t have a low self-esteem! She just makes you think that to make you feel bad for her! I, for one, don’t feel bad for either of you, not after the stupid response you gave.
I know your kind. I’ve seen them around. The dorky guy that hits the jackpot with a hot chick, but then is afraid to “perform…” You know, the ones that put blankets on the girl’s face when he goes to kiss her because he doesn’t want things to get “weird…” You disgust me. With your ugly little bow tie and your ugly little hairdo and your ugly metal braces.
From the looks of it, the one that should end up in a river somewhere should be you, not your dumb, over-sentimental, abused, anorexic, obsessively obsessed model friend.
Tha Thang Man is spent! Can someone get me a bottle of water?!
I love it when Thang-A-Lang is all bitter and angry…yes…his bitterness sustains me (slurp slurp).
Well there you go Pitiful Loser. One thing is for sure, you live up to your name.
Next week we have another TLR panelist helping us out with a question, so be sure to stay tuned. And if you’ve got something to say, say it.
Bye Gurrrl!
God I’m so stupid.
But I’m here all week!
