(sigh). I’m sad. Why? Because my show doesn’t have a champion. It’s not that we’re missing just any champion, we’re missing John Cena. I know you cry babies are like, “Bad Champion, Bad Champion…” Ehh…go somewhere and lose your hymen, please. Anyway, no matter how much I say bad stuff about him (which I sometimes do) he was what I looked forward to seeing every week. And now I have to review a show without him. (sigh again). He was the show’s number one draw, (with certain other stars coming in second and third). Now he’s on RAW. Over there, you can’t swing a dead body without hitting a champion. But on SD…
Well we’ve got the cruiserweight championship (no one cares). The Tag Team championship (Held by MNM?—hell no, no one cares). And the US Championship held by OJ. Wow. You know what? I’ve got nothing else to say. You add all that up, and tell me what the results of your math is. (Acceptable answers: a) nothing, b) boring, c) baba booey baba booey baba booey!)
Fortunately this show wasn’t as snore worthy as I thought it was going to be. Instead of going into The Last Resort like I usually do, I’m just going to move into talking about the show. I’m holding off answering a TLR question till next week when my TLR panel consultant, Jish can grace us with his infinite wisdom. So sit tight, and in the mean time, send all your questions to the dropbox. Whether you need some advice or just want me to explain the theory of relativity (Ummm, BTW: I can’t?) just drop me a line.
I also invite you to send me pictures of any signs you’ll be taking to SmackDown! tapings to become a Notable Sign Superstar!
Now, on with the show.
For Airdate: 6/9/05
Welcome Home Crippler
Teddy Long reminds us that Cena was drafted to the A show. He also reminds us that we are without a champion. JBL then comes out and demands to be picked as the “champion of SmackDown” by Long. Long says that McMahon and the board agree that no decision on the championship will be made until the draft process is complete. Translation: the WWE belt is coming back to the show around someone else’s waist or Cena will be bringing it back himself.
This all brings us to SD’s number one draft pick: Chris Benoit.
Benoit comes out and Tazz and Cole stand up and applaud. Well, they seem happy. Benoit comes into the ring and JBL immediately starts yelling at him, “This is MY show!” Apparently, he’s all jealous of all of the attention Benoit is getting. Boo hoo. But Benoit tries his best on the mic, and doesn’t do a bad job. He takes stabs at JBL calling him a quitter, makes fun of his tie and the fact he is begging Teddy Long to be given a “champion of SD” title when he’s nothing but a quitter.
JBL comes back by berating Benoit for ever having been part of ECW and for taking part in the One Night Stand PPV. Banter, banter, banter, blah, blah, blah and there’s a main event match. They both want to prove who the better man is. Tonight: JBL Vs. Chris Benoit.
Later Benoit is caught up backstage by Heidenrech who wants to be his best friend. But speaking of friendship, Eddie Guerrero finds him and reminisces about their time at WM XX. He says that if there ever should be a brand new grab at the championship that he and Benoit should be the two men in the ring to contend for it because they are “friends”. Benoit says he knows how Eddie treats his friends and he wants no parts of that. If he’s going get to choose anyone to fight with for the title, it will be the guy Eddie could never beat: Rey Mysterio. Eddie is pissed off.
Krt U So Crzy! LOL!
What is this man’s problem? He’s being interviewed right, and he’s talking about how he is obsessed with Sharmelle. He makes faces that make him seem as if he’s overcome with pleasure when he speaks about how he pinned her and how it felt for “the first time [when]” their skin touched. “How could people be offended by my actions when it was something that felt so right… (insert yucky pervert face, eyelids fluttering).” Or “It just felt so good (insert another yucky perv face). Yuck. I noticed that he said “first time”. This means that he was bullshitting about he and Sharmelle kissing and her “fondling his privates” weeks ago. Both of those things count as “touching” in my book. Since he was lying about that, he was probably lying about Sharmelle not “letting him go” last week in the ring after he pinned her. “What surprised me is that after I pinned her, she wouldn’t let me go!” I mean, according to what I was watching, he had her pinned down while he flicked his tongue dangerously close to her mouth and neck. Anyway, he says that tonight after he beats Booker T that Sharmelle will “Come home to Daddy.”
Fast forward some and Kurt and Booker are about to fight in the ring. Remember how Kurt was taunting Tazz over the last two weeks about ECW? Well he’s still doing it. He demands to know what Tazz is going to do. Is he going to join Kurt and “the company that signs your paychecks” or align himself with ECW?
If I’m not mistaken, the company which signs Kurt’s paychecks is the company holding the event. Umm. Yeah. Hey, what do I know?
Angle says that he will give him to the end of the show to provide an answer. Cole asks his partner what he’s going to do, but Tazz doesn’t answer him. He says he doesn’t have to answer to anyone.
Booker and Angle’s match happens immediately after. Decent match, Booker looks great, Angle is always great but in the end winds up looking stupid. This fool knocks himself out with his own chair when it bounced off of the ropes and onto his face. Ha ha. Of course this aids in Booker getting an eventual pin. I laughed when Kurt got pissed off at losing. He punched the chair he used on Booker (and himself) as if it were a real person. No lie, this is one guy that gets into his character. He went psycho. When the show comes back from commercial, he’s just sitting in one corner of the ring, eyes glazed over and red like he was crying or something. I suppose he really thought that if he won he’d get his hands on Sharmelle. Awww, disappointed Kurt? Not to mention he embarrassed himself with his own chair.
He gets his crap together and leaves the ring. He grabs a chair while walking over to Tazz. Instead of menacing Tazz with the chair, he says he’s going to sit next to him the whole time Tazz is commentating until he gets an answer about the ECW thing because he changed his mind: he can’t wait until the end of the show. Tazz sits back down, as prior to this he had stood and taken off his shades when Kurt approached him, and stared at Angle as Angle stared ahead with his arms crossed like a little kid with a dunce cap on. So Kurt stares at Tazz. Cole stares at Tazz who’s staring at Kurt. I’m staring at this crap.
Cole: I really hope our GM gets some action going in the ring or else it’ll just be everyone staring at my partner who’s just staring at Kurt Angle.
Yep! Astute observation Micheal.
After this had went on for WAY too long, Angle gives up. “Oh you don’t want to give me an answer? Okay. I’ll leave.” He makes like he’s going to leave, and of course runs right back to sock Tazz in the face with a microphone. Then he “hits” Tazz in the head with a chair. At that point Tazz was under the announce table so it just looked like Angle had slammed the chair into the table really hard. But of course Cole co-signs this, “Angle just smashed that steel chair off of the skull of my partner Tazz!”
Angle says that he’ll treat all Tazz’s ECW friends just the way he treated him. Then he leaves. Tazz is bleeding from the head and Cole seems concerned but of course he didn’t do anything but sit in his chair and commentate on the whole thing as if it were a match.
What the hell just happened here? I don’t know. With any other person these types of angles would seem just stupid. But I actually like watching Kurt be crazy. It makes me feel not so bad about my dependence on Zoloft.
ECW is in the building!
Heyman comes out with his friends during the main event. Axl is carrying that chair that says, “THIS IS GONNA HURT”. Fantastic. I like an honest fella.
Heyman is acting as a guest commentator on this match between Benoit and JBL. During this, Heyman is giving props to his ECW “family” and especially Benoit. When the match gets good and going, Carlito and Morgan come out. This distracts Benoit for a moment. Keep in mind that the entire Cabinet is ringside.
When Benoit began to put JBL in the crossface, Angle interfered. As soon as this happened ECW filled the ring, and so did the “Anti-ECW” Smack down committee. It was madness. You know who came out next? Tazz. Bloody bandaged head and all, he ran down to the ring. Heyman went nuts, “Look at Tazz! Blood in his eye and still a fighter!” Tazz does a Tazzmission on Doug Basham but couldn’t get on hands on Angle because Angle ran out of the ring. Tazz was seething, yelling at Angle that he was “going to get” him. You know what else was cool? That Gore by Rhyno and Heyman yelling, “GORE! GORE!”
Wow, that was almost as much fun as the “invasion” on last week’s RAW.
Everything Else
Instead of calling this stuff the “lo-lites”, I’m calling it “Everything Else”. Why? I’m feeling a little PC right now. Bear with me.
Carlito Vs. Charlie Haas
Carlito wins by grabbing Haas’ tights. That big ass stuttering bodyguard he has F5’s Haas after the match. Morgan is the new and improved Brock Lesnar! He stutters!
London Vs. Akio
This match was “no contest” ’cause Eddie Guerrero and his big cojones literally walk into the ring for a promo like no one is in there actually wrestling. Why? He has something on his mind and doesn’t care who’s in the ring.
He winds up clearing the ring by taking out Akio and London. Then he talks about how he feels disrespected by everyone, including the fans. Then he talks about how he beat down Rey at J-Day and how he’s going to keep his “promise”. What promise? I don’t know, but dude, once you break up with the person, it’s like so much better just to LIG. Let It Go.
Notable Signs
WT Harmon writer of WTFactor and the now defunct TNA recapping column Impacted, gets an honorable mention here in this section. He brought a “Jeanice Fears Brizzy” sign to this edition of SD but security took it away. Dammit! Now I’ll never be famous! Either way he’s a Notable Sign Superstar!
Next sign challenge: See if you can sneak in a TBL sign into the arena.
Speaking of signs, if any of you are going to any SD tapings anytime soon and you plan on bringing signs, please don’t hesitate to send pictures of them to me. I’ll put them in the column and you can become a Notable Sign Superstar!. That’s right, something you can put on your resume. Onward and Upward with the Notable Signs!
Hi Gary It’s Kat—Hey, Gary, it’s Kat. I’m at SmackDown! right now enjoying a show. Yeah. I’m having nachos. Screw that no carb diet, hey what are you grabbing for dinner tonight? Oh really? Spaghetti again? I would’ve thought you’d be tired of that by now. Umm hmm. Yeah, this sign is blocking someone’s vision. Say, did you walk my dog? I asked you to walk Mr. Kibbles. Yeah. He’s got a colon blockage. Really nasty. Okay, this is the fifty-seventh sign in this series of signs in where I’m personally addressing you as if this were a voicemail message. Anyway, I’ll see you soon. Umm…do you wanna come with me to see The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants? It’s awesome. Don’t forget to walk Mr. Kibbles. KTHXBIIIIIYEEEE!
Draft Joey Styles—Yes, draft him so he can go from TNA superstar to underused midcarder.
You can’t (“see”—exemplified by a drawn pair of shifty eyes) me Jon Cena—Yeah I don’t think he can see you because he’s not even there. Yeah pal he got DRAFTED. Right. Also, did you not “see” that H that you left out of his name? Did you just become his fan yesterday, or are you just rebellious? “I like his name without the H better dammit!” Damned kids and their gangster rap music.
SmackDown Fears The Game—Damned right. With the already low quality of the content on SD, with Trips on it will just degenerate into two hours of him talking about shit. You know, yelling in a microphone about stuff nobody cares about. Eventually he’ll run out of things to say and he’ll have to repeat himself. When that becomes old he’ll just start yelling about people in his personal life. He’ll cut a promo on his hairdresser for switching conditioners on him. On Stephanie for burning the potatoes…AGAIN. Dammit. On the upside underused and held down wrestlers can use down time to pursue their hobbies. I heard Nunzio wants to start a knitting circle. Ooooh I’m IN!
Warren Ryan Pilarz—WT Harmon said that they wouldn’t let his sign in due to a “No Names” policy. What the F is this? Someone’s FULL F’n name? What…what is it that you’re trying to prove Warren? Did your mother forget who you were?
Respect Bret—Are you talking about Bret Hart or…
Bret—this sign that was not to far away from you. If this is your buddy you left an extra T off of his name. Hmm. Talk about your respect.
Draft Monty Brown—If Brown is “drafted” to SD, I will pounce my ass right out of the nearest window right into sweet welcoming arms of my certain demise.
Smart Marks Are Stupid—And the fact that you know that Smart Marks Are Stupid makes you what?
And That’s it for this column baby. My email address is all over this column. Use it!
