Welcome to another edition of, The White & Blue! Don’t you love it?
Okay, maybe you don’t but that’s not the point. Before I do this wrestling thang that I do so well I want to get into The Last Resort. No one emailed me but The Current Big Thing was nice enough to post a question in the Salty Ham forums. He’s not really asking for “advice” per se. But hell, why don’t you all ask me anything you want? And if you want, you can keep totally confidential. I assume TCBT is just too yummy to stay anonymous. Here’s his question:
The other day I went to the chiropractor, and I noticed that in the bathroom there was the toilet, and a rocking chair in front of it. If you guys can picture that in your head, then get a pen from your desk and poke yourself in the eye with it… Because ANYONE that can picture a rocking chair in front of a toilet needs to seriously hurt themselves. So when I see my chiropractor, what can I do, Jeanice, to control my foot from going right up his ass?
The Current Big Thing
This sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. This is a bad joke. Can’t you see what you’re so called “professional” chiropractor is all about? He’s either a perv with a “geriatric fellatio while I crap” fetish or he’s just a…
You know what. I don’t know what else he can be.
So what can you do to control your foot from going up his ass? I’m going to advise you not to control yourself. It’ll make you feel better, get across the message that “no, this is not okay,” and it’ll just make the world just a little bit better. I just see the Pro’s of the situation. It’s not like his greedy ass is going to cut you off from his services. Chiropractors will still take money while your foot is up their ass. They’re pretty much used to it. They teach you that in Chiropractors 101 in any respectable chiropractor school in this here country. I mean, he’ll keep on touching you for money so do whatever you want to him. The real question is why would you still want him to?
Other than that, I don’t see anything wrong with you putting your foot up his ass. He won’t really mind. I mean, the threat of you breaking your ankle off in his colon is pretty much the least of his troubles if you ask me.
If you really want to piss this guy off, there’s really nothing you can do. A guy who keeps a rocking chair right in front of the toilet is either a weirdo freak or a total badass. In either scenario, the freak or the badass both know who they are and will never change. That’s right he’s seen it all, he’s heard it all, and he’s probably been raped by rabid wolves and has lived to tell about. Of course he won’t though, because he’s mysterious like that. And that’s what keeps you coming back…isn’t it?
Well? It is right?
Sorry. Although breaking your foot off in his ass won’t change the fact that he’s a creep or that you and I are both just judgmental Archie Bunkers, I see nothing wrong with it. Do it. Do it for me, you and all of the old people who live in fear of toilets and rocking chairs everywhere. Be my hero.
That was The Last Resort. I hope you had fun reading it. But you want to know what’s more funner? Being IN it. Write me a question, send it via email by clicking on that link above and become a part of W&B history.
Whatever that is.
Blood On His Hands
Eddie is officially O.O.C. For those of you who don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, that means Out of Control. At the beginning of SD, he’s sitting in the middle of the ring on a steel chair, dressed in dress code clothes (as opposed to ring attire) with the lights low and a spot light on him. This is a promo? WTF?
And then he bugs out talking about what he did to Rey. Why’d he do it? Why’d he sell Rey out the week before? Well he just gave Rey-Rey what he wanted, which was a fight. But to me, it looked like a sneaky ass beat down. But who am I right?
He blames everything that happened on Rey. Rey made him turn. Rey ate his chalupa. Rey, Rey, Rey. They always blame the Mexican. That’s racist!
Anyway, Eddie pulls out the ripped and bloody mask Mysterio wore last week during his beat down and he yelled at it. In summary: “You were the one trying to steal my Latino Heat! You and all these people!” (Boos) “You’re going to make me hurt your family Rey. I’m going to take their papa away if you show up at Judgment Day! Your blood will be on my hands!”
Fast forward and he fights some new generic dude and gets DQ’d when he puts Rey’s bloody ripped mask on the guy’s head and brainbusts him into a steel chair.
I also need to mention that his new theme song—which is just a more “darker” and heelish remix of his old one—sucks ass.
Heidenrech Makes A Friend
Wow, it’s W&B history. The first time Heidenrech has been featured in the highlights instead of the humiliating and insulting, “low-lites”. Ladies and gentlemen, if you didn’t know it before, you know it now. Heidi has turned face.
He’s on this whole, “Be my friend thing” thing so he picks a kid out of the audience to be his buddy. See, right before that he was in the ring about to face off Spike Dudley telling everyone that Spike had turned down an offer to be his friend. Well that’s mean.
So he grabs the kid from the audience and reads a “disasterpiece” adding the kid’s name in it for good measure. Spike is all pissed off at this because he’s playing the heel. And for some reason, he has a Billy’s Goat Gruff kind of beard going off. Looks like a chin mullet. Anyway.
Heidi asks if the kid will be in his corner and of course, the kid is not going to turn him down right? Even if he is Heidenrech. So then he fights Spike who actually comes out of the ring and menaces the kid…but ta da, Heidi jumps out of the ring to save the day. He winds up pinning Spike and then putting the kid up on his shoulders as they pose together in victory. It was kind of cute actually. I’m glad they’ve finally found a direction for him to go in, because it was clear that they were lost before. He’s tried the Oz rapist thing with Cole, the insane in the membrane thing with Paul Heyman, the “I’m your soul brotha” thing (briefly) with Booker T. And now he’s consistently reading his poetry and making friends. Isn’t that nice.
Congratulations Heidi, you’ve made it to the highlights.
All American Rapist…(with a vice for guttersluts)
Wow, could this angle with Sharmelle, Booker and Angle get any better? I did not expect it to go here folks. Oh no, I didn’t. Here’s the scoop: Booker wants to fight Kurt tonight because of what he called his wife last week and because of what it seemed like he tried to do, which is an Angle Lock on her twisted ankle.
Well this week, we find out what he was really trying to do. See, I just thought Kurt and Sharmelle straight up hated each other. Obviously there’s sexual tension in the air. Kurt tells Josh in an interview that he doesn’t hurt women, he makes them feel good. Yuck. He also says that everyone has their vices. His just happens to be “gutters**ts” (they bleeped him). He says he might have some sort of psychological disorder or something but he wants to have sex with Booker T’s wife. Not just regular sex, no “bestiality sex”. (WTF? Ouch. Is he calling her an animal?) “Perverted sex.” (Oh My Gosh.) And if you saw the dude’s face while he was saying it…you’d be pissing your pants. He looked all intense and crazy. Kurt sure does give good promos.
Fast forward some and Sharmelle and Booker are in his dressing room, where he tells her to stay put because he wants her to have no part of the beef he has with Angle. See not only is there a match between the two tonight, but there’s a match on J-Day. So how are they going to keep up the momentum and interest in the second match you ask? Well I’ll tell ya’. Booker and Angle’s match tonight did not get finished.
Shocking.
Angle got the best of him with an Angle Slam and then ran to the back to find Sharmelle. He burst into the room that she was in and looked menacing as he closed the door. She was shrieking all the while.
Can you say, “rapist”?
Now what I don’t get is that when Booker T finally got into the room. Sharmelle was unharmed crouching in the corner when Angle came out of nowhere and started to beat Booker down. (Do you sense something awry?)
All this time, this bitch is screaming like a banshee and I can’t take it. “AHHHHH! Stop Kurt! AHHHHHHH! Stop!” It’s not even really sounds that can be fully deciphered by humans. If there were any dogs backstage they’d be howling by now.
Anyway that’s how the show ended, and I have to say, this is actually a great build up to J-Day. I’d be more inclined to see this than the Cena/JBL “I Quit” match.
The Fashion Faux Pas Brawl
JBL comes out again. Windbag. And can anyone say, “Dirty hat”? Tacky. His white cowboy hat had all kinds of stains on them. He calls Cena the “false idol” that the crowd worships and says he’s going to “bust up his pretty little face”. Wow. Talk about the sexual tension. Change “up” to another two letter word and you’ve got yourself a WHOLE different ballgame. The line is thin…toe it.
Anyway as Cena charges out, I notice he’s wearing that same orange short-sleeved shirt he wore in England when they called him a “Chav”. Now this shirt is hideous. It just makes no sense to me. Does it have buttons or not? Why is it short sleeved? Can he even fit it? It doesn’t look like he can. He wears it open, why not just come the hell on out without a shirt? Is this his way of following the new dress code? Because it’s really half assed.
Anyway as Cena runs down the ramp JBL asks, “What are you gonna do Cena? Another Chris Farley routine?”
What?
Last time I checked, Cena never told JBL that he’d be in a “VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!” and afterwards didn’t fall on a coffee table or some other piece of furniture and break it. Because if he did, that would be friggin’ awesome.
(Sighs) I miss you more and more each day Mr. Farley.
Anyway John slides in the ring and spears JBL. And instead of it looking like a real fight, it just looks gay. They are all rolling around with their legs wrapped around each other, throwing fake looking punches. Ewww. I was NOT as aroused as RingoJuna, who’ll soon be my next victim in the Idiot’s Argument. Go there now to vote about the argument between Wrestler’s Personal Lives, and Fans’ Opinion, where a couple of kooky guys argue whether the New York crowd ruined Brock’s and Goldberg’s match at WMXX.
So enough of that plug. They’re rolling around like a newly married gay couple on their honeymoon when the cabinet comes out and gangs up on John. Then the all stars of Velocity come out to help John: Funaki, Nunzio and Shannon Moore. Of course they all get taken out by JBL before they could even help.
But soon the locker room empties out and everyone’s in the ring. I’m not sure if people were there to help either JBL or John out or to just stop them from fighting. Doesn’t make sense either way.
The heels (very few of them) take JBL up the ramp while the faces hold John back at the ring. He has that stupid flowbee haircut again. You know, I could go on about all the fashion “don’ts” in the ring that night, but I’m not going to. I don’t have that kind of time.
Yes I do. Why do I always say that? I’m lying to myself.
Show Bites It
Carlito had the Big Show on his segment. He basically asked the Big Show to be his bodyguard. Why? Carlito seems to think that Show needs Carlito as much as Carlito needs him. His evidence is stills of WM21 when he fought Akebono. Carlito made fun of his dimpled ass and showed the still when he was thrown out of the circle of the sumo mat, onto the floor.
Carlito says that if he were there, that would’ve never happened. And together they’d both be unstoppable.
Big Show doesn’t buy this and says he’s not going to be his little bodyguard. Carlito gets miffed and starts to pick up an apple in order to chew it, but Show grabs his neck and chews the apple himself, as if he’s going to be the one to turn the tables and spit in Carlito’s face. However, something strange happens. Show seems to get sick. He let goes of Carlito and doubles over, spitting out the apple, holding his stomach.
Carlito seems pretty smug as he explained that he pretty much set him up with the bad apple because he knew Show wouldn’t have enough sense to take his offer.
And that was that.
Why is this in the highlights section again? Oh, because they made fun of Show’s dimpled ass. Also, how can they show stills of that sumo match when it was only five minutes long? They pretty much showed the whole match right there.
Low-Lites
These are segments which:
a) Bored me to death
b) Angered me to death
c) Spooned me to death (I hate cuddling dammit!)
d) Made me wish for death
e) Made me kill my next door neighbor. (SHUT THAT DAMNED COCKATOO UP!)
Sorry about that. You’re not going to tell right?
MNM/Chavo vs. London and Friends
Oh so MNM aka Coyote Fugly has formed an alliance with Chavo Guerrero. Yeah. They really seem to mesh together. Right. Those guys make Chavo look like Brad Pitt. And that girl makes Chavo look like Jennifer Aniston. And just like those two REAL movies stars, I can’t wait for these guys to break up and go their own separate ways.
They fight Paul London, Haas and Hardcore Holly in a three on three tag team match. Chavo steals a victory with the ropes. How original.
SNORE!
Haas, they’ve got to do something with you soon.
Matt Morgan & Funaki
They had a match. Matt tried to relate to Funaki saying the audience makes fun of the way they both talk. Funaki wasn’t buying it. Poked him the eye or something. They started fighting. Funaki lost. Surprise, surprise.
CD Signing
They showed Cena signing CDs and they had the one token black guy “fan” endorsing and validating it, “Man, this is real hip-hop!”
That would’ve been fine if the guy they used hadn’t been Jaleel White in baggy pants. It was rumored that he was caught on tape saying he couldn’t wait to get back into his suspenders.
Notable Signs
Not that many, but here’s what we’ve got:
Eddie Vato Loco—yes, he is a Vato Loco, but what are you going to do about it?
Heidenrech I will be friends [with you? Couldn’t read rest of sign]—Dude you’d be friends with anyone. Look at you. No one likes you.
It’s My Birthday!—Yay! You’re turning forty-two and loving it! You go boy. Prostate exams can be fun!
Just Quit—This was held up during the JBL/Cena thing. A good message to both of them. Just quit…wasting our time.
Chaingang on UPN—Somehow the “UPN” part makes you proud? Wow. Standards are low here in Reading, PA huh?
Carlito Needs a Weedwhacker—I think Carlito’s fro’ is actually cool. But he does look a little like Sideshow Bob.
America’s Most Wanted—Wrong show man.
And that’s all the time we have today, come back next week for another edition of The White & Blue!
Email me at Jbrad618@hotmail.com
