JOHN CENA INTERVIEW
The show opens with WWE Champion John Cena. He invites Chris Jericho and Christian to come out for a fight, but Muhammad Hassan and Daivari come out instead. Hassan says Cena, like most Americans, is complaining when he has nothing to complain about. The people welcomed Cena, Hassan says, but they welcomed him with prejudice. Cena says Daivari ties Hassan to a post and spanks him. The champion swears, but his words are blocked out. He challenges Hassan for tonight.
General Manger Eric Bischoff says Teddy Long let Cena get away with whatever he wanted, but Bischoff keeps control of Raw. Cena will face Hassan for the title tonight, Bischoff says, and should Hassan win, he will be in the triple threat at Vengeance. Cena is ready to fight, but Hassan ducks out of the ring.
Any chance that Hassan will win the title and be drafted to Smackdown?
DRAFT LOTTERY: CARLITO CARRIBEAN COOL COMES TO RAW.
“Raw has done it again. We are three for three,” Bischoff says of the next draft pick. Bischoff calls Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin a “jewel from last year’s draft lottery” and introduces him. No one has held the belt longer than Benjamin, Bischoff says. Benjamin says he knows he will be facing the next draft pick for his title and asks him to come out. It’s Carlito Caribbean Cool.
CARLITO CARIBBEAN COOL DEF. SHELTON BENJAMIN FOR THE IC TITLE.
Benjamin does a beautiful flying corkscrew onto Carlito on the outside. While on the turnbuckle, Benjamin slips but doesn’t fall. Jim Ross covers it up by saying Benjamin’s equilibrium is hurt after hitting the floor. Carlito rolls Benjamin up, grabs the ropes and gets the three. Carlito is the only person to win the U.S. Title on his Smackdown debut and the IC Title on his Raw debut.
“Superstar” Billy Graham is shown in the crowd.
Carlito says he will be the greatest IC champion WWE has ever seen. He spits an apple in Maria’s face.
VISCERA DEF. SIMON DEAN.
Lillian Garcia smiles as she announces Viscera’s name. Dean calls Viscera “Huge Hefner” and says he didn’t know anyone is fatter than Charles Barkley. Vis hits the big splash and the hump from behind. He wins with the sit-down powerbomb, which Ross calls the “Viscera driver.” Garcia says they have been moving slowly, but in Las Vegas, Viscera will “get lucky and hit the jackpot.” She blows him a kiss as he walks to the locker room.
The same lame Raw-Diva-Search footage from last week is shown.
Chris Jericho says his interest in wrestling has been renewed because he finally received a title shot after not having one for three years. Jericho says, like Cena’s, Fozzy’s record sales will “go through the roof” when Jericho wins the WWE Championship.
Christian comes in and says Jericho is overlooking him, who beat Jericho at WrestleMania. Captain Charisma says of Jericho and Cena, “Both you and your albums suck.”
The video of HHH’s hell in the cell dominance is shown again.
“It looks like it’s gonna be a long week for Batista,” Angle tells Bischoff. Angle says he will make Shawn Michaels tap out and dedicate his win to a GM he respects, Bischoff. “Unlike Cena, I do want to shake your hand.”
Jerry Lawler says he may need a tissue. “As many weddings as you’ve had, and you still cry?” Ross says. Funny.
EDGE AND LITA’S WEDDING.
At least this wedding isn’t the main event.
“My last wedding was a beauty: I gave her the ring, and she gave me the wrong finger,” Lawler says.
Only Edge, Lita and a minister participate. Lita wears a dress that fully shows most of her breasts and a lot of leg. A video is shown of Edge pummeling Kane with the briefcase and the happy couple’s first embrace, all to romantic music. Edge and Lita make-out until the minister interrupts them. The minister says a “rather large man” has insisted on coming out and saying something. Edge and Lita are alarmed, but the man is Gene Snitsky. He reads a poem entitled “It’s Not My Fault.”
“It’s not my fault Kane can’t get an erection,” he says. (What’s worse than one Heidenreich? Two Heidenreichs.)
Edge puts the ring on Lita’s finger. “Everybody knows me as money in the bank, but now you know me as money in the bank,” he says.
“I may have been unlucky in marriage, but I’ve never been unlucky in love, because I never loved Kane,” she says. “If falling in love with you makes me a slut, then I’m proud to be the slut of the century!”
The minister asks if anyone feels Edge and Lita shouldn’t be married. Matt Hardy‘s music and video play, but he never arrives. “Sorry, I just couldn’t resist,” Edge says.
“We want Matt!” the crowd chants. Kane comes up through a hole in the ring and chokes Lita, but Edge breaks up the move. The couple runs out of the ring. Kane destroys the wedding set and tombstones the priest.
“Kane will be excommunicated for this!” Lawler says.
The couple never actually marries. Ross calls the wedding the most bizarre one in “Raw” history; I’m not so sure about that.
Mark Lloyd reminds Christy Hemme (and us) about Victoria‘s heel turn three weeks ago. Talk about poor follow-up! Lloyd says Hemme will face Victoria at Vengeance. “Every time I see that bitch, I just want to rip her head off!” Hemme screams unconvincingly.
Victoria attacks from behind and smashes a vase over Hemme’s back. “You’re right Christy, I am a bitch!” Victoria says in a cold voice. Hemme lies unconscious. Paramedics put her in a neck brace and on a stretcher. She doesn’t know the day of the week or where she is.
JOHN CENA DEF. MUHAMMAD HASSAN TO RETAIN THE WWE TITLE.
Ross says this is the first WWE Title match since 2001. This claim doesn’t seem accurate because the brand extension didn’t happen until 2002. Cena’s punches look extremely unrealistic. He quickly wins with the F-U; Hassan loses his undefeated streak as if he is a jobber. On Cena’s way to the back, Jericho and Christian attack him and fight between each other for every kick. Jericho picks up the title. On the way out of the arena, Christian tells some women to be at Vengeance because he will be WWE champion.
DIVA SEARCH FINALISTS ANNOUNCED.
A Toronto woman advances in the Diva Search. Other ladies are from Long Island and Vienna, Austria. One woman was in a 50 Cent video, and another kisses Jonathan Coachman.
Ross announces that Carlito will defend his IC Title against Benjamin at Vengeance. The announcers still emphasize that Hemme will face Victoria. If Hemme was really hurt so bad, shouldn’t there be questions about her ability to wrestle Sunday? Ross also says Batista-HHH will be the 13th hell in the cell in history. A Vengeance press conference — featuring WWE owner Vince McMahon — will take place tomorrow in Vegas.
WORLD HVT. CHAMPION BATISTA DEF. KURT ANGLE IN A NON-TITLE MATCH VIA DQ WHEN EVOLUTION INTERFERED.
Angle applies the ankle lock early, and Batista kicks out. HHH and Ric Flair attack Batista after only a few minutes. Michaels soon joins the fray. Garcia announces Batista as the winner via DQ, but Bischoff says there will be a tag match. The influence of ECW is popping up in subtle ways, like simultaneous matchmaking.
HHH AND KURT ANGLE DEF. BATISTA AND SHAWN MICHAELS.
Flair chop-blocks Michaels and rams his leg against the ring post. Angle and HHH work on Michaels’ leg. The gold medallist applies the STF on him. Batista double-clotheslines HHH and Angle. Michaels and Angle brawl through the crowd. Batista hits a spinebuster. Flair’s interference distracts Batista and allows HHH to hit the pedigree for the win. He holds up the belt and taunts a prone Batista.
Grade: C-. When judging a “Raw” right before a pay-per-view, I use two criteria: how entertaining the show is on its own and how well the show sets-up the upcoming super-card. This show would not be ranked highly based on either measure. On the eve of a pay-per-view that features the most historic, protected, dangerous specialty match; on a show that featured TWO world champions, a title change, a brand jump and a wedding, “Raw” still seemed like it was just going through the motions, without much creativity, excitement, surprise or direction. Since “Raw” seemed to be on a roll over the last several weeks, let’s hope this was just a stumbling block.
Full Credit: LiveAudioWrestling.com
