You’ll notice that this edition of The White & Blue is terribly late. That’s because SD didn’t come on in my market on Thursday night. Baseball. Yeah. Anyway it came on Saturday and I taped it, since Saturday nights are my nights to you know…hang out. But since I am late let’s not waste any more time folks. We’re moving right intoThe Last Resort. You got a question you want answered? You need advice? I may be your last resort. That link above will bring you to my W&B Dropbox form. This means that you will not have to open any additional mail programs or sign into your web-based email just to write me back. It’s a webpage in which you can send an extra quick response and be completely anonymous if you want to be. So you lazy bastard, get to typing.
Again, this letter is from one of my TLR all-stars: The Current Big Thing! Yes, that’s right. He writes Current History at Salty Ham and also contributes his Six Big Points to the SH forums which analyzes the WWE’s fine RAW programming. What a talented guy. Check him out. (Oh and BT, sorry for calling you “gay” man…didn’t know it was you but I figured it out. Don’t ask questions now, you’ll understand soon enough my friend.)
When someone gets on an elevator, why does that person press a button on the elevator even though it was already previously pressed??! I had to get on an elevator today and I pressed “3” because it wasn’t pressed already. The elevator stopped on floor 2, and some old stupid lady comes in, looks at the bright little number 3, and presses it again!! WHY?! Do people think the elevator moves quicker? And if you don’t press a button that was already pressed, by the time you leave the elevator, you feel like you missed out on the experience of riding a f***ing elevator! Why do people press numbers that are already pressed?!!!
The Current Big Thing
TCBT, I’ve often wondered the same damned thing. I don’t know. My only explanation is that the person doesn’t pay attention at first to what buttons are pressed and by the time they’ve got their bony little fingers out to press it, they feel stupid just dropping their hands and saying, “Oh, well. Okay. I guess my button is pressed. I’ll just stand right here and feel USELESS! I am not the master of my own destiny! Someone has pressed my button FOR ME! Oh My GOD! FOR SHAME! What am I going to do with the rest of my life! I’m so insignificant in the greater scheme of things! I HATE MYSELF!” I mean I’ve only done that one, two maybe eighteen and a half times, and I know how embarrassing the stares can be.
So anyway, in denial these redundant button pressers press the button again, even though their actions bear absolutely no consequences on anything the elevator does for the time they are on it. So in short, they just want to feel important.
I know you’re saying SOS right? (Same old shhhh…) well this week is different. My buddy Jish who does the Idiot’s Argument column at Salty Ham, is giving you…
A SECOND OPINION!
Yes, I’m no doctor Phil, but sometimes it’s appropriate for me to give referrals. So, I’m letting Jish give his opinion on the question after I tackle it. Hit up the The Dropbox if you’d like to become a future TLR consultant. Until then here’s my buddy Jish:
Okay, hold on a sec. This is it? This is the question I get for my debut?
“Why do people press elevator buttons twice?”? You kidding, right? Not
“What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?”? (42, in case
you were wondering) Oh well, I guess my enormous intellect and boundless knowledge will have to be used some other time.
Now, why do people press elevator buttons twice? Well, why did
Kamikaze Pilots wear helmets? Why does it say “Contents: Hot” on the
outside of styrofoam coffee cups? I’ll tell you why – People are idiots.
Morons. Imbeciles. A few rungs short of a ladder. Outside of that, there’s
not much else I can tell you. But hey, you can always take the stairs.
(sigh) Aren’t Jish and I little bright rays of optimistic sunshine? You bet we are. Speaking of Jish and The Idiot’s Argument, I just need to remind RINGOJUNA(if he’s reading) to get going on the response to my first argument. I know he’s been going through some things but he has the tendency to wait for twenty years before responding.
Come on Ringo, while we’re still young. I’m going to harass you every chance I get until you respond to me. And just like in the case of Steve Vs. The Current Big Thing, crap talking is the special of the day when it comes to Ringo and I. And guess what…he started it! Come on Ringo, kick my ass like you said you would. Don’t be afraid!
Anyway, let’s go on with the show.
Winner’s Choice
Tonight in Milwaukee was the Winner’s Choice Battle Royale. Whoever wins this gets to pick a person to compete against in a match. No doubt many were coming in there with the hopes of a title shot against Cena, but there are a few grudge matches that have the possibility of happening such as Booker T and Angle or Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero.
Mysterio is seen backstage and his intentions with what he does with the win will be motivated by revenge. He’s going to ask for a match to beat the hell out of Eddie. Last week at J-Day, Eddie got himself DQ’d when he used a chair to brutalize Mysterio. But did he care? Nope. Eddie’s just a bad guy now. A bad, bad guy.
Booker T, seen with Sharmelle backstage in an interview will use his win for a title shot against Cena. You see he’s done with Kurt. Not only did he beat him at J-Day but he let his wife get a piece of him too. No, not in that way you nasties.
Anyway it had to be downright humiliating when she kicked you in the grapefruits huh Kurt? Hell you probably enjoyed it. Perv.
Who knows what Carlito was going to do if he remained the last man standing. During the Cabana in which he was his own guest (Uhhh…eyeroll…), Teddy Long shows up and announces this Battle Royale in lieu of the draft beginning in two weeks. How this match has anything to do with the draft, I don’t know. Anyway, Long also tells Carlito that he has to fight the Big Show again tonight one on one. See, Carlito won at J-Day with the help of his muscle M-m-m-m ATT Morgan! Teddy Long had jokes though when he told Morgan he’d be sus-ssss-ssss-pended if he laid a hand on him. He said this because Morgan looked as if he were going to step on Teddy like a bug.
When Teddy went back up the ramp during what seemed like a raucous and enthusiastic response from the crowd, Tazz said, “That’s some IMPACT. Talk about IMPACT!”
What are you getting at Tazz? You laughing ‘cause TNA’s show got canceled? Huh? You bastard.
Anyway the Royale happens and we believe that Rey is taken out of the running immediately when he’s coming down the ramp to enter the ring and Eddie runs behind him slamming a chair into his back. Then he continues to beat up on Mysterio with a chair until some people run from backstage to stop him. But they didn’t say, “Oh Eddie, that’s wrong, you can’t fight tonight.” Instead they pushed him towards the ring. He was still getting to fight even though he did something that sent Rey to the back in pain.
Anyway, that’s not where the injustice ends. After awhile Eddie decides, “Hey, why should I have to fight when I can stand outside of the ring and wait until it empties out?”
And that he does. He slides UNDER the ropes and waits, so he’s not disqualified.
WTF??? I didn’t know you could do this! This is cheating! He waits until the coast is mostly clear and comes back in. But something happens to restore faith in the universe once again…
Rey Rey runs down the ramp and into the ring! He knocks Eddie out of it and then leaves the ring to beat him down on the ramp. I think more people came to break it up and Rey came back in. Okay. I have a serious problem with this whole, “I’ll leave the ring when I want to, and get back in when I damned well please” business. It’s not fair.
Anyway it ultimately comes down to Angle and Mysterio. They’ve both had awesome matches in the past and SD has only been making Rey look stronger over time. This was a really tight, close nail biting match. However, Rey almost won! Angle used a low blow to gain leverage and then took advantage. Angle wins. So who does he want to fight?
No, not Cena for the title. Not even Booker to regain his dignity. He wants Sharmelle. That’s right. He wants to fight Booker T’s wife Sharmelle.
I—I just don’t know what to make of this. A few columnists have said Kurt’s career is going downhill and I’ve always defended him. What’s wrong with a wacky tacky storyline when you can pull it off? Angle’s All American squeaky clean boy image combined with his heel personality brings just the right incongruity to any situation he’s in to make me laugh my ass off. Especially when he says he wants to have “bestiality type sex” with a “gutterslut”. Tell me that’s not entertainment? Huh? Ahhh ya’ putz.
Anyway he’s a great actor and especially good on the mic. However, have things gone too far? Kurt Angle rather have a go at Sharmelle than a shot at the title? Yeah. That’s realistic. Just say Cena needs some recovery time because we don’t believe you.
BTW, when IS that damned movie coming out?
Kurt: “ECW is Garbage!”
Kurt’s stupid invitational is back. Yeah yeah, ankle lock, ankle lock, squash, squash, squash…we get it. He wouldn’t even let the poor guy say where he was from before he took out all of his anger on the kid. He’s mad because Booker and Sharmelle used the same handcuffs he was trying to use on Sharmelle to humiliate him and restrain him while Sharmelle kicked his ass. He’s angry that he let Booker T an “inferior man” beat him, and that he let Sharmelle the “gutterslut” humiliate him. So he’s angry! Grrrrr!
In the process of venting he basically calls Vince McMahon an idiot for doing this ECW One Night Stand thing. He calls ECW garbage, and says like Bischoff at RAW he’ll put together his own voluntary group of SD stars to mess up the event. He turns to Tazz and says, “I’ll be bouncing around your little ECW buddies like Paul Heyman bounces checks….”
Ooooooh….
When Angle said this, Tazz took off his shades and GLARED at him for twenty minutes straight even while the “match” between Angle and the unknown went on. He just stared straight at Kurt, looking like he was going to cry or like he was really constipated while Cole did the announcing all on his own.
What was weird is that Tazz bounced back to his usual self once the Royale started was immediately afterwards. I just want to know why he got so upset in the first place. Why did he stare ahead looking bitter and constipated in his chair like someone’s senile grandpa in a corrupt and abusive nursing home? It’s not like he did anything.
The Better Man
It was the best SD PPV match Tazz’s ever seen. Cole can’t stop whining about it either. The IWC are even giving their props. So what are they talking about? Cena Vs. JBL at Judgment Day 2005. Yes, this is the match we should’ve seen at WrestleMania 21. Well, better late than never. I finally got to see the match and I was really impressed. This whole feud between JBL and Cena that led up to J-Day has been done well also. I have a whole new respect for John Cena and a better appreciation for JBL. These are two men who were thought to be fluke champions. One has been the longest running champ on SD in quite some time and the other can’t even take a crap without getting over. Who knew? Much respect to them both. If I knew J-Day was going to be this great I might’ve broken my PPV rule in which I only order PPVs where both brands are going to be competing. Thanks to a high-speed connection and some downloading, I saw the best match of Cena’s and possibly JBL’s career. (Except the ending…I don’t want to talk about that though. I’m just grateful to see what I did see.)
So when Cena comes out tonight, he knows that he’s proved something to all of the doubters. He seems emotional and humble, (the way he might be in real life) when he simply says “Thank You”. The crowd roars. He thanks the fans for their support because he knows that the match on J-Day was his real debut championship match—a great match which proves he belongs where he’s at. Sure his wrestling was crappy for a minute, but I think its because he was distracted. Like he said in his promo last week, he’s no wrestling God, and never has been but I’ve seen him pull out great matches, like that one he did with the Undertaker. (I can’t stop talking about that one).
Anyway, I don’t know if homeboy is about to cry, but he’s talking about how people were calling him bad champion and saying he didn’t deserve his title shot. Even though they labeled him a one hit wonder (JBL and the internet did that) he proved that he deserved the title with the two words that he never said, “I Quit”. He also says he has something for JBL. What’s that pray tell? We don’t find out yet because then JBL comes out and starts talking about stuff. He can’t even put his cowboy hat on his swollen head. He looks awful. His face is all swollen and the takes forever to get to the ring.
Something seems strange between them. Not in a bad way, but they seemed almost humbled by one another. And I was almost fooled into thinking that this feud might be squashed when JBL says, “You’re the better man. I’ve beaten everyone. But I can’t beat you. And I don’t think I can.”
WHAT!?! You going out like that JBL? WTF?
Cena looks surprised by this.
Oh man, what is this like the last episode or something? A series finale? You guys gonna hug or something? Geez get a grip.
Oh but things change when JBL says, “You’re the man…for now.” Then he compares Cena to Kurt Cobain, James Dean and Mike Tyson. He says they’ve all burned out and so will Cena with his little movie and his little CD and his little championship. And when John does, JBL says he’ll be there to get the title and hold it for a long time. He says people like Cena can only succeed for a short time and he can’t be great forever. JBL says he has a legacy to uphold for the future.
John says that JBL just doesn’t get it, “History writes itself! You do not decide your own legacy…” he then points towards the audience who roars. He takes a meaningful pause and says, “These people decide your legacy.”
Well done John. No wonder you’re getting movie deals. As far as JBL goes, he’s always great on the mic. Anyway before John leaves, he told JBL that he DID have something for him, but since he wants to act up, he’s not going to give it to him. He starts to get out of the ring. JBL begs like a little kid to see the thing John got for him. They go back and forth for a pretty long time on this. Here’s a summary (and partly an exaggeration) of what went on:
Cena: You wanna shoot off your big mouth. This is not a good time. (Starts to get out of the ring).
JBL: No, no, I mean you’re going to burn out but I said you were the better man. No, I want to see John!
Cena: I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t.
JBL: PLEASE JOHN I WANT TO SEE IT! PUHLLEEEEESSSEEE!
Finally Cena asks the crowd if they want to see his gift to JBL. It’s a tribute video because, Cena says, “Dude, you’re an idiot but you’ve done a lot of good things.”
So the video starts off nicely enough. Shots of JBL lifting his arms in victory as his theme music plays in the background until:
“I QUIT! I—I—I QUIT I QUIT!” the video abruptly changes into the scene from their match at J-Day where JBL is screaming at the top of the ramp that he quits as John wields a large metal pipe. They continue to play and rewind this moment and play it back over and over again, as if a DJ is scratching a record. It’s so hilarious! Especially because JBL’s ass scoots back as he cowers on the ramp, and the constant rewinding is something like his ass humping the floor.
OMG.
So, that’s JBL’s new legacy. Cena names him the most celebrated quitter.
These guys. I knew they wouldn’t let me down.
Lo-Lites
These are the segments which:
A) Made me fast-forward like crazy.
B) Strengthened my fast-forwarding finger.
C) Brought me to the semi-finals in the fast forward-lympics.
D) Brought me to the finals.
E) Got me a second place medal.
F) Made me get all “Tonya Harding” when I lost and broke my competition’s index finger.
G) Landed me in jail with a five thousand dollar bond.
The moral: Don’t ever watch Lo-Lites. They’ll make you a criminal.
MNM Vs. Haas & Hardcore
Apart from Haas’ fiery performance, a bout between these two teams seems like a Never Ending Story. SOS every week.
Carlito Vs. Big Show
M-m-m-m-mATT Morggggan interfered but Big Show still won.
Notable Signs
JBL IS A QUITTER—Oh really? Are you serious because I—I didn’t know that. You’re so clever. Wow. You just say what is so obvious. I wish more people could do that. How did you come up with that? Huh? Wow. You’re clever.
Is Carlito Sideshow Bob?—Didn’t I tell that joke last week? Haven’t I been telling that joke forever?
Cena Is 2 Legit 2 Quit—Didn’t I tell that joke last week too? Damn it guys if you’re reading the White & Blue just say so…write me an email or something. Geez. BRING A SIGN!
Holla, Holla, Holla!—There were actually a few Teddy Long oriented signs in the crowd which I think, is rare. That’s all I have to say. Yep.
That’s Not Koul—What?
…
What?
Hi Trevor & Riley (heart shape) Mom—You went to SD and you didn’t take your kids? I mean if they’re old enough to read they should be old enough to go to a wrestling match. That’s selfish. I mean unless Trevor is 35 and Riley is 42 and they hate the fact that their elderly mom is into wrestling and brings punk ass baby waby little signs to shows with their names on it as if they are still wetting the bed and staying up past their bedtime just to get a glimpse of it.
You know, because you’d be a bad mother. Unless it was that.
BTW they hated the matching Hulk Hogan crocheted sweaters that you made them for Christmas.
Shut Up Foo! Drink Milk!—Okay Mr. T. I mean milk has always done wonders for your…cancer? (Well you don’t have it anymore. Geez, so touchy.)
Do Not Read This Sign—Do NOT tell me what to do man! You, you really like putting people down don’t you? Yeah I know you’re type. Well no one can put me in a box dude. Not my guidance counselor Mr. O’ Connor, or my mom. I am not a puppet!
Cena Can You See Me Now? (There’s a round cut out so the guy’s face sticks through the sign)—Dude, I think you’ve got it backwards. He tells people that they can’t see him. Get it? Why would he care about seeing you? Get your face out of that sign and stop embarrassing yourself.
I’m Late For Work—Well I’m just late. Surprise honey!
Carlito in Milwaukee Now That’s Cool—Why?
I Need Kurt Angle As My WWE Champion—That’s nice but he’s too busy trying to take other guy’s guttersluts to even bother.
And that was The White & Blue. Join me next week (hopefully) and I’ll take you on the wildest ride of your life!
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Love yooooouuuuuu! MUAH!
