Welcome back to another edition of The White & Blue! Unfortunately once more there’ll be no The Last Resort. So click on that link above (which will open into a new window) to (anonymously if need be) send me random questions or questions in which you’re seeking advice to. That’s right, I’m the Wrestling Ann Landers. Since there’s no fresh TLR, here’s a TLR rerun. Enjoy!
Originally posted 6/03/04
Dear Jeanice,
You’re a girl, so I just wanted to know, how do I get girls to like me? I’m a junior in high school and I still haven’t had a steady girlfriend, or an unsteady girlfriend for that matter. What do I do?
Danger Boy
Dear DB,
How do you get girls to like you? 1) Be cute. 2) Be Funny. 3) Act like you don’t give a Funaki.
Does this seem too hard? Let me break it down for you, ’cause despite all these things you hear about women being complicated, we are fairly easy to fool if you do things the right way.
For instance with being cute, if you’re not naturally good looking then just copy someone’s style who is popular with girls on the celebrity tip, such as a former N*Sync member (not Lance or Joey) or a young hot actor. Do what everyone is doing nowadays, cutting their hair, making it spiky and coloring the tips blonde. Use lots of “product”. Be a young, non-gay Ryan Seacrest. Wear fitted jeans and button up shirts. Always be seen with a Starbucks product and expensive looking shades. And if you don’t want to go that way try punk or hip hop. Whatever the top forty is, go with it. Copy copy copy until you look like a hybrid of that guy from Good Charlotte, Usher, Justin Timberlake and Willie Nelson. Be a little bit of everything. One of those guys has to appeal to someone, and if not, I don’t want to meet the girl who wouldn’t throw her panty drawers at Willie Nelson.
With being funny, you can either go with blatant sarcasm like, “Yeah, Van Helsing was actually really good” or you can resort to sticking things up your nose. Now sticking things up your nose can be tricky, and kind of dangerous, so only do this occasionally. When done at the wrong time, you can go from being “cute” to “asshole”. Straws up the nose while hanging at Six Flags? Cute. Macaroni Salad while at the reception of her grandma’s funeral? Asshole.
There’s also another method you can go with: Being the bumbling self-deprecating fool. Bump into stuff, spill things, give the wrong answers to simple questions and then crack on yourself about how clumsy/geeky/stupid you are, making yourself into one big joke. Girls will eat this up. Disgust will turn into pity, which will turn into endearment, which will turn into them wanting to jump your bones. And if you do this right, you can turn this whole thing into a successful career. Just keep watching Conan O’ Brien to see what I’m talking about. Take all cues from the master.
The last step is the most crucial which is acting like you don’t care. Sure, be funny, be cute, stick things up your nose but always leave them hanging. When you become friends with a hot girl of your liking and you achieve garnering their interest by following steps one and two, cement your standing with snubs bordering on rejection to make them even more confused, suicidal and interested than before. When they ask, “Danger Boy, you wanna hang out at Starbucks after school?” you say, “Nah, got some things I gotta do. Later.” And don’t be thrown by subtle seductive attempts to monopolize your time. “Didn’t you get an A on the last French exam? Man if I don’t get some help with the next one my GPA will plummet and I’ll have to go to community college to be a French Fry Technician at McDonald’s”
You just say, “Well good luck with that.” And walk away.
You have to be tricky with this method also, because you have to pop up and act interested again right at the precise moment when the girl thinks you don’t like her because she’s not thin/pretty/smart enough and she’s checking into that rehab clinic for cutters and overachieving teen girls. Either she’ll do that or she’ll totally hate you for being an asshole. So you drop the self-esteem, you spike it back up, you drop the self-esteem, you spike it back up, and you keep doing this until she corners you in the hallway Dawson’s Creek style and demands to know, ” Do you really like me or not Danger Boy? I need to know now!” I don’t wanna wait, for this life to be over…. And before you know it, you’re touching her sweater puppies on the back staircase and you’ll be damned near knocking her up in the back of the limo during the prom. Of course if you do knock her up you’ll be stuck with her for life, so to save you from nagging and dirty diapers, and just to add yet another helpful PSA here in my educational column: Wrap it up.
If we get a fresh and brand new letter next week, I’ll unveil my special guest on the panel.
On with the show.
For Airdate: 6/30/05
Melina‘s First Time
This was Melina’s and I believe Michelle McCool‘s first match on SmackDown! For the first time in a long time, I was actually “into” a women’s match. Why? I just really wanted Michelle McCool to beat down Melina. I can’t stand Melina!
Well, everything was going according to plan until Melina somehow gained control and cheated for a pin by using the ropes. Bleccch.
The Big Secret?
Okay, seriously. This thing with Eddie and Rey has got to stop. In the months leading up to this there has been some pretty serious “gaytastic” undertones between them. Now just when you think this whole thing is over, more gaytastic stuff is happening.
First of all, after getting has ass beat by Rey last week, Eddie comes out to the ring this time, still keeping the fires burning. He comes out, talking about some big secret between the two of them that Rey doesn’t want anyone to know. Then he cuts to a video of a playground. This is supposed to be the playground of Rey’s son. Eddie talks to the camera wondering if Rey’s son likes secrets and bedtime stories.
Ummm…the audience was chanting something at this point. I couldn’t make it out. But it should’ve been Wacko Jacko. This just reeked of a mishap at Neverneverland. It was creepy.
He went up to Rey’s son offering candy, and telling him to “swing higher” and “slide faster”. It was weird. Then he made the boy sit on his lap and asked him if he liked secrets and bedtime stories. The kid said, sure, they aight. And then Eddie asked him if he loved his Uncle Eddie. The boy said, you cool bro. And then they hugged and Eddie looked menacingly into the camera.
The footage done, Eddie still fanned the flames of the fire asking Rey if he wanted his son and the whole audience to know their secret that they shared.
Rey came out and begged Eddie not to tell. He looked weak. Eddie mushed him in his face and pushed him down and Rey just took it. He was obviously upset about this secret being revealed. Eddie had the control, and he relished it, saying that he always wins, no matter what way or fashion. Then Eddie took some candy that he had previously chewed and mashed it in Rey’s face, his mouth in particular. Then he left.
I’m only guessing that this angle reveals that Eddie is really the father of Rey’s kid or something like that, even though they are making it sound gayer than it is on purpose. Wow, SD is really turning into a Mexican soap opera.
SD gets a new Championship, (and two new draft picks)
The Six man elimination match went fourty-five mins long. It was okay, but Taker and Hussan left too early and in a flaky way. Taker got DQ’d while beating down Hussan with a chair, and Hussan ran to the back since he was like a doorknob in that match: everybody got a turn. Then it was Benoit, then it was Booker, finally JBL reigned supreme. Oh, did I forget to mention that Christian replaced Big Show in this match. Captain Charisma seemed well received and he gave some really good work. I’m only disappointed that the Cena/Christian feud never took off. It could’ve been something amazing, but oh well. And what will become of Tomko? I suppose only time will tell.
When JBL wins, Teddy Long comes out and tells him that he is not the SD champ because there is no need for the title any longer. See, Batista is on SD! And he brought the belt with him. He becomes the next contender for the World Championship title.
This officially means that Cena is headlining RAW, and will probably get all types of injuries busting his ass with HHH for the next ten years in a grapple for the title.
Everything Else
The Mexicools interrupt yet another Chavo/London match for their tomfoolery. Ha!
Notable Signs
Batista Is Filipino—He is also HOT!
Shut Up Trick—What a coincidence. This was the same speech I gave for my friend’s wedding toast.
There was more, but I can’t remember them now…
Better luck next time!
See you around.
