The Big News: Paul Heyman was at Raw, to do a promo for ECW One Night Stand.
You know, Extreme Championship Wrestling, the rebellious promotion that
fought against all odds and against the crap that the major promotions were
force feeding wrestling fans at the time. Well guess how Paul Heyman
arrived? By introduction from Vince McMahon himself, the guy who was giving
us the Godwinns while ECW gave us Raven, who proceeded to say he funded ECW
and that the ECW PPV benefits him. Wow, that’s stupid.
Title Changes/Turns: Since I said “none” last week, it probably should be
pointed out that Lita is now a heel. Let’s just say it was somewhat
ambiguous last week, rather than saying I forgot and decided to mention it a
week late.
Match Results: Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari b Shelton Benjamin; Chris
Masters b Steven Richards; Chris Jericho b Sylvain Grenier; Chris Benoit b
Yoshihiro Tajiri; Dave Batista b The Edge~!
Show Analysis:
Edge and Lita came out with police escorts that surrounded the ring. Lita
reprimanded the fans for passing judgment. She pointed out all the awful
things Kane did to her, and thus said using him wasn’t a big deal. She’s
right, you know. Two wrongs make a right. She said she never could love a
sick, sweaty, twisted freak like Kane. One of those words doesn’t seem quite
as bad as the others. She said she fell in love with Edge the past few
months, and that no man could ever satisfy her except Edge. Edge said Lita
is his slut, and everyone is jealous of them. He said he has got the girl,
and now he will get the world title. This felt like a main event package, as
Edge and Lita had great heel charisma together. I’ve felt Edge has been
missing something, and this might put him over the top. Lita however, has
the deepest female voice of anyone this side of Foxy Brown.
Eric Bischoff was planning for an ECW funeral, which isn’t an idea I would
have used on the anniversary of Owen Hart’s death. Shelton Benjamin told
Bischoff that his tag team partner Chris Jericho hadn’t arrived yet, and
Bischoff said if Jericho didn’t show up, Benjamin would need to compete in a
handicap match. Benjamin then lost that match to Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow
Daivari. They worked over Benjamin, who made a brief comeback. Daivari
brought a chair into the ring, and as the referee was distracted Hassan hit
the downward spiral and Daivari covered for the pin. Jericho arrived after
the commercial break, saying that he was planning a Fozzy tour and lost
track of time. He said Benjamin could deal with one loss, and offered to
take on anyone in a singles match. He said he shouldn’t be punished for
having a life outside wrestling. Edge told Christian that if he helped him
beat Batista, he would give Christian the title shot he had saved.
Chris Masters beat Steven Richards with the Masterlock. Richards got a
“let’s go Steven” chant early. They really should call him Stevie. I mean,
he only changed the name for Right to Censor, and it’s not like Ricky Morton
kept the name Richard after leaving the York Foundation. Next, Chris Jericho
beat Sylvain Grenier. Ross said the members of Resistance are trying to one
up each other. At this point, they are aiming for 1-0. Lawler started to say
“could care less” and corrected himself “couldn’t care less,” and he gets 15
special bonus points from me on that one. Jericho kind of hit a springboard
dropkick, and applied the Walls for the submission. Benjamin came out.
Jericho apologized, and said that with all the things he does he is late
sometimes. He continued that is a luxury he can afford because he is Chris
Jericho and the Jerichoholics will always be on his side no matter what.
That drew some boos, and I am really enjoying this turn.
The ECW segment was a real mind blower. Eric Bischoff came out first to hold
a ceremony for ECW. He mocked them for coming out of a bingo hall. He said
he crushed ECW. That’s interesting given they folded within 3 months of each
other. He promised to kill ECW again, and said he would bring volunteer Raw
superstars to One Night Stand. The last thing that show needs is Chris
Masters. Vince McMahon came out, and said he has a vested interest in the
well being of ECW. Well, that’s a stupid thing to say to sell the
pay-per-view. He said he financially supported ECW behind the scenes. Wow.
That’s much, much dumber. Vince talked about superstars like Austin and
Foley coming from ECW to WWF, and tried to explain that being somehow
different than when Bischoff raided. Vince said Bischoff single-handedly
drove ECW into bankruptcy, and repeated it in case you couldn’t believe he
would actually say something that absurd. He talked about ECW ending up in
debt to WWE, and WWE buying ECW in bankruptcy court. He said he put the ECW
ads on Raw and Smackdown. Vince said they would put on the “ECW rules” match
between Benoit and Tajiri on next. He said there might be a resurrection of
ECW, but one brand of wrestling is totally dead and that is WCW. Vince said
he killed WCW. Wow, is either of these guys going to say one truthful thing?
At this point Vince McMahon personally introduced Paul Heyman, which was the
single best way to completely negate and nullify the promo Heyman was about
to make. Heyman said it was the first time Bischoff, Heyman and Vince had
been in the ring together. Heyman said ECW wasn’t about garbage wrestling,
although apparently WWE didn’t get the memo given that’s exactly what the
very next segment would suggest. He said ECW brought lucha libre and Rey
Misterio, Jr. to this country, which is a dubious claim given Rey was on
When Worlds Collide, which was brought to American audiences by WCW. That’s
not to mention AAA was drawing large gates in the United States before ECW
was even Extreme. Heyman then put over Eddy Guerrero, Taz, Rob Van Dam,
Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, Sabu and others. Bischoff during this acted bored
and looked away, when both he and Vince should have been lying unconscious
during this promo. He said ECW was counterculture and in your face, but now
it’s corporate and owned by a billionaire. Okay, the second part was just
the subtext. Vince said that if Bischoff wants to bring Raw guys to ECW,
that’s fine. It’s nice to know the whole event is being supervised and
approved by Vince. Heyman said he would take gang warfare to the extreme,
and lit the ECW wreath on fire.
They had a number of stars from the Longest Yard put over Steve Austin,
including Chris Rock, Adam Sandler and Nelly. It was effective in making
Austin look good. Chris Benoit beat Tajiri in the “ECW rules” match. Tajiri
attacked Benoit on the stage with the Singapore cane. Benoit got it but had
mist blown in his face. Tajiri brought a bunch of weapons into the ring, and
threw Benoit into a trash can. Benoit came back with the rolling Germans,
and applied the crossface with the cane for the submission. Backstage, Ric
Flair thanked Batista for last week, and offered to shake hands. The moron
Batista believed him, and is apparently more dumb and gullible than Sting
and Luger on their worst days. At least it took a few months for them to
believe Flair before he turned on them for the tenth time.
Kane was interviewed backstage. He rocked back and forth, sulked, whined and
cried. He said his life has been about pain, but now it is his enemy. He
told the interviewer to leave him alone. It’s impossible to have any real
sympathy for monstrous rapist “faces” like Kane or molester faces like
Viscera. I kind of wish he had acted like a pro athlete and rattled off
cliches. Interviewer: “So, Kane, your wife left you and cost you a title
shot. How do you feel?” Kane: “Well, that’s a tough break. I’m just going to
go out there and give it 100 percent, take it one match at a time, and God
willing I’ll turn this thing around.” Kane left the arena.
Maria in the ring brought out Viscera, and said she had an “interior
motive.” She brought Lillian into the ring, said she came up with a theory
that Viscera likes Lillian, and asked if she was right. Viscera said it is
true, but doesn’t know if Lillian feels the same way, because Lillian didn’t
show up last week. He had music played, ate a hot dog, and danced. He took
off his pants and danced his boxers. Coach interrupted, much to my relief,
and said Bischoff doesn’t need a sexual harassment lawsuit. He called
Viscera a joke and an embarrassment, and told him to step. Viscera slapped
him, gave him a Samoan drop, and pantomimed anally sodomizing him. Lillian
found this hilarious, applauded, and raised his hand. He responded by
grabbing her and forcibly making out with her.
Batista beat Edge to retain the world title. Christian and Tomko came out,
and after the obligatory, overdone ref bump, they interfered. Batista was
getting triple teamed when Flair made the save. Edge hit him with the spear,
but that gave Batista the opportunity to come back. Batista gave Tomko and
Christian spine busters, and threw them out of the ring. Edge at this point
hit the spear, and the crowd went silent and it appeared some of the crowd
thought Edge would win. Batista kicked out. Edge got the briefcase, but
Batista avoided it, hit the spine buster, did the Hellwig robe shake, gave
the thumbs down and hit the demon bomb for the win. HHH came out at the end
with the sledge hammer, and Flair gave Batista a low blow from behind. HHH
hit Batista with the sledge hammer, bloodied him, and beat him up all over
the ring. He slapped Batista, said “Hell in a Cell,” and gave him the
pedigree on the belt.
Full Credit: Todd Martin, WrestlingObserver.com
