Welcome back to another edition of The White & Blue. Finally, it’s time for The Last Resort.
But this time we have something different. We have a whole TLR Roundtable!
In addition to my opinions and advice we have the fine wisdom of lord and master of Salty Ham and Raw Rage Roland G.; A fine British bloke by the name of The Hoss, and the hardest working man in America The CURRENT Big Thing!
Remember, just clicking on this link right here will open into a new window. Ask me stuff because it’s fun. Isn’t it?
The Last Resort Roundtable
Here’s our question:
Dear Jeanice,
I have a problem and I want the queen of SD recaps to help. : )
I met this girl, she’s beautiful. In fact she’s an ex model. She has really low self-esteem (can’t figure out why). All I did was started being nice to her and we’ve deeloped a friendship. She says she needs me and is in love with me and she thinks we will be together because I haven’t exactly stopped her from thinking that. If you saw how pretty she was and how sweet she was you’d have a hard time telling her you couldn’t be with her either. Anyway I love her, I’ve told her so and I told her I wouldn’t leave but this was okay because I just figured I would build her up because she just got out of a mentally and physically abusive relationship.
I do love her but I can’t be with her (I know crazy but I can’t) and I just want to know how to not lead her on anymore without her hating me and without her feeling like everything is over for her. She said she feels good because of me and without me now but she still needs me what should I do?
Pitiful Loser
Well I’m going to let Roland go first:
What the…
Who the…
How the…
Dude, you sound like you’re either A) gay or B) married. Why are you leading this poor girl on? You were either trying to get into her pants and now she’s getting clingy or you dig on boys and wanted this one as a gal pal, but forgot to mention you like to french the trench.
Alright, to answer your question – the only way to not lead her on MORE THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE, you have to tell her RIGHT NOW that you can’t be with her. Don’t even finish reading Jeanice’s column. Do it now, we’ll wait.
Okay, now that you did that – may I say that you are a douche?
Thanks,
Roland
Hey Roland, why don’t you just tell him how you really feel? Roland don’t play dat. Anyway, looks like he’s going to have to wait till the end of the column to read the rest of The Last Resort roundtable, ’cause we can’t take forever to get to the rasslin’ now can we? Keep on scrolling for SD coverage and the rest of the roundtable…
For Airdate: 7/14/05
A Family Affair
Eddie came out to rant about Rey Mysterio not showing up tonight. Eddie says he knows what Rey is trying to do: avoid humiliation by just not showing up. Oh well. Looks like he’s going to have to tell his little secret and tell Rey’s son a “bedtime story”. Right after he tells Dominic to come close to the TV and to take his father’s hands off of his ears because story time is about to begin, Eddie’s wife Vicki and their two daughters come down to the ring. Vicki begs Eddie not to tell the secret because “Rey is a good man”, and the secret will like jack up everyone’s family and stuff. Eddie yells at her to get to the back, and he hustles her backstage, ranting and yelling about who puts clothes on her back and who’s really the boss and what not. Backstage as he gets them into a car, Hardcore Holly tries to be a hero and tries to calm Eddie down since he’s going psycho on his wife.
Eddie pushes Hardcore and then Hardcore shoves him back hard against the car his family has just got into. Then Eddie tells Vicki, “Hurry up and get out of here before I get hurt!”
Was I the only one who found this funny?
Anyways, the set up for Hardcore VS. Eddie has been set, and later in the show they match up. Hardcore is a stiff mofo. I thought Eddie was just selling the hell out of his chops, but it turns out that maniac was really going hard, leaving big read frying pan size handprints on Eddie’s chest. It really looked like he was being rough with Eddie. When did Hardcore get super big like that? In fact, everyone on SD is looking a little extra buff lately, including Eddie and Rey. Hmm.
Anyway Eddie cheats to win. And what’s this like, his first win in six months or something? I’m just guestimating. He uses a metal pipe to hit Hardcore on his hamstring when the ref is not looking, and then does a Texas Cloverleaf to make Hardcore submit.
Later he attempts to apologize to his wife for his mistreatment of her earlier. Then he compromises with Vicki. Okay, okay, he won’t tell Rey’s secret UNLESS he loses to him at The Great American Bash.
Creepy Little Sneak
So will there be a program between Booker T and Christian. I suppose so. The angle is that Booker’s mad because Christian cost him the title shot in that six man elimination match. Plus, Christian’s walking around thinking that he’s running thangs. Not so when the five time, five time, five time…man you get it right? Anyway right before their match begins, Christian sneaks on Booker and wears him out before the actual match began. Yes. This was basically a SQUASH match. Why? I don’t really agree with this since I think both of these guys can put on a great match and neither of them are no name jobbers, but whatever, I’m no booker or writer for the company. Anyway Booker got pinned immediately after the bell rung after the Unprettier.
The Animal!
One half of the Road Warriors comes back to interrupt a beat down and promo on Heidenrech by MNM. How dare MNM think that they are the greatest tag team ever? The Animal begs to differ. After he ran them out of the ring and into the crowd they began talking smack saying that he was just here to promote his DVD. Then they challenged him to a tag team championship match at the GREAT AMERICAN BASH. The stupid one said, “It’ll be The Road Warriors against MNM!” Then the slightly less stupid one said, “Wait, that can’t happen. His partner is dead! Ha ha ha!”
Boos all around for these jackasses as Animal tries to run after them. Heidenrech stops him though and says, “Brother! I’m on your side! I’m on your side!” He says he’s no Road Warrior but he’s his friend and would like to be his partner at the GREAT AMERICAN BASH. Animal is reluctant because well, Heidenrech is retarded, but he agrees eventually. And there you have it.
Hussan’s Statement
I didn’t really pay attention to this part of the show because it was boring. But I thought it better to consider this as a major segment of the show because of how much big of a deal Hussan was made of last week with his little terrorist attack on Undertaker, a landmark of American history. Right. Anyways, He didn’t show up tonight and according to the lawyer he sent in his place to make a statement, he’s taking a leave of absence until y’all mufuhs stop bugging out on him.
Well you know what happens right? Taker comes out and choke slams the lawyer. Yeah.
How Did JBL Get That Effed Up?
A nasty assed shiner, staples in the head. This is all JBL had for his little show and tell visit to the ring that night. He says Batista‘s attack on him during his match with Blue Meanie caused these injuries and also caused him to lose to a fat kid who should’ve paid admission just to be in the same ring with him. (Well, Blue Meanie is fat). Earlier Batista did an interview with Josh portraying the attack as an attack on a mean bully who finally got his.
Were those head staples real? The busted eye (it looked gross)? Or are they basically trying to say that this is JBL’s real life punishment for what he did to Meanie, which also included an eye jammy and head staples? The company has been getting heat for appearing not to care that JBL shot on Meanie at ECW’s One Night Stand. Is this a way to placate people? Who knows? It looked real to me. I just can’t figure out how that much damage got done last week. He didn’t even get that jacked up during his and John’s I Quit match.
Anyway, JBL’s promo is done right before his protégé’s match with Batista. Batista may have won, but JBL hit the Clothesline From Hell and appeared to stand victorious holding Tista’s title proudly above his head and shoulders.
Everything Else
Melina VS. Torrie
The two tarts are going at it in a Bra & Panties match at the GAB.
The Mexicools Actually Fight
In an actual match the Mexicools defeat Paul London, Funaki and Scotty 2 Hotty.
The New Chick
Candice Michelle was on this episode of SD, in case anyone cared. And Christian was cutting her down, as he should.
Notable Signs
Big ‘Ol Batista—Yep. He’s Big ‘Ol. I guess that’s all you had to say.
Eddie Stop Blackmailing Rey—Usually these signs attempt at being funny or obscure in nature. Very rarely do we get an honest and simple admonishment from a fan who just wants to see some justice in this world. I applaud you sir. Next time, please bring a “Heidenrech Stop Being Retarded” or a “Stop Wasting Money on Talentless Divas” sign. Your public service does my heart good.
Hire ROH Midgets—Damn, do you really want Jamie Noble back that bad bruh?
I Want Some, I Got Some—But not on the B show my friend. He’s White & Blue no longer. I was going to add some sort of a sex joke here but enough of my female chauvinism. After all, John Cena is not a piece of meat.
Screw that. I want some too. Where is he giving it out?
Bite His Nipple—Again, another public service announcement and the best way to win a match I’ve ever heard.
Me>You—Whatever. You think you’re better than me with just because I can’t pronounce the word bisghetti. I mean Pisghetti. Bosghotti? Oh dammit, that thing that comes with sauce and two dogs who make out and fight over the last damn noodle in a Disney Movie.
There’s No Wrong Way To Eat A Reesie—Considering that you’re a forty-five year old with thick coke bottle glasses and a muu muu on, I’m figuring that any and everyway is the wrong way to eat a Reesie, Reesie.
Blurred Sign—This was actually a blurred sign that was shown during the segment with Hussan’s lawyer. Who knows what it said, but kudos for actually bringing a sign that security didn’t take away, only to have it blurred on a television screen. Awesome.
Hussan Fan Club—Number of Members:…(Beatdown and explosion). Oops. That brings the membership back down to zero. Guess you gotta be careful about who you endorse these days.
And that’s it with the signs, but guess what, it ain’t over yet folks.
We are back with the TLR Roundtable! Next up is The Hoss. His Geordie accent even comes through in text! He’ll totally make you swoon, ahhhhh:
BE HONEST mate. Be REALLY, REALLY honest here. Whatever reason you have that stops you being with her, tell her. None of this ‘It’s not you, it’s me etc etc’ bollocks. Be a stand up guy and tell her. One of two things will happen.
A – She’ll accept it and everything will be cool OR
B – She’ll hate you for it
Obviously, Option A is the outcome we want here right? BUT from personal
experience Option B is the more likely outcome. Now you’ll feel like a
bastard for a bit cos she’s crying and saying that she hates you and what a wanker you are. Don’t worry, she’ll go and see her mates, they’ll hammer a few bottles of wine and talk about what a bunch of shitbags men are and she’ll realise that she’s a confident and strong independent woman who don’t NEEEEED no man! (Jeanice’s personal note: I HEARD DAT!)
And there ya gan. What’s stopping you being with this bird anyway? It must be f***in’ RIGHT on top mate. An ex-model eh? f***BEANS!
Peace.
Hoss~!
Isn’t he cute? Up next is someone just as cute, The CURRENT Big Thing! Let’s see what he says:
Dear Pitiful Loser,
Unfortunately, I’m in the world of models and actors and stuff, so I know how hot these women are. I say unfortunately, because once they open their mouths it’s beyond disappointment. So if the reason why you can’t be with her is because she’s a f***ing idiot, then I understand. If not, then you got some issues Mr. Loser. But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to give you advice to dump your beautiful bimbo, so here we go:
Whether she’s a moron or not, she’s still a girl and no girl takes a break up easily, especially if they’re being dumped. I suggest throwing her into a f***ing river, but if that’s too extreme for you, try telling her the truth. Tell her you love her, but you can’t be with her, but you’re willing to be there for her whenever she needs you. Now to me that sounds like a big oxymoron, but hey, that’s how you feel so say it. Just make sure you call her at least a day after you break the news to make sure she didn’t kill herself… And if you’re worried about leading her on, then here’s an intelligent piece of advice I came up with – f***ing DON’T! Leave your cock in your pants and be friends! You wouldn’t worry about leading your uncle on would you? I hope not. Then treat her like an uncle or something. Don’t kiss her. Don’t tease her. Don’t hold hands with her. Nothing. She should get the hint. If not, then seriously dump her into a river.
TCBT
Hmm, into a river. (writing it down). Got it. Now it’s my turn to tackle this.
Jeanice:
First of all I ‘d like to say, that you sound kind of aesthetically challenged. No offense, I’m just saying. You don’t seem like the kind of guy who’s used to hot women (or even women period for that matter) liking you. This is just my ladies intuition talking, but I could be wrong. Now I don’t know why you “can’t” be with her. Maybe you’re afraid that you really won’t measure up to her and she’s smothering you to death when you never expected her to even give a damn about you in the first place. In any case, let this be a lesson to you all: Any guy can get any girl he wants. Doesn’t matter who you are, what you are, how much money you make, how uggmo you are, the world is yours. Gorgeous women tend to be the most insecure people on the planet, especially if they are model type chicks and are used to the world scrutinizing them. In that kind of environment it doesn’t matter how pretty you are, you can never be perfect enough. That does something to a girl’s self-esteem.
She starts dating A-holes at this point because they treat her the way she feels she should be treated. After being scrutinized and criticized and dissected she’ll feel really vulnerable and exposed. Some enterprising A-hole will come along and hit the jackpot. He’ll tear her down and ignore her, treat her like crap and that will intrigue her. Hell, she’ll be downright happy when he doesn’t reject her because for some reason in her mind it means that maybe she’s “good enough”. But then she grows up a little more or happens upon a person like you Pitiful Loser.
The “nice” guy. He’s not all that, but it’s okay, she’s falling for him because of the stuff that’s on the inside. He lets her make decisions and treats her like a human being. You, as the Nice Guy, don’t see what the big deal is. You’ve been nice to girls all your life and NONE of them even cared before. What’s so different huh? Doesn’t matter, because she wants you.
For now.
Now either she’ll stay in this phase and will love you and stuff, or she’ll move out of it ANYWAY because she’s bored of being treated like you know, a human being. She might think she “needs” you, but no one needs anyone. Not only are you a rebound relationship but her feelings are probably mainly transference. You know, that kind of thing when the patient falls for the psychologist? Odds are she’ll get bored with your ugly ass anyway and will give you the “It’s not you, it’s me” crap. And when in rendezvous with the hot model chick this is one of those rare cases where “it’s not you, it’s me” is most likely true. See, chicks like these are A-Holes all on their own because they don’t realize how good people are, even themselves, and they are likely to go back to A-holes again until they’re cracked out or dead from domestic violence.
The way I see it, you just did community service. You helped her get away from/over her abusive ex and start to care about herself right? Shit, maybe you saved her life. Well okay then. You’ve got your wings Angel. But just for the record, you’re still a jerk for leading her on.
My personal motto is, “If it happened, it happened.” What are you gonna do? Feel bad about it? Hell to the naw. Just gnaw your foot off and get out whatever way you can. If you choose the un-cowardly route (because I’ve been broken up with just by a person simply avoiding me) then tell her “I’m just not ready for what you want. You’re great but I don’t want to hurt you and I just can’t commit. Blah blah blah.” Why tell her the real reason like, “I’m gay.”, “I’m married.” Or “I’m Wink Martindale.” The least direct you are with her, the less intimacy there is, the easier it is to break clean away. Sure, say you’ll want to be friends but don’t do it, even if you want to. That’s just going to make crap worse. Trust me. She’ll get over it.
Well Pitiful Loser, I hope we helped you out a little. That was our roundtable. Remember guys, If you have a question or want to be a TLR panelist, click here and have fun.
Deezam, that was a long column. Oh well, I can do what I want, ha ha haa ha ha. Well that’s it for this week. If you’ve got something to say, say it to my face man. (Or at least to my email program).
Good day sir!
