Welcome back to an oldie but goodie, The White & Blue! Yes it’s back babay…but with a new format and a new attitude.
If anyone of you has ever read, The SmackDown Rundown, available under the SmackDown! section in Salty Ham forums, they’ll figure out what type of column this is going to be. Only the highlights folks, only the highlights. We have a great SmackDown recapper already, so I’m gonna do my thangy thang, in my own way.
Anyway, I’m still going to continue my old bit, The Last Resort. That’s when you guys write in for advice and I give it you. Nice and hard. And this time around, I’ll have special panelists giving their opinion also. Won’t that be fun? So just email me about your problems, your special questions, and your special requests, and I’ll hit you with the special sauce that is the W&B. Doesn’t matter how silly or embarrassing it is, I’ll treat it with the utmost sensitivity and respect…
(Snickering), oh you guys are laughing too? Well then it’s all good! Let’s start this up.
Why Eddie, Why?
Last week Eddie played Mysterio by not coming to his aid in their match with MNM. He let his “familia” get beat down. Now Mysterio’s pissed and he wants an explanation. He called Eddie out to the ring for one, but that’s not what he got. For some reason Eddie carries his thieving non-truth telling ass out to the ring to do…
Nothing. No explanation, and no fighting back even when Mysterio slapped him in the face. Eddie refuses to fight Mysterio. He walks away even after Mysterio says “Are you afraid I’m going to beat you again?”
Mysterio’s pissed because he really wants to fight, so he goes to Teddy Long to complain about this. Chavo comes into the office, tells Mysterio that he’s ungrateful for all of the things Eddie has done to him, and told him that he’d never be a Guerrero. Then Mysterio says, “You’re right, but I don’t want to be,” and they start to fight in the office.
This segment starts off one of the weirdest shows in SD history, all featuring guys who are just double crossing, angry and just acting strange, hence the title of this column, Bad Bad Men. If you didn’t realize it, tonight’s the world premiere of Cena’s music video “Bad, Bad Man”. I’ll talk about that later.
Anyway, none of the stuff done tonight makes much sense to me, but who am I right?
Anyway, Later on, after an amazing Street Fight between Chavo and Rey, in which Rey wins, Chavo tries to use MNM (who he summoned during the match to help him) to beat Rey down. So these fugly Fabio wannabe’s are beating Rey down and lo and behold, who comes out?
Eddie Guerrero. He runs to the ring and MNM sees him, but, hey they wave him off. He’s on their side right?
Wrong.
He fights them off of Rey and chases them out of the ring. Then he picks up Rey and hugs him.
Awww. Everything ends all nicely right?
Wrong. Eddie beats the crap out of him. In fact, at the end of this, Mysterio’s mask is halfway torn off, and his face is “bloody”. Real blood or fake? Good question. Doesn’t matter. There ain’t no coming back from this one.
But why does he do this? Why didn’t he kick Mysterio’s ass in the first place? Why does he come out to help when he doesn’t mean it? Cole tries to put it in our head that “Eddie’s jealous” of Rey Mysterio.
Ummm, Why? Because he beat him at WM? I guess. It’s weird how he chooses to get mad about it now though.
One thing’s for sure, Rey Mysterio is one of the best wrestlers on SD, or period. In the last few weeks he’s been an absolute star in any match he’s been in. They’re also making him look tough and strong instead of like a little do-nothing cruiserweight.
Who in the hell has that title again? (Shrugs).
Booker, Charmelle & Kurt
They are selling Charmelle as “Booker’s Cheerleader” and as the reason he’s so motivated to win stuff now. It was certainly made clear that she was thought to be the reason for his win against OJ tonight, when moments before backstage she hyped him up. “You’re gonna beat Orlando aren’t you baby!”
“Yeah! I’m gonna do Orlando, and I’m gonna show him what the five time, five time, five time…”
Wait. I’m going to have to stop you there. Did you just say you’re going to have to “do” Orlando? What kind of influence DOES your new bride have on you Booker? Be careful with that man.
Anyway, I think that their little screen time together is cute. It’s sweet the way she builds Booker up, and says “Sucka!” with him when appropriate. But one person who doesn’t think this is so cute, is Kurt Angle.
Yes, for some reason, Kurt Angle and girlfriend have beef. They can’t stop outsassing each other backstage! After Booker wins against OJ, Kurt comes up to her, getting in her face, saying she shouldn’t be proud of her man because he’s going to snap his ankle off at Judgment Day. She tried to hit him with the sass again, but ultimately, she just became quiet and scared.
Fast-forward some, and Kurt is about to do his invitational thing. He storms in the ring where the jobber’s already there and says, “I don’t feel like doing the invitational tonight kid, get the hell out of my ring!” The kid hesitates before leaving when Kurt says, “Nevermind!” Then, he grabs the kid and starts beating his ass. He does the Angle Lock on him, but the rookie’s tapping is for naught. Since Kurt sent the ref out of the ring earlier and no bell has rung, this wasn’t an official match. We didn’t even get to hear who the kid was or where he came from. (Of course, Trenton NJ). Anyway, after he’s done with that, he gets on the mic and calls out Booker T to accept his challenge at J-Day. Kurt has a score to settle because he blames Booker for messing up his title shot.
Booker and his lady come out to the ramp, and Booker accepts. That easy huh?
Nope. Angle continues talking trash. He calls Charmelle a “gutterslut” (I think, he was bleeped) and Booker runs to the ring to fight him.
After he puts Booker down briefly, he sets his sights on Charmelle. Charmelle sees the straight craziness in his eyes and starts running up the ramp, but “trips”, horror movie style, twisting her ankle. OMG. It was so funny. So Kurt is coming for her as she’s holding her ankle, and right as he’s about to do the freaking ankle lock on the girl, half of the staff from the back comes out and stops him. It was so hilarious. He looked like a man possessed. It was like everyone backstage was like, “Oh no, this crazy bastard’s about to break some lady’s ankle! He’s wild!” And they all bum rushed him.
I really can’t explain to you, just how much this segment made me laugh. I don’t know. Maybe it was him calling her a Gutterslut when just a couple of weeks ago the most offensive thing he said was “Oh My Gosh”, or because he was actually chasing this girl looking like a crazed rapist/sexually assaulter. You know, the kind where the only thing that gets him off is broken ankles?
And the fact that forty people ran out before he could even touch her ankle just made it seem even funnier. As if they knew he was a sick bastard who must be stopped.
Either way, I bet she won’t be talking smack anytime soon right?
Oh, I hope so. I hope so.
A Bad, Bad Man (And his bad, bad video)
JBL comes out talking shit. You know how he do. “You people are all losers! You stupid working class slugs! Blah blah blah! I’m the greatest!” that’s pretty much it. Nothing that stuck out too much in his promo. He’s still carrying the old championship belt. And it doesn’t even have his name on it. I just noticed that. He calls Cena the Leon Sphinx and Buster Douglas of wrestling. A one hit wonder. A fluke champion. He also says that no matter what, he won’t give up on getting the belt back, (the real one) because he’s not a quitter. Then he disses the crowd, calling them all quitters and losers.
Cena comes out, and gets over like rover right, giving his first half decent promo in a long time. JBL says he’s not a quitter. John says, sure you’re not a quitter, you’re a lot of things but you’re not a “quitter”. He keeps doing the quotation mark sign thing with his fingers and runs down a list of what JBL is:
1) A “billionaire”
2) An [financial & wrestling] “expert”
3) You run around with a bunch of oily men you call your “Cabinet”
4) You and Michael Cole are “Just Friends”
5) You don’t wash the area between your “Legs” and your “Crotch.” (No I’m serious he’s says all of this…)
6) You don’t “legally have a penis”.
Ouch. I didn’t know having a penis was illegal. Everyone at the Ham is getting arrested except me, Bevin and RingoJuna…Buh dump bump. Sorry Ringo. You da man.
Anyway, John tells JBL they’ll have a “I Quit” match at J-Day and leaves the ring. JBL looks all shook up.
Later Teddy Long introduces the world premier of the music video for “Bad, Bad Man”. And baby, it’s “Bad, bad bad.” John and his cronies are dressed up like the A-Team (calling themselves “The Chain Gang”) on the quest to save the 80’s. That’s right. The 80’s. Gary Coleman makes a cameo, and plays both the guy who hires them to save the 80s AND the villain who lures them into his evil trap.
Yeah, I’m confused too.
John’s funny as his character. Stuff blows up. But that’s about it. I don’t care about his fat cousin or his fat friend who plays Mr. T. Either way, he’s not funny enough. This video is just missing that extra something.
Talent?
HA! I’m kidding. The song could be decent without that out of place hook that Mr. T sings. Anyway, I could critique the video all night, but I don’t have that kind of time.
Yes I do. I’m so lonely.
Seriously though. This has got me thinking. Everything you do in the company, from rapping, singing, acting to knitting HAS TO HAVE some WWE involvement in it. It seems the video wasn’t directed by any experienced music video directors, maybe some WWE affiliated people. It seemed like a fake ass “Wrestlemania 21 Goes Hollywood” promo.
I’ll stop here because I forgot what was I was going to say.
Oh yeah, I remember. It sucks when the WWE is all in your junk like, “This is mine beeyatches.” He has to call the people in his video “The Chain gang”, there’s a picture of the WWE belt on his album cover. Where does the line blur between wrestling character and real life artist? As far as I know he wants to be a rapper in “real life”. And while he’s promoting the company, and the company’s promoting him, the real Cena gets lost. I know he’s tired of doing “You Can’t See Me” and using cheesy old 1992 hip-hop catchphrases. This seems to be the only way his “character” can be accessible to the audience. The WWE might kill his rap career before it even starts. Unless he corrals enough twelve-year old girls to buy his CD he’s in trouble.
Anyway, that’s just my little rant.
That’s all.
Low-Lites
These segments are responsible for:
a) Making me nauseous
b) Making me sleepy
c) Making me horny
d) Making me un-horny
e) Now I never want to have sex again
f) Now I never want to have children
g) Now I want to eat a baby
h) Now I just knocked over a baby stroller
Matt Morgan
He stutters, and brings new meaning to the term “Squash”, but he bores me. NEXT!
MNM Vs. Scotty 2 Hotty & Shannon Moore
Need I say more?
Carlito Vs. Hardcore Holly
He’s finally in action again, but he’s still doing that Cabana Crap next week, so have your finger ready by the “mute” button. Yeah, you thought you could relax right? Nope.
Notable Signs
You Are Here—Nope. If I was there, my fist would be smashed against your face buddy.
Cena Is Not Captain Charisma—Thank God. I’m not having wet dreams about Christian. Ewww.
Why, Eddie Why?—Maybe he needs a role model?
I’m Cool—Too easy.
MAMAMAMA A MATT MORGAN!—Ooooh! That’s mean! (And I like it). But the Association for Wrestlers with Speech Impediments (AWSI) M-m-m-m-m-IGHT Dissssss-Agree.
Just Born to Lose
Just a Big Laugh
Two signs side by side:
Just Born a Loser, and STOP CRYING!
There’s always a nice JBL selection of signs to choose from isn’t there. Oh, but did I mention? They all say THE SAME DAMNED THING! Different lettering, different colors, change the L to either Lose or Loser…well that Laugh was a first, Because its stupid, but when you put “Stop Crying” next to any of them, oh my friends, for there is meaning! All JBL does is whine and cry, cry and whine, whine and cry. And that’s all he’s ever gonna do.
I Got Jumped By The Chain Gang—You get jumped everywhere you go. You’re just that guy that nobody likes. Even Gandhi would’ve had the urge to put his sandal in your ass. I’m not saying he would have, but he definitely would’ve wanted to. I want to.
Well that’s it, except for some unfinished business about my new moniker. It’s a joke name, given to me by one of my weird friends. The true meaning? Nothing.
Why’d I change it? I was tired of using “Jeanice”. Why? That’s my real name. It’s just stupid. I’m the only stupid person in this world who uses their real name on the Internet. I mean you already know it by now, but just stop knowing it. It’s not worth it.
Anyway, email me your questions for The Last Resort and any feedback that you have at:
Jbrad618@yahoo.com
See ya’!
