Welcome to another edition of The White & Blue, starring yours truly, Jeanice! I know, I know, I’m “Brizzy” right? Well whatever. If you’ve known me as Jeanice just keep calling me that. This Brizzy thing sounded good in my head, but now that I think about it, it’s just stupid. Anyway, I think I’ll jump right into The Last Resort. Jish has a problem. No kidding, you are all saying right? Well, stop laughing. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!
I have a problem. I like to talk to myself. A lot. I do it mostly to amuse myself. Sometimes I’ll yell out random movie lines to keep myself entertained. Sometimes I’m quite loud when I do it too. And therein lies the problem. I do it when other people are in the house, and I don’t even think about that when I start talking. For example, can you imagine if you randomly heard someone shout out “FRANKLY MY DEAR, I DON’T GIVE A DAMN!” when you knew they were alone? It would probably creep you out, wouldn’t it? What should I do to stop this non- Oh sorry, I have to go, the voices are starting…
Jish
J, if you’re asking me if I’d be creeped out if I suddenly heard “FRANKLY MY DEAR, I DON’T GIVE A DAMN!” from a person whom I know is definitely not talking to another person then I’d have to tell you…
No. I live in New York City. The biggest home to the world’s most prominent derelicts, crazies and big salty nutballs. I WISH I could get away with only hearing someone recite lines from Gone With The Wind. It doesn’t quite compare to seeing some guy smoking crack in the subway or watching some lady spread her ass crack in order to have it totally engulf a pole on the train. (No, it’s SO not as sexy as you think it sounds). So would I be creeped out merely by a guy who talks to himself? Absolutely not. I hear people talk to themselves all of the time. And you know what? I encourage it. Because when they’re talking to themselves it means that they aren’t talking to me. Plus, how can I be creeped out by a person who speaks to himself when in fact, I am one of them.
Oh yes my child, I’ve been there too. I too do things, which other people might deem a little eccentric:
1) Saying things to myself that I don’t even mean, like, “Give Barney the Chair!”, “I love George Bush” or “I hate my life” during inappropriate moments like during a meeting at work or a “bowchickabowwow” session. (Uttering any of those phrases has led to some hilarious yet awkward mishaps.)
2) Singing the jingles to Avis and Mr. Clean commercials. During funerals.
3) Saying words like, “Hamburger” even when I’m not hungry or have not even seen one on TV or in a fancy magazine.
4) Blinking forty-two times in a row before I go to sleep at night.
5) Brushing each tooth ten times in a circular motion before I consider my teeth “clean”.
6) Making up songs improvisational style which narrates even the most mundane details of life. You may have heard the hits, “That Cashier Has A Slight Attitude Problem” or “How Many Tiles Are In This Bathroom Floor?” Or what about, “How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You To Leave The Friggin’ Toilet Seat Down? Do You Really Think I Pee Standing Up Too? You Bastard.” (The P. Diddy Remix).
Anyway, those things are just the tip of the iceberg. Are they crazy? Yes. Do I care? Well, only my therapist does. But whatever. (Dr. Shoenfield works for me and she damned well better know it!) All that matters is that no one else knows. No, I don’t mean you guys even though I am obviously telling you. But aww, who cares if you know. You don’t have to share an apartment or a ride in the elevator with me. You don’t sit across from me at work or in back of me in class. I can’t hear your snickering, or see your dirty looks (and I know you’re doing it so knock it off). So see my dear Jish, the key is simply not getting caught.
The answer is not simply just for you to stop your verbal outbursts when you think no one is around. I can’t help you with that. We all know that pills are the answer to that, (and yes, the answer to many other things as well). I mean, do I look like I can prescribe pills? If I could, do you really think I’d be sitting here writing this? Come on man, I’d be halfway to Mexico right now, pilled out of my mind with a half naked cabana boy in the driver’s seat.
So in an answer I could’ve gave you forty-five sentences ago: Buddy, you’re going to have to learn how to whisper. And if you can’t, the people in your house probably think your nuts anyway so what do you have to lose? Oh, I know! Get a cell phone. Put it on silent and keep that thing on your ear all of the time. The people you live with will just think you have some eccentric friends to whom you randomly recite movie lines too. Developing a tumor is better than them thinking you’re schitzoid right?
So just keep on keeping on. Ain’t nothing wrong with a little random outbursting is it? The pansy who tells you it is can just come see me. I can introduce him to a guy who lives in a box on Fifty-fourth Street who’d be happy to set him straight.
And that was my answer to the latest TLR question. And you know what I want you to do? I want you to burden me with all of your lovely problems. No really, I like that kind of stuff. And I’ve made it much easier for you to do this. See, I’ve created a White & Blue Dropbox for you guys to easily email me your questions, comments and whatever is that is on your mind. No opening up your email program or copying my email so you can go through your web based Yahoo, or Hotmail account. And this way you can remain completely anonymous. Go nuts! I’ve used my meager HTML skills to make your lives easier. So please, don’t hesitate to give me the business. The business is just what I need.
Anyway, let’s move on to the meat of this thing…
The Big (Snow) Show (White)
Last week on Carlito’s Cabana, Carlito baited Big Show with a “poison apple” that made him sick. This was done because Show turned down his offer to be his body guard. This week he’s forgotten all about that fiasco, because he’s asked MMMMMaaatttt Moooorrrgan to step in. Matt Morgan wants to take the job, but he just can’t say yes. Why?
Because he just can’t say yes.
After some more stuttering he finally gives up on saying yes and gives an “OK”. Well that’s all fine and dandy, but Show came out to get his revenge.
Show wrecks the Cabana set up and takes down Morgan. He’s just about to choke slam Carlito when Morgan whacks him in the back with a chair. Looks like he just completed his first assignment. His second will be watching Carlito’s back on Judgment Day when he faces off with the Big Show.
2 Legit 2 Quit
Okay, someone needs to stop JBL and Cena before someone breaks out the parachute pants and starts doing the “typewriter” dance. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt hmm? Yeah I thought so.
These two are cutting promos on each other that lead up to their “I Quit” match at J-Day. And quite frankly…well…
I think I’ve been entertained.
JBL stands underneath an elevated train in the “inner-city” in mudslinging commercial encouraging people not to buy Cena’s album. According to JBL all rappers should be in jail and Cena is nothing but a foul mouthed thug. He recited a line from one of Cena’s song, which talked about hookers and virgins…
Wait, JBL are you sure you weren’t listening to Ric Flair’s album?
WHOOO!
Following this, JBL faces off in the ring with Scotty 2 Hotty, where he gets DQ’d for not listening to the ref’s orders to let Scotty up off of the ropes with his right hand punches. But JBL doesn’t care about getting DQ’d. He just wants to make an example out of Scotty. He beats Scotty’s ass in and out of the ring, and they end up on the announcers table where JBL is literally beating Scotty’s ass with a leather belt as if he were a twelve-year-old boy who has just shoplifted the John Cena album from Target. He chokes Scotty with said belt until he says “I Quit”, which took some doing since ‘ole Scotty didn’t want to give in so quickly.
Tazz: No one wants to say that.
Well he did anyway.
Now fast forward some and you’ll see that right before Cena has his bout with the Bashams (in which JBL is forbidden from touching Cena by Long, threatened with the possibility of a heavy fine) he gives a promo of his own. He’s with Josh and he has JBL’s book. John says that since JBL has given his album a chance, the least he can do is read his book. The chapters Cena liked were:
“How to Lose At Wrestlemania”
“How I Personally Make Orlando Jordan‘s Hair Stand Up” (To this, he makes pukey faces and says, “Oh man, they got pictures yuck!”
and his favorite,
“How to Say ‘I Quit’ When You’re Getting Your Ass Whipped By John Cena”
My personal favorite was, “How to Lose A Job on CNBC In Ten Days”.
But that’s just me.
Anyway the promo gets hilarious when Josh gets too enthusiastic, calling John Cena, “A prophet…A Street Prophet! Busting a cap, with your words of rap!” He then spins Cena’s belt and says to himself, “Yeah, that was good.”
The look of shock and disgust on Cena’s face was worth it all, especially when he confiscated Josh’s mic and told him to leave. After which, he screamed into the camera about not quitting. And then I heard the MC Hammer, “Uhoh! Uhoh uhoh uhoh. Uhoh!” chant. Soon the instrumentals to “2 Legit 2 Quit” began playing and a video montage of different superstars pop locking and break dancing was cued. Funaki outdid himself on the Soul Train line by the way…and…well you get the point.
Fast forward some more, and we see that Cena is facing the Bashams. Long story short: He won. We all knew that was going to happen right? And ironically rich ass “money ain’t a thang” JBL was too afraid of getting fined to touch Cena after all. I thought you were a billionaire or something? Isn’t getting your hands on the man you hate the most worth it.
The Gutterslut Chronicles
Angle. Sharmelle. Booker T. You all know what this is about right? This angle made me laugh so much because it caught me off guard. I didn’t know where this was going at first when they began pitting Sharmelle and Angle against each other in constant sassfests. I didn’t know there was actually supposed to be “sexual tension” between them. Kurt has a long history of trying to take other people’s women. (*cough cough* Stephanie *cough cough*). I found it funny how he said he’s always had a vice for “guttersluts” and wondered if this is the same reason he chased after Steffy Mac. Well?
Anyway Booker complains to Teddy that there wasn’t enough security to protect his wife against Angle last week. He doesn’t mention the fact that she and Angle were alone for quite awhile before he finally got to them. He doesn’t mention what they were doing all that time. Did he even ask Sharmelle? Anyway Long says that Kurt is not on the premises this week, and can’t come back until he apologizes, which he will do from company headquarters via satellite.
Booker says that an apology is not enough. He wants to fight Angle instead of who he’s slated to fight against tonight, Mark Jindrak. He says he has nothing against Jindrak but that all changed once later that night he himself called Sharmelle a gutterslut. For that, Booker beat Jindrak’s ass all the way from backstage into the ring. And then he won.
Later Kurt apologizes via satellite for his actions, saying he made a mistake. However he says that when he went to Booker T’s dressing room last week. Sharmelle kissed him and fondled his privates. (Um, eww.) He said they both liked it and the only reason she screamed when he beat up Booker T is because she wanted more. Then he said that after he dominates Booker on J-Day, he’ll dominate Sharmelle later on that same night and show her the “real spinaroonie”.
Booker T kicked over the TV he was watching and growled. We didn’t see whether he actually confronted Sharmelle about this or not. Guess that happens next week, (if at all).
Lo-Lites
These segments…
A) Gave me a reason to turn off the TV.
B) Gave me a reason to bite through my own hand.
C) Gave me Down Syndrome
D) Gave it to your mother fast and hard
E) Didn’t give me a choice. I HAD to shoot that myna bird. Give me a break PETA.
Cena At Fenway Park
So he throws out the first pitch in a game. So why did it take four extra minutes to see him walking around with his cousin and talking to people who didn’t even care about him?
Nelly on Cena
Apparently Nelly is giving his thoughts on the “Bad, Bad Man” video. Ah, someone from the “hip-hop” (term used loosely) and rap world to give Cena credibility.
Wait did I just use the word “credibility” and “Nelly” in the same sentence? Let me try it again, man I can’t believe this…
Nelly. Credibility.
Nelly. Credibility.
Nelly. Credibility???
I heard that if you said these two words together three times fast while staring in the mirror that a scary lady would show up and make faces at you while your eyes bled.
Oh for shame WWE. You might be able to pull the wool over the eyes of 12 year old girls and suburb thugs who still live at home with their parents, but you won’t catch me up in the matrix. Nelly is evil. He must be put down. You think I don’t know that?
Eddie Doesn’t Even Speak
Eddie is quite possibly my favorite wrestler ever. His promos are entertaining and I love watching his shoulders shimmy as he’s giving props to his “raza”. However, as of lately, they’ve stunk. This is not because he simply turned heel, but maybe because they just don’t make any sense. This is due in part to the fact that the reason he turned heel in the first place wasn’t really clear but it’s just not doing it for me. And the fact that he came out WITH A MIC and all he did was stare at the audience for minutes on end and step on that RM mask he carries around like a blanky didn’t make it any better. At least he left the mask in the ring after wiping his feet on it. Symbolic? Who cares.
OJ/Heidenrech
They are going to fight. And OJ’s hair is standing on end for some reason (hence the Cena reference to it in his promo) and he looks like Sonic The Ugly Hedgehog. Before he and Heidy fight, Heidy has to go and make another “friend”. Another young boy that he can’t keep his hands off of. Anyway OJ tells him not to keep the US champ waiting in the ring to make friends when no one even likes him. No one wants to be his friend.
Cole: I think the champ hurt Heidenrech’s feelings.
Tazz: I don’t know. Those were some rough words.
Wow. Apparently this is an episode of the Romper Room now and I didn’t even know it.
Anyway after Heidenrech wins (after selling a lot). He brings the kid he chose up to the ring and makes him do that goofy little march where he swings his elbows on every syllable of his name like he’s the king of the lollipop guild. I didn’t say anything last week, but this kid looks the same way the kid he picked before looked: Bored. And even a little embarrassed. I know kids aren’t necessarily animated like the precocious smart asses they flaunt on sitcoms and they can be a little shy, but this is a second time I’ve seen a kid look bored out of his mind and extremely unenthusiastic about standing there and doing this little bit with Heidenrech. No smiles. No laughs. No giggles. No oompf. Maybe it’s not boredom or embarrassment though. Maybe it’s fear.
Come on, you were thinking it too. He presses up against Cole in a tiny room and reads him poetry. Now he wants to befriend little boys? All he needs is a glittery glove and the Neverland Ranch to make this picture complete, if you know what I’m saying.
Coyote Fugly VS. Hardcore
I don’t know if it was Nitro or Mercury who went toe to toe with Hardcore in this one on one match, but it doesn’t really matter. A member of Fugly Inc. lost and I didn’t give a damn. When Melina does that split thing on the apron, Cole says, “You can do that right?”
Tazz answers, “No, it would be weird if I could do that…wouldn’t it?”
Cole: You’re a freak.
Notable Signs
Okay, what city is this in again? I ask because their signs are awesome in general. When I watched RAW this week I saw so many notable signs. I said to myself “Man, are people who come to RAW just enthusiastic about a good and interesting sign?” I found out the answer, it’s not just people from RAW, because I saw a panoply of great signs on SD this week too. It must be the fans of Sioux Falls (I think), so S.F. congratulations. I couldn’t catch them all, but here’s what I got.
Angle Loves His Ghetto Pie–Now if I say too much about this. I’ll ruin the moment. I’m zipping it.
JBL The Gutless Wonder–Gutless? Have you seen him without his shirt on? He proves you wrong every time he takes off that little warm up jacket he wears.
Hi Pink!–Wow, are you addressing the pop star or the color? Because I don’t think any of them is going to be watching SD. Unless…nope. I’m not going to say it. I’m not the one to start rumors.
I Miss Eddie’s Mullet–Yeah and I miss promos with actual words, whether they be in Spanish or not.
Kurt Angle Fathered My Kittens–What the hell? So who’s the real weirdo, huh guy? Kurt or you, the guy with the sign who just gave birth to a litter of bald singlet wearing kittens? Freak.
Orlando Jordan Is The Paper US Champ–Orlando Jordan isn’t the paper US Champ. He’s made out of chocolate pudding and love, just like JBL tells him he is.
And that’s it for The White & Blue. Thanks for reading and don’t forget to write!
