ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Welcome to another edition of the White & Blue. Hopefully you WILL be entertained when I talk about this week’s show. You can catch up on the whole month of May for both the RAW & SD brands with a new edition of Branded!, where I discuss just how much more Cena & JBL have in common than many may think.
Before we go on any further, it’s time to get into The Last Resort. You need advice? I’ve got half-assed answers. Click on that link to be brought to the W&B/Branded! Dropbox, where you can quickly and easily send your queries anonymously. This week’s question comes from DiscReadError (yeah that’s what he put down for his name) and it’s about that precise and delicate science called Astrology.
Since you know so much maybe you can tell me about the stars if she (gf) is a pisces and I am a leo why can’t we get along we both are supposed to be a good match.
I’m no Miss Cleo but here’s all you need to know about love and the stars:
Aries: Assholes who think they know everything but don’t know their assholes from their elbows.
How to get one: Hide their meds and they might forget how much they hate you.
Taurus: Boring Assholes. Exceptions: Those born on 4/23/77 (Sorry Ringo you just missed it. Where’s my IA?)
How to get one: I’m working on it. When I find out, I’m sure as hell not going to tell you.
How to get one to do an Idiot’s Argument: I’m working on it. When I find out, I’m going to write a book and sell it on Amazon.com. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Gemini: Assholes you can’t count on. Perpetual bullshitters. Always looking for a thrill those slick talking bastards.
How to get one: Make superficial small talk and gossip about people behind their backs to them. Talk them up about their many unfinished hobbies that no one really cares about. And when they say, “Hey I’m a Gemini! I’m good at everything!” you say, “Well you’re great at nothing.” And then poke ‘em in the eye.
Cancer: Assholes who pretend to be all sensitive but are really just assholes. Selfish and unstable.
How to get one: Listen to them whine all day about how the world is out to get them. Then pretend not to get pissed at how hypocritical they are.
Leo: Overconfident assholes who need their egos stroked constantly (That’s you DiscReadError). Only loyal to people who will toss their salad with Paul Newman’s salad dressing.
How to get one: Flatter them constantly and talk about their enemies with them. Or better yet, toss their salad with Paul Newman’s salad dressing. Preferably a cool ranch.
Virgo: Nitpicky perfectionist assholes. The kind of people who make everyone else look bad. That nerd in the kindergarten class who brings a PowerPoint presentation in for show and tell. Yep. Asshole.
How to get one: Ask them, “Hey, can you like do my taxes? I think I made a mistake. I’m such a doofus.” They will say, “Yeah you are,” and then the two of you will never ever part and they will berate you for the rest of your life.
Libra: Slutty asshole. Always looking for love in all the wrong places. Most likely to visit a gloryhole or something.
How to get one: Tell them how pretty they are and then be okay with them cheating on you behind your back, in your face, in your bed, with your mother…
Scorpio: Selfish and over secretive asshole. Also hot in the pants like Libra. Can’t keep their hands out of their genitals long enough to realize that the earth does not revolve around them.
How to get one: Tell them they are sexy and then put your hands in their genitals.
Sagittarius: The “I don’t believe shit stinks” kind of asshole. Tries new stuff just to try it even if it results in misfortune and/or certain death. Never has any friends because they are such mooches. Thinks they are hot shit. Can never stay still. Liars.
How to get one: Act like an asshole.
Capricorn: Stingy tightwad assholes. Will never spend money ever. Either lives with a stick up the ass or is straight up crazy. Either way, this person is just a cocky Virgo. Thinks they are creative but is just copying off of someone else’s creativity. The first person to cheat on a test.
How to get one: Offer a two for one coupon for a Rooti Tooti Fresh and Fruity Breakfast.
Aquarius: Hustling asshole. Can talk your pants off or get into your pockets. Pretends to care about you but really hates your guts. Often sleeps their way to the top and enjoys it.
How to get one: Poke them with a stick.
Pisces: David Koresh type of asshole. Will believe in anything and won’t be swayed. Confused, wishy-washy. Can’t make up their mind. Wants to save the world but too lazy to try.
How to get one: Tell them your grandmother died and that you need some help dealing with it. Or, bring over a scientology book.
And those are the signs of the stars DiscReadError. Moral of the story: Everyone is an asshole so it doesn’t matter what their birthday is. You’ll just be lucky not to end up with an ugly one.
Stuttering Palm Tree or Michael Cole Wannabe?
For the first time ever ( I think) John Cena is on Carlito’s Cabana. He calls Matt Morgan a stuttering palm tree, comparing him to inanimate objects of Carlito’s Caribbean set up. Then he calls him an oversized Michael Cole wannabe. Morgan is livid but of course, he can’t really say anything about it (not without spitting at least). How is Morgan like Michael Cole? Well, Cena sez:
+ Morgan’s on SD. Cole’s on SD.
+ Morgan has black thinning hair, Cole has black thinning hair.
+ Morgan has a beard, Cole has a beard.
+ Morgan gets oiled up and wears spandex publicly, Cole gets oiled up and wears spandex privately.
And somehow at the end of this we’ve got ourselves a booked tag team match for the main event: Carlito/Morgan VS. Cena/Big Show. Big show got F5’d into the announcers’ table by Morgan last week and is no doubt very angry so of course Carlito and Morgan—who both thought he wasn’t going to show tonight because of injury—are both shocked and frightened.
Fast forward to the main event. Big Show comes out all bandaged up and is selling injuries from being F5’d into a friggin’ announce table. Long story short, in an actually somewhat entertaining match Big Show and Cena win. Yay.
UPN or Cinemax After Dark?
The match between Angle and Sharmelle was something like soft porn. Was I turned on? Nearly. What made things even freakier is that it was a two on one match with Booker included. Threesome. Awww yeah baby. Somewhere Viscera is slathering Parkay on his nipples.
Anyway every time Kurt gets his hands on Sharmelle it seems like they are doing something they have no business doing. He’s either touching her, or straddling her or grinding her head into his crotch…yeah I’m dead serious. After Angle pins Sharmelle in a very compromising position (boy is she flexible). He straddles her while she’s on her back and almost kisses her. She screams as if she doesn’t really want to (yeah right) and Booker made the save. It was actually a pretty entertaining match.
Before the match Booker tried to plead with Teddy Long not to put his wife in this match ‘cause, “she’s not a wrestler.” This is something that was being said the whole night via Cole and Tazz who couldn’t stop reminding us. Actually I thought she was a wrestler in OVW and probably not really Booker T’s wife but hey—what do I know?
Angle & JBL: Anti-ECW Generals
Right before his soft porn fest Angle did a promo on ECW and Paul Heyman. Once again he addressed Tazz who this week, didn’t take off his shades. He said he couldn’t help noticing how Tazz was at a loss for words and didn’t call his match last week. Why? Was it that he disrespected him? Because what goes around comes around. In 1996 Kurt made an appearance to ECW where he says Tazz dissed him. Angle shows a clip where a younger and more muscular Tazz (he was kind of cute) calls Kurt an Amateur and himself a professional. That was basically it. Wow. That had to sting Kurt. How much therapy did you need after that little encounter with? Tazz. Hmmph. That coldhearted bastard. I bet you cry yourself to sleep at night thinking of his hurtful words don’t you? Anyway he gives Tazz a chance to redeem himself by asking him to join his wrecking crew at the ECW PPV because his loyalty should be with the WWE, the company who made him a real star. He tells Tazz to mull this over but whatever. Tazz is too much of a pimp to get all bent out of stage. That sexy cuddly bastard.
Remember when I said that JBL goes the extra mile to be an A-Hole in his promos? You know, he gets just a little too real? Well he hates ECW and Heyman also and he talked about him bouncing checks, living with his mother in a basement, getting a loan from Vince for half a mill and still not using it right. I mean, you just had to hear it. It was mean. He asked how people could think Heyman was a genius. How could Heyman take credit for the talent which showed up on ECW? That’s like Al Gore taking credit for the internet. He says that at least Al Gore didn’t run for president in a Bingo hall. Ouch. After this happens JBL beats Nunzio in an ECW Rules match. Well, it wasn’t banned on SD like it was on RAW.
JBL and Angle say they are going to take their voluntary group of SD stars and kill ECW for good.
MNM: Is Their 15 Minutes of Fame Nearly Over?
MNM didn’t have what you would call a “close” match with Hardcore and Haas for the titles this week, but they were made to look weak. Melina usually does stuff to throw the match in their favor but this time her involvement only made them look like idiots who were about to be tied up with Hardcore and Haas in a “Most Falls in 15 Mins.” tag team championship match. There was much cheating throughout the whole match preventing the faces from catching up. With six minutes left the faces were down two to one falls. Stuff happens as Haas and Hardcore try to get back on top of things and with a minute left Haas almost scores a fall to make it even—probably leading the match to go into OT or sudden death—and Melina throws her skanky ass self over her boy’s body so Hardcore couldn’t get the pin after an Alabama Slam. Strangely they weren’t DQ’d for this and the match didn’t go “no contest”. Holly just lost not getting a pin in time.
Now Holly and Haas are really pissed and MNM looks kind of scared. Next time’s not going to be so easy to get over for MNM aka “Coyote Fugly”.
Lo-Lites
These segments:
A) Made me roll my eyes so far into the back of my head I almost lost them.
B) Made me actually think that Kevin Hill might be a good show.
C) Made me question every belief I had after I thought this.
D) Made me cry.
A New Friend
Newbie Devon Nicholson jobs out to Heidenrech who made a new friend. This time it’s a female! And this time she’s actually alive. Those past “friends”–lifeless bored little boys– have nothing on the redheaded little girl with glasses who is probably somehow related to Christy Hemme. She actually smiled, clapped, cheered and blinked. And when Heidenrech did his little goose-stepping thing she got into it enthusiastically. She was the cutest little thing. The only thing that bothered me about this is that Heidenrech keeps pulling his “Disasterpieces” out of his trunks and handing them to the kids. That’s gross on so many levels.
I wonder if they actually hired this kid for this segment. She seems like a professional “woooo”-er. She couldn’t stop doing it. “WOOOOOO!” you would’ve thought Flair was in the building. Geez.
Cena’s New York Media Frenzy
A vid package of Cena showing up to NY based radio shows like Opie & Anthony and Star & Bucwild. He also showed up to morning news shows and at 106 & Park on BET. I guess he wasn’t good enough for TRL. He was also seen signing his record. Some girl kissed him on the lips. Don’t worry. (sound of gun cocking back). I’ll take care of that.
Jindrak Has No Game
For some reason he just can’t get it right with the ladies. He calls Sharmelle a gutterslut and now he tells a bunch of Divas this week he hopes some new girls get drafted to the show because they are “getting old” and SD “needs some new hoes”. Since they were in the make up area, they threw talcum powder and make up on him for some reason instead of just kicking his ass. There were like five of them. I swear. They could’ve took him out.
Video Package Summarizing Eddie & Rey’s Feud
People are saying that this is interesting to them because it’s going to be a great feud and It’s going to get them to watch SD. Keep in mind that when they show vid packages of superstars who are on the show they air it on that the superstars actually show up for work that week in some sort of segment. Not this time.
Notable Signs
I’m With Sexy—Hey, stop lying. I don’t even KNOW you and I’m not even allowed in Canada anymore. (1998, Niagara Falls incident).
Put Me On The Cabana—Okay. I’ll just call the booker up now. And hey what should I tell him you are going to do besides scream out the name of your hometown and stare blankly ahead like an idiot? Oh that’s right, get your ass whooped like that kid who tried to jump in the ring after RAW. Ha. HHH is good for something isn’t he?
Just Banged Lita—Wha—you too? Oh man get OUT of here! What are the odds? (2 to 1)
Cena Stole My Rhymes—Being that you’re from Canada, I find it hard to believe that anyone would steal any “rhymes” from you eh?
(Signs representing old school ping-pong). There’s a line and a dot on one sign like this |. And then another sign shown in reverse like this, .| Two people are taking turns thrusting them in the air as if they are playing Atari ping pong. I didn’t get this at first, but when I did, well, I just thought it was clever. Show offs. If this is what they were trying to do they should’ve placed one of the dots a little higher on one of the lines. If this isn’t what they were trying to do then was that some sort of Morse code for “I love maple syrup”?
Jimmy Kasturi Is My Uncle—And?
Heidenrech Is My Friend—Dude even Heidenrech took a look at you and said, “I’ll pass.” And he’ll rub up on anyone’s ass. Just ask Cole.
THUG—If you need a sign to remind people, then you probably really aren’t one.
Well that’s it for The White & Blue. Remember the first Draft Pick is on Monday Night RAW so be afraid, be very afraid.
Here are your homework assignments for this week:
1) Check out Branded! And tell me what you think.
2) Send me a The Last Resort question. (This is also where you can send me email).
3) Click on some ads of the site you’re reading this on you freeloader.
And I’m outtie!
jbrad618@YAHOO.com
